Trying times

 

There are days when you really feel you are "at your limit", that you cannot go continue any further without losing any and all control of your emotions whither or not that might be the seventh time you gone to do something and it hasn't worked or you've made a massive mess and now that to deal with on top of felling tired for everything else you did before.

It might be less you and perhaps someone elses attitudes and behaviours that are really taking you beyond your normal endurance ability, I mean some stresses and strains are part of everyday life rather like if you go to catch a train, you know a delay or a platform change is a perfectly possible situation.

Some people just appear to love creating dramatic scenes, raising fears and waves of impending doom demanding that you and the wider world must save them now and really nobody cares.

Emotional manipilation is common and not as some might expect, just with young children who perhaps may not of learnt better solutions and strategies.

You yourself may have issues with dealing with any and all of these situations, I know I can soon get out of bounds as lots of noise and waves of emotions just pass through me like a massive wave I can't always reliably control and I could easily act in ways whose consequences may last a long time without realizing it.

 There always are times when I need the uncomprising message of firm spanking to help me regulate my responses and to help prevent me doing anything really rash.

Situations can be crazy, other people can be a pain in the rear but in the end I need to learn to deal appropriately with it and you may need to make sure I learn a painful lesson so I I don't repeat it.

Getting better lessons

Today's entry is a bit more reflective after recent events and with my feeling a bit off this morning my mind does turn to other things.

Despite some of my challenges and as this blog does show some of my less social  turns  that require a good spanking, I do oddly enough want to be a good girl, be more use to people and generally make a difference in peoples lives.

Trying and I can be, to follow more of the ethos of things like GirlGuiding, revisit more of  the lessons I really should of learned around that time and make some clear changes is more where I am at presently cos really the only thing that needs to change is me.

I have this big soft doll to cuddle up and hug that should help remind me of what the best me looks like and get more into line.

Going backwards to go forward really is more what's needed for more to move on.

As you know I do study and that studying involves Math so I need a basic Geometry set and this the one I currently have that comes in a slip case.

 On the reverse of the slipcase there is a an illustration of what is included  in the set.

 When you get to pull it out of the slip case  you have an aluminum  tin that keeps it all together in a simple, traditional way that also is very elegant.

 When you pull it open, in the lid you have a school timetable you can personalize while on the reverse it has information on weights and measures and this is wrapped around a stencilling kit.

As you can see we have the time honoured, rule set square and protractor couples with a compass, pencil, erasure and pencil sharpener that all fits neatly.

Personally I think this is a great basic set you can add too later on.

 

Because I do quite a bit of colouring too I did pick up this Staedtler heavy duty two slot pencil sharpener as I find myself needing to resharpen them to help keep my colouring neat.

 

Again learning to aside other thoughts and relearn being content to colour, use your imagination and be a good deal less reactive stomping is more the thing and colouring does help keep me feeling calm and in control of my at times wayward emotions.

Tidying up the past and a nod to the future

 

After a better weekend at least as far as the weather goes with sunshine and pleasant warm temperatures we are back to cool and decisively damp weather with it bucking down outside as I type this.

So you might well ask apart from vibrating the walls and floorboards with heavy blues influenced  music have I been doing?

The answer has to be sorting out chunks of the main blog which having a long eighteen year history was rather messy in places from the days of "Treacle" the legendary Windows XP desktop that run some sites as if you were running across a lake of it, intermittent connections and very limited use of images of any sort.

So posts lack graphics that would of helped, sometimes posts never got made as the connection conked out on you even though I have in diaries the ideas I had planned for that week and the odd post needed an update.

I've spent the time working on that across the week, a bit at a time, old diaries out with paper to sequence them in the way they were meant to be back then and it looks great talking about a variety of things that mattered then and differing ways now still do.

Posts here have been a bit different for a bit, going more with a hotline to emotions, thoughts and feelings journaling than the past simply cos I feel the need to just let things out between the more everyday stuff of an eternal adult school girl.

And that feels better.

Convictions and the elephant in the room

Well last week had a lot of polly ticks of the hypothetical apples to oranges, what if stuff going on  which I decided to tune right out of of the sort I could in the Sixth of written a decent essay pulling apart the basis of.

