Role playing?

There are times when I do feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall  of one one them is when it is people insist this thing I write about is just a role play that I elect to play some of the time.
Now it isn't that there's anything wrong of itself with role playing someone who is younger although people do argue about how far and in what context it should be if that is what you feel (and clearly there is a need as it is being met commercially).
No, it's that for some of us it is more going back in your headspace so you are responding as if you were that child or for people like me that in reality a chunk of you is always in a child-like mode and that in effect you are an adult sized child.
Now interesting at a mainstream spanking site of all places there was a link placed to an online magazine that used a actual 1936 test for Emotional Age that people such as psychologists did use to assess the emotional maturity of people as distinct from going just by chronological age.
As it happened I did it which involved answering with a Yes or No a series of twenty-five questions based on certain scenarios, a marking scheme and a calculation to convert the marks to assessed Emotional Age.
The result I got from this was shockingly close to how I had assessed in my own head my my emotional age as I know to be very truthful I am 'immature' in certain respects and not able to function at an adult level.
The test score made me 11.3 years old.  I have maintained for a good number of years I was around  10 and not older than 12 simply because I never 'felt' older, able to carry what anyone older could and it was obvious even in childhood that was so.
Now let's go back to that assertion and again consider if I am 'age playing' here or not?
NO-what is going on is the handling by the standards more of my own era of a 'child' in effect -me- by adults who of necessity have to be parental, have to do things and set boundaries, reinforcing them strictly.
That's the goddam truth.

Reflections from littles camp Winter 2018

In some respects this is a follow up to littles camp report  that I blogged on the main blog on Monday as while that covered more of the activities and events of littles camp this entry is really more around my personal, emotional reflections on that period.
A good a start as any is to look at my emotions which as you all know have been all over the place with the permanent loss of one relative and sadly the living loss of uncle who is sleeping further and further into the Alzheimer's fog, struggling to recognize a soul.
In some ways at least it takes me back to how I was when I was Thirteen around the time my Grandpa died when I was sent around to keep an eye on him although in truth I felt way way out of my depth struggling even then look after myself never mind being expected to make (relatively) mature decisions when neither of us could understand each other but everybody else was going through the charade pretending this was okay.
I know, we all know, losing a close relative is a loss, and you do grieve for them but this memory is associated with feeling helpless, inadequate even and it's that which has been on my mind.
For me, being away was necessary because I needed to have mental and emotional space to process these thoughts and to do things that made me feel happy and whole again so just being focused more on play being away from the environment where all this hangs around cloud style was a must.
It also helped that those who I entrusted about what was happening were supportive, showing love and concern without smothering me so while being supported I could breathe while sharing and taking turns helped reconnect me as I am very prone to just shutting down when feeling overwhelmed emotionally.
One thing unexpected that happened was because Camp this time was more laid back with less structured activity a few of us did feel not withstanding it was Winter to venture out of doors so we actually went on longish nature trails.
I found just being away from things, switching off to all other than the natural sounds,sights and smells helped  as we walked talked about various things although it was the case I did lose my footing and had to pulled up as my foot landed in mud and started to go sliding requiring my camera and shoes to cleaned !
We also encountered dogwalkers who actually were not phazed by seeing me in a dress and three-quarter socks along their travels and indeed one complemented me on my looks as friends with permission stroked the dogs!
While thinking a bit about where you might go makes sense avoiding extreme presentations, sometimes we set the bar in terms of what can be accepted higher than many are prepared to accept us as ourselves.
While out I also did some photography which usually helps relax me.
One thing I did talk about with member of the group who also has brain damage was how we do things, the things we do appear on the surface to cope with that leads others to think we don't have the needs we actually do.
This is something I do find a problem not least in trying to shop where staff are trying to upsell to you and make offers that I'm in no position to deal with leaving me in suspended animation and others seeing me struggle asking if you're okay because I haven't just frozen but have gone mute. I'd sooner have an official card I can show so I can treated more like a minor at the counter as my capacity in these situations is very much sub adult and in that respect I need 'protection'.
When I'm away I'm always 'looked after' in their words "I always treat you more like a child" and apart from the odd verbal reminder I did behave myself and helped out making what I was to eat and doing chores such as setting the table or loading the car ready to go.
They are quite firm with me around that whole area of having to assume some responsibility and play an active if of necessity limited role which was a bit of culture shock at first but is helping me do a bit more and find some self discipline.
I found the time away did help me think past those issues that were on my mind, finding more joy in more fun child-like things which is in so many ways where I remain ever the adult but child while the walking helped with developing and maintaining better fitness not just physically but also mentally too.

