Spring days on foot

Rough start to the weekend here with a major ptsd incident bright on by a bad combination of issues with the grump gaslighting me and news regaining a adult child that I'm a godparent to being in various and sickening crimes that they face the courts for.

Given some of things that happened to me as a child trust remains a major issue especially around grown ups as I spent time with an aunt yesterday talking stuff through.

Officially we're in spring now so it's a bit warmer again which helps when it comes to getting out as ice and walking don't mix with me at all.

 Sometimes you just come across things when you happen to be out aided no doubt for more tuned into nature, rather less on techno and groan up things and that is where this nice picture comes in as just happening to be passing thinking to myself "This looks good", quickly framing it up old school style with twin finger actions.

At a more technical level I did stretch the lens out to 114mm (in 35mm film terms) to fill the frame better and soften the background a little and corrected the colour in Roxio but otherwise it is 'as is'.
Just obscured by the tree, there is a very famous North Staffordshire landmark that is the home of a certain running event and playing a central place in establishment of the form of Methodist Christian teaching known as "Primitive Methodism" which shaped much of our region. 

May Day weekend thoughts

Monday was literally a damp squib because I had planned to go for quite a long walk out but we had showers thought the day so I only managed a short walk and even then I just avoided getting drenched by the skin of my teeth.
Instead I spent just over an hour cleaning records, yes those big round black things you put on your phonograph as couple of cherished discs had been bugging the heck out of me as no amount of cleaning with carbon brush could remove whatever it was that was causing it to get stuck at a couple of spots when playing which was very frustrating.
A few others had  static charge that attracted anything such as fur, dust or hair within seconds of coming out.
Thankfully all of that got dealt with as they've all come up as good as new having sat at a table doing it as the last time I tried doing it standing up I hurt my lower back.
I also been straightening up my bookshelves, doing a bit of an inventory so at least I know what I have which helps to avoid buying the same thing twice although there's nothing wrong with upgrading to better copy when it comes to older books.
Seeing we've entered May and summer won't be long, I've just got my summer comic special editions organized to land in the mail as soon as they're published part of a childhood ritual that inner kid me still loves.
We also had a royal baby!

Paired walking edition

As is becoming frequently an occurrence on my blogs, I'm beginning by saying this post isn't being posted either in Chrome when I use the Chromebook or Pale Moon like now when I'm using my old but trusty Dell Windows Laptop  in Firefox because the browser  Pale Moon has become so unstable I cannot work efficiently with it  and Google together with Tumblr are the most effected by its tendency to lock up and go unresponsive.
When I wrote this it had been the first time since being ill I had walked along the same route as I used to take going along country roads, passing commons, clearings and yes farms and that was just over a month ago on turned out to be a pleasant late summerish day with temperatures around 23 degrees and bright sunshine.
One could notice already the beginnings of the fall as a few groups of trees had started to move toward a reddish hue although not yet  the classic oxide orangey red colour with the crispness one sees during the fall.
It felt good to pause for several minutes reflecting on the beauty around you and indeed you are actually here to appreciate it after all that happened.
Another thing I did as I felt a bit better was to go through my sock draw.

When we buy socks, they come in  pairs like our legs which go in them but for some strange reason it doesn't take much to unpair them to the point you have several odd socks so I have been going through them all methodically checking and pairing them up.
The odd ones then can be checked by a pile of odd socks near the drier for any that do match.
It also is an opportunity to remove any worn or otherwise not fitting pairs of socks while I'm about for recycling as I have been going through some of my older clothes recently.

Coping with the winter

By the time I get around to posting this we *may* have snow thanks to a pressure system from Siberia, Russia according to forecasters so part of this week was taken up with taking precautions because I do take some tablets that I find help in managing my conditions so I needed to go into town to get them.
Although it is a bit controversial I do find Omega 3 typically found in fish oils helps in a couple of important ways with me the first being I find it helps my brain to be mentally sharper and less of a fuzzy haze than it is when I don't take them and the other being they do help control the side effects of my badly damaged tendons keeping inflammation lower without the issues I had with non-steroids anti inflammatories  like Voltarol which caused damage to my stomach lining.
So It kinda matters to get them in while I can.
As well, I am making progress in walking having managed Sunday morning to walk a good eighth of a mile more than could a few months back which is quite an improvement on how I have been a for good number of years and that despite a full cooked breakfast.
Weekend meals I think probably are bigger in terms of calories compared with those during the week so I may at some point need to look at how to size them down a fraction as I'm convinced  I honestly don't need the cooked breakfast and full evening meal on Sundays.
I stood still and  saw a Blue Tit land on  a branch very close to me which was really nice to see while out in brilliant orange glow of the Winter Sun even if it was just 1 degree C and so I was very well wrapped up with gloves and scarf on.