When I was "on fire" then I'd be hitting the B's to A minus's on the grades preferring to make a case for one point of view than trying to create some "approved" consensus that never really came down on one side.

I really disliked the stillness of those official positions with a lack of real passion and vim so it was little wonder I liked people like Margaret Thatcher and Tony Benn back then cos they knew what they believed in and made their points accordingly.

I'm more for being being how you feel and expressing, certainly within polite boundaries, just how you feel about things.

I can't fake my emotions.

It's one thing to be with people in certain contexts such as family events where that event has nothing directly to do with how you feel about certain people and events and what matters more is having respect for the person you all are joining.

It's really quite another where it seems people suggest that groups sit in judgement of others, assessing their contributions, what and why they are truly there, who feel it is quite in order to volunteer a person who has been so unwell they have had to take medication and go bed for physically demanding chores upon just getting up to eat with a struggle some food on the basis they haven't done much?

And it isn't even their place to???

But then if you were to make a point of ensuring they did know so that no one could say "how was I to know, I don't read minds" then all you get is "you know all you talk about is you and your needs" and so it goes.

Something most autistic people get all the time as if it all comes back to us and our being a problem for them and yet at no one point did anyone who had authority ever call you over for a "bit of a chat" and seem happy with you.

So who or what is the problem???

From how I see it

Our attitudes and behaviours for some of us are things that we do struggle with that can be in an age regressed setting, within age playing scenarios and for some more in the everyday adult world.

For some of us situations that might be irritants for others become overwhelming that either we try to control others to control how their behaviours affect us or we ourselves project our emotions through lashing out at them.

The problem with those approaches is they ignore the everyday social boundaries by flipping the attention those things that you cannot control which only amplifies our reactions.

It is really ourselves that we alone can control adequately if we put our minds to it that really is the more fruitful approach to take and sometimes we see things in a very different way than others might.

There are times with me it has to come out before I really start paying attention to sorting out my behaviour.

Not a good week

When things seem all over the place all you want is coffee, cakes and candy at  least in my experience wrestling with a lot negativity, worrying uncertainties and having to see strangers for assessments that I didn't actually ask for.
Like for instance after the assessment for PIP which whatever can be said of the methodology around it you can see if you apply for something you may well expect some kind of assessment but when you think you got head around that you receive out of the blue note to say you WILL be assessed in connection with you with a long tick box of benefits they tick Employment and Support Allowance not from the people who administer the benefit  but from the assessment company with a very generic explanation applicable to all benefits they assess of what a assessment entails and why you may be having one you do wonder what is going on.
Normally the people running the benefit write to you reviewing you claim sending a cut down version of the original form which you fill out from which they do have the right to send your for an assessment which is logical enough but at least you know why that is.
The last one of those I had was in April 2017and they didn't send me for an assessment but this time I have the form say I AM to be assessed but no real explication of why you may begin to understand why it is with my mental health issues such poor communication practises only make me ill.
Sufficiently ill that it required me to see my doctor for both the impact on my Anxiety - shaking, being unable to sleep, going through every possibility in my mind - but also bringing with a severe migraine which is something I've had since at least seven as I can recall.
That resulted in some tablets to trial for the migraines and some information and advice on managing anxiety, specifically social anxiety. 
It kind of undermines you that I have things I could read, listen to or play but I just don't have the inclination to just feeling like rolling into a ball to be honest.
I've been out on walks for a bit across the week, watching the birds, keeping an eye on what's growing and what isn't as some of the fields seem to be dried up on places not from sunlight but more lack of rain and meeting with dogs and their owners although Orson the literary cat does try to lock me out.

Value added edition

I was reminded a few days a ago that what you might just casually assume we'd all go with isn't always so when told of the tale of a disabled person on a community weekend shopping trip who demanded it return in time for her other pre-arranged event when people were asked how long they wished to be out for, expected to be dropped off by the door and even run home while the others were still out.
Fortunately those in charge had some gumption and refused to let her dictate to others how long on a collective outing they all should be. 
Sometimes people may ask well what sorts of ideas do I subscribe to.

