Jo talks about anxiety in this weeks life

Well I know the pensive feeling, sometimes for more ouchie related reasons sometimes more wrapped around my whole anxiety thing which can be around people, objects or situations which too much thinking over at times just makes it more a dog chasing its own tail.
I'm more comfortable emotionally over a lap for a spanking than those other things strangely enough.
I kind of messed up a little last week thinking I'd got the grump his card but then only released with a day and a half to go that actually the card I had was for the wrong occasion so I needed to call in the local store and as luck happened they had a decent card in ready for me to fill out ready for Monday.
I had got organized the presents for my littles camp quiz despite all the stuff I've talked about on here going on earlier on last week and they're ready now to take with me next month.
I have this new Chromebook to set up given the fault the older one developed on Saturday totally out of the blue which should prove interesting like I mean I know the router name and passcode but I've yet to see how much the machine can just install upon entering my Google Account details such as bookmarks and passwords as I'm hopeless remembering them.
Well actually as it arrived I found it even installed th accounts wallpaper which is pretty amazing, like if you lost something and finding upon replacing everything was still there.
I end up putting stuff like that in a pocket book with bits crossed out as details change over time although I suspect I'll have no need to do anything about sanriotown.com and its email service as the site certificates have expired totally and so no browser will let me log in under ANY circumstances.
Technology bugs me to be honest.

JoBook 2

As mentioned at Furry Story Time, I had been experiencing  computer problems and needed borrow another machine temporarily.
In the beginning there was the JoBook tm that arrived around September 16, 2016 which a kind of replacement for a Netbook that was incredibly slow on busy sites such as Tumblr and in any event had died totally.
That chromebook, a Lenovo N22 that had over the years had the ability  to use Google Apps supplemented by Android ones had been performing well being used to check emails with, use on Tumblr, FA, the IK chat and Lil Jennies story time  seemed to develop a fault that left it with static lines flying across the screen.
Thus I really needed to get a replacement organized for it as it used rather a lot.

This is JoBook 2 a Samsung XE303C12-A01UK which like the original is a 11.6 inch screen with a unspectacular but adequate 1366 x 768 resolution which is fine for general usage or watching anything from the BBC iPlayer on.
It has 16gb of memory but that's expandable to whatever you want using a SD card and 2gb of RAM which unless you've got absolutely heaps of tabs open is fine with the Chrome Os which is a kind of Linux in a browser system that doesn't suck processing power unlike Windows.
It comes in nice silver trim and like practically all of the species has a built in video cam should it be needed.
Hopefully it won't be long before it arrives and be quickly set up.

Assessment Two done (and hopefully fixed)

Today is a day after a Employment and Support Allowance face to face assessment which was quite late in getting started as they arrived with notionally only fifteen minutes in a two hour slot remaining and with a hungry migraine ridden me feeling nauseous yawning my head off.
Ideal test conditions, what?
I had worked out this wasn't a suspected benefits fraud appointment but the lack of procedural appropriate communication wasn't helpful which reduced the options to periodic review with seven days notice cos we can or a post Sept 2017 look into whither having accepted you can't be supported or retrained into work easily actually you haven't a hope in hell of EVER doing so and so save them reassessing you periodically.
Fun started when the person who was a bona fide Doctor working for the company asked me to fill out an evidence form to say I had proved I was me so I had Mom fill it out as I can scarcely  bloody well write with a pen and just put a squiggle in the signature box as my hands were off.
That helped!
He then asked for my many and overlapping medical conditions so I gave him print out  of them that was in the April 2017 form and showed him my medication
I then spotted something familiar, the WCA50 form I'd got done a paragraph a day from that year so it obvious what the game was - assessment on a two and bit year old form - that as it happened I had a copy of key bits of and knew back to front having revisit it to reword for the PIP claim I was forced to make a few months back.
So he just explored not questioning each bit so I just went back over tossing examples with prompts from my folks (who tossed some stuff in back up the shortly word but chilling descriptions of how I'm severely disabled and how I need tons of help with all the why bits ticked and added).
As I was migrained out we skipped standing and walking just testing grip, arm, neck, leg muscle strength) which I was 100% confident would confirm what I had said there are clear and real limits and weaknesses showing him my inflamed shaking paws that would match a medical diagnosis.
He then left.
I'm reasonably confident the claim for ESA will stand and have met the phrases ("Descriptors"  for being treated as untrainable and supportable for work and quite likely to remain the same forever as it can't improve over time and isn't responsive to any upcoming treatment.

