What I learned during Winter Littles Camp 2017

I've been away for a number of days in connection with that all encumbering part of my life that I don't really need to write much more about as the account of the six days away can be found Here.
There are some reflections I do feel the need to talk about about on here one is learning to be grateful for what people freely do for you such as seeing I was struggling at one railway station a couple kindly offered to help carry my luggage and even checked when I got to the end of the stairwell I was all right who I no idea of. I thanked them profusely for caring so much and acting on it.
There's the people who kept an eye on me as I was feeling a little homesick where I stayed, spending time with and the friend who knowing the sort of fiction I like, gave me a cherished book from their collection which they sure didn't have to and to which I didn't expect at all after giving them a dolly I thought they'd love.
Then there is a friend of mine who kindly put me up, offering a cooked meal and a lift to the train coming back completely out of the blue, seeing I was on the right platform for my train to come in. Even when I found I simply could not eat the whole of their home made and cooked meal rather than just saying it was very nice-and it was was absolutely lovely- from nowhere I found myself apologizing to them for not finishing my meal clearly feeling contrite.
These acts of kindness really moved me but whereas in the past I'd of blocked out my emotions I thanked them properly for all those things they did not have to do,that I have no right to expect nor demand expressing my gratitude, revealing my sense of being humbled openly.
Another thing was around making sure I stayed within contact while meeting one person after a rail journey, letting them know it was doing  and when I would be seeing them which as you may recall resulted in a lecture and spanking last time which I did.
As well I was asked to keep it on while they were going out of the house for a short period later on because they may be delayed and I just complied with the request with no back chat which showed I had learned from last times experiences.
While a few people needed a reminder to tidy up and put their plates in the dishwasher while we were away, I did not and indeed that I had was held up as an example for others to follow.
I think the one thing I can take away from this period is while I may have some distance to go and the potential to relapse, the six days did show I was moving on, being responsible and how I'm being helped to change is really helping me.  

Winter 2017 Littles Camp

As you may of gathered, I was away for a period last week so I wasn't on Tumblr, Angels, FA or GT for that period not just 'cos I didn't bring the JoBook with me but in any event the internet where we was was down most of the time so here's how it went.
I caught the bus on Friday (2/9) from our estate to get a connecting bus to our railway station, one of biggest in the UK and the premier one in the North-west Midlands as I was told no taxis were available only to find out later on one did come!
Fortunately the connections worked out fine so I arrived in good time to catch the first train as I needed to catch a service to the outskirts of Birmingham to meet up with a friend who'd take both of us to the large property in Eastern England we'd be at.
I stopped overnight having had biscuits and tea followed by a beef stew for evening meal while we talked about things about what we were doing and some techno stuff.
Upon waking up first thing as we needed to start out around ten o clock, we saw a half inch of snow on the roofs as it had  snowed overnight so we packed a shovel just in case and after a light breakfast set off. It had stopped snowing where we were but as we got near Leicestershire it resumed briefly not without some idiot trying to cause a multiple pile up that would of involved us!
We were a little early so stopped at a famous reservoir nearby meeting with two others in our group before arriving after we had exclusive use of the property during our stay.
After bringing our cases in I quickly changed to my green pleated skirt as people were sorting out individual rooms which involved putting room signs up so having found mine that was downstairs because of my mobility issues,  I set my room up.

I opened the first lot of Jelly Babies having carried the one kilogram bag with me, putting them in a bowl in the front room and soon the first of the week's jigsaws to finish was set out on a table
By the time everyone had arrived, it was getting time to order some food as we all were too tired to fix our own so we placed a big order for mainly curries which for me included Chicken Tikka Nega which is like bits of a Chicken Tikka and fries in a bag from a well regarded Indian takeaway.
I changed then into my trademark black tunic (Pinafore)  with its red "Junior Prefect" badge that was close the last avatar I had here that I had on until Monday.
Karla laid on with support a disco that concluded that day apart from finding mystery objects by our room doors the next morning.

On of the Sunday, We had a morning arts and craft session hosted by Glittery Beth where those mystery objects which for me included a clay hedgehog money-box to paint, a goodie bag that included  bits came in handy so I could paint a horse and make it's tail and do a bit of origami, assembling a card pigs head mask and attaching a piece of elastic.

