Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Weekly reflection

This week as the weather has been  better for getting about so I've managed to get out and actually walk a bit further than normal getting close to what I was capable of several years back so that's been great this week.
It's so great to start to wake up to the dawn chorus now that it's getting a bit bit bright and for longer because it sounds so peaceful and when I'm out walking often I stop and listen out for them spotting them in the trees or just overhead near the fields.
Also the people who look after our Inland Waterway have been at work so I've been over there on my travels talking with them and other people about too.
It's strange but all of this actually leads to me feeling less stressed and from that much less likely to lash out at people when it just all becomes too much emotionally and when it comes to stimulation too which is a great help not just to me but Mom too.
As I'm typing this out today it's her day - what the natives here call "Mothering Sunday" - so I got her a card and present while I was in town late last week while I was out exchanging a gift voucher toward a present for my birthday.
I've also been thinking about my over 18 Tumblr and were I want to take it  so spent sometime while out thinking that through and am working on ensuring it is targeted in and around exactly what I want.
I think I'm doing good now. 
Just as this blog is about to go to press, it's been announced Professor Steven Hawking has died who like me is a quadraplegic.
He's been battling Motor Neurone disease since being diagnosed with it at university   being a electric wheelchair user but although he required considerable personal support, he went on to complete a lot of research into the Cosmos to acclaim from his peers and can be credited with helping to popularize science and break down the idea that disabled people cannot contribute to society.
He was an inspiration to me and countless others of our generation.

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Coping with the weather part II and stuff

We begin this weeks entry where we left off last week with the challenges of the extreme weather we had and how that effects me.
 The weather took a turn for the worst on Thursday when an awful lot more snow came down and indeed the overnight temperatures went below minus 11 degrees C which is is 'brass monkey weather' was my mate pictured here could tell you.
The snowfall was such that I couldn't get out on foot with ice trapped underneath and many of our roads were subject to restrictions too compounded by issues on the neighbouring motorway network.
I didn't get out until the Saturday but then have had to rest my left leg since for a couple of days as in an attempt to deliver some items in in very icy conditions I strained leg muscles and badly hurt my lower leg bones making it very painful to put any weight on it.
Yesterday was a ahem special day which given the challenges I faced and was able to master seems more deserved than ever although with the weather somethings like cards were a day or two delayed arriving just in the nick of time
I've also been working on the 'other' Tumblr removing those who just want to live through the idea of a spanked me rather than people who are more interested around age regression, past childhoods and cute stuff even if from time to time I may get spanked.
By co-incidence my BFF was doing something similar with hers with both of us remarking when it comes to blogging and reblogging images of it it gets really quite tedious so she's posting just the things she likes posting as like me she's more than just a spanked girl.
The thing is there's been less than 2% of posts even relating to spanking on that Tumblr of mine and that for me there's nothing sexual or kink in it but their own accounts very much are and I'd rather people followed because they were interested in me as a person and are prepared to support spanking me where it's necessary to train me to do better.
 That's the thing, we're appreciative of what people are doing to help turn us around as adult but child people with the needs and issues we have using such means because it's make a difference for the good for us but we're not your entertainment.

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Coping with the winter

By the time I get around to posting this we *may* have snow thanks to a pressure system from Siberia, Russia according to forecasters so part of this week was taken up with taking precautions because I do take some tablets that I find help in managing my conditions so I needed to go into town to get them.
Although it is a bit controversial I do find Omega 3 typically found in fish oils helps in a couple of important ways with me the first being I find it helps my brain to be mentally sharper and less of a fuzzy haze than it is when I don't take them and the other being they do help control the side effects of my badly damaged tendons keeping inflammation lower without the issues I had with non-steroids anti inflammatories  like Voltarol which caused damage to my stomach lining.
So It kinda matters to get them in while I can.
As well, I am making progress in walking having managed Sunday morning to walk a good eighth of a mile more than could a few months back which is quite an improvement on how I have been a for good number of years and that despite a full cooked breakfast.
Weekend meals I think probably are bigger in terms of calories compared with those during the week so I may at some point need to look at how to size them down a fraction as I'm convinced  I honestly don't need the cooked breakfast and full evening meal on Sundays.
I stood still and  saw a Blue Tit land on  a branch very close to me which was really nice to see while out in brilliant orange glow of the Winter Sun even if it was just 1 degree C and so I was very well wrapped up with gloves and scarf on.
 Tuesday brought snow to this part of the Midlands so wrapped up well I did walk a bit cos a part of what I'm trying to do is to unlearn some of the 'bad' lessons from the past one of which is because I did hurt myself during the Winter snow season of allowing a fear of what happened to paralyze me from going out and to allow it to justify inactivity even I need to be active because it makes me feel alive and healthy.
Being outside really helps me.

