The perils of "Ill just look at that" and....

The "and just what do you think you are doing being up and using that computer at this early hour?" look as the door just opens having heard the sound of keys being pressed and the mouse being scrolled upon a silent background.

You just cannot under estimate the capacity you have to ensure you are in no fit state to get through the days chores, drifting off to sleep in the morning by just going with the concept of just following a topic of interest thinking I'll just look at this and get back sleep and find yourself four hours later still deep mining the topic with an hour and bit spare before its time to be up feeling half asleep.

It isn't even like the childhood of the past crime of reading under covers by torchlight where soon enough you'll run out of material, the internet is just like a rabbit warren you get deeper and deeper in.
 

Pushing away

As I'm typing this it's raining hard  from what I can make out of the gloom just showing through my bedroom window at this hour so whither or not I get outside remains to be seen although after another day where the politicians singularly failed yet again discussing and voting on trade options after the EU but NOT passing an actual withdraw agreement that EU Rules require before they can start negotiating trade outside of it with us.
It's hardly surprising then that a return to the constants in my life has been around in the last month or so across the board as much as because all that "groan up" stuff I've struggled with motivation. 

I have been spending more time out not just walking although I have been doing that too but also sat in the park, just focusing on what's around such as the various flowers that are starting to emerge from the winter, passing insects and birds and trying to keep my mind more more on what I need to do rather than being diverted toward those things that really I have little control over.
I have been doing a bit more reading, reading more of the kinds of stories I loved in original childhood with mysteries and adventures and connected with it spending a bit more time on a website for people who like that kind of fiction, talking with them.
Being in more of a child-like mindset makes for a big difference not least when as it was at the weekend Mother's day over here cos our relationship is still very much child to parent.
As well I have been around SN as tensions lead to toward issues in my emotions and breakdowns when it comes my behaviour that can be talked through as much as with someone like me spanking or at the very least a reminder of its likelihood really helps with it as I easily get into oppositional conduct striking out.
That sites recent changes seem to have reinvigorated it not just in having a software update but also when it comes to interaction with more discussion as well as 'fun' threads.

Role playing?

There are times when I do feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall  of one one them is when it is people insist this thing I write about is just a role play that I elect to play some of the time.
Now it isn't that there's anything wrong of itself with role playing someone who is younger although people do argue about how far and in what context it should be if that is what you feel (and clearly there is a need as it is being met commercially).
No, it's that for some of us it is more going back in your headspace so you are responding as if you were that child or for people like me that in reality a chunk of you is always in a child-like mode and that in effect you are an adult sized child.
Now interesting at a mainstream spanking site of all places there was a link placed to an online magazine that used a actual 1936 test for Emotional Age that people such as psychologists did use to assess the emotional maturity of people as distinct from going just by chronological age.
As it happened I did it which involved answering with a Yes or No a series of twenty-five questions based on certain scenarios, a marking scheme and a calculation to convert the marks to assessed Emotional Age.
The result I got from this was shockingly close to how I had assessed in my own head my my emotional age as I know to be very truthful I am 'immature' in certain respects and not able to function at an adult level.
The test score made me 11.3 years old.  I have maintained for a good number of years I was around  10 and not older than 12 simply because I never 'felt' older, able to carry what anyone older could and it was obvious even in childhood that was so.
Now let's go back to that assertion and again consider if I am 'age playing' here or not?
NO-what is going on is the handling by the standards more of my own era of a 'child' in effect -me- by adults who of necessity have to be parental, have to do things and set boundaries, reinforcing them strictly.
That's the goddam truth.

Getting things together.

Dashing out from the rain here.

The week has had its own challenges such as the weather so I have tried to use time to get things organized that I am more inclined to leave until later such as Christmas stuff, odd bits I may take to an upcoming littles event and that. I was always a big putter off sort.
The subject of ties and girls uniforms continues to interest me as some feel the tie is inherently masculine and doesn't suit the developing girl while others point it being in some adult female uniforms.
I feel it can look smart on girls (and women).
To me the bigger crime is in not wearing it well, rather like this illustration where it is very loose around the neck and tied in such a way it is going way beyond her waist whereas it really needs to be at waist height and tucked in.

 Yesterday marked the 60th Anniversary of the British children's tv program Blue Peter that was very much a part of my childhood and I watched the one hour special edition.
Continuing on a bit from last week I have made the decision to close my littles Google + account because it was seldom used  having little going on in the feed.
It was set up more at the bequest of a person no longer in my life who had a host of issues that lead to much stepping over boundaries such as attempt to have  exclusive access, going through manic cycles where they'd post really hurtful vile comments and in any event removed much of their posts including my replies.
As all are to be removed by August next year that one might as well go as there is nothing I want from it. 
I think the way I am just being more decisive and pro-active now has shown the fruit of having one to one tuition and being subject to very much junior discipline to retrain me to make better choices and be more assertive.

