As you may of noticed I was actually away last week and on the other blog I did publish an account of that time in something like chronological order which is more the how and the what part of this thing.
It's usually the thing on this blog to look more at what I felt about that time and what if anything I had learnt from that time away cos apart from ouchie content, this blog is about the emotional side of life.
One thing to talk about is unlearning the Cotton Wool people misguidedly put you in as a disabled child because they feel you need more protection but the trouble is that leaves you not to learn how to survive and to actually grow which requires a certain amount of resistance not unlike in working out you start off low increasing as you become stronger.
You do need risk and being challenged even accepting your limitations so you learn to work at the almost extent of your abilities, getting the most out of life and actually maturing a little, learning to deal with say climbing over rock, walking carefully sideways to get along ledges is something I had to learn rather than run away from this week.
Same goes with dealing with winds even if needed support, I had to learn to accept and trust that rather than chickening out or screaming my head off when the going got tough, finding courage and inner strength.
I've been there and done that and I dare say I'm not alone in it but I need to be better because such an set of attitudes limits my own enjoyment of life with the actual disabilities I've got so I need to use and develop my abilities too.
I know I made one miscalculation in that week but I lived going out of my comfort zone and did stuff I never managed before which didn't just feel good to me but also impressed others not by droning on about my disabilities but actually using the abilities I have.
Ditto helping out whenever I could doing chores to make a contribution to other peoples enjoyment and getting the feeling of being a net contributor to everyone's enjoyment of our time together rather than just using people to meet my own needs.
I think I'm moving on.
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It has been a damp start to the week here back at the Dorm which if you're about and on foot as I was bringing bread and that back from the stores you'd soon notice and in a way that connects to this post and a previous one Gender Spaces. on the other blog.
Sometimes it seems to me, a good few decades of life on earth on somehow we get ourselves lost for all the very best reasons conflicting two things.
Whatever we may feel people should be able to decide fits into their own idea of gender roles, there is much to be said for spending time with the parent of the same gender because it enables them to share with you their own experiences, such as what being a girl is about because actually they've lived it and so have valuable lessons.
No amount of equality training can replace that.
It is the most natural instinct in any society for you as a child to emulate the parent of the same gender as yourself and to spend time with them and for girls that can mean making or buying similar outfits. Most of us actually enjoyed this before the gender studies people came along and said we shouldn't do this.
Strangely enough at six or seven we do want to be a gender!
We get things wrong when we start to object to the idea a girl shouldn't be expected to learn about cooking and instead elevate the physical and academic over it not because she shouldn't learn these things too but because we fail to ensure boys are also taught and expected to help out in the home too.
Because we don't, we try to protect her by ensuring she can't be taken advantage of by saying it's not her role. The problem is we all need to this for ourselves and that includes her as well as her male siblings and so teaching nobody doesn't help. Cooking is a skill boys need too.
As many a student can recall, next to paying for food, getting the laundry done efficiently matters if everybody isn't to be suffering from stale smelling clothes so there is nothing wrong with showing your daughter how to and even having her help as some of it is bound to be hers.
The problem here is because we're so hung up about sexism and roles we start to say she shouldn't be cos it's sexist. What is sexist is not having her brother do the same, carrying some domestic 'weight' in the household and she needs to see females insisting on it.
To me in trying to fight sexism and the notion it's a females role to run the household exclusively we seem to have devalued that which just needs doing without tackling the core issue:
Putting contributing to the smooth running of the household into core responsibility of boys and men.
When you aren't as able as most, you are more dependent on other people for things or completing them which isn't just an irritant that can cause you to lash out in frustration in itself but also a cause of tension between you.
What isn't said I think needs to be is inevitably it does alter the relating dynamic by virtue they have what you need and can't do that they can use as lever and equally you may feel you have leverage because they're your means of getting something done so it is easy to form an abusive relating pattern.
But it's not just that it's also how that person slots into the role helping you realize the idea you had that can become a point of contention too.
Speaking as a person whose always been disabled, our normal expectation is in discussing it with someone, they work with us to do it the way we wish unless that's not possible in which instance we'd expect them to talk though other suggestions reaching agreement on the way forward.
What can happen though is the person runs with what they feel is what you need, taking control not just of the help but also of the very idea itself imposing their ideas in place of yours then threatening to walk off leaving with an uncompleted job if you even question such attitude as the one looking for help.
It's as if at that point you just became invisible no longer permitted to have any say about some things in your lives and that easily leads to tensions that others soon pick up on.
I think if you spot this early on you need to bring this up as it can easily cause issues.
