Repairing the damage

This entry is really the companion entry to this weeks on my main littles blog a link of which is on the “About” page.

One big problem area in my life is Authority and specifically around male authority figures that like much the rest of my issue goes back to my upbringing.

The first thing to say is although Daddy always tried to provide for everyone's needs and would go out of his way to get you things he had a darker side such as he'd hit you for being unwell if he needed you do something you were no longer capable of, he often throw things across the room when he was angry, sometimes your own things in a childish paddy, was very abusive toward Mommy, screaming and shouting to the point the police were threatened with being called.

He's gotten a very controlling streak in him and also never lets anything go for weeks on end.

It's not an exaggeration to say my upbringing deeply effected me, feeling scared around males, hiding under chairs the second a loud voice came out and was a contributory factor in me adopting disturbed behaviour that alarmed child welfare people although naturally my family didn't tell them what had been going on.

He also has a terminal illness which presently leads to him tired and part of my role is helping him and Mommy out which adds an extra lay emotionally to how I see him and by extension other males.

For a very long time I felt distrustful of males, fearing the emotional and physical pain he dished out would by by them, I had no trust or respect for them, calling them nasty names under my breath.

If any man tried to tell me what to do, I'd give them a strong piece of my mind cos I had no respect for them and any authority they were given which usually led to a battle of wills.

My attitude around him not surprisingly has been very trying been torn between feeling like saying **** *** for how he's left me and a more maturer one centred on meeting current needs.

The one thing that was different when I was with him on this occasion was although nothing takes away from how I feel about past events and some of his current issues he projects toward me, I felt able to respect his authority as a father, contributing an idea while with him rather than wanting to lay one over him because of past events.

Part of this has come about because I've learnt to trust a very important male in my life, my Mentor for a number things such as listening and understanding my needs and wishes in his relationship with me.

I have learned to appreciate that men can love and care for me in a way that's not about baser instincts nor about just domination and control for itself as well as learning to accept his loving authority, that I accept in my life helping me and he has the right to exercise it with and even where needed over me.

Equally, I accept his fatherly disciplining of the adult-child me without question because it comes from his love and his corrections have helped me grow, being more responsible and mature.

This is helped me in replacing much of the negative aggression I felt toward males, especially in positions of authority with a lesson confrontational and more respectful view of the qualities and values males have and how they fit into my life.

It was that I noticed so much on Saturday dealing as I had to not only with Daddy but people like male security guards and the like.

For the first time in my life I felt respect for these men.