Wednesday, June 20, 2018

A complicated weekend

You know something in life are 'complicated', they just are and sometimes several of them just come together as one it's much more harder going.

Take Grumpy whose 'Grumpy' day was Sunday for instance and my feelings are very complex because he's a character of extremes, of being capable of being understanding and prepared to do lots of things and yet a person who says hurtful things without thinking, has through his behaviour in the past brought us to point police calls were being threatened  growing up when he'd hurl items across rooms getting really aggressive and yes actually committed ABH on my younger brother cos he come home from work, mom was in bed and because he was expected to make tea but having a severe migraine was in the rest room, came in and got the fists out.
But then, what of that brother himself?
He stole money from me, intimidated and told blatant lies about me exploiting my vulnerabilities as a then disabled child because I wasn't prepared to lie because he was committing fraud against Mom stealing from  her, and not attending classes.
Today he refuses at times to speak to me and as like this Saturday just totally ignored me as if I'm worthless trash to which my folks won't call him out over.
So when think about it, you see what I mean about being complicated and how plays on my anxieties.

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Preparing for Summer and Too Much Yelling Going On

After last weeks messy entry, I was determined to write about something a bit more pleasanter and more about what this blog was really what this blog was for although it can and does sometimes act as a place to vent my emotions.
I've been working on things connected with going away next month such as the quiz I put on, devising the questions, getting the prizes organized as if I do a quiz then good prizes are a must between going out for daily walks.
As well I have been checking over my wardrobe and fixing any last minute replacements as it's easy to ignore that pin prick hole in a t shirt or whole just where you toe pushed through in your shorter more summery socks.
I was thinking a bit about an issue the other day.
Connected with a bit of my past, while rightly we are concerned about physical abuse of children and vulnerable adults, it's not by any means the only form of abuse going and I rather suspect the kind of person why may at one point 'crossed the line' with physical chastisement  is now doing with verbal chastisement.
Because a physical mark isn't left doesn't mean an injury hasn't been caused and this was a pretty good, easy to understand poster making the point which believe me can cause major problems to those prone to sensory overload.
Too much shouting just makes them fearful and critically causes them to switch off so they message for all that shouting isn't communicated effectively. 

Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Ignoring boundaries on social media

I'm not to be honest in a particularly good mood presently even though when I got up on Monday morning I did feel fine, having rather more spoons than I did at the end of the week and it has an awful lot to do with a site on Tumblr that I chose not to interact with as I have strict limits about what should be on any tumblr I do.
Let's just start with what are the basic standards for my tumblr which are not untypical of age regressors.
* Safe for work
* NOT 18+ material
* 100% kink free
*  Non sexual
*  No violence,  gore, incest, hentia or child porn
Pretty straightforward don'tcha think?
This is written on a page and in a simplified form is on the actual Tumblr banner so it is clear to anyone wishing to reblog or message me what I want no interaction with.
Okay, a person to whom I do not follow decides to message me channeling his scat (nothing to do with Jazz but everything to with human body waste) play likes in the form of diaper fantasy involving me. Remember at this point I haven't shown the slightest interest in this nor consent to be a part of his kink.
The text is graphic and to me at least frankly disgusting.
I spend time screen shotting the message, getting his URL and screenshotting his banner showing clearly he was NSFW 18+ clearly breaching my interaction limits before submitting to a leading age regression communities blocklist in case he tries this on with others not least those under 18.
While doing this one sees his blog literally contains more of this sh1t, used diapers, people ahem just doing 'it'  so 'stuff it' I think and start the tedious process of reporting to Tumblr the whole effing blog not least as it isn't even flagged up as 'Adult' meaning any minor can come across this filth.
Why oh why is it so many kinksters on Tumblr has absolutely no conception of never mind respect for personal boundaries and being a little doesn't automatically mean either you wear diapers, fill them and especially not engaged in playing with human waste products to the point you'd contact them out of the blue to write  stories featuring them in it?
I sure never asked nor expressed an interest in it.

