2018 review

Usually I write a bit of a review on this blog where I look at the year and where things look like they're going but I'm not so sure about that because of the recent changes at Tumblr  where I've spent a lot of my time appealing false nsfw flags and even falsely flagging an entire Tumblr.
It may be that one might go or even ultimately both do rather like in April Googles failed social media experiment, Google + goes for good and that does reduce significantly the target audience for this blog.
Something that looks set to stay is little space as in spending time expressly as a little in time spent with friends although we're set to test drive a new venue nearer to me soon because outside of all the other  stuff with me, politics around Brexit have driven me to limit so time switched off from it is a must.
It's something that oddly enough this Christmas I spoke with my younger brother with explaining why it was I had one present and which suprisingly he agreed and said that's why he models and makes things from kits and that. 
It seems for a variety of different reasons there are a good number of people taking a step out of adult concerns and instead playing even it has a 'adult disguise'.
I even looked very much little while with him saying what I did!
Something else something I don't talk about every week here and can no longer even hint at on Tumblr was part of reason this blog exists and why until things kicked off on Tumblr, there was a brief mention of is that spanking is a part of my life and a part of how of that was connected with April's  death of Susan it came back in.
That was because as I explained in last years post on her death, it was something we both talked in very open, frank, way about long before I met some of people who have been part of my life since  and some of those who accepting my need to be spanked as a little in a non sexual parental way have without fail met that need.
I am grateful for being spanked and for the first times since high school being caned for helping me realize where I was making mistakes and certainly teaching me lessons I badly needed.

One thing is for sure in 2019 being spanked and caned is very much a certainty for me because it is having the desired effect on me apart from making me feel very much that child subject to adult authority.
In that way despite personal losses, I have come on underlining why this whole combination of age regression incorporating era specific corporal punishment is so good for me.

Paying ones respects

Part of last week was taken up with getting ready for and attending Susan's funeral  which will what today's entry is about
I set out around Midday Wednesday to travel by train to my and her friends in South Staffordshire from the North of the County because Susan had lived for a considerable period in the far South East of England which would be 460 square miles round trip and take a considerable amount of time to get to.
Thus the arrangement was going to involve  having a cooked meal and stopping over night because we'd need to set out just after 6AM  to deal both with the traffic around Birmingham in our region plus that around Greater London/Surrey/Kent which even around Mid Morning is very high to be sure of getting to our first stop.
We played some music including a couple of Beatles cds I'd brought with me as they  had grown up with them on record but no longer had them before going to bed early which is pretty much when my normal bedtime is as at times poorly disabled adult-child.
We got up and dressed very much in black with in my instance deciding to wear a wine coloured sweater in a colour Susan often wore with it before fixing some breakfast ready for off packing a coat in case it was needed and in my instance some oatmeal bars and fruit juice she I need something before being able to pull into a motorway service station that part from selling gasoline, has shops, a cafe and toilets.
As two immediate family members of mine are diabetics, I take the importance of regular meal breaks pretty seriously. Sensing a migraine (travel plus flashing light/sun can trigger it) coming on I immediately took my tablets as they help.
Traffic from Oxfordshire onwards was heavy so we stopped off along the M25 London Orbital Motorway to buy a few things and use the conveniences before continuing in view of the Surrey North Downs where I had been resident for a period actually before we arrived at our first stop a very important town in the history of the Norman Conquest with a splendid Abbey.
Our first task was to get a wreath to the undertaker (the person who deals with the deceased's body) before they closed and the body would make its precession to the Crematorium which we did. We also met her carer who had some mementos before going to the Bluebell Cafe for a a pot of tea served in the finest Staffordshire pottery and found the place the wake (reception for family and friends of the deceased) was for later on.
We then walked about a mile to the rail station to pick up three friends and with another who was staying locally then drove to yet another famous town in the Norman Conquest on the coast where the Crematorium was and where the traffic along the 'A' Road which is the main link to London was pretty bad as it was also in the middle of the town itself.
Indeed it was that bad one of our friends travelling independently only just got there in time!
We assembled in one of the reception rooms waiting for our slot before  we stood at the side of the drive way where the black long car, the 'hearse' , followed by a car with Susan's parents who are elderly and frail in it before we moved relatives first to the chapel for the service to begin.
At Susan's request, the song Parisienne  Walkway by Gary Moore and Phil Lynott was played at the start followed by the eulogies from a Butcher to whom I'd certainly heard about in her life who know her as a man working and socializing together, her parents and then from my friend.
Because some people only would of know her as a man while the service very much referred to her in her transitioned gender and name, for those who were not aware of it reference to her former (male) name was also made.
Drawing them together, they illustrated her wit, intellect, ability to quickly learn, the contributions she'd made in peoples lives as well as her more 'I'm right, you're wrong  and I'll say what I think' side which she had (and acknowledged herself).
There was a reading of the William Wordsworth poem "I wandered lonely as a Cloud" which we learnt was one Susan  had learned from her mother.
The service concluded with another of her music choices Queen's Another One Bites the Dust before we travelled back to her town for the 'wake' which was held in a social club she'd spent much time in over the years.
A spread was laid on so given the weather had held up to the point I'd left my coat in the car, we took our drinks to an outside balcony area with tables together with food and sit in the fresh air talking where we were joined by her Aunt and Uncle and her carer who spent time talking with us about who we were and about our part in Susan's life.
By early evening it was cooling down so we moved to the bar area where tracks were being played in memory of her on the jukebox such as Rubber Bullets famous within our group for an attempt to play a playlist from computer but refusing to play anything but that much to her amusement as from her point of view 'Techno-faff' as she called it, had failed!
We also spotted on the club wall she'd won the club Snooker championship one year as well as learning a bit more of the club games she played such as chess.
By that point all goodbyes being said to her friends,family and amongst our own, we departed for the long trip home which had us arrive with one brief stop around 10:15 PM and quickly having salad before bed time.
It says a lot about me that where as normally I'd of been up anytime from about half five to half six normally I wasn't down Friday morning until eight because not just emotionally but physically I was shattered as glad as I was to have been  able to attend.
We did talk about the service and about her life as we had some breakfast before travelling by car to Bilston Street Island parking lot and walking to the rail station to catch my train (and bus) home.
It was difficult, as I remarked to one of our group, had I of had mascara on my eyes would of been pandafied as I was tearful travelling down rubbing them but I do feel this will help in both dealing with the grief and in generally moving on in my life which was influenced by hers so much.