Although I required a bit of help with part of this, actually I found it  really enjoyable putting me in little headspace being the sort of thing we did at school.
As an experiment Karla and Caroline did Hot Dogs and Hamburgers for lunch  as we'd normally have a meat salad that soon disappeared  down our tummies like we were ravenous dogs. I think it's safe to say that sure was a hit with everyone.
In the afternoon we were treated to a couple of cartoons from Hello Kitty and friends before moving on the main feature, a showing of The Secret Life of Pets which was really funny and in a couple of spots a bit sad too. During the intermission tubs of icecream were served and popcorn was on tap throughout.
Emma cooked a lovely Beef roast with steamed vegetables that you'd of gladly of paid for commercially as it was that delicious and provided a New York style cheesecake.
In the evening the lesser spotted Nekomimi that had snucked in with Andi on Saturday presented a music quiz with a twist: namely most of the questions had a connection to Animals which was the theme of this weeks camp.
I was pleased to see it went down rather well having prepared it, with people having a laugh, making gestures and at one point even singing the Hippopotamus Song which is really the point of this - having fun - and Daisy and Karla won it!
Monday saw me change dress to a a bluey-grey one with a top  pocket on what would be my left for a handkerchief that I stayed in for the duration of the time.
On the Monday we had in cookery decorating Gingerbread Men overseen by Emma using icing although as I was having a periodic R.S.I. flare up making fine wrist/finger control difficult, I opted to do a little colouring instead. This underscores one point which is while obviously they'd be little point meeting up to do nothing but sit in your room, no one has to OR can make you do any one activity as much as they'd like everyone to take part in theirs.
Suzy and Daisy treated everyone to a salad with a choice of meats, cocktail sausages and tuna - the first of two - for lunch.
Later on Alice had a treasure hunt involving finding various teddy bears and searching everywhere for clues.
In the evening we watched a few videos of previous meet ups which was interesting.
On Tuesday we had the second arts and crafts session in the morning and I did some photography as we had extensive grounds plus good light.
After lunch, Alice made a video based on ideas from the group of a group of girls going on a hunt for teddy bears which we called "Unbearable" with us all acting in it shot out in the grounds and edited digitally in the house.
Karla made and cooked a scrumptious Cottage Pie with vegetables for our evening meal before Daisy, Sally-Jane and Alison played guitar, keyboards and sang a number of songs together which was much appreciated.
On Wednesday we need to leave so apart from packing our cases which I'd been doing a bit at a time, we had breakfast and two by two made our ways off with myself and Auntie Andi being the last to leave so we and Karla finished off some of the salad before driving away.
We hit very dull torrential rain around Northamptonshire and into Warwickshire with some flooding in places coming back.
For the two of us, we were unexpectedly invited to stay at a friends place in our part of the Midlands overnight where Jennifer had made a lovely Steak and Kidney Pudding with suet pastry and a Victoria sponge cake with chocolate sprinkled with  hundreds and thousands as decoration for desert.
As Auntie Andi had other business to attend to necessitating her earlier departure, Jennifer who was going into town anyway kindly dropped me off at the station to catch the train back to mine ready to get a taxi back to the door to be greeted by Marmalade feigning disinterest.
For me this period was mixture of things, first and foremost time to actually regress in the company of like minded people doing actual child-like things together face to face, building relationships of which for me one important thing was being able to talk and show things with Karen Marie. It's one thing to be at home with your Netbook or Smartphone talking with people, it's a whole nother thing being under one roof together for days.
It also showed the strengths of our group such as those who catered for us, Beth's inspired littles doodling on plastic backed paper that made the place look and feel like real littlespace that we belonged in and indeed she put a awful lot of thought into everything including the arts and crafts, Samantha R's activity program so while we had spaces for personal littlespace, it provided the structure for more group things and not least Suzy's handling of the booking and monies which went very smoothly. I think I did good with my quiz.
Seeing Karen Marie reinvent the ancient tradition of boarding school midnight feasts  brought a smile to my face. 😃
It also showed how I'd got some control over my social anxiety and had assumed more responsibility to be engaged directly in contributing to our activities, not least helping out and doing my chores.

Uniform updates

The account of the last week will take a few days to write up having just gotten back to the ever grateful Marmalade.
In the hiatus, I had received some new 'regulation' school underwear by David Luke a well known manufacturer.

