Reflections fromSummer 2019 camp

Well, we're back after last weeks adventures that have been documented on the other blog on Monday so I won't repeat myself too much here.
As you'll know I've had a good number of things on my mind for most of the year so far in which have made my conditions somewhat worse than usual so going away as the processes around those things resolve themselves was really more about resetting myself.
One good thing about where we were was that I could just go off into a massive garden to think and immerse myself in watching and listen to the birds, enjoying the plants with many fascinating insects, just getting into that frame of mind.
Sometimes I find the preoccupation with news, reports from various groups on topics just overwhelms me to the point I sense my heart sinking every time I hear the letterbox open so just being totally away from it helped.
The other was just playing and colouring in where I made up the colour scheme rather than slavishly following the original ones that help lift my mind toward both a sense of imagination and also the possible rather than being stuck in a cycle of negativity.
I also did go for walks which lead to me interacting with strangers, exploring the area and just feeling more at ease with myself and the wider world.
Upon my return I felt fresher and a beige envelope showed my ESA money  for not being able to work was going to continue which draws a line under much of what had taken its toll on me. 

Assessment Two done (and hopefully fixed)

Today is a day after a Employment and Support Allowance face to face assessment which was quite late in getting started as they arrived with notionally only fifteen minutes in a two hour slot remaining and with a hungry migraine ridden me feeling nauseous yawning my head off.
Ideal test conditions, what?
I had worked out this wasn't a suspected benefits fraud appointment but the lack of procedural appropriate communication wasn't helpful which reduced the options to periodic review with seven days notice cos we can or a post Sept 2017 look into whither having accepted you can't be supported or retrained into work easily actually you haven't a hope in hell of EVER doing so and so save them reassessing you periodically.
Fun started when the person who was a bona fide Doctor working for the company asked me to fill out an evidence form to say I had proved I was me so I had Mom fill it out as I can scarcely  bloody well write with a pen and just put a squiggle in the signature box as my hands were off.
That helped!
He then asked for my many and overlapping medical conditions so I gave him print out  of them that was in the April 2017 form and showed him my medication
I then spotted something familiar, the WCA50 form I'd got done a paragraph a day from that year so it obvious what the game was - assessment on a two and bit year old form - that as it happened I had a copy of key bits of and knew back to front having revisit it to reword for the PIP claim I was forced to make a few months back.
So he just explored not questioning each bit so I just went back over tossing examples with prompts from my folks (who tossed some stuff in back up the shortly word but chilling descriptions of how I'm severely disabled and how I need tons of help with all the why bits ticked and added).
As I was migrained out we skipped standing and walking just testing grip, arm, neck, leg muscle strength) which I was 100% confident would confirm what I had said there are clear and real limits and weaknesses showing him my inflamed shaking paws that would match a medical diagnosis.
He then left.
I'm reasonably confident the claim for ESA will stand and have met the phrases ("Descriptors"  for being treated as untrainable and supportable for work and quite likely to remain the same forever as it can't improve over time and isn't responsive to any upcoming treatment.

Not a good week

When things seem all over the place all you want is coffee, cakes and candy at  least in my experience wrestling with a lot negativity, worrying uncertainties and having to see strangers for assessments that I didn't actually ask for.
Like for instance after the assessment for PIP which whatever can be said of the methodology around it you can see if you apply for something you may well expect some kind of assessment but when you think you got head around that you receive out of the blue note to say you WILL be assessed in connection with you with a long tick box of benefits they tick Employment and Support Allowance not from the people who administer the benefit  but from the assessment company with a very generic explanation applicable to all benefits they assess of what a assessment entails and why you may be having one you do wonder what is going on.
Normally the people running the benefit write to you reviewing you claim sending a cut down version of the original form which you fill out from which they do have the right to send your for an assessment which is logical enough but at least you know why that is.
The last one of those I had was in April 2017and they didn't send me for an assessment but this time I have the form say I AM to be assessed but no real explication of why you may begin to understand why it is with my mental health issues such poor communication practises only make me ill.
Sufficiently ill that it required me to see my doctor for both the impact on my Anxiety - shaking, being unable to sleep, going through every possibility in my mind - but also bringing with a severe migraine which is something I've had since at least seven as I can recall.
That resulted in some tablets to trial for the migraines and some information and advice on managing anxiety, specifically social anxiety. 
It kind of undermines you that I have things I could read, listen to or play but I just don't have the inclination to just feeling like rolling into a ball to be honest.
I've been out on walks for a bit across the week, watching the birds, keeping an eye on what's growing and what isn't as some of the fields seem to be dried up on places not from sunlight but more lack of rain and meeting with dogs and their owners although Orson the literary cat does try to lock me out.