A week in the life of Jo

One thing I tend to talk about at various places is missing spoons because however I wrap the thing up, just living as me physically, mentally and psychologically takes a lot of out me as try to keep up with everybody else.
It's especially bad at times of the year like the one we're going through where it has bee unrelentingly hot, over 28 degrees  for over a week so hot you struggle to get to sleep at night and wake up with damp night clothes sticking to you as the sweat has been absorbed  by them, leaving you feeling clammy.
It's a reason why I needed to leave chat early last night as I was starting to feel too far gone and also dehydrated.
It's been an uphill struggle to get things done as you just lie there first thing feeling tired before you've even done a thing, never mind everyday stuff like fixing food, getting some exercise in to keep myself reasonable fit and loss a bit of weight and even read or colour so the fact I'm at least doing it is a sign of some self discipline being in me now.
I as sure as heck would not of a few years back.
 

Weekly reflection

 

This week as the weather has been  better for getting about so I've managed to get out and actually walk a bit further than normal getting close to what I was capable of several years back so that's been great this week.

It's so great to start to wake up to the dawn chorus now that it's getting a bit bit bright and for longer because it sounds so peaceful and when I'm out walking often I stop and listen out for them spotting them in the trees or just overhead near the fields.

Also the people who look after our Inland Waterway have been at work so I've been over there on my travels talking with them and other people about too.

It's strange but all of this actually leads to me feeling less stressed and from that much less likely to lash out at people when it just all becomes too much emotionally and when it comes to stimulation too which is a great help not just to me but Mom too.

As I'm typing this out today it's her day - what the natives here call "Mothering Sunday" - so I got her a card and present while I was in town late last week while I was out exchanging a gift voucher toward a present for my birthday.

I've also been thinking about my over 18 Tumblr and were I want to take it  so spent sometime while out thinking that through and am working on ensuring it is targeted in and around exactly what I want.

I think I'm doing good now. 

Just as this blog is about to go to press, it's been announced Professor Steven Hawking has died who like me is a quadraplegic.

He's been battling Motor Neurone disease since being diagnosed with it at university   being a electric wheelchair user but although he required considerable personal support, he went on to complete a lot of research into the Cosmos to acclaim from his peers and can be credited with helping to popularize science and break down the idea that disabled people cannot contribute to society.

He was an inspiration to me and countless others of our generation.

Coping with the winter

By the time I get around to posting this we *may* have snow thanks to a pressure system from Siberia, Russia according to forecasters so part of this week was taken up with taking precautions because I do take some tablets that I find help in managing my conditions so I needed to go into town to get them.
Although it is a bit controversial I do find Omega 3 typically found in fish oils helps in a couple of important ways with me the first being I find it helps my brain to be mentally sharper and less of a fuzzy haze than it is when I don't take them and the other being they do help control the side effects of my badly damaged tendons keeping inflammation lower without the issues I had with non-steroids anti inflammatories  like Voltarol which caused damage to my stomach lining.
So It kinda matters to get them in while I can.
As well, I am making progress in walking having managed Sunday morning to walk a good eighth of a mile more than could a few months back which is quite an improvement on how I have been a for good number of years and that despite a full cooked breakfast.
Weekend meals I think probably are bigger in terms of calories compared with those during the week so I may at some point need to look at how to size them down a fraction as I'm convinced  I honestly don't need the cooked breakfast and full evening meal on Sundays.
I stood still and  saw a Blue Tit land on  a branch very close to me which was really nice to see while out in brilliant orange glow of the Winter Sun even if it was just 1 degree C and so I was very well wrapped up with gloves and scarf on.

 Tuesday brought snow to this part of the Midlands so wrapped up well I did walk a bit cos a part of what I'm trying to do is to unlearn some of the 'bad' lessons from the past one of which is because I did hurt myself during the Winter snow season of allowing a fear of what happened to paralyze me from going out and to allow it to justify inactivity even I need to be active because it makes me feel alive and healthy.
Being outside really helps me.