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

May bank holiday report

This week we're talking about something a bit different, mainly colouring as that's what I've been doing a fair bit of across the weekend to relax as sometimes I get rather anxious apart from find it helps with my hand-eye co-ordination and leaves me feeling more in my natural little space.
Before I'm off again I need to remember to get a new colouring book as I've almost finished this one.
This does lead into the area of things that can only happen in littlespace which occurred with me which is of course pencils do wear down for which we have pencil sharpeners but with my grip having to sharpen most of them I struggled.
While doing that I had friction burns and a nasty blister that stung for hours making hard to do stuff like eat.
The other thing was connected with the tv as most programs come via a massive roof top antenna and it goes to box that boosts and sends out to all the tv sets.
On Sunday we had as many did here in the midlands torrential rain, thunder and lightning and it blow up the box that distributes it resulting in partial loss of tv with only the stronger signals coming through.
Repairing that, the person who looks after it falls with a loud scream and sends a glass object flying at speed from the loft space to the floor that naturally enough breaks into thousands of pieces to sweep up.  
Trouble is I can't actually get in their to rescue them so I was relieved he managed to get out by himself so I'd have to get someone to climb up to get them.
 I also had my annual tax statement as my social insurance payments are potentially taxable although I don't earn enough year on year to get into the income tax bracket or rather I had two which seems rather odd as I see no difference between them. I've fled that away for future reference.

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Past memories and thoughts

This week I've been feeling pretty good overall and I remembered about the first pedigree cat  I had after the dog we had had before went a bit off and tried to turn on Mom in the kitchen with teeth gnashing.
Candy came as part of pair with her brother who was a good deal more active doing things like swiping the record deck arm on the stereo console unit we had with his paw or making a play for the goldfish in the days you could just buy or 'win' them as a kid.
She wasn't too keen on fussed being  typically aloof seal point Siamese but was pretty affectionate with you when she felt in the mood  and they came with us on vacations scratching  ones bare legs having chewed part of the wicker travel basket.
One thing I do want to talk a bit about is inaneness of unsolicited messages  not least as they come from places where actually the answers to most questions can be found because they have been answered in actual posts and usually come from not reading things like my profile which exist for that reason!
Some of those questions are connected with my regressed life not least spanking within it which tend to show the individuals clearly assume one has or wants a regular set spanking as either a bdsm or sexual thing.
The thing with me is there isn't a set number of times because it is discipline based as judged by whoever is in charge of me  at that point and if they themselves feel it is justified subject to my consent to being spanked in the first place. They may even feel an alternative may work better in that individual instance!
Even if they did, it will backed by more guidance because the aim is not just to spank me, but in the longer run transform those attitudes and behaviours which takes me to another area.
Some people like to feel they are 'Caregivers' because they enjoy dominance, controlling  as they spank you but actually although that is a tool, the main criteria is to care and love the individual supporting and guiding them to be the best they can in their everyday lives.
In other words the main defining criteria isn't dominance and control, it's loving guidance.
Before I finish off, this is a week  a year on from the bombing of the Manchester Arena that killed 22 people, one local and injuries mentally and physically a good number in this district, mainly children and teenagers to which a special service was held at St. Annes, Manchester as part of events to mark a day we cannot forget.
We may be continuing on, believing in not allowing terrorists  to dictate our everyday lives but we are hurting.