 In navy blue, these soft  gym knickers are to replace several pairs of older regular ones that are showing some wear that are a secondary set to the black Cresta ones I bought a short while ago, forming part of my uniform.

Cussing

Sometimes topics come up worthy of exploration and one is connected with swearing which is fairly common.
It's easy to make the argument against casual everyday use of cuss words, that they do cause offence, are  inappropriate in front of children tend to lead to lazy, poor styles of communication that are neither professional nor fit for use in polite society.
In my life it's an automatic spanking offence after one sharp warning.
The question arises though lets say you are being scolded or spanked and you go something like "s**t!" or use the 'f' word should that result in extra spanking because you did as your caregiver/mentor/disciplinarian was doing that?
My views are no because you are just uttering them as part of your method of handling the  situation you are in and they are involuntary responses rather like if you were tidying up and something were to land on you. Most of us would even under our breathe as it were.
I feel it's a different matter if it was at the point of being summoned or part of a long back chatting though the session liberally coated with cuss words where you are clearly and purposely disrespecting them.

Jo and Noddy

Today I'm going to write something a bit different to what I normally do on this blog as generally I don't write much about books, especially book series I never had that much to do with but in a way actually it ties in rather well.
Enid Blyton it has to be said wrote a good number of the books that featured in my childhood not least the period around ten to sixteen years before people started pushing more 'adults' reading at me even if this series and its central character wasn't one I read much never mind collected.

Noddy is a very interesting character, living in a world known as Toyland, being made from wood and styled as an perfect naughty little boy often getting in trouble with PC Plod having an Uncle Big-Ears who was a parent figure.
The significance of this rests really on what adult wisdom cannot get and children do which is in reality although Noddy is actually (in law) an adult, is able to own and drive a motor car in many other ways he is not, he is very much a young boy having that kind of an outlook, not really responsible, lacking the awareness of what he'd be expect to know. He may be portrayed as a child but isn't.
In some respects then, to me he's a poster child of a person exhibiting a developmental order is like adult (legally) but child (developmentally).
He's got a inflated view of his abilities which may be more from having to 'pass' for an adult but as when challenged by Big Ears his father like figure points out, really he's not and if he'd been educated he'd see that but he hasn't and amongst other things, cannot count beyond twenty.
It's that which the subject of this book, the only one I bought with my own money, which is when it is he goes to school with the young children which you can in Toyland.
He has no idea of what what Miss Rap, his teacher means when she asks him if he knows his tables. Equally when asked to write on the chalkboard one thing he likes to eat he writes his own name because that's all he knows to write which annoys Miss Rap and all the other children laugh at him.
When you have a developmental disability, life especially in school can be like this as you're not functioning at the same level as the others, you have a defensiveness that can soon spill over to defiance, you tend to be very impulsive not concentrating and you don't always help yourself.
Noddy going to school ends with Noddy having learned some lessons, however painful about life having learned some social skills and taking part in a school concert.
I see a connection here in  me having to go back to learning what I failed to both academically, where the story does extol the virtues of hard work, putting ones mind to things and also when it comes to how you relate and behave where Noddy is sent to the corner and when his friend Gilbert Golly after misbehaving is ordered to bring Miss Rap the slipper hanging on the wall.
Put simply I had to realize what I did  not know, having a sense of humility to seek out what I needed rather than allowing the trappings (for Noddy his car, for me, certain roles) to blind me to my true needs and address the attitudes I had that made my life worse than it needed to be.
Noddy needed his corner time, Gilbert needed that reminder even when it has put on hold until the very next time he was going to get a spanking.
I needed someone who was going to be strict with me so I worked to my full potential, being prepared to practise a lot  and given the difficulty I have in dealing with more complex ways of trying to change my behaviour, as that adult but child I needed spanking in the same way.
While I'd sooner this was about a girl, the lessons in the book do apply to someone like me cos in many respects they speak about US and in that respect, it's unique.