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Reflections from littles camp Winter 2018

In some respects this is a follow up to littles camp report  that I blogged on the main blog on Monday as while that covered more of the activities and events of littles camp this entry is really more around my personal, emotional reflections on that period.
A good a start as any is to look at my emotions which as you all know have been all over the place with the permanent loss of one relative and sadly the living loss of uncle who is sleeping further and further into the Alzheimer's fog, struggling to recognize a soul.
In some ways at least it takes me back to how I was when I was Thirteen around the time my Grandpa died when I was sent around to keep an eye on him although in truth I felt way way out of my depth struggling even then look after myself never mind being expected to make (relatively) mature decisions when neither of us could understand each other but everybody else was going through the charade pretending this was okay.
I know, we all know, losing a close relative is a loss, and you do grieve for them but this memory is associated with feeling helpless, inadequate even and it's that which has been on my mind.
For me, being away was necessary because I needed to have mental and emotional space to process these thoughts and to do things that made me feel happy and whole again so just being focused more on play being away from the environment where all this hangs around cloud style was a must.
It also helped that those who I entrusted about what was happening were supportive, showing love and concern without smothering me so while being supported I could breathe while sharing and taking turns helped reconnect me as I am very prone to just shutting down when feeling overwhelmed emotionally.
One thing unexpected that happened was because Camp this time was more laid back with less structured activity a few of us did feel not withstanding it was Winter to venture out of doors so we actually went on longish nature trails.
I found just being away from things, switching off to all other than the natural sounds,sights and smells helped  as we walked talked about various things although it was the case I did lose my footing and had to pulled up as my foot landed in mud and started to go sliding requiring my camera and shoes to cleaned !
We also encountered dogwalkers who actually were not phazed by seeing me in a dress and three-quarter socks along their travels and indeed one complemented me on my looks as friends with permission stroked the dogs!
While thinking a bit about where you might go makes sense avoiding extreme presentations, sometimes we set the bar in terms of what can be accepted higher than many are prepared to accept us as ourselves.
While out I also did some photography which usually helps relax me.
One thing I did talk about with member of the group who also has brain damage was how we do things, the things we do appear on the surface to cope with that leads others to think we don't have the needs we actually do.
This is something I do find a problem not least in trying to shop where staff are trying to upsell to you and make offers that I'm in no position to deal with leaving me in suspended animation and others seeing me struggle asking if you're okay because I haven't just frozen but have gone mute. I'd sooner have an official card I can show so I can treated more like a minor at the counter as my capacity in these situations is very much sub adult and in that respect I need 'protection'.
When I'm away I'm always 'looked after' in their words "I always treat you more like a child" and apart from the odd verbal reminder I did behave myself and helped out making what I was to eat and doing chores such as setting the table or loading the car ready to go.
They are quite firm with me around that whole area of having to assume some responsibility and play an active if of necessity limited role which was a bit of culture shock at first but is helping me do a bit more and find some self discipline.
I found the time away did help me think past those issues that were on my mind, finding more joy in more fun child-like things which is in so many ways where I remain ever the adult but child while the walking helped with developing and maintaining better fitness not just physically but also mentally too.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Away update

This week is  little different for me in that actually I'm not at home but away for the best of six days under supervision.
There are a few things I do wish to talk about first though of which although alluded to here and mentioned at the odd forum the wordpress blog "Jo's Spanking Blog" was deleted in early December 2017 for a number of reasons one being it had run its course becoming in some ways a dummy run for things written here although to be honest I found some of the posts I made on that were more centred around personal emotional reactions and some of them have been spliced into this blog as part of the tidying up.
The other was it was following the same drive to talk more about my needs and issues rather than a weekly write up on spanking and being spanked as this blog did so I didn't feel I needed to similar blogs.
When it came down to deciding between the two the odd bit of Google politicking apart, I found the blogging tools here more straightforward so this was the one I kept.
Also post the spanking needs site  drama around the same time, I do wish to thank for listing me on their wiki of spanking blogs and for actually getting the of necessity brief description of what I'm about right a middle blog about my attitude and behaviours and the role of spanking in disciplining me.
 It is perfectly possible this very week as you're sipping your coffee reading this I'm over a lap or chair having my bottom spanked for something I've done or knowing I was to didn't do to teach me my lesson if not merely scolded.
It's one thing to put an arm around a tearful me reassuring me that it it's not the end of the world it's another to trying to justify what I did.
I'd sooner you were honest and express your disapproval, that you feel I deserved my spanked stinging bottom and you will help me put matters right so I do learn from it and you all stand up as one to me so I move on.
It really doesn't nobody least of all me to do otherwise.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