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Paying ones respects

Part of last week was taken up with getting ready for and attending Susan's funeral  which will what today's entry is about
I set out around Midday Wednesday to travel by train to my and her friends in South Staffordshire from the North of the County because Susan had lived for a considerable period in the far South East of England which would be 460 square miles round trip and take a considerable amount of time to get to.
Thus the arrangement was going to involve  having a cooked meal and stopping over night because we'd need to set out just after 6AM  to deal both with the traffic around Birmingham in our region plus that around Greater London/Surrey/Kent which even around Mid Morning is very high to be sure of getting to our first stop.
We played some music including a couple of Beatles cds I'd brought with me as they  had grown up with them on record but no longer had them before going to bed early which is pretty much when my normal bedtime is as at times poorly disabled adult-child.
We got up and dressed very much in black with in my instance deciding to wear a wine coloured sweater in a colour Susan often wore with it before fixing some breakfast ready for off packing a coat in case it was needed and in my instance some oatmeal bars and fruit juice she I need something before being able to pull into a motorway service station that part from selling gasoline, has shops, a cafe and toilets.
As two immediate family members of mine are diabetics, I take the importance of regular meal breaks pretty seriously. Sensing a migraine (travel plus flashing light/sun can trigger it) coming on I immediately took my tablets as they help.
Traffic from Oxfordshire onwards was heavy so we stopped off along the M25 London Orbital Motorway to buy a few things and use the conveniences before continuing in view of the Surrey North Downs where I had been resident for a period actually before we arrived at our first stop a very important town in the history of the Norman Conquest with a splendid Abbey.
Our first task was to get a wreath to the undertaker (the person who deals with the deceased's body) before they closed and the body would make its precession to the Crematorium which we did. We also met her carer who had some mementos before going to the Bluebell Cafe for a a pot of tea served in the finest Staffordshire pottery and found the place the wake (reception for family and friends of the deceased) was for later on.
We then walked about a mile to the rail station to pick up three friends and with another who was staying locally then drove to yet another famous town in the Norman Conquest on the coast where the Crematorium was and where the traffic along the 'A' Road which is the main link to London was pretty bad as it was also in the middle of the town itself.
Indeed it was that bad one of our friends travelling independently only just got there in time!
We assembled in one of the reception rooms waiting for our slot before  we stood at the side of the drive way where the black long car, the 'hearse' , followed by a car with Susan's parents who are elderly and frail in it before we moved relatives first to the chapel for the service to begin.
At Susan's request, the song Parisienne  Walkway by Gary Moore and Phil Lynott was played at the start followed by the eulogies from a Butcher to whom I'd certainly heard about in her life who know her as a man working and socializing together, her parents and then from my friend.
Because some people only would of know her as a man while the service very much referred to her in her transitioned gender and name, for those who were not aware of it reference to her former (male) name was also made.
Drawing them together, they illustrated her wit, intellect, ability to quickly learn, the contributions she'd made in peoples lives as well as her more 'I'm right, you're wrong  and I'll say what I think' side which she had (and acknowledged herself).
There was a reading of the William Wordsworth poem "I wandered lonely as a Cloud" which we learnt was one Susan  had learned from her mother.
The service concluded with another of her music choices Queen's Another One Bites the Dust before we travelled back to her town for the 'wake' which was held in a social club she'd spent much time in over the years.
A spread was laid on so given the weather had held up to the point I'd left my coat in the car, we took our drinks to an outside balcony area with tables together with food and sit in the fresh air talking where we were joined by her Aunt and Uncle and her carer who spent time talking with us about who we were and about our part in Susan's life.
By early evening it was cooling down so we moved to the bar area where tracks were being played in memory of her on the jukebox such as Rubber Bullets famous within our group for an attempt to play a playlist from computer but refusing to play anything but that much to her amusement as from her point of view 'Techno-faff' as she called it, had failed!
We also spotted on the club wall she'd won the club Snooker championship one year as well as learning a bit more of the club games she played such as chess.
By that point all goodbyes being said to her friends,family and amongst our own, we departed for the long trip home which had us arrive with one brief stop around 10:15 PM and quickly having salad before bed time.
It says a lot about me that where as normally I'd of been up anytime from about half five to half six normally I wasn't down Friday morning until eight because not just emotionally but physically I was shattered as glad as I was to have been  able to attend.
We did talk about the service and about her life as we had some breakfast before travelling by car to Bilston Street Island parking lot and walking to the rail station to catch my train (and bus) home.
It was difficult, as I remarked to one of our group, had I of had mascara on my eyes would of been pandafied as I was tearful travelling down rubbing them but I do feel this will help in both dealing with the grief and in generally moving on in my life which was influenced by hers so much.

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Everything changes

It was a shock to some to realize Hello Kitty wasn't actually a cat but rather a girl and an English one at that but that did not mean she wasn't real or a genuine personality but that kind of thing can run on in everyday relationships too where people may not who we first think we see them as.
Such things don't deserve the cry of "Fake, fake, fake" you find on social media followed by a witch hunt and even if you did see them as they are right first time doesn't mean they like you may change over time especially over politics or identity issues digging around to find contrasting posts.
It's just evolution really.
That's one thing I'll be keeping in mind while I'm away this week at Susan's funeral which I'll be off to later on today.
Another thing is what might of seemed at the time a major issue may over time correct itself to the point you might restore a friendship or resume on a site after a major hiatus which was the case this last week where drama at one site lead to the removal of senior people who in turn set up a newer site a number of us thought safer emotionally which had to simultaneously to a situation that new site was losing money and activity to the point of closure in early June and the original site changing to be more inclusive with many of people we felt uncomfortable with away from the driving seat.
I've made my peace with how the original site is and have picked up from where I left now which I guess is a sign of having a more maturer outlook and being prepared to let past discourse go.
Until next week, bye.