Growing up Jo

The complimentary post to This  on the main blog.
One of the things I do struggle with is face to face interaction not least opening up a conversation with people cos I get so super nervous I just freeze over or not have the conversation I had intended in my head.
So it was actually pretty good I managed to start one with my second best friend this weekend talking to her about her life, her studying animation while listening and even making eye contact with is something I've had feedback on before now as I find that...so oppressive ordinarily.
Like I can recall this being brought up in a staff review looking at client interaction several years back in what was generally a excellent review as a potential barrier to communication.
I also found the work I have being doing over the last five weeks or so on putting together a PT routine for me paid of well but with unlike last time being able to get across the from the rail station to a bus interchange without getting out of breath propelling my wheeled suitcase and bags and also while i have difficulty with steps and uneven surfaces I was able to keep up with the group as we walked through woodland and canal tow paths for a good mile or so to where we were eating without breaking out into a deep sweat or struggling at the back.
That for me is really good going. 
The weekend went very well overall like  I mean no one found good reason to spank me which is reassuring cos it never was a role playing or sensual game thing with me and more to the point the people I'm with not least those in 'grown up' capacities to me  truly understand and ensure my my vulnerabilities are never taken advantage of. 
When that gap is what it is sometimes I do feel it was so much more easier when I was in my teens cos at least those very same issues and needs would be protected and moreover nobody would 'assume' I had a developmental level I don't whereas now they do because they are working with adult norms which just don't apply. So in a way I'm very fortunate they meet my needs and respect my limits, saying that to one made me tearful to tell you the truth.
I also did co-operate fully, helping out with preparing the evening meal two other guests consumed on the Friday and baking the sponge cake for the Party without a murmur of discontent even when I had to make another sponge as one of my haves didn't quite take in the oven.
Changing my attitudes around looking after my needs and also contributing, being expected  help out has not been easy given my past but with a lot of encourage to help and the preparedness of people to strictly discipline me over it, I am starting to develop more of a sense of self discipline to help me be more mature in that way even with the oh so real limitations in other respects.
I did great this weekend.

Attitude audit

Well, I'm going to be off in a couple of days time spending regressed time with others so I have tried super hard this time to get most of these posts written up ready.
Today's is a bit different in that it's about my social skills and attitudes which are more of an issue when I'm naturally with people rather than say on my own and how far I've come on.

Until I heard of the expression "self sabotage" from my second best friend some years back I was never real able to explain how it while I believed in the ideal inevitably I'd end up up just enough to scrap through at best and often set out on line that would result in doing worse than I can by not preparing properly, not making a plan and just allowing myself to be distracted from what it is wanted to do for something more enjoyable or less effort.
Part of this was the belief that because I struggle though my disabilities with things then I could only fail so why even bother especially when few people cared if did try.

This is one I'm pretty good at and do take shoes off or change to slippers when I visit people even though I wasn't raised at home to.

I'm pretty good at this, not being inclined to enter into gossip sharing sessions with people or otherwise dish things up to people.

 More often than not I'll go help somebody struggling but have struggled with the idea of helping as in contributing to something by giving my time and effort but is something that is being worked on.

You may of heard of yo-yo dieting  but I've tended to be yo-you over taking exercise from my mid teens onwards, never looking cool and always wanting to do things involving being still to the exclusion of anything physical.
It may not help having a physical disability but not undertaking exercise of any form make that worse for me. I have been exercising for about forty minutes to an hour in sessions after thinking more about its effects from clothes feeling a bit tight apart from I was struggling with walking even short distances which this does seem to be helping.

 Another not good at although I am currently eating banana's and apples daily preferring chocolate caramel bars.

This is one I have always struggled with generally because of issues in  our family history, what from my point of view I see as their reluctance when young to be actively involved in raising me, issues with them over gender identity, refusing to accept professional opinion when it came to disability diagnosis's, lack of support in my learning to the point of ignoring poor work and calls to attend meetings to discuss and so on.
One affect of this is I had developed a disrespect for adult authority, a switched offness  to any engagement and don't take advice well.

Generally I'm pretty good at being helpful, properly empathize more being left out deliberately by groups for gender or disability reasons

I'm pretty good over personal hygiene such as covering my nose when sneezing and washing my hands before eating and cooking even when after allowing myself to be distracted even if that adds to my being late.

We  should put an X through boy and replace by girl and usually I'm on the edge of talking back usually as a defense mechanism to brush them away lest they hurt me and my feelings which hasn't been helped in the past for seeing other people as having the same exact authority and non OVER me.
It also didn't help that those I was with believed in letting me try to have control OVER them as a way of coping with MY needs.

More often than not I do clean them, mind you with anything to hand such as screwdriver blades etc and always scrub them after handling anything they may of sank into.