Getting set to go

There will be something of a break after today's edition as I'll be away for several days and indeed as I type I'm busy doing things connected with just that such as deciding what I'm going to taking to wear, making sure it's all fresh and making a check list so I can be sure I have everything I need packed although I tend to pack things in groups systematically rather than odd bits at a time.
I finally completed the music quiz late last week, reviewed it and today got the questions and my master answer sheet printed out  although I had to borrow a printer as my old HP one's ink had given up the ghost and I couldn't be sure of getting any ordered ink in time.
I most likely won't be about much on Tumblr with being busy this week although I have been  enjoying my time on there rather more than I had in the recent past, just getting to grips with checking any are happy with any kind of interaction from me but not letting some of intercommunial spats affect me anyway cos some of these things just tend to be brief intensive things that left alone die of death anyway so much so in say six months time looking back you tend to think "We're we really that obsessed with that?"
It's like the tag business mainly it's that we do the same thing but my goodness you can't say you're in littlespace - that space you're regressed in - but some other word instead.
I think part of the reason I'm so out of that endless discourse is that I'm just doing it on my terms, no guru's, no master book of littledom to follow for myself learning to share littlespace with others who are doing it themselves in a atmosphere of mutual respect and understanding of each other in the so-called real world. It's also the atmosphere I like about the Tumblr LilTot's community cos generally we operate the same way which more closely mirrors real life that a good number of others.
So goodbye for now, be good and have fun as I sure will be!

January lessons

As I tend to say on Tumblr, I do live the life as it were so for me this middle/little thing isn't just me and a  caregiver pretty much surrounded by  four walls with a computer running, it does involve actually being with  people face to face who are part of 'real' communities.
This last weekend, I was unexpectedly away with friends and for me this began with making travel arrangements by myself involving booking a taxi to our rail station as the local bus services are poor at the weekend and ordering train tickets for that part of the journey, made easier for London Midland's acceptance of PayPal as payment.
I left in good time for my train which was running from a small local platform whose overhead signs weren't working and arrived to meet the person who would be looking after me oblivious to not checking messages which was dealt with on arrival (*cough*).
I was in my recently acquired maroon V neck sweatshirt, wine coloured pleated skirt and white socks, sporting a red and white tie for the entire visit. 
A classroom had been set up for me to study in one anyone familiar with education in the 1970's and 80's would be familiar with whatever side of the Atlantic you were on complete with interactive chalkboard and chalk as everything was going to be taught 'talk and chalk style' the way it used to before workbooks and ICT moved in.
After a warm drink, it was time for some formal studying starting with Math where we looked at expressing numbers as words, multiplication, imperial and decimal fractions, algebra which to be honest isn't my strong point but I didn't do too badly on them although not paying proper attention to one question was corrected.
Afterward, I had English were we looked at Alliterations where I got 11/12 correct although this term isn't one we used at my schools and then had to filling the missing alliterations in a series of sentences to which I got 3/5 on although it was agreed one question didn't really seem to have a alliteration that would make sense . As well I got 9/10 for a sentence that used a lot alliterations.
We looked at words that have the same sound and adjectives which I was a little unstuck on mistaking an adjective for a word used to describe an action rather than a property or quality of the subject.
I had to write a few sentences based on a picture of  a little girl helping in the kitchen as if I were her and what I would be saying so I wrote this:
"Hello Miss Green", "May I help out in the kitchen today please?"
"I'd like to make an apple and raspberry pie today because Miss Andi is coming for tea. "I am not really at kneading flour and things but I like to be a good girl and help out".
I pause, awaiting Miss Green's response because I know she is busy but likes me to help out.  Maybe she will let me today?
I got 11/12 for it.
I did some colouring too before going on to eat a steak pie.