 Tuesday brought snow to this part of the Midlands so wrapped up well I did walk a bit cos a part of what I'm trying to do is to unlearn some of the 'bad' lessons from the past one of which is because I did hurt myself during the Winter snow season of allowing a fear of what happened to paralyze me from going out and to allow it to justify inactivity even I need to be active because it makes me feel alive and healthy.
Being outside really helps me.

Reflections from littles camp Winter 2018

In some respects this is a follow up to littles camp report  that I blogged on the main blog on Monday as while that covered more of the activities and events of littles camp this entry is really more around my personal, emotional reflections on that period.
A good a start as any is to look at my emotions which as you all know have been all over the place with the permanent loss of one relative and sadly the living loss of uncle who is sleeping further and further into the Alzheimer's fog, struggling to recognize a soul.
In some ways at least it takes me back to how I was when I was Thirteen around the time my Grandpa died when I was sent around to keep an eye on him although in truth I felt way way out of my depth struggling even then look after myself never mind being expected to make (relatively) mature decisions when neither of us could understand each other but everybody else was going through the charade pretending this was okay.
I know, we all know, losing a close relative is a loss, and you do grieve for them but this memory is associated with feeling helpless, inadequate even and it's that which has been on my mind.
For me, being away was necessary because I needed to have mental and emotional space to process these thoughts and to do things that made me feel happy and whole again so just being focused more on play being away from the environment where all this hangs around cloud style was a must.
It also helped that those who I entrusted about what was happening were supportive, showing love and concern without smothering me so while being supported I could breathe while sharing and taking turns helped reconnect me as I am very prone to just shutting down when feeling overwhelmed emotionally.
One thing unexpected that happened was because Camp this time was more laid back with less structured activity a few of us did feel not withstanding it was Winter to venture out of doors so we actually went on longish nature trails.
I found just being away from things, switching off to all other than the natural sounds,sights and smells helped  as we walked talked about various things although it was the case I did lose my footing and had to pulled up as my foot landed in mud and started to go sliding requiring my camera and shoes to cleaned !
We also encountered dogwalkers who actually were not phazed by seeing me in a dress and three-quarter socks along their travels and indeed one complemented me on my looks as friends with permission stroked the dogs!
While thinking a bit about where you might go makes sense avoiding extreme presentations, sometimes we set the bar in terms of what can be accepted higher than many are prepared to accept us as ourselves.
While out I also did some photography which usually helps relax me.
One thing I did talk about with member of the group who also has brain damage was how we do things, the things we do appear on the surface to cope with that leads others to think we don't have the needs we actually do.
This is something I do find a problem not least in trying to shop where staff are trying to upsell to you and make offers that I'm in no position to deal with leaving me in suspended animation and others seeing me struggle asking if you're okay because I haven't just frozen but have gone mute. I'd sooner have an official card I can show so I can treated more like a minor at the counter as my capacity in these situations is very much sub adult and in that respect I need 'protection'.
When I'm away I'm always 'looked after' in their words "I always treat you more like a child" and apart from the odd verbal reminder I did behave myself and helped out making what I was to eat and doing chores such as setting the table or loading the car ready to go.
They are quite firm with me around that whole area of having to assume some responsibility and play an active if of necessity limited role which was a bit of culture shock at first but is helping me do a bit more and find some self discipline.
I found the time away did help me think past those issues that were on my mind, finding more joy in more fun child-like things which is in so many ways where I remain ever the adult but child while the walking helped with developing and maintaining better fitness not just physically but also mentally too.

The interests of Jo

To me being this Junior does involve more than just recreating say school or just wearing tween fashions but the whole 'being' which includes having age relevant interests such as playing and hobbies which for me includes taking pictures, walking in the countryside and playing music including collecting recording by composers and artists.
I'd dearly love to be able to sow and make my own clothes but my physical disabilities get in the way of it.

Outdoor play and the middle

For me being in little or middle space as about the magic, the innocence of letting your Inner Child out in a natural way that involves play which be indoors or it may take an outdoor type exploring nearby woodland, switching off adult distractions taking in the wonder of what's there and its potential.
Often there are things that you may play with such as tree barks, dead branches, you may blow the seeds on an dandelion, watching them disperse in the wind. You may bring things with you such as a kite to fly or have a run about having fun with each other.
Grown ups may be with you, may have a overseeing role but that role is just about keeping you safe as that 'child' just as it always was in actual childhood, nothing more.