"Nothing else seems to help..."

After last weeks justified rant about the failings of part of my Support System in dealing a important health and welfare issue we move on to something else.

This digitized newspaper clipping from the mid twentieth century where in connection with bring up children (and young adults) there was quite a bit of talk about what worked and up to how old you then popular methods of discipline such as spanking should be used for.
The explanation around why the daughter gets spanks more often than many  is very very close to home because with me I just don't deal with warnings and reasoning is often less than effective with me getting muddled and seen more as a walk over as I just ignore them.
Until the resumption in adulthood of era stereotypical spanking, we'd just ignore any requests and just get into a totally confused mess when trying to verbally chastise me.

To actually deal with me you need to learn to feel comfortable with having a relationship with me where you will communicate your displeasure by just gently restraining me with an arm  and spanking me straightaway.

You need to hold nothing back so I feel both physically and emotionally your displeasure ensuring it registers with me beyond any doubt to dissuade me in the future from repeating it.

You may need to be prepared in extreme situations to bring a cane out to really get the point over because the point is simply, this is just about the only thing that does teach me how to behave oddly enough. It's just how I'm wired.

Adult Free Zone

Hello and welcome to this Saturday's edition of the blog that may appear at times to be about any number of things but usually is connected in some way to discipline in the wider sense of the word and spanking.
In the week that saw the death of Tom Petty whose songwriting and performances I loved for decades saw a person on Tumblr follow me for a matter of minutes before unfollowing no doubt because I don't pander to soft porn and the like.
That as far as I'm concerned is their loss because I'm just me and age regression is just that and non-sexual so anyone can go whistle if they think that's what you'll find.
The thing some just don't get about this life it isn't some cheap spicing up of peoples romantic and sexual lives but it is routed very much in actual needs not role played but one where uncomfortable truths need to be accepted such as the need for adult protection when emotionally and developmentally you are more a child and when as I was painfully reminded last weekend at the door I couldn't cope with a adult door to door seller situation and I needed to be 'seen' as the 'child' who lives there having nothing to with Soffits and the like who at best would ask 'Daddy' to come to the door.
That's the thing, age regression equates to treating me as that adult/Child, dressing me as one isn't just cute (although god knows I look cute like that) in a pinafore or summer gingham dress, a set of handed down rules from adult parental figures coupled with support with scolding and spanking me as an agreed matter of course for disobedience and disrespect.
It just works out better this way.

Memory stick musings

I'm just getting on with writing up this blog over the weekend where I have been a bit low in spoons which happens at times with me.
Over the last week or so I've  been thinking a bit about the difference in where I am now and where I was at a good eight to ten years ago which may seem only like yesterday to me given how my brain is wired but actually is a significant amount of time.
For one thing, that was the post breakdown period with me where I hit the buffers trying to play a role I had been encouraged to by a lot of so-called disability experts who today I see as people who fundamentally were trying to deny the major part disabilities play in my life and to a large extent shape by denying the impact and in effect having me do slot into their idea of what a 'successful' disabled person was supposed to be - an achiever showing academic abilities despite disabilities rather than a person who is may well be capable but with significant functioning issues that require constant support.
The other stemming from the same place was they also denied how those limitations mean in terms of mental development, I was functioning several years younger having the overview, language and mindset of a more junior child at high school and several years further on at the same point but being expected to perform at an adult level.
This simply isn't and hasn't in a number of decade hasn't occurred because however good I may be at filling in some gaps, the larger ones remain and to an extent even the fact I do fill the minor gaps leaves me the more vulnerable because people focus on that 'achievement' rather than what I cannot cope with and why I struggle making my way through adult life and situations.
Another of the things around this period was discovering networks sometimes websites sometimes hubs and it was one these that caught my eye Monday when looking through a  memory stick with more of an eye to pictures of my old monitor and its Charmmy Kitty screen saver, I spotted some screen prints done off it from a site I spent quite a bit time on.
Yahoo 360 for the youngsters, was a giant hub where lots of groups had spaces on, you could message and blog and your blogs were interactive, you had a update stream from what your friends were doing  and at the time I was looking around  littles and Tg/'sissy' groups, talking with people, exploring that side of life which I enjoyed until it shut down around July 2009.
That lead to a blog being started *cough* to collate what old posts I originally had on Yahoo 360.
That was a part of my coping mechanism back then as I have been recently explaining a little to people about bringing life back into line with what actually works for me, what meets my actual needs not least the 'little' side of me cos not wishing to sound like a record it's not so much age play as being in an actual age regressed by anyone else's standards headspace without an off button.
One difference between now that period is the likes of Facebook, Tumblr and to a point Fetlife fulfill what we had circa 2007-9 with dedicate sites being more niche affairs and in some respects for me Tumblr fills the Yahoo slot although for more dedicated needs the likes of EE, FA, DDLG World and GT cover more group and have a better focus. Imho, Tumblr if it built in proper Communities support rather than groups who squabble of tag rights and alleged misuse of could easily be a total 2017 Yahoo 360 replacement.
The other is I do feel more stronger in myself to pursue the life that makes more sense and especially to ensure I'm in those settings that respect my real needs  being prepared to engage with me on the level I'm at, helping me to do what I can for myself while while accepting my child-like vulnerabilities prepared to just step in as needed to deal with any situations I land in.
That's come about through the baby steps I took through that period exploring my needs and making appropriate connections to communities where I really belong.
For me then the 00's were where it all came together,

