Wednesday's on my mind edition

This week gone I was dealing with a few things that play with emotions that sometimes get too carried away with.
The first was really more cos we've been decorating here which often feels like it's two-thirds moving and one third actual time decorating by the time you've moved things and put them back where they usually live.
The area we were decorating is the living room wall of which a part is a corner where I sit  with plushies on a surface, music players to avoid any tv shows that I find too hard to stomach emotionally and the Chromebook for looking at certain sites on so obviously they'd have be moved.
Because of my memory issues moving things isn't a good idea generally speaking as I can and do forget anything suddenly gone as I have little short-term memory and so I planned where to move them to writing a note in my pocketbook of where each thing was and where it normally goes.
This goes well and by Sunday we are putting things back as the person decorating sees a patch he's not too happy with and goes to touch it up while I wasn't up. Now I get up and it comes to that part of the day I'd be looking looking at using one the players  but they aren't there. I go looking all around the house for them all frantic  as apart from the cards with music one I didn't want to lose, these thing are a few hundred pound each almost breaking a pictures it falls over and nobody says "I moved this" or "What you looking for" until half an later were one person said "I moved them because I touched up the painting" putting them somewhere you'd never expect to see.
Like why can't you just say when you come down "Oh by the way I put this here"? cos it really wound me up thinking I'd lost something expensive to replace.
Another thing has been some issues within the stealth Tumblr I haves age regression communities where two people have been very much at each others throats to the point one threatened to end their life late Sunday and another hasn't been heard of since a similar statement was issued a a few days back.
My own feelings are that two of them are feel they *are* age regression to the point they bully themselves and attempt to bully others apart from being very manipulative to everyone else which one reason I keep my distance from direct involvement in groups and why my main Tumblr is with a group that outside a few rules has 'live and  let live' approach to how people regress and what when outside of that regressed headspace people may do.
To me everybody does this thing differently and what's so wrong with that?
The third thing is a little techno and that is a couple of years ago I bought a HP brand 64gb usb memory stick and it has developed a fault that seems common with PNY sourced sticks of this series where it goes into write protection only mode which in everyday terms means you can read what is on it but not edit nor remove anything. A digital headstone in a way which is frustrating as there's 7gb spare AND I did want to remove some content.
While it's still read only I'll copy over to two new Sandisk sticks, one just as music copy (Flac and some Lame Mp3 320's) and another that can live in the Dell windows machine for pictures and littles related text content I don't want handing around on a hard drive.

An Authentic Jo

Here at the dorm I've been rather busy dealing with the Blogsphere tm of this is one of a few in this family of blogs that go back to the mid 2000's that deal with different aspects of my life overlapping a little but with main focus which so reminds me of school Venn Diagrams that one was to draw neatly or be suitably admonished.
In someways then it's perhaps for the best this family blog member is fairly recent as all the 'baby steps' in blogging happened before and had been learned from so the same mistakes had not been repeated.
An often repeated comment I hear at various sites that sadly I'm less able than I'd like due to my physical disabilities to message is around the extent in a world where people do cultivate an image of themselves and their abilities to the point when one interacts with them either messaging or face to face even there's a gap between what you read and what you see with me I'm very much the same on any site, any kind of 'chat' and  when I've been privileged to spend time face to face with people for extended periods.
The word that comes to mind is "Authenticity", the extent to which one is true to yourself in harmony with your own spirit while respecting rules and social conventions that make life frictionless as we all know what to expect.
Thus while on one blog I do write around social trends and current affairs, another more of joys of littles regressed life and here around emotions, attitudes and the role of corporal punishment in my life neither denies what the other centred on and where all is intertwined, the one whole me.
What I write about is what I feel, what I have experienced and actually know routed in my life albeit my education, employment and learning more about coping with my actual needs rather than what may know second hand or the views of those who write about what they have read.
The one thing towering over all is a childhood that was very much routed in being in an actual boarding school for much of my education which went beyond of curriculum subjects but in moral character building and standards and one that understood you learn through consequences, believing strongly in disciplining you very much for ones own good.
What I have to say around this and as it applies in particular to corporal punishment  is very much from having received it 'in loco parentis' several times each deserved and from that how that changed for the better those attitudes and behaviours first hand rather than any kind of role playing fantasy.
I know it works well with me as it did with most of my peers at the time not just in nipping our behaviour in the bud but also of deterrence of the class,  year group and ultimately whole school from acting on such impulses.
The benefits in terms of being able to study, to have your teacher just come in and start the lesson and carry on with everyone engaged rather than endless low level disruption might surprise present generations!
It is that I suspect the last person who commented picked up on in the broader sense in that I am the product of such an education and it shows in my work.
Thank you for your compliment.