Closing the chapter week

I guess the first thing I wish to do is to thank everyone who either left comments  on the blog or at certain sites regarding last weeks entry cos I wasn't in truth sure how to write something that payed homage to my friend that also acknowledged those differences between us.
I have been in touch with that common friend since.
Things are slowly working there way through which these things do with the date for the cremation being fixed and so at an emotional level I've been tying up as many loose ends as possible to help that whole process of moving on.
I have been continuing on with my exercise even with the heavy rain and as at this weekend heavy intermittent showers, pausing as I felt the need to reflect on past events and let those emotions out rather than holding them in as I have in the past.
Just being in the open air, looking at the fields, watching the lambs going 'Baa' while the birds twitter overhead and the horses are also out dashing toward the fence as you look on all is helping reset me.
It's certainly more settling than current international relations are I can tell you.
I'm also working on a pet project that despite one  false start should prove useful for me as time goes on.

A family affair

During this week when I'm preparing for going away in a few days time, there are a couple of things on my mind.
One is my Uncle who hasn't been well for a period with Alzheimer's but by December had got the point his partner felt they had little choice other than to place him on a trail basis in a care home simply because he needed round the clock supervision as he's forget if he'd taken tablets, time of day and tellingly couldn't put names to faces.
Indeed on at least a couple of occasions to my knowledge he'd gone missing, going toward a past 'home' with no realization it was no long the one he was at.
My relationship with him as with most males in my family was one of not feeling comfortable around which was no reflection on him personally but due to ahem 'other' experiences in childhood  so until my mid teens I'd pretty much hide from him whenever we were around.
Things are concerning at the moment for him being in Hospital with a major infection which is proving hard to treat and indeed they are unable to get a camera into him to look in his system.
Moreover he just seems to be lying in bed, not saying anything from tiredness not itself being aided by not eating any food for days.
It isn't shall we say looking good at all. 
Thursday February 1st was the day in which my Aunts funeral service was held locally and what she meant to me was written on the other blog. I have been walking and looking at her house not that it was comfortable but simply because I know  I'll never be heading to or entering into it as I remembered it and so I need to say a kind of farewell to that part of my life.
My Aunt's eulogy  read out by the Minister of the chapel she grew up in as a girl was really well put together showing how her Methodist upbringing had shaped how she lived her life, a life it has to be said made difficult by severe Asthma and the care and concern she had for others.
To be with her as I was  often in difficult situations in my messy family situations even past eighteen armed with a teddy and children's books feeling misunderstood  and in need of affection one felt this.
Her home, shared at the time with her parents was in so many was a second home, a refuge where my what now would seen as littles age regressed side was a place where they accepted developmentally disabled me as that caring and dealing with that adult but child was vital and from which older members of the community learned to understand and accept me as I am. They bought me simple child-like gifts such as annuals and selection boxes  finding by valuing me what I had to offer them because love is reflected by love. Always.
Among effects I was gifted a grey and white stuffie which is pretty apt given how I am rather than anything really groan up and that it was the first place I could just be this adult-child being accepted by her and her parents without judgment.