Dealing with situations

This week I've been dealing with a couple of things that are not easy for someone like me to do and can have a bad effect on me emotionally and behaviourally.
Like most people I have a checking account with a Bank which is typically used for things such as my disability income replacement and care needs payments (Dla) to be paid into since for the majority of people payment by Government cheques redeemable at Post Offices or transferable to bank accounts stopped a good number of years back and equally I use to pay for things such things I buy, my PayPal tm transactions and rail tickets and to draw out paper bank notes.
To cut a long story short, here in the UK, banks have been trying to get out of owning branches, encouraging people to move to mobile or online banking and paperless billing and I recently received a letter saying unless I told them otherwise, I would no longer be getting monthly paper statements from August and they would be done quarterly.
Now while you can telephone the bank where it can tell you your transaction details, I don't always understand what is said and between hearing it and say trying to write it down , I totally forget what was said and while I can see a monitor online, my dyslexia is such words and figure go all over the place while so I normally use colour transparencies and a rule to filter  on paper this doesn't work on a monitor and I'd end up having print everything off.
I get very anxious telephoning people, never feeling I've understood them  and what we agreed especially if needs me to read information cos I struggle with that so I wasn't looking forward to it which wasn't helped by a good seven minutes wait.
Anyway I get through to a customer advisor in Glasgow and having supplied my ID details, explain to him a bit about my disabilities around talking and using the bank before explaining my call is about monthly statements and I'd like to keep them. We do a quick ID to confirm the account and with his support, reassuring me throughout I managed to do this by myself.
The other thing was that 'Form' - the Employment and Support Allowance Work Capability Assessment from April and I had a brown envelope from the Government department  that makes decisions and sends the payments electronically  in yesterday's mail in a badly worded three sheet letter.
It tells me they have looked again (not using the word 'reviewed') at my claim due to a 'change' (not saying what 'change' it is) outlining what I should get , what to if wish to appeal the decision and that I'm judged to be in the group for people who are unlike to transition back into work anytime soon.
Without expressly saying it, given nothing else had changed I'm reasonably sure this is the decision looked at with medical information from my doctor by the assessment people and the department as it was dated last Tuesday and followed a statement by them of my total payments for the last tax year I had last week.
I'm cautiously optimistic this is the last say for a good while about that benefit which leaves me feeling a lot more relieved.

Welcome to my dorm

A prize of a packet of Smarties for anyway sufficiently awake to spot anything different this week when you tuned in.