I'm easy going, preferring to reach agreement but will not stand for emotional manipulation or the idea that 'special rights' on grounds of gender, disability or sexuality trump anyone elses.
It isn't necessary to agree a person's point of view but to respect that is theirs and so should be heard.
When faced behind following cold logic or humanity in a situation, put humanity first as its stall of values underpin all others.
Also at SN a number of us while looking at the origin of spanking in our lives talked in outline about our own experiences of it in our schooling which with me is directly relevant as it is a run on of that.  

Pushing away

As I'm typing this it's raining hard  from what I can make out of the gloom just showing through my bedroom window at this hour so whither or not I get outside remains to be seen although after another day where the politicians singularly failed yet again discussing and voting on trade options after the EU but NOT passing an actual withdraw agreement that EU Rules require before they can start negotiating trade outside of it with us.
It's hardly surprising then that a return to the constants in my life has been around in the last month or so across the board as much as because all that "groan up" stuff I've struggled with motivation. 

I have been spending more time out not just walking although I have been doing that too but also sat in the park, just focusing on what's around such as the various flowers that are starting to emerge from the winter, passing insects and birds and trying to keep my mind more more on what I need to do rather than being diverted toward those things that really I have little control over.
I have been doing a bit more reading, reading more of the kinds of stories I loved in original childhood with mysteries and adventures and connected with it spending a bit more time on a website for people who like that kind of fiction, talking with them.
Being in more of a child-like mindset makes for a big difference not least when as it was at the weekend Mother's day over here cos our relationship is still very much child to parent.
As well I have been around SN as tensions lead to toward issues in my emotions and breakdowns when it comes my behaviour that can be talked through as much as with someone like me spanking or at the very least a reminder of its likelihood really helps with it as I easily get into oppositional conduct striking out.
That sites recent changes seem to have reinvigorated it not just in having a software update but also when it comes to interaction with more discussion as well as 'fun' threads.

Role playing?

There are times when I do feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall  of one one them is when it is people insist this thing I write about is just a role play that I elect to play some of the time.
Now it isn't that there's anything wrong of itself with role playing someone who is younger although people do argue about how far and in what context it should be if that is what you feel (and clearly there is a need as it is being met commercially).
No, it's that for some of us it is more going back in your headspace so you are responding as if you were that child or for people like me that in reality a chunk of you is always in a child-like mode and that in effect you are an adult sized child.
Now interesting at a mainstream spanking site of all places there was a link placed to an online magazine that used a actual 1936 test for Emotional Age that people such as psychologists did use to assess the emotional maturity of people as distinct from going just by chronological age.
As it happened I did it which involved answering with a Yes or No a series of twenty-five questions based on certain scenarios, a marking scheme and a calculation to convert the marks to assessed Emotional Age.
The result I got from this was shockingly close to how I had assessed in my own head my my emotional age as I know to be very truthful I am 'immature' in certain respects and not able to function at an adult level.
The test score made me 11.3 years old.  I have maintained for a good number of years I was around  10 and not older than 12 simply because I never 'felt' older, able to carry what anyone older could and it was obvious even in childhood that was so.
Now let's go back to that assertion and again consider if I am 'age playing' here or not?
NO-what is going on is the handling by the standards more of my own era of a 'child' in effect -me- by adults who of necessity have to be parental, have to do things and set boundaries, reinforcing them strictly.
That's the goddam truth.

Weeks thoughts and a surprise or two!

It has been a really quite a hot period of late which has added to the disruption caused by next doors major building work with noise, dust and that going on which tends to push me toward sensual overstimulation and associated behavioural traits such as feeling agitated, unable to think aloud and the like.

Perhaps both a reason to need to get away but also having the potential to bring all that with me when it was for a few days I was away with friends.

A good a start point to all of this was the combination of heat, vertigo the previous week, tiredness from the overstimulation with limited sleep with the heat left me very rundown on arrival feeling very much as if I was going into 'standby' mode.

This while taking nothing of itself from what I enjoyed doing  while being away did mean I wasn't able to help that much as I had wanted to just because I didn't have the energy for it even though I did help when I felt able to.

On the Monday I found myself with a full on R.S.I flare up that made just cutting and bring food to my mouth very painful which meant I had to decline a request to help with washing up that didn't appear to go down too well with the person concerned even if those near me clearly knew how much pain and discomfort I was in as having asked I had told them.