Resting

In a world where to be honest I have not been feeling too good apart from listening to a bit of music softly while taking tablets my thoughts were on other things.

I have a bit of an fascination for oldish compilations of short stories usually written by the top authors of the day not least for the quality of the stories with believable characters and rich language that is so much the polar opposite of today's obsession with 'accessible language' that rather than stretching your knowledge of words and means actually holds it back.
They also tend to have a clear idea as to who their audience is, tailoring the topics very much to them so a compilation like this is clearly aimed for and around the interests of girls of that era rather than trying to trying to appeal to boys too which never quite worked when it came to set books for school English Lit as almost inevitably we'd be at odds about which ones we wanted to study and discuss as a group.

Not a good week

When things seem all over the place all you want is coffee, cakes and candy at  least in my experience wrestling with a lot negativity, worrying uncertainties and having to see strangers for assessments that I didn't actually ask for.
Like for instance after the assessment for PIP which whatever can be said of the methodology around it you can see if you apply for something you may well expect some kind of assessment but when you think you got head around that you receive out of the blue note to say you WILL be assessed in connection with you with a long tick box of benefits they tick Employment and Support Allowance not from the people who administer the benefit  but from the assessment company with a very generic explanation applicable to all benefits they assess of what a assessment entails and why you may be having one you do wonder what is going on.
Normally the people running the benefit write to you reviewing you claim sending a cut down version of the original form which you fill out from which they do have the right to send your for an assessment which is logical enough but at least you know why that is.
The last one of those I had was in April 2017and they didn't send me for an assessment but this time I have the form say I AM to be assessed but no real explication of why you may begin to understand why it is with my mental health issues such poor communication practises only make me ill.
Sufficiently ill that it required me to see my doctor for both the impact on my Anxiety - shaking, being unable to sleep, going through every possibility in my mind - but also bringing with a severe migraine which is something I've had since at least seven as I can recall.
That resulted in some tablets to trial for the migraines and some information and advice on managing anxiety, specifically social anxiety. 
It kind of undermines you that I have things I could read, listen to or play but I just don't have the inclination to just feeling like rolling into a ball to be honest.
I've been out on walks for a bit across the week, watching the birds, keeping an eye on what's growing and what isn't as some of the fields seem to be dried up on places not from sunlight but more lack of rain and meeting with dogs and their owners although Orson the literary cat does try to lock me out.

Wednesday's assessment

Last Wednesday I had my face to face assessment for Personal Independence Payment at home as it had been decided I couldn't attend a centre belong to the people who do it.
The person who I'd say was in their thirties to do it was about a quarter of an hour early which I had anticipated being somewhat questioning of peoples motivations and so was as prepared as I could be and seen to be engaging in removing anything that might put thoughts into their minds.
It was quite a bit shorter than I'd of expected at just over twenty-five minutes from coming in to leaving whereas an hour is typical so it may be a question of going through the motions so having checked I had ID (thanks to folk who come from backgrounds where ID Fraud is common in 2019 you have to prove everything triple fold) she took a short history of me before going into a few areas on the previously completed form.
These areas included planning, getting and eating a meal which for me include the inability grip things, chop things, remember instructions (and what things look like), help with eating such as cutting up food and drinking where typically I use straws.
She dd ask about hobbies so I mentioned comic and magazine reading being light weight so easier to turn pages and ties to developmental disabilities and dyslexia which with me puts me on a reading age below eleven years and watching tv specifically childrens tv because so much of adult tv is beyond my understanding and following plus my plushie collection where upon being asked if I buy and sell said I didn't I just collect and Mom explained I have them bought for me.
Anything involving keyboards, gripping things wasn't mentioned.  
Former voluntary work was mentioned but explained no longer did and it was very much as and when I was well enough to attend.
We talked about dressing where I need help putting clothes on, seeing the aren't inside out and back to front, help with bathing  before moving on to a few tests.
I was asked to show how far could raise arm up, bend down, move neck, find a wall where I failed to and to raise from chair where I didn't manage to get fully upright before needing to sit so tests on my feet for staying upright were cancelled (I suspect they'll take my word and medical evidence for.)
We did talk about anxiety as it effects me, needing someone to keep me calm, help deal with situations.
With that it was concluded with her reassuring me I have nothing to worry about and that I wouldn't lose any money after explaining she'd write a report for DWP who run this thing.
We'll see how it goes.