May study weekend

I don't actually know where to put myself today as the weekends events have left me feeling very different about me (and some of this will go elsewhere), what I can do and really about my life so far in.

As well all know, the one big difference this year with the exception of days when I am truly too unwell to work or away on meets such as Camp, my weekends  are taken up with something deliberately challenging.

Two days of concentrated study where I pretty much have to work on just that, sat at a desk, in uniform with no distractions working from the study guides with just fixed recess periods with no dawdling, back chat or refusing to start being accepted.

Really.

This weekend has seen me work on my English looking at how people who write stories try to draw you into the character, getting you to think you were involved and learning how to compare and contrast different texts on the same subject by style, language, use of humour and summarize any differences effectively.

I had set questions to answer on it and I managed 90%.

Concentration is my main thing, I'm awful at it, often leap frogging from task to task often more around what I find interesting rather than what needs to be done and thinking about how  might get the thing finished.

Some days tend to be better compared to others but that's one of my problems apart from just forgetting tons and tons of things within minutes of been told that.

Perhaps getting back to more of this straightaway rather than leaving it a day or so and plenty of practise at making my own strategies for getting stuff done would help a lot more?

Coping with the health emergency from my den

After Monday's entry on the other blog, thoughts on here go managing in the current Coronavirus crisis which is trying because someone with my health conditions is more at risk of catching it and also I react badly to being shut in as it were.

Fortunately this part of the district is not so densely populated so while the general advice might be stay in so long as I keep to more secluded areas such as the woods and farm tracks I can cut risks back while getting fresh air.
It also tend to curb my urges when shut in to act more like a caged tiger lashing out at anyone and anything.

It is possible to get most everyday stuff from shops within walking distance without mixing with large crowds such as foodstuffs, comics and painkillers avoiding the city centre and crowded buses.

While I'd sooner be there cos I like the big stores, markets and museums, I can read books, watch dvds and play music which will help keep my mind off things particularly if I may have a slight cold avoiding making things worse.
When you're low on spoons, you are more likely to pick things up.

I can rely on neighbours and dad getting anything I may need from further away.

Pushing away

As I'm typing this it's raining hard  from what I can make out of the gloom just showing through my bedroom window at this hour so whither or not I get outside remains to be seen although after another day where the politicians singularly failed yet again discussing and voting on trade options after the EU but NOT passing an actual withdraw agreement that EU Rules require before they can start negotiating trade outside of it with us.
It's hardly surprising then that a return to the constants in my life has been around in the last month or so across the board as much as because all that "groan up" stuff I've struggled with motivation. 

I have been spending more time out not just walking although I have been doing that too but also sat in the park, just focusing on what's around such as the various flowers that are starting to emerge from the winter, passing insects and birds and trying to keep my mind more more on what I need to do rather than being diverted toward those things that really I have little control over.
I have been doing a bit more reading, reading more of the kinds of stories I loved in original childhood with mysteries and adventures and connected with it spending a bit more time on a website for people who like that kind of fiction, talking with them.
Being in more of a child-like mindset makes for a big difference not least when as it was at the weekend Mother's day over here cos our relationship is still very much child to parent.
As well I have been around SN as tensions lead to toward issues in my emotions and breakdowns when it comes my behaviour that can be talked through as much as with someone like me spanking or at the very least a reminder of its likelihood really helps with it as I easily get into oppositional conduct striking out.
That sites recent changes seem to have reinvigorated it not just in having a software update but also when it comes to interaction with more discussion as well as 'fun' threads.

Getting things together

Oh well, reaching from the back to fasten anything not least to plat your own hair was always going to difficult for some of us with poor grip and worse co-ordination but you sure can't fault her for trying which is an easy mindset to fall into.
Sometimes it's born of the expectation someone else will always do such things for you or that you are so used to told you never will, it becomes a belief system so you never explore any way in which you might cos in your mind you have you can't and never will.
I've been there to, being capable of getting into a very defensive mindset which may of had more toward how others handled such things in the past especially if they tried guilt tripping you into the bargain but sometimes new techniques can make a real difference so why deprive yourself of a potential ability?