Perhaps in hindsight I should of sought them out given they tend to be very much at the focus of 'gather the troups' activities and as I later discovered although I have a lot to do with them ordinarily, the everyday "Jo doesn't appear well" remark you might of expected someone to have passed on evidently hadn't as they had been blissfully unaware of me being unwell although a number had asked and were informed.

It also was an interesting week as a good few years ago I did mention about how the discipline side of my life was changing and how unexpectedly for the first time since leaving education, the use of caning had come in.

Sometimes it had been decided to take a range of spanking implements for me whenever were are away and sometimes not as no one should underestimate what can be down with little more than a hand and a hairbrush.

This time with nothing more than 'on file' consent, things were going to be much different without any advance notification.

The first indication was unlike before in that I was asked to follow them into their bedroom where apart from being pretty tidy, I noticed a chair with open sides toward the far end of it but in line with the door access.

The door was shut. "You no doubt have noticed the empty chair. You know what it is for don't you?"
I nodded.
"Then get over it, Jo?"

I obediently walked to put my feet by the legs and stretching over the back placed my hands on far corner of the seat just over the front leg joint raising my dress so the lower cheeks of my gym knickers were exposed.

I felt a hand on the tailbone of my back and a draught as I felt their other hand  raising the back of my dress followed by a hand on my now fully exposed as they started a full blown discourse on how I was to behave as they started to hand spank me vigorously.

It felt quite a bit stronger than any I had before and moreover I felt very much reduced in stature feeling  both free from burden of trying to be an adult when you never feel it and very much in the past where others set my limits.

It had been eons since I had a 'reminder spanking' being more familiar with discipline spanking but it set the tone.

The other was I had been a bit less than civil toward the end of one day, forgetting 'please', 'thank you' and generally being rather blase when after breakfast I was asked innocuously enough when I was to change for events shortly where I answered "In a few minutes" when the reply I heard was one I hadn't heard for decades "I'll be back in twenty minutes,okay".

So naturally enough I went to the toilet, had a quick wash and got changed, checking the time sat on my bed scratching my head thinking "What's this about?"

Twenty minutes came and there was a knock on the door so I opened it a little

"Have you changed now?"  "I have, thank you" I replied  as heard something I was not anticipating.

"Come with me now!"

I soon realized we weren't heading toward the corridors that lead out of doors but actually into their room when they shut the door briskly.

"You know what to do, bend over that chair!" They said "You know what I told you and why you are here?"

It dawned on me I had shot through what had been a clear warning about my attitudes and behaviour and that was what this was all about.

Looking toward a table I saw an object amongst a couple and thought "No they were not going to use this" as we'd never done this before but as I was bent over the chair I saw them pick it up.

They had clearly decided it was time to cane me for the first time since I left school where at least they tended to keep me in check as I felt the lifting of my dress and warming up as they ensured I was in the correct position ready to take the swishes and thwacks I had offered my bottom  up to receive.

I had forgotten exactly how it stung in those intervening years as two sets of six were delivered accompanied ows that thought given how loud they were coming out people might hear it passing.

That was how it came to be I had my first caning in this relationship and as I was to find out it wasn't necessarily the last.

In the three and a bit years since this whole relationship started I had wondered what life would be like if for a period it was just like things were back in my childhood and while obviously as a legal adult tm consent applies and exists, the whole rules, cautions and discipline for not applying them would just run as part of life with no set time or location for all of this.

The week was just that and while in hindsight knowledge of how I was feeling may well of altered aspects of it which was my own failure, none the less it was what I felt comfortable with emotionally.

What had been envisioned came into being, from being at the point where on paper caning was an option, they had seen my reactions to it - that I could take it and while some may of said "Okay you're not well  but Next time, you're getting it" I feel it was time the gloves came off.
I know I certainly well be caned from now on and that's what I'm needing to be more considerate of what people do for me.

Horizontal thoughts

Things are better in pink I think!