Weekly review

I'm taking things a bit steady this week for a reason, namely I was having 'spoons' issues to the point over the weekend I just fell asleep, zoning out too, when I was talking with my BFF. Unfortunately I don't always spot when this is likely to occur which is like kind of embarrassing and often I'll have no idea until I wake up this happened and even the just what it was I was meant to be doing.
I may delay publishing one blog and concentrate on a upcoming Tumblr anniversary entry apart from also working on anniversary entry and associated work on The World of Joanne_chan so like that's two significant things to mark.
You can't stop the unexpected though .
Earlier this week a person we know knocks on the door about twenty past nine in the evening which is wind down time with me before I have a drink and go to bed and Mommy lets her in plus dog. The dog is the reason she came cos it had been badly injured requiring some £2,000 worth of veterinary work plus much tlc by its owners to restore walking and she wanted to show its progress. Mommy kind of forgot for one thing my plushies were all out on a couch in a line, theirs various children' completed craft kits of mine in the fireplace, dolls in the corner by me, one on my chair and...wait for it...I was in my uniform too! Fortunately she wasn't phazed by it however I take things as if you arrive with no warning then you can't expect people to change or put away things so you either accept even if puzzling or leave cos it's your space and you don't live in that to suit others ideas and that.
I've been continuing with trying to reduce portion sizes a little as two thick beefburgers and a plateful of rice really is too much before you add a substantial sweet into the picture as I wasn't created to be a walking waste food consumer and equally I've been continuing with regular daily exercising not least during the weekend as inactivity added to that excess food really doesn't do me any good healthwise.
That's what I couldn't understand as I'd eat quite a bit including a ton of candy at Littles Camp but actually lose weight by the end which leads me to the conclusion actually littles shaped movement I feel okay doing is the thing I need and nothing too focused on targets plus that really boring adult stuff.  Kinda more play in play mindset that functions as exercise if you will.
I've also been listening to a lot of piano music recently not just cos I like the music but actually I find listening to a piano very soothing emotionally getting lost in the peaceful mental scene.

Growing up Jo

The complimentary post to This  on the main blog.
One of the things I do struggle with is face to face interaction not least opening up a conversation with people cos I get so super nervous I just freeze over or not have the conversation I had intended in my head.
So it was actually pretty good I managed to start one with my second best friend this weekend talking to her about her life, her studying animation while listening and even making eye contact with is something I've had feedback on before now as I find that...so oppressive ordinarily.
Like I can recall this being brought up in a staff review looking at client interaction several years back in what was generally a excellent review as a potential barrier to communication.
I also found the work I have being doing over the last five weeks or so on putting together a PT routine for me paid of well but with unlike last time being able to get across the from the rail station to a bus interchange without getting out of breath propelling my wheeled suitcase and bags and also while i have difficulty with steps and uneven surfaces I was able to keep up with the group as we walked through woodland and canal tow paths for a good mile or so to where we were eating without breaking out into a deep sweat or struggling at the back.
That for me is really good going. 
The weekend went very well overall like  I mean no one found good reason to spank me which is reassuring cos it never was a role playing or sensual game thing with me and more to the point the people I'm with not least those in 'grown up' capacities to me  truly understand and ensure my my vulnerabilities are never taken advantage of. 
When that gap is what it is sometimes I do feel it was so much more easier when I was in my teens cos at least those very same issues and needs would be protected and moreover nobody would 'assume' I had a developmental level I don't whereas now they do because they are working with adult norms which just don't apply. So in a way I'm very fortunate they meet my needs and respect my limits, saying that to one made me tearful to tell you the truth.
I also did co-operate fully, helping out with preparing the evening meal two other guests consumed on the Friday and baking the sponge cake for the Party without a murmur of discontent even when I had to make another sponge as one of my haves didn't quite take in the oven.
Changing my attitudes around looking after my needs and also contributing, being expected  help out has not been easy given my past but with a lot of encourage to help and the preparedness of people to strictly discipline me over it, I am starting to develop more of a sense of self discipline to help me be more mature in that way even with the oh so real limitations in other respects.
I did great this weekend.

