Coping with the winter

By the time I get around to posting this we *may* have snow thanks to a pressure system from Siberia, Russia according to forecasters so part of this week was taken up with taking precautions because I do take some tablets that I find help in managing my conditions so I needed to go into town to get them.
Although it is a bit controversial I do find Omega 3 typically found in fish oils helps in a couple of important ways with me the first being I find it helps my brain to be mentally sharper and less of a fuzzy haze than it is when I don't take them and the other being they do help control the side effects of my badly damaged tendons keeping inflammation lower without the issues I had with non-steroids anti inflammatories  like Voltarol which caused damage to my stomach lining.
So It kinda matters to get them in while I can.
As well, I am making progress in walking having managed Sunday morning to walk a good eighth of a mile more than could a few months back which is quite an improvement on how I have been a for good number of years and that despite a full cooked breakfast.
Weekend meals I think probably are bigger in terms of calories compared with those during the week so I may at some point need to look at how to size them down a fraction as I'm convinced  I honestly don't need the cooked breakfast and full evening meal on Sundays.
I stood still and  saw a Blue Tit land on  a branch very close to me which was really nice to see while out in brilliant orange glow of the Winter Sun even if it was just 1 degree C and so I was very well wrapped up with gloves and scarf on.

 Tuesday brought snow to this part of the Midlands so wrapped up well I did walk a bit cos a part of what I'm trying to do is to unlearn some of the 'bad' lessons from the past one of which is because I did hurt myself during the Winter snow season of allowing a fear of what happened to paralyze me from going out and to allow it to justify inactivity even I need to be active because it makes me feel alive and healthy.
Being outside really helps me.

Reflections from littles camp Winter 2018

In some respects this is a follow up to littles camp report  that I blogged on the main blog on Monday as while that covered more of the activities and events of littles camp this entry is really more around my personal, emotional reflections on that period.
A good a start as any is to look at my emotions which as you all know have been all over the place with the permanent loss of one relative and sadly the living loss of uncle who is sleeping further and further into the Alzheimer's fog, struggling to recognize a soul.
In some ways at least it takes me back to how I was when I was Thirteen around the time my Grandpa died when I was sent around to keep an eye on him although in truth I felt way way out of my depth struggling even then look after myself never mind being expected to make (relatively) mature decisions when neither of us could understand each other but everybody else was going through the charade pretending this was okay.
I know, we all know, losing a close relative is a loss, and you do grieve for them but this memory is associated with feeling helpless, inadequate even and it's that which has been on my mind.
For me, being away was necessary because I needed to have mental and emotional space to process these thoughts and to do things that made me feel happy and whole again so just being focused more on play being away from the environment where all this hangs around cloud style was a must.
It also helped that those who I entrusted about what was happening were supportive, showing love and concern without smothering me so while being supported I could breathe while sharing and taking turns helped reconnect me as I am very prone to just shutting down when feeling overwhelmed emotionally.
One thing unexpected that happened was because Camp this time was more laid back with less structured activity a few of us did feel not withstanding it was Winter to venture out of doors so we actually went on longish nature trails.
I found just being away from things, switching off to all other than the natural sounds,sights and smells helped  as we walked talked about various things although it was the case I did lose my footing and had to pulled up as my foot landed in mud and started to go sliding requiring my camera and shoes to cleaned !
We also encountered dogwalkers who actually were not phazed by seeing me in a dress and three-quarter socks along their travels and indeed one complemented me on my looks as friends with permission stroked the dogs!
While thinking a bit about where you might go makes sense avoiding extreme presentations, sometimes we set the bar in terms of what can be accepted higher than many are prepared to accept us as ourselves.
While out I also did some photography which usually helps relax me.
One thing I did talk about with member of the group who also has brain damage was how we do things, the things we do appear on the surface to cope with that leads others to think we don't have the needs we actually do.
This is something I do find a problem not least in trying to shop where staff are trying to upsell to you and make offers that I'm in no position to deal with leaving me in suspended animation and others seeing me struggle asking if you're okay because I haven't just frozen but have gone mute. I'd sooner have an official card I can show so I can treated more like a minor at the counter as my capacity in these situations is very much sub adult and in that respect I need 'protection'.
When I'm away I'm always 'looked after' in their words "I always treat you more like a child" and apart from the odd verbal reminder I did behave myself and helped out making what I was to eat and doing chores such as setting the table or loading the car ready to go.
They are quite firm with me around that whole area of having to assume some responsibility and play an active if of necessity limited role which was a bit of culture shock at first but is helping me do a bit more and find some self discipline.
I found the time away did help me think past those issues that were on my mind, finding more joy in more fun child-like things which is in so many ways where I remain ever the adult but child while the walking helped with developing and maintaining better fitness not just physically but also mentally too.

Away update

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

A family affair

During this week when I'm preparing for going away in a few days time, there are a couple of things on my mind.
One is my Uncle who hasn't been well for a period with Alzheimer's but by December had got the point his partner felt they had little choice other than to place him on a trail basis in a care home simply because he needed round the clock supervision as he's forget if he'd taken tablets, time of day and tellingly couldn't put names to faces.
Indeed on at least a couple of occasions to my knowledge he'd gone missing, going toward a past 'home' with no realization it was no long the one he was at.
My relationship with him as with most males in my family was one of not feeling comfortable around which was no reflection on him personally but due to ahem 'other' experiences in childhood  so until my mid teens I'd pretty much hide from him whenever we were around.
Things are concerning at the moment for him being in Hospital with a major infection which is proving hard to treat and indeed they are unable to get a camera into him to look in his system.
Moreover he just seems to be lying in bed, not saying anything from tiredness not itself being aided by not eating any food for days.
It isn't shall we say looking good at all. 
Thursday February 1st was the day in which my Aunts funeral service was held locally and what she meant to me was written on the other blog. I have been walking and looking at her house not that it was comfortable but simply because I know  I'll never be heading to or entering into it as I remembered it and so I need to say a kind of farewell to that part of my life.
My Aunt's eulogy  read out by the Minister of the chapel she grew up in as a girl was really well put together showing how her Methodist upbringing had shaped how she lived her life, a life it has to be said made difficult by severe Asthma and the care and concern she had for others.
To be with her as I was  often in difficult situations in my messy family situations even past eighteen armed with a teddy and children's books feeling misunderstood  and in need of affection one felt this.
Her home, shared at the time with her parents was in so many was a second home, a refuge where my what now would seen as littles age regressed side was a place where they accepted developmentally disabled me as that caring and dealing with that adult but child was vital and from which older members of the community learned to understand and accept me as I am. They bought me simple child-like gifts such as annuals and selection boxes  finding by valuing me what I had to offer them because love is reflected by love. Always.
Among effects I was gifted a grey and white stuffie which is pretty apt given how I am rather than anything really groan up and that it was the first place I could just be this adult-child being accepted by her and her parents without judgment.