 I'm usually pretty good over respecting other peoples space or property as a rule

For a long time I tended to switch from being a wall flower, feeling very awkward socially to doing something that was bound to grab attention even if it either put me in physical danger or  made other people unhappy or worried. I didn't care so long as you couldn't ignore me  and I feel that sense of being ignored rather encouraged it rather than being helped to have a role people could learn to value and perhaps I might value  what I could add too.

I've been generally bad over this tending to be caught up more in the moment being with someone or doing something I feel compelled to continue on with not helped by feeling at times that you should fit more around what I'm doing.

 As a former politician arguing for the sake of it was a stock in trade  even when in practical terms it made little difference and caused more issues than it solved.

I'm pretty good over borrowing you know. Like  returns stuff prompt looking after it super carefully

Still a difficult one as I tend to dump and run, never really making time to put things away in any real order and when people move them getting super annoyed with them soon moving to argument not being prepared to back down

I like to drink milk put the people I live with seem to think I prefer tea. I don't as it's just role playing an adult if ask for tea and I like cookies with me milk instead.

If anything my problem is less around taking more than I need to claim it for me so much as being a  poor and at times fussy eater with genuine restrictions on diet too with intolerances and allergies.

As having read this you can see there is much when comes my attitudes and that I do struggle with which is why rather late in the day I'm getting a lot more targeted  help at them as in many respects I really should of learned and moved on from many of these eons ago and why if I'm with you it helps if you try to hold me more to account so I do change and those that have become more second nature to me.

Thoughts from Summer LG Camp Dorm

Sometimes this blog is more in sequence with its parent middles/littles slice of life one and there times when it's not but this is the Dorm side of Summer Littles Camp 2017, the account of my six days away so is best read in conjunction with it.
One of things around the main event of that period is because we just pay for venue as 'self catering' everything that we need we have to organize and to large extent make ourselves unlike say staying a hotel complex which both keeps the price reasonable and gives total exclusive access to the building and very secluded grounds so we can for that period be ourselves with our partners, caregivers and others as littles very openly.
To that end we have a chore list to which everyone including one Joanne has to keep to unless there are truly mitigating circumstances why you cannot do your stint to help ensure everybody pulls their weight, so for example on two occasions I set up for a dinner and one evening meal although the fall I sustained from the Sports Day activity meant I didn't do the other of two allocated evening meal setting ups and set up for breakfast.
In twenty-seventeen then Jo did not just accept someone covering for her one missed chore, thanking them but made up what she did not do with no fuss or prompting.
Equally when as it was getting toward time for our midday meal during the second arts and crafts session, with people drifting away although I was in pain with my aching back, I stopped behind helping the organizer everything up tidy up.

Having been verbally thanked for helping with that being told I was a good girl for being prepared to do this, I was presented with a stick on badge (pictured) for it.
In a similar vein I helped with the unloading, collecting together when we left  and unloading on return of the many things including sports equipment that made Sports Day possible for the person who looked  after me..
My attitudes and behaviour with them was very good  which can be shown by thinks like helping in making our meal on arrival, washing up, satisfactory setting a table when we arrived and I was tired and in discomfort including making the soft drinks for when they returned with our fish and chips.
I only needed a few brisk hand spankings for inattentiveness without good reason over my underwear just to sharpen me up the odd time which is extremely good as attitude and behaviour goes.
The Jo in twenty-seventeen is different from back in twenty-fourteen, that I think is the thing that is most apparent because that what I turned an deaf ear to whilst expecting to be told to help is becoming more the one who offers or even just does things without being asked.
It is because people have cared enough to reset what they expect from me that is within my abilities as painfully obviously limited as they are to much higher standards and to hold firm to them. It also has a lot to do with their preparedness to take me in my very child-like but adult form and spank me without fail when I fell short, letting myself and them down because it has made big improvement  since they started that and I feel more proud what I am becoming because it.

Jo pulls out the stops

One area I have always struggled with is staying focused or even being a single focused spot as I tend very much to be overwhelmed when it comes to stimulation and sensual input so tend to oscillate  around ideas so the tight circular focus  I might  need  becomes at least more oval shaped.
This at least when it comes to getting things done is never a good thing with me especially when it's been very warm as it was for part of last week with a greater risk of me me running low on spoons and wasting the spoons I have to get things done  by not going with the greater needs first.
I think it speaks volumes for how in the last few years I have come on since I recognized I had certain life skills issues that I needed outside help with, their preparedness to be really firm with me and your support too that for all of that and I felt rough for a chunk of last week, I did stay on top of everything that actually mattered and didn't lash out at people.
I'm just sorry I drifted off to sleep during chat.

Thank you.

Getting along the right way

I'm pleased the week went well, not least for my mentors delight I did really well this week and not even needing to be reminded about my behaviour when with friends which goes to show what with proper guidance I can do.