Originally when I made this place it was with a very real difference rather like for differing reasons my Big Blog was too compared to "The World of Joanne_chan" but because my life has changed both blogs needed work on them and having gotten the Big Blog sorted for more grown up concerns such as Current Affairs and anything that isn't really  apart of my more regular middly/littles life my attention moved to here as I felt it was a bit messy in places and while more Ouchie things were originally what it was set up to talk about, really it and me have moved on.
This place is called Joanne's Dorm because it's the place I rest, think, if I'm naughty get a spanking and sleep in rather than the rooms where I study, play and be with other people having adventures, following my interests and hobbies talking about that side of little/middle life.
One thing I do find difficult is being able to get a good sense of where my emotions and feelings are cos I tend to blank them out so I don't actually assess how I'm feeling processing them and from that learning from them.
This influences what in the wider sense is my attitude and behavioural responses to situations happens to be so writing here about them helps me do this, taking ownership of them and from that helping me grow up more cos at times my thoughts are more magical or expecting others to solve for me rather than about help me learn to deal with them by myself.
That's what people like my Caregiver try to do too although it is hard when like me you get things jumbled up as they happen so I understand as much as I can about what I did (or failed to prevent) and learn from those mistakes.
That's why of late there's been more writing around this topic not that there will not be any mention of spanking because we all know that is part of my life, to help move me past those very same attitudes and  behaviours I spoke of because they come about from me acting on them and its role is to deliver swift painful consequences so I learn as I am increasingly doing not to repeat them while I also get the guidance to change them other more mature responses to those situations.
What you can say is running through this is really this blog is a place by talking how I feel, what did and the necessary discipline it is all a part of the process of helping someone like me who does have very real limits on our ability and potential to nontheless learn to grow up mentally using our abilities with proper direction so we do learn to be more mature and responsible even though we are and will in many ways remain very much younger than our years and child-like.

*This is where I'll do my growing up*

Jo and Noddy

Today I'm going to write something a bit different to what I normally do on this blog as generally I don't write much about books, especially book series I never had that much to do with but in a way actually it ties in rather well.
Enid Blyton it has to be said wrote a good number of the books that featured in my childhood not least the period around ten to sixteen years before people started pushing more 'adults' reading at me even if this series and its central character wasn't one I read much never mind collected.

Noddy is a very interesting character, living in a world known as Toyland, being made from wood and styled as an perfect naughty little boy often getting in trouble with PC Plod having an Uncle Big-Ears who was a parent figure.
The significance of this rests really on what adult wisdom cannot get and children do which is in reality although Noddy is actually (in law) an adult, is able to own and drive a motor car in many other ways he is not, he is very much a young boy having that kind of an outlook, not really responsible, lacking the awareness of what he'd be expect to know. He may be portrayed as a child but isn't.
In some respects then, to me he's a poster child of a person exhibiting a developmental order is like adult (legally) but child (developmentally).
He's got a inflated view of his abilities which may be more from having to 'pass' for an adult but as when challenged by Big Ears his father like figure points out, really he's not and if he'd been educated he'd see that but he hasn't and amongst other things, cannot count beyond twenty.
It's that which the subject of this book, the only one I bought with my own money, which is when it is he goes to school with the young children which you can in Toyland.
He has no idea of what what Miss Rap, his teacher means when she asks him if he knows his tables. Equally when asked to write on the chalkboard one thing he likes to eat he writes his own name because that's all he knows to write which annoys Miss Rap and all the other children laugh at him.
When you have a developmental disability, life especially in school can be like this as you're not functioning at the same level as the others, you have a defensiveness that can soon spill over to defiance, you tend to be very impulsive not concentrating and you don't always help yourself.
Noddy going to school ends with Noddy having learned some lessons, however painful about life having learned some social skills and taking part in a school concert.
I see a connection here in  me having to go back to learning what I failed to both academically, where the story does extol the virtues of hard work, putting ones mind to things and also when it comes to how you relate and behave where Noddy is sent to the corner and when his friend Gilbert Golly after misbehaving is ordered to bring Miss Rap the slipper hanging on the wall.
Put simply I had to realize what I did  not know, having a sense of humility to seek out what I needed rather than allowing the trappings (for Noddy his car, for me, certain roles) to blind me to my true needs and address the attitudes I had that made my life worse than it needed to be.
Noddy needed his corner time, Gilbert needed that reminder even when it has put on hold until the very next time he was going to get a spanking.
I needed someone who was going to be strict with me so I worked to my full potential, being prepared to practise a lot  and given the difficulty I have in dealing with more complex ways of trying to change my behaviour, as that adult but child I needed spanking in the same way.
While I'd sooner this was about a girl, the lessons in the book do apply to someone like me cos in many respects they speak about US and in that respect, it's unique.

The final say (Ultimate Limits)

Last week I was talking about about the origins of some of my cycles of behaviour, how they trip me up and what perhaps can be done to break them.

One thing I do need need to be up front about is some aspects of this behaviour is centred in modern contexts that when I was in my teens simply would not of been foreseen because modern life itself is different.

It seems I am going need to learn to leave my netbook well away from my sleeping space rather like my cellphone always is, simply because when it's at hand with it's glowing power lead, I lack the ability not to be able to look up from the bed without wanting to 'just go check' something or other when I really need to be sleeping ready for first thing next morning.