 I was trying to avoid the more stereotypical Disney princess colours here and I think I succeeded. It's also was very neatly coloured by pencil with my name and school form on the bottom right.
After a pause we went on to do some cookery which was what were were to eat for that evening's two course meal as everything was to be prepared from scratch although a few ingredients were ready prepared.
The first course was a Roast Beef Dinner which needed an hour and a half at 180 degrees C (aka 350F).
I peeled the potatoes  in bowl with water, cutting them into small pieces placing afterwards in a saucepan with water before washing topping and tailing the carrots ready to be diced to join the potatoes in the saucepan.
This was because they were to be put on a ring to boil before I them mashed them with some margarine making sure they were all done.
We did slithers of Parsnip, slicing them to go on tray with a bit of fat, put some Yorkshire Puddings in the oven and just before serving, make the gravy.
The other thing was we were going to have a desert so I was going to be involved in making this which also included making the pastry from flour and Stork Margarine in a 2 to 1 ratio so we needed 4oz of flour that was weighed  and 2oz of margarine which was kneaded together (I used a spoon) in a bowl adding water before taking out and putting on board to be rolled to make the bottom and top of the pie case.
Meanwhile fresh apples grown in the garden were cored, peeled and chopped up to go into  saucepan with water to be boiled before adding the drained tinned raspberries which were put on the pie bottom then covered with the top, putting two slits on top ready to go in the oven while we were eating the first cause ready to tuck into.
The pie would be served with single cream.
Miss Green put the things in the oven as my paws aren't much good as is my balance but I did  rather a lot and fairly well even if I'm a bit slow.
While all of this was going on, Auntie Andi arrived so we talked in the front room around various things before eating.
The food turned out rather well with everything cooked properly and much appreciated before we retired to the front room to talk and listen to music before going to bed.
We had a quiet day on Monday before I had to be back home for his gingerness, the oh so fussy Marmalade so we got up a bit later than I'm used to (anyone who's been with me knows I'm an early to bed, early to rise sort) before fixing breakfast and for me carefully packing my stuff ready and as ever putting my ticket in the Hello Kitty flight bag ready for the train conductor to inspect.
Auntie Andi kindly offered me a lift to the rail station as I sped through Staffordshire to the biggest rail station in the North-west Midlands, taking a cab home as the weather was very iffy.

What I think I have learned from this set of experiences is although I have great difficulties, there are somethings I fairly good at such as written english when I do put my mind more to it, dodgy spelling aside and although there remains some significant weakness in my math abilities which let me down, I am doing better at this than I did  in childhood.
I did better than I honestly expected when it came to cookery even if I do need some help with essential tasks in it and so could not be fully independent which supports the targeting more of my attitude toward looking at abilities and potential that people are helping me with rather than seeing things more from the side of my disabilities which came from my upbringing and has held me back.

Getting with the program

The other side to an upcoming regular blog edition which in the topsy-turvey world actually comes out first!
The first thing to say was this whole period was something of a rush job so I really had get moving sorting up transport single-handledly, checking that nothing had altered as the railway has a lot maintenance work on around the weekends.
A major part of these weekends is to do with supervised study which this time was both English and Math and is taken in a room with chalkboard set up where work to copied is put on, and any formal instructing is done through  through the person taking the lesson interacting with me as their adult school child.
I have to sit at a wooden old style based school desk and matching chair with my exercise books and pen, pencil and erasure on the desk top, only able to leave if I ask to be excused.
Actual school work books are used based on current school curriculum requirements and standards.
In front of the desk is a traditional ratton cane and nearby are a leather strap, a tawse and ruler all of which is in full view of me  and to which for the entire duration of my stay can be used on me.

I made a number of mistakes starting with not checking my cellphone either before I departed or while travelling to the person I was to met with so before we even began I was hand spanked and lectured over it which probably has a lot to do with just not being used to using cellphones, usually checking just on arrival, replying then. I have to change this from now on.
I did make a few mistakes with the math  not helped by not paying full attention to the instructions which saw me being bent over the desk.
One thing that has changed now is I'm instructed to "assume position" from where I'm sat so I put myself over the desk, presenting my raised bottom to be the given the spanking they have decided to delivered each and every time.
So I am now made to play a complicit part in of each spanking I have earned by offering my bottom up to the pain and discomfort that it will feel.

I was strapped twice and then I just got up without asking permission and so got tawsed.
The other thing is the spankings I got were talked of in my company as were what lead to them as I squirmed with embarrassment having sit there being talked about, having people speaking in support of spanking me for them.
Shame is something I am being caused to feel for my attitudes to move me on which is so much how as a actual child some people did  to make me feel uncomfortable with unacceptable habits and behaviour
Later on I was better when it came the cookery doing a very good job of making mashed potato and carrot by hand, making slivers of parsnip and  a whole fruit pie by hand which is the first time I've ever made a pie never mind a fruit one including the pastry.
The lessons I learned from November, where I was  put into the kitchen to teach me to be responsible  by helping out in the cooking of our evening meal had started to sink in as my relationship has changed with them.
I have to play an active role when I'm with them, I have to contribute to the house by my actions, I have to follow the rules and accept consequences when I do not.
The still smarting bottom I have is because of my attitudes and actions which while much better than they were two years ago still  have some distance to go before they get into line with most peoples.