Although it was embarrassing to have to admit to it, explaining my addiction to the internet felt like a weight was lifted of my shoulders and I was helped to tackle it by having my netbook stored way from me overnight to ensure I do get my sleep.

Like, a lot of these things go back and sometimes into the present around how you see you and how you fit in with it.

You might have been encouraged along a line of thinking that said the World and how it treats You is unfair, which it can be, but you're to man the barricades fighting it, refusing to accept the world as it is in any way shape or form.

You make no attempt to co-operate with it's representatives preferring to make demands for Your rights no matter what effect it may have on others and how they may feel about that list of demands.

Because you're different, well you should have different rules and if you dare question it toss an extra helping of guilt in.

Sure that's an farsided paraphrasing but it's one I'm familiar with knowing people like that and yes I was the same for a very long time but that isn't allowed to cut it anymore with me.

You know, we see the warnings about the dangers of sugary drinks and snacks, corroding your teeth but that rich syrupy My Rights alone stuff does the same to your ability to take your place in the World and your backbone.

It sets you on a collusion course with everyone and every organization you meet where you would have been better encouraged to work with people, accepting yourself and your abilities and that sensible adjustments apart the world just isn't fair. You can't try out for the fire service in a wheelchair although there's no reason you can't for the control room instead.

That's not the same as saying real injustices ought not to be protested, that actual discrimination isn't wrong and people may not handle you quite right requiring something to be said, it's just there are more effective ways of doing it.

As well, most people are decent and fair minded so an appeal on those grounds often is more effective than adopting a confrontational pose.

Following on a bit from last weeks entry it wasn't just the heady rich syrupy My Rights that worked it's way through corroding your backbone and making it hard to slot in the World as it is, there was something else too.

An enabler.

From the least expected place it came along saying you and you alone were special and entitled to demand a better deal than your peers.

You could have different rules in effect because they would refuse to accept the idea you'd be treated the same as others on the basis of either you couldn't help it or your life is hard enough as it is, taking that to any authority figure, another parent, group leader or school jumping up and down screaming about the injustice of it.

Or maybe you'd encounter some group or other that would encourage you in doing just that.

The strange thing was while I thought at the time I was entitled to refuse to be treated like any other kid, when as did happened those people just plowed on treating me the same to the point of also just going ahead and spanking me regardless, I did feel it did me more good and I did manage to behave myself better around them.

Somethings can have a dual purpose which no doubt has a lot to do with their acceptance in domestically delivered discipline.

It often goes through my hair, keeping it straight, knot free and even having a soft massaging feel.

On the other side, that has been used on me to deliver firm memorable spankings that are changing some long term destructive patterns of behaviour not before time.

Chore for Jo?, oh come on!

 Much of this it has to be said isn't what I'm doing now and never did as an actual child at all being pretty much waited on by parental choice and that says a lot about where all this business between me getting alongside other people and their expectations is going wrong.
I have opt outs and cards to play to put a stop to chores but it's doing me no good.
That's why I think I could use some real parenting.

Uniform inspections for Jo?

We may only be about a fortnight from my birthday but the difference between me and most people isn't getting any narrower, quite the opposite actually.

I do feel there's something to be said for putting me in a full uniform on a daily basis and inspecting it, rewarding when I do a good job in presenting myself properly and adminstering a suitable punishment when I fail to.
Part of my problem in life is I don't care enough about things, I lack self respect not even checking myself in mirror so something like that might help train me up.

Obedience is a virtue

There shouldn't be a reason I shouldn't be taken to girls events by women who really understand I was never destined to be a boy and who are prepared to help me move to where I belong.

All I have to do is what they say.

Obedience to them is being taught across a bare bottom to me.

Over and done with

There's all manner of ideas that go through your head one you've had a history of denial both by yourself but especially by others in your life who had a significant part in such as mothers, aunts and female cousins.

You may feel you lost time being you to their denials to be yourself at times that really mattered in your life whenever you had birthdays, entering teenagehood exploring more presenting and practising your make up plus playing a role in family weddings.

You didn't have the chance to try on anything that required a bit more care putting on and co-ordinating as you only had tiny spots always in dread of the unexpected return so everything that pull of pretty much.

This is more what I really wanted: Time with an Aunt or step mother who would work with me on presenting, getting me into pretty soft dresses and matching frilly lingerie so I looked and felt the part - the part I am called up to be as the sissy I am.

Nothing ridiculous, nothing inappropriate, but a very feminine look that worked for me and for you to take me out dressed as such, learning appropriate etiquette, enjoying the experience.