That sounds very much like a modern teen/parent battleground rather than someone who at least according to the law is an adult but does show something of the problems around lack of focus and personal responsibility I have and it might be I need to be given a consequence for that one lapse.

At one site I had an interesting exchange with two people about around the limits of behaviour, how it is that you can reach the point where somebody needs to be saying, “You're out of line and this IS stopping”, although you may not like the fact that they did it.

I was openly moved by their recognition that even if you may be legally an adult and perhaps in some kind of relationship too this doesn't end and that they'd still have a need to be kept in line.

The way this mature young person put it came over to me as a timely reminder to finally accept what she does, that you are not without limits on your behaviour-there comes a point when they WILL be applied-and it's for your own good.

Another young person indicated I need to try harder to improve on my behaviour as they themselves do. She didn't have to reach out to me but obviously felt I needed this so it's time I took a step forward.

I shall adopt these teens attitudes toward accepting the authority of others over me from now on.

The rights of developmentally disabled adults

The recent controversy over Lego's Discovery Centre's refusal to admit childless developmentally disabled adults on the basis of a adults with no kids not permitted end of policy puts elements of how people legally by virtue of age deemed adult but functionally not adult requiring caregivers are treated very much into play. Few would question the rightness to put the protection of children first but an 'adult' session was not a suitable replacement for those prevented by this as the situation would be too stressful, lack a child-like feel and given the need for carers not work out as many put those most effected and needing such an experience, would be being put to bed as such a session would be underway. Some pointed out those of us who are like this, are vulnerable ourselves, that many carers are vetted in away parents with children attending were not and that some parents use children to sadly get access to abuse others. As well, as the refused were offered  a pre-booked visit escorted at the same times, capacity nor physical safety wasn't an issue either. Society has a need to recognize our needs and how they can be better accommodated within the rules that are rightly about visitor experience while respecting that in so many ways you just can't lump us in with 'adults'. As much as I dislike labels and labelling, perhaps some legal category should exist with an issued card to make it easier for people to grant appropriate exemptions?

Jo life: Transitioning from education to employment

To gauge the extent of some of my difficulties  you need to look at why it was the transfer from the world of Education to Work did not happen when one left the former.
As in many countries, here it is a government responsibility through the schools careers service and government departments to assist the process actively working with you access contacts that are about getting interviews, looking at career options to ensure their is in place a plan for you.
When like me you have multiple disabilities  this is more so and can cover things such as assessments of needs and  abilities that can be developed to aid employability but due to a mis-mash between being educated out of district I wasn't seen as their responsibility and I wasn't seen as that of the district our school was in and each believed the other was dealing with it.
It also was the case as not for the first time in my education, my parents were wonderfully detached from taking an active interest in this that in most situations would of resulted in this being chased up.
Thanks to this I spent the best part of eleven months out of school and out of any meaningful assistance in making a start in employment until I got a referral to a employment rehabiliation centre where I spent four months being assessed for the type of work I might be capable of, what barriers there might be and a formal plan produced.
While there, my difficulties with Math and English were noticed and so I was sent for assessment by a specialist who diagnosed I was actually dyslexic with very poor special awareness. This as with most things about me was ignored although I had suggested as much in my last year in school and rejected by my parents as having gotten one set of conditions they couldn't accept another.
There was remedial teaching in math and english offered as a part of my assessment going through basic addition, subtraction, multiplication and division plus spelling, grammar and punctuation. Although I suspect as an institution for school leavers and adults it probably wasn't meant to, like an number of school leavers there, I was smacked across the hand and given a clip around the ear  by the instructors who did treat us more like children which I guess was propably true at least for me cos I was still in a upper tween mindset.
It was the last institution I received any form of corporal punishment at.

Tiny dolly support workers

One thing I have always like and still enjoy is rag dolls of which I have a good number that live on my shelves that I use whenever I am feeling very anxious or otherwise stressed, holding, stroking or 'playing' with them both at home and at work where they do understand needs like this that I have in things such as meetings.
They help me stay calm and de-stress in such situations so in way they're little 'support workers' in my life.
It's a part of who I am.

Uniform inspections for Jo?

We may only be about a fortnight from my birthday but the difference between me and most people isn't getting any narrower, quite the opposite actually.

I do feel there's something to be said for putting me in a full uniform on a daily basis and inspecting it, rewarding when I do a good job in presenting myself properly and adminstering a suitable punishment when I fail to.
Part of my problem in life is I don't care enough about things, I lack self respect not even checking myself in mirror so something like that might help train me up.