 As explained on the other blog, not much tm happened at the weekend but maybe that enforced break was a good thing in a way because it meant I used time to just switch off and relax rather than trying to get a half dozen things  together.
Sometimes just listening to story-telling can help with it outside of my regressive needs so being able to 'tune in' to a friends streamed show with messaging to kind help relax, tossing any unneeded grown up thoughts out of the window on Sunday helped.
The other thing is I feel more confident in myself, what I'm about (and what I'm not) what it is I'm trying to do knowing actually I own that that leaves me feeling more purposeful, like I'm in control here.
I walked through a door smiling with confidence.
The noise from next doors building works is a pain but I'm just going out more into the outdoors and they pack up mid afternoon and it shouldn't be that long before it's all over with with most of the roof timbers in.
Now for a Magnum icecream!

Paying ones respects

Part of last week was taken up with getting ready for and attending Susan's funeral  which will what today's entry is about
I set out around Midday Wednesday to travel by train to my and her friends in South Staffordshire from the North of the County because Susan had lived for a considerable period in the far South East of England which would be 460 square miles round trip and take a considerable amount of time to get to.
Thus the arrangement was going to involve  having a cooked meal and stopping over night because we'd need to set out just after 6AM  to deal both with the traffic around Birmingham in our region plus that around Greater London/Surrey/Kent which even around Mid Morning is very high to be sure of getting to our first stop.
We played some music including a couple of Beatles cds I'd brought with me as they  had grown up with them on record but no longer had them before going to bed early which is pretty much when my normal bedtime is as at times poorly disabled adult-child.
We got up and dressed very much in black with in my instance deciding to wear a wine coloured sweater in a colour Susan often wore with it before fixing some breakfast ready for off packing a coat in case it was needed and in my instance some oatmeal bars and fruit juice she I need something before being able to pull into a motorway service station that part from selling gasoline, has shops, a cafe and toilets.
As two immediate family members of mine are diabetics, I take the importance of regular meal breaks pretty seriously. Sensing a migraine (travel plus flashing light/sun can trigger it) coming on I immediately took my tablets as they help.
Traffic from Oxfordshire onwards was heavy so we stopped off along the M25 London Orbital Motorway to buy a few things and use the conveniences before continuing in view of the Surrey North Downs where I had been resident for a period actually before we arrived at our first stop a very important town in the history of the Norman Conquest with a splendid Abbey.
Our first task was to get a wreath to the undertaker (the person who deals with the deceased's body) before they closed and the body would make its precession to the Crematorium which we did. We also met her carer who had some mementos before going to the Bluebell Cafe for a a pot of tea served in the finest Staffordshire pottery and found the place the wake (reception for family and friends of the deceased) was for later on.
We then walked about a mile to the rail station to pick up three friends and with another who was staying locally then drove to yet another famous town in the Norman Conquest on the coast where the Crematorium was and where the traffic along the 'A' Road which is the main link to London was pretty bad as it was also in the middle of the town itself.
Indeed it was that bad one of our friends travelling independently only just got there in time!
We assembled in one of the reception rooms waiting for our slot before  we stood at the side of the drive way where the black long car, the 'hearse' , followed by a car with Susan's parents who are elderly and frail in it before we moved relatives first to the chapel for the service to begin.
At Susan's request, the song Parisienne  Walkway by Gary Moore and Phil Lynott was played at the start followed by the eulogies from a Butcher to whom I'd certainly heard about in her life who know her as a man working and socializing together, her parents and then from my friend.
Because some people only would of know her as a man while the service very much referred to her in her transitioned gender and name, for those who were not aware of it reference to her former (male) name was also made.
Drawing them together, they illustrated her wit, intellect, ability to quickly learn, the contributions she'd made in peoples lives as well as her more 'I'm right, you're wrong  and I'll say what I think' side which she had (and acknowledged herself).
There was a reading of the William Wordsworth poem "I wandered lonely as a Cloud" which we learnt was one Susan  had learned from her mother.
The service concluded with another of her music choices Queen's Another One Bites the Dust before we travelled back to her town for the 'wake' which was held in a social club she'd spent much time in over the years.
A spread was laid on so given the weather had held up to the point I'd left my coat in the car, we took our drinks to an outside balcony area with tables together with food and sit in the fresh air talking where we were joined by her Aunt and Uncle and her carer who spent time talking with us about who we were and about our part in Susan's life.
By early evening it was cooling down so we moved to the bar area where tracks were being played in memory of her on the jukebox such as Rubber Bullets famous within our group for an attempt to play a playlist from computer but refusing to play anything but that much to her amusement as from her point of view 'Techno-faff' as she called it, had failed!
We also spotted on the club wall she'd won the club Snooker championship one year as well as learning a bit more of the club games she played such as chess.
By that point all goodbyes being said to her friends,family and amongst our own, we departed for the long trip home which had us arrive with one brief stop around 10:15 PM and quickly having salad before bed time.
It says a lot about me that where as normally I'd of been up anytime from about half five to half six normally I wasn't down Friday morning until eight because not just emotionally but physically I was shattered as glad as I was to have been  able to attend.
We did talk about the service and about her life as we had some breakfast before travelling by car to Bilston Street Island parking lot and walking to the rail station to catch my train (and bus) home.
It was difficult, as I remarked to one of our group, had I of had mascara on my eyes would of been pandafied as I was tearful travelling down rubbing them but I do feel this will help in both dealing with the grief and in generally moving on in my life which was influenced by hers so much.