Attitude audit

Well, I'm going to be off in a couple of days time spending regressed time with others so I have tried super hard this time to get most of these posts written up ready.
Today's is a bit different in that it's about my social skills and attitudes which are more of an issue when I'm naturally with people rather than say on my own and how far I've come on.

Until I heard of the expression "self sabotage" from my second best friend some years back I was never real able to explain how it while I believed in the ideal inevitably I'd end up up just enough to scrap through at best and often set out on line that would result in doing worse than I can by not preparing properly, not making a plan and just allowing myself to be distracted from what it is wanted to do for something more enjoyable or less effort.
Part of this was the belief that because I struggle though my disabilities with things then I could only fail so why even bother especially when few people cared if did try.

This is one I'm pretty good at and do take shoes off or change to slippers when I visit people even though I wasn't raised at home to.

I'm pretty good at this, not being inclined to enter into gossip sharing sessions with people or otherwise dish things up to people.

 More often than not I'll go help somebody struggling but have struggled with the idea of helping as in contributing to something by giving my time and effort but is something that is being worked on.

You may of heard of yo-yo dieting  but I've tended to be yo-you over taking exercise from my mid teens onwards, never looking cool and always wanting to do things involving being still to the exclusion of anything physical.
It may not help having a physical disability but not undertaking exercise of any form make that worse for me. I have been exercising for about forty minutes to an hour in sessions after thinking more about its effects from clothes feeling a bit tight apart from I was struggling with walking even short distances which this does seem to be helping.

 Another not good at although I am currently eating banana's and apples daily preferring chocolate caramel bars.

This is one I have always struggled with generally because of issues in  our family history, what from my point of view I see as their reluctance when young to be actively involved in raising me, issues with them over gender identity, refusing to accept professional opinion when it came to disability diagnosis's, lack of support in my learning to the point of ignoring poor work and calls to attend meetings to discuss and so on.
One affect of this is I had developed a disrespect for adult authority, a switched offness  to any engagement and don't take advice well.

Generally I'm pretty good at being helpful, properly empathize more being left out deliberately by groups for gender or disability reasons

I'm pretty good over personal hygiene such as covering my nose when sneezing and washing my hands before eating and cooking even when after allowing myself to be distracted even if that adds to my being late.

We  should put an X through boy and replace by girl and usually I'm on the edge of talking back usually as a defense mechanism to brush them away lest they hurt me and my feelings which hasn't been helped in the past for seeing other people as having the same exact authority and non OVER me.
It also didn't help that those I was with believed in letting me try to have control OVER them as a way of coping with MY needs.

More often than not I do clean them, mind you with anything to hand such as screwdriver blades etc and always scrub them after handling anything they may of sank into.

 I'm usually pretty good over respecting other peoples space or property as a rule

For a long time I tended to switch from being a wall flower, feeling very awkward socially to doing something that was bound to grab attention even if it either put me in physical danger or  made other people unhappy or worried. I didn't care so long as you couldn't ignore me  and I feel that sense of being ignored rather encouraged it rather than being helped to have a role people could learn to value and perhaps I might value  what I could add too.

I've been generally bad over this tending to be caught up more in the moment being with someone or doing something I feel compelled to continue on with not helped by feeling at times that you should fit more around what I'm doing.

 As a former politician arguing for the sake of it was a stock in trade  even when in practical terms it made little difference and caused more issues than it solved.

I'm pretty good over borrowing you know. Like  returns stuff prompt looking after it super carefully

Still a difficult one as I tend to dump and run, never really making time to put things away in any real order and when people move them getting super annoyed with them soon moving to argument not being prepared to back down

I like to drink milk put the people I live with seem to think I prefer tea. I don't as it's just role playing an adult if ask for tea and I like cookies with me milk instead.

If anything my problem is less around taking more than I need to claim it for me so much as being a  poor and at times fussy eater with genuine restrictions on diet too with intolerances and allergies.

As having read this you can see there is much when comes my attitudes and that I do struggle with which is why rather late in the day I'm getting a lot more targeted  help at them as in many respects I really should of learned and moved on from many of these eons ago and why if I'm with you it helps if you try to hold me more to account so I do change and those that have become more second nature to me.