Closing the chapter week

I guess the first thing I wish to do is to thank everyone who either left comments  on the blog or at certain sites regarding last weeks entry cos I wasn't in truth sure how to write something that payed homage to my friend that also acknowledged those differences between us.
I have been in touch with that common friend since.
Things are slowly working there way through which these things do with the date for the cremation being fixed and so at an emotional level I've been tying up as many loose ends as possible to help that whole process of moving on.
I have been continuing on with my exercise even with the heavy rain and as at this weekend heavy intermittent showers, pausing as I felt the need to reflect on past events and let those emotions out rather than holding them in as I have in the past.
Just being in the open air, looking at the fields, watching the lambs going 'Baa' while the birds twitter overhead and the horses are also out dashing toward the fence as you look on all is helping reset me.
It's certainly more settling than current international relations are I can tell you.
I'm also working on a pet project that despite one  false start should prove useful for me as time goes on.

Reflections from littles camp Winter 2018

In some respects this is a follow up to littles camp report  that I blogged on the main blog on Monday as while that covered more of the activities and events of littles camp this entry is really more around my personal, emotional reflections on that period.
A good a start as any is to look at my emotions which as you all know have been all over the place with the permanent loss of one relative and sadly the living loss of uncle who is sleeping further and further into the Alzheimer's fog, struggling to recognize a soul.
In some ways at least it takes me back to how I was when I was Thirteen around the time my Grandpa died when I was sent around to keep an eye on him although in truth I felt way way out of my depth struggling even then look after myself never mind being expected to make (relatively) mature decisions when neither of us could understand each other but everybody else was going through the charade pretending this was okay.
I know, we all know, losing a close relative is a loss, and you do grieve for them but this memory is associated with feeling helpless, inadequate even and it's that which has been on my mind.
For me, being away was necessary because I needed to have mental and emotional space to process these thoughts and to do things that made me feel happy and whole again so just being focused more on play being away from the environment where all this hangs around cloud style was a must.
It also helped that those who I entrusted about what was happening were supportive, showing love and concern without smothering me so while being supported I could breathe while sharing and taking turns helped reconnect me as I am very prone to just shutting down when feeling overwhelmed emotionally.
One thing unexpected that happened was because Camp this time was more laid back with less structured activity a few of us did feel not withstanding it was Winter to venture out of doors so we actually went on longish nature trails.
I found just being away from things, switching off to all other than the natural sounds,sights and smells helped  as we walked talked about various things although it was the case I did lose my footing and had to pulled up as my foot landed in mud and started to go sliding requiring my camera and shoes to cleaned !
We also encountered dogwalkers who actually were not phazed by seeing me in a dress and three-quarter socks along their travels and indeed one complemented me on my looks as friends with permission stroked the dogs!
While thinking a bit about where you might go makes sense avoiding extreme presentations, sometimes we set the bar in terms of what can be accepted higher than many are prepared to accept us as ourselves.
While out I also did some photography which usually helps relax me.
One thing I did talk about with member of the group who also has brain damage was how we do things, the things we do appear on the surface to cope with that leads others to think we don't have the needs we actually do.
This is something I do find a problem not least in trying to shop where staff are trying to upsell to you and make offers that I'm in no position to deal with leaving me in suspended animation and others seeing me struggle asking if you're okay because I haven't just frozen but have gone mute. I'd sooner have an official card I can show so I can treated more like a minor at the counter as my capacity in these situations is very much sub adult and in that respect I need 'protection'.
When I'm away I'm always 'looked after' in their words "I always treat you more like a child" and apart from the odd verbal reminder I did behave myself and helped out making what I was to eat and doing chores such as setting the table or loading the car ready to go.
They are quite firm with me around that whole area of having to assume some responsibility and play an active if of necessity limited role which was a bit of culture shock at first but is helping me do a bit more and find some self discipline.
I found the time away did help me think past those issues that were on my mind, finding more joy in more fun child-like things which is in so many ways where I remain ever the adult but child while the walking helped with developing and maintaining better fitness not just physically but also mentally too.