Closing the chapter week

I guess the first thing I wish to do is to thank everyone who either left comments  on the blog or at certain sites regarding last weeks entry cos I wasn't in truth sure how to write something that payed homage to my friend that also acknowledged those differences between us.
I have been in touch with that common friend since.
Things are slowly working there way through which these things do with the date for the cremation being fixed and so at an emotional level I've been tying up as many loose ends as possible to help that whole process of moving on.
I have been continuing on with my exercise even with the heavy rain and as at this weekend heavy intermittent showers, pausing as I felt the need to reflect on past events and let those emotions out rather than holding them in as I have in the past.
Just being in the open air, looking at the fields, watching the lambs going 'Baa' while the birds twitter overhead and the horses are also out dashing toward the fence as you look on all is helping reset me.
It's certainly more settling than current international relations are I can tell you.
I'm also working on a pet project that despite one  false start should prove useful for me as time goes on.

A family affair

During this week when I'm preparing for going away in a few days time, there are a couple of things on my mind.
One is my Uncle who hasn't been well for a period with Alzheimer's but by December had got the point his partner felt they had little choice other than to place him on a trail basis in a care home simply because he needed round the clock supervision as he's forget if he'd taken tablets, time of day and tellingly couldn't put names to faces.
Indeed on at least a couple of occasions to my knowledge he'd gone missing, going toward a past 'home' with no realization it was no long the one he was at.
My relationship with him as with most males in my family was one of not feeling comfortable around which was no reflection on him personally but due to ahem 'other' experiences in childhood  so until my mid teens I'd pretty much hide from him whenever we were around.
Things are concerning at the moment for him being in Hospital with a major infection which is proving hard to treat and indeed they are unable to get a camera into him to look in his system.
Moreover he just seems to be lying in bed, not saying anything from tiredness not itself being aided by not eating any food for days.
It isn't shall we say looking good at all. 
Thursday February 1st was the day in which my Aunts funeral service was held locally and what she meant to me was written on the other blog. I have been walking and looking at her house not that it was comfortable but simply because I know  I'll never be heading to or entering into it as I remembered it and so I need to say a kind of farewell to that part of my life.
My Aunt's eulogy  read out by the Minister of the chapel she grew up in as a girl was really well put together showing how her Methodist upbringing had shaped how she lived her life, a life it has to be said made difficult by severe Asthma and the care and concern she had for others.
To be with her as I was  often in difficult situations in my messy family situations even past eighteen armed with a teddy and children's books feeling misunderstood  and in need of affection one felt this.
Her home, shared at the time with her parents was in so many was a second home, a refuge where my what now would seen as littles age regressed side was a place where they accepted developmentally disabled me as that caring and dealing with that adult but child was vital and from which older members of the community learned to understand and accept me as I am. They bought me simple child-like gifts such as annuals and selection boxes  finding by valuing me what I had to offer them because love is reflected by love. Always.
Among effects I was gifted a grey and white stuffie which is pretty apt given how I am rather than anything really groan up and that it was the first place I could just be this adult-child being accepted by her and her parents without judgment.