Totality of indentity (a kind of essay)

After last week's entry which seemed to flow better than I anticipated, I sat down thinking a bit about about the follow up.

Some people write research papers, lecture and even publish lengthy books about things like Identity in all it's different forms and I purposely say forms because we're all different and from my point of view you can see it  as a Venn diagram  with it's overlapping elements.

For some people what can lead to an exploration of their own persona  can be a person they have a close nurturing relationship with in childhood or for some even into adulthood although for me it was more that I had that already but without the space to be me.

No doubt if I had the  space I'd been more like her as whenever I draw myself that was it and 'drawing in class' brought some of this stuff back to me recently and the crazy but true happening that upon seeing the  white frilly socks, Mommy bought me a pair and  a lolipop I could suck in her presence no less!

We cannot ignore something that a few people feel uncomfortable about which is I'm less "girl in a boys body" but in reality a sissy who has been like this from childhood and who wanted very much to dress in a uber feminine way with no wish to be actual girl.

 Part of identity for me certainly includes an interest in ideas, people and what one could call the arts being brought up where we belonged to a book club, went to the theatre and thanks to the record club had from an early age records of favourite ballet and other classical music.

I still have a number of the books in a bookshelf.

That was one and funny enough I could say the minute I saw the cover that I had it when I was younger as the smaller ones were a special offer you got and many were 'gifted' my way.
Another one I bought used when I was around 13 from a Country Fair was this

That rather formal portrait is of the late conductor Herbert von Karajan and this record was from 1954 in a performance I'd never really forgotten being played on my stereo phonograph even though the record was mono and I was able to get a cd with this on it a short while back.

For reasons best known to themselves my folks got me war toys but in time learned to buy me more girls stuffies and let me have artificial flowers in my bedroom.

Personally I wanted dollies to dress up and play with - ideally with girls - as I felt better that way but there you go 

One of the great things about this life is the extent to which you can rediscover play, feeling free to play more on the notion of what it is you'd rather be doing rather than any gender based restrictions by parents, play groups or schools that for some of us were issues at the time.

For me it helps deal with certain more specific to me issues such as my learning disabilities that can and does make deal with adult responsibilities very frustrating when you struggle with the means because I can focus more around things I can do, enjoying them. 

And so being disabled too for me is also a big part of my identity (I'm not with one, I has one in my whole being) too having had it from birth.

So this identity thing is pretty important for us personally although I don't feel people should put up rigid barriers between themselves  based purely upon that, focusing more on what we have in common.

Comics of my youth

We read these comics whenever it rained in our junior school and we were unable to play as they were kept in a big cardboard box and shared at recess.

Here's another long gone we read:

That one's more of a boys comic but it didn't matter that much when you couldn't play out back then.

Up and ready

It is definitely the case with me I am not the earliest of people when it comes to getting up in morning having been asleep overnight.

Sometimes it can be issues around my ability to get to sleep and not read or use a computer in bed that's the problem - something I share with today's children - and sometimes it is because I tire easily and so wake up lacking much of the energy.

Additional things with me include waking up with powerful migraines and vertigo so I may feel sick.

Caring for me includes helping me with all of this.

With your help I may be ready to go in the dorm.

Reading up on the past

One of my stronger memories of my official childhood is reading, not that I was what you might call a good reader but we did have a fair number of books in the house and stored in a big wooden toy box were some of mine, usually those my Mom thought I'd outgrown.
A good example of which is this one which was really a book for seven to ten year olds that stayed in that box well into my mid teens.

It's a series of two short stories of a group of young children called Benji, Jack and Jane plus dog who have to move together with their parents and their adventures through play with other children and grown ups.
Its very innocence, the clear lessons shown about appropriate behaviour such as owning up if you do something and clear consequences for wrong doing are woven into a fun set of adventures.
It was really that I before I knew the terms I was looking for even in my mid teens as what I now know as regression was even then a part of what made me different than most of my peers not least in my own mind I WAS that younger child.
 It was why I kept the books and puppets from that era.

Recollections of the past

The age old question many of us were asked and knew the likely response to

Top Cat

One of my childhood favourite tv shows was Top Cat being heavily influenced by Sgt Bilko with a lot of stuff under the cute sharply observed characters of Benny the Ball, TC himself the gang leader, Choo Choo, Rains and co always scheming in trouble with Officer Dibble.

The action was always centred around the red Police phone box that Top Cat would use lacking any other means, often being caught in the act by Dibble.
TC and the gang could easily run rings around him!!!

Fur footed sissy edition

I've been a bit busy with the tumblr this week and as  I type, I'm still very much at it so I thought I'd pull away from that and get around to this weeks entry.

I did mention about having some things at Christmas  like some furry boots for indoors when it gets a bit cold 
They're not to be honest big in support like a traditional plimsoll type usually is which is what I was brought up with but they are as warm as toast once on you.

The bigger thing really is dealing with my sissy feelings which I've struggled with over the years not really seeing myself as a girl or young women and really it is time I really embraced how I see me, wearing short dresses with ra-ra skirts and lacy sleeves and socks

I just feel I have to me somehow not how either my folks or any online groups want me to be.

The changes around early December on it will be staying for the foreseeable feature as I don't see things returning to how they were and subsequent events have shown I have no desire having moved on to even act upon it.