A family affair

During this week when I'm preparing for going away in a few days time, there are a couple of things on my mind.
One is my Uncle who hasn't been well for a period with Alzheimer's but by December had got the point his partner felt they had little choice other than to place him on a trail basis in a care home simply because he needed round the clock supervision as he's forget if he'd taken tablets, time of day and tellingly couldn't put names to faces.
Indeed on at least a couple of occasions to my knowledge he'd gone missing, going toward a past 'home' with no realization it was no long the one he was at.
My relationship with him as with most males in my family was one of not feeling comfortable around which was no reflection on him personally but due to ahem 'other' experiences in childhood  so until my mid teens I'd pretty much hide from him whenever we were around.
Things are concerning at the moment for him being in Hospital with a major infection which is proving hard to treat and indeed they are unable to get a camera into him to look in his system.
Moreover he just seems to be lying in bed, not saying anything from tiredness not itself being aided by not eating any food for days.
It isn't shall we say looking good at all. 
Thursday February 1st was the day in which my Aunts funeral service was held locally and what she meant to me was written on the other blog. I have been walking and looking at her house not that it was comfortable but simply because I know  I'll never be heading to or entering into it as I remembered it and so I need to say a kind of farewell to that part of my life.
My Aunt's eulogy  read out by the Minister of the chapel she grew up in as a girl was really well put together showing how her Methodist upbringing had shaped how she lived her life, a life it has to be said made difficult by severe Asthma and the care and concern she had for others.
To be with her as I was  often in difficult situations in my messy family situations even past eighteen armed with a teddy and children's books feeling misunderstood  and in need of affection one felt this.
Her home, shared at the time with her parents was in so many was a second home, a refuge where my what now would seen as littles age regressed side was a place where they accepted developmentally disabled me as that caring and dealing with that adult but child was vital and from which older members of the community learned to understand and accept me as I am. They bought me simple child-like gifts such as annuals and selection boxes  finding by valuing me what I had to offer them because love is reflected by love. Always.
Among effects I was gifted a grey and white stuffie which is pretty apt given how I am rather than anything really groan up and that it was the first place I could just be this adult-child being accepted by her and her parents without judgment.

Thoughts from my desk

It's the weekend so I'm sat here working on today's entry after thinking over some of the weeks experiences.
I think the first thing is last weekend's written work showed I am capable of doing something I have  agreed to to a very good standard, being prepared to work with my conditions and the emotions that build up in me.
Another thing showed how not respecting how certain of my conditions are creates a situation where I feel very much out of things, unable to use those same abilities in what was on the face of it a less demanding task.
I have as some of you know from being with me severe problems with short-term memory, concentration and find noises very distressing and I was in the process of writing a Thank You card to a relative where I have people dashing all around me looking for things, shouting to each other without making it plain who it is they are speaking to, then trying to ask for information that isn't relevant at that point.
I can't hear myself think, I am struggling to remember what the sentence is even I'm trying to write, having to cross out one word as I got muddled up and what I did write wasn't what I wanted to convey even. I felt embarrassed to hand it over to the person who was going out to mail it even.
This was so unneeded and that kind of thing when I'm out at the check outs in stores paying for things and so on just gets to a point I just 'freeze over' and 'shut down'.
On the other hand where on Friday I found a micro sd card that contained sixty odd music albums that gone awl, where I the past I'd of been getting super anxious and stroppy I just calmly checked my back ups for the artists I had recordings by on the card, identified  them and got on with the job of ordering a replacement to put them all back on again maybe taking advantage of its bigger capacity to combine it with another.
In that way I'm getting at handling my conditions and how they affect me but you do to a greater extent than a good many others need to bear them in mind even if that other example is one that perhaps isn't fair to expect anyone to work around never mid  someone like me.

More thoughts on 'little'

There were a number of things I felt like posting around today, some which may have go to other spaces I share but you know what, I feel like putting it them here any how.
The first thing I'm gonna talk about is what we mean by being a little as this from time to time causes issues depending sometimes where folks arrived from and how wide your knowledge and involvement in that community is.
If anyone expect a single universal definition, sorry there's not one as some like to slice and dice everything up often to match a subcultures take.
My start point is it's about you as an individual first and foremost starting from how you see yourself as you navigate your way from upper juniors and through your teens to approaching what the law defines as 'adulthood'.
The majority of children going through what is called 'growing up' have what is best called an emotional  age that is within the average or norm for children within their year which means at a practical level they can both be educated broadly the same level while being able to play and socialize within that peer group feeling neither to young or too old as equals, free from inappropriate behaviour.
If that was you, you'd be content  being yourself, sharing the same interests as your peers but for anyone that isn't you start to find toward your mid teens your being left out, staying the same emotional age having no interest in maybe or even getting anything from what interests your peers.
In effect you are  in very real way emotionally much younger than your chronological years that brings with it both ostracization  and vulnerbilities that others are only too willing to exploit.
I first became aware of this  around the ages of nine and ten finding my peers had outgrown me with it increasing several fold by my mid teens to the point I had to be protected at school from unsolicited and misunderstood attention from my peers.
Had it of been in this decade, rather than trying to find things in the reference library I'd of no doubt of been looking stuff up online on various sites and that simply cos nothing was around in what was supposed to had been a safe space for me never mind having spaces I could just share the interests I did have.
I don't believe in the intervening years a mid to late teen child  who is that way is that much more different although the internet itself brings risks to your doorstop, something which is of real concern to those over 18 who find them 'reaching out'. In a very real way those teens need their own adult free space until they are of age and some solid professional guidance of the sort some of us back in the day didn't have.
Those of us who are over 18 obviously started from somewhere and instead of concerns about our school friends, it's more about employers, fellow students and what anyone you may be in a relationship with as to how much of that side of they can take as well as the adult sexual side.
How that little side comes out does vary and one point I want to get across here is unlike the image you may encounter online it is not and does not have to be all about diapers, sippy cups, all in one romper type suits and pacifers although if that's you, terrific and as those of ya who have actually seen me over here know, I don't mind in the slightest.
You can be dressy, tom boyish, play school if you like (it's fun, trust me!) spend the hours colouring, watching Sofia The First or play snap, whatever makes you feel comfortable really cos it's just that-being in emotionally comfortable space, free from groan up worries and concerns.
To me that's what we have and had as Littles even if you have moved into relationships where that's accepted and anything 'adult' is understood and consented to.
It's what makes being a little transcending of any other label regardless of if you're more ab/dl, dd/lg  or 'furry' centric.
 