A family affair

During this week when I'm preparing for going away in a few days time, there are a couple of things on my mind.
One is my Uncle who hasn't been well for a period with Alzheimer's but by December had got the point his partner felt they had little choice other than to place him on a trail basis in a care home simply because he needed round the clock supervision as he's forget if he'd taken tablets, time of day and tellingly couldn't put names to faces.
Indeed on at least a couple of occasions to my knowledge he'd gone missing, going toward a past 'home' with no realization it was no long the one he was at.
My relationship with him as with most males in my family was one of not feeling comfortable around which was no reflection on him personally but due to ahem 'other' experiences in childhood  so until my mid teens I'd pretty much hide from him whenever we were around.
Things are concerning at the moment for him being in Hospital with a major infection which is proving hard to treat and indeed they are unable to get a camera into him to look in his system.
Moreover he just seems to be lying in bed, not saying anything from tiredness not itself being aided by not eating any food for days.
It isn't shall we say looking good at all. 
Thursday February 1st was the day in which my Aunts funeral service was held locally and what she meant to me was written on the other blog. I have been walking and looking at her house not that it was comfortable but simply because I know  I'll never be heading to or entering into it as I remembered it and so I need to say a kind of farewell to that part of my life.
My Aunt's eulogy  read out by the Minister of the chapel she grew up in as a girl was really well put together showing how her Methodist upbringing had shaped how she lived her life, a life it has to be said made difficult by severe Asthma and the care and concern she had for others.
To be with her as I was  often in difficult situations in my messy family situations even past eighteen armed with a teddy and children's books feeling misunderstood  and in need of affection one felt this.
Her home, shared at the time with her parents was in so many was a second home, a refuge where my what now would seen as littles age regressed side was a place where they accepted developmentally disabled me as that caring and dealing with that adult but child was vital and from which older members of the community learned to understand and accept me as I am. They bought me simple child-like gifts such as annuals and selection boxes  finding by valuing me what I had to offer them because love is reflected by love. Always.
Among effects I was gifted a grey and white stuffie which is pretty apt given how I am rather than anything really groan up and that it was the first place I could just be this adult-child being accepted by her and her parents without judgment.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

What If I Mess Up in Public?

When you think about the disciplinary process there's usually two ideas, sometimes running in tandem that take centre stage .
The first is the idea of the person, let's call them the disciplinarian for convenience's sake observing a situation around you and taking the decision to discipline you there and then may be with a few minutes to think out exactly what he'll do.
Another might be that they have a regular time set a side in the week where they may review a written record of any infractions you have had including any with other people that have been reported and that they use that time to discipline you, setting up any additional work on your attitudes.
In general I prefer to be taken in hand within minutes of the infraction for a number of reasons such as I do soon get anxious if any kind of response - scolding, spanking or restitution -  is delayed and any connection to what I have done is soon lost or 'distorted through time' with me. This is fine if I'm staying with someone who does spank me and we're some where with some degree of privacy such as a home or place where 'little's meets may be happening where they may be a spare room or quiet spot to administer it. Indeed to be seen to be taken way and to return tearful, rubbing your sore bottom, only adds to the sense of shame even if the spanking has been carried out in private as they know why and what must of happened.
Thing is, sometimes this just isn't going to be possible such as we're in a public park, I'm dressed more vanilla but mess up as there's crowds about (and sometimes crowds have an effect on me) or some public venue such as a mall but even a discrete attempt at smacking me may be observed and bring us to other folks attention.
That's one occasion you as the disciplinarian , you need to step in and say something like "Jo I WILL spank you as soon as we're home (or back at camp) because (state infraction) is disrespectful" and if there's a bit cover around so you won't be seen , a swat delivered  to my bottom as you say that to remind me you're in charge helps even though it's not ideal because any uncertainty about how you feel and what will happen is removed. I know what to expect and why and all you need to do is take me to the place you spank me when we get back to deliver the spanking I need .