 

Real Middle Thursday

Okay today is NOT Friday, that is true but there's reasons for why I'm posting this entry today one is that for the last few days I've been very much in Middle/Little space sometimes doing things like interactive 'play' with others, adding bits to imaginary adventures, playing more with dolls and plushies using my imagination to create stories in which they act out roles or just cuddling up for an hour or during the day in addition to sleeping with my Teddy, Theo.
Sometimes it can perverse but spending time around say websites around little life sometimes can take you out of it either because you get locked into more into the search than the exploration of personal little space or sometimes more grown up issues may seep into it pushing your way from that whole feel you came looking for.
There can be times when such things may not be helped when people who have differences that they feel the need to express, don't take that directly to those who need to hear them so bringing others down.
That's way I try to limit some of the time I spend online concentrating more on recreating that feeling that I find so beneficial to my life so my middle time is more 'real', real to me as experienced by me.
There is only so much you can do with a second hand experience as good as looking at others experiences and techniques can be and that takes me to the final reason for why this is being posted today.
That's because I'm going to a friends where I can be very much my Middle self having a real middle experience that'll add to my memory of them, something that you just can't get in virtual life.

Coping with change

This was an unexpected randomly thought out blog entry that came crashing to me this afternoon so do bear with any typos or quirkier than usual grammar.

 
So it's hardly a surprise we become accustomed to the idea that everything will remain 'just so' which to be honest is one thing I sure loved when I was younger, the whole certainty with its sense of well-being from repeating that pattern week after week.

 
Every so often though, something comes along and knocks it over. You feel lost if not numb and bewildered too as it seemed to going along so well.
It is okay to feel that way, sad things happen, we hurt and a good number of us are hurting right now. 

 
I can't speak for all of you but things often seem to go in cycles and my last lot of cycles have seen me  do different things, learn and improve on skills that I've struggled with, form new and more helpful friendships and understand more about myself and others too.

 
All those things can and are helping me deal with this because they've given not only ears to listen and understand how I may feel but also the strength to carry on when I just feel like lying there crying (and I know that feeling so well).

 
You know, those we miss so much would never of wanted us to stay like that forever and you might imagine this friendly nudge coming out urging you on, reminding you can start again, even if we find it hard.

 
Personally, I feel it's helpful to think about those things that I have reason to be thankful for over the years from the situations that just appeared from nowhere and to which I had no real plan for. 

 
Just thinking about it, my life has changed quite a lot in the last ten years for the better and much of that isn't down to some super medical recovery on my part but more because I've been working on dealing with more how it's handed out to me, making the most of it smiling even through some of the Meh moments.

 
It is easy to get into a cycle of beating yourself up when things aren't going to plan, thinking we are useless (been there and done it) or feeling guilty over things that maybe we didn't have that much of a say over but I'm going to try to get on with life the best I can from now on.

 
That's a much of lesson from my childhood that I can use today and maybe it's of some use to you.

Tiny dolly support workers

One thing I have always like and still enjoy is rag dolls of which I have a good number that live on my shelves that I use whenever I am feeling very anxious or otherwise stressed, holding, stroking or 'playing' with them both at home and at work where they do understand needs like this that I have in things such as meetings.
They help me stay calm and de-stress in such situations so in way they're little 'support workers' in my life.
It's a part of who I am.