Let's end slurs

Some matters came up while away, some things more internal so best not mentioned others raised eyebrows with me.

On the one hand we've been through a period where everybody has been expected to be more inclusive, supporting an array of LGBTQA+ people, supporting women and girls faced with misogyny and discrimination which broadly speaking is a good thing.

Yet in some groups the casual use of slurs and outmoded stereotypical assumptions and attitudes prevail even now. 

It is regrettably the case some sissies see being female as being weak, to be less than a male with more than a shade of that playground retort "Soppy Girls" with the exception for some reason of dominants while to me to be feminine isn't to be weaker, just different.

What I had noticed was the tendency of some adult little girls to talk of "Ikky Boys" with a tone of disgust again as if to be a boy was a bad thing to be  and if anyone perhaps had to come to an event dressed as we used to say on the UK Angels forum in "Bob Mode" then the first thing two or three would say is "What's an ikky boy doing here?"

One openly remarked during a point in her life she was struggling that remark really hurt her to the point she was for leaving.

Another just said "It's only banter" and "nothing was meant by it" but do we know how any of these remarks are seen and feel to that individual?

If you glad to be out of "Bob Mode" as often as you can why do you feel the need to denigrate males especially when having not transitioned you are yourself?

Why can't all of us cut out this silly playground language and that all once and for all and stop denigrating others calling boys boys and girls, girls without anything in front of it.

We can't be truly inclusive when we appear to have issues with each other.

Closing the door

I'm a bit annoyed this week when just remarking on the Grok controversy that a.n.other had posted in an "off topic" thread as it applied to adults whose images were manipulated in sexual ways or children depicted sexually you're told they agree with some of your observations, they are concerned about the themes you spoke (very briefly) of and that you're told to keep things sweet and little girl like.

Sorry, but all isn't sweetness and light some of us were abused as children sexually and given the many issues we've had from people seeing us as "debbie downers", liars and much worse expecting to go crawl under a rock and never mention either what happened or that it can being told in effect mentioning something pertinent to our experience of being LG can't even be referenced (we're not talking graphic detail just saying it happens).

We live with the effects every day and in our LG lives, a person who I won't name needed to taken outside by me and told in no uncertain terms just going behind you and grabbing  you is deeply traumatic and they were to never, ever do it again at a meet up just underscores and and wishing away the idea some of us like sadly some actually children are living with this grates.

Shutting people out was a textbook emotional response for me for many many years and I guess it can be justified as a means of preventing others actions from hurting your inner feelings.

It seems a lot easier than dealing with their drama or give them another chance to hurt you even more. I do that sometimes when I get tired of the drama or I know they are gonna say something hurtful I just cut off the relationship cold and walk away. 

 
The trouble was it drifted into shutting people out to prevent any possible hurt learning to deal with relationships.

I've had it with being silenced.

Convictions and the elephant in the room

Well last week had a lot of polly ticks of the hypothetical apples to oranges, what if stuff going on  which I decided to tune right out of of the sort I could in the Sixth of written a decent essay pulling apart the basis of.

When I was "on fire" then I'd be hitting the B's to A minus's on the grades preferring to make a case for one point of view than trying to create some "approved" consensus that never really came down on one side.

I really disliked the stillness of those official positions with a lack of real passion and vim so it was little wonder I liked people like Margaret Thatcher and Tony Benn back then cos they knew what they believed in and made their points accordingly.

I'm more for being being how you feel and expressing, certainly within polite boundaries, just how you feel about things.

I can't fake my emotions.

It's one thing to be with people in certain contexts such as family events where that event has nothing directly to do with how you feel about certain people and events and what matters more is having respect for the person you all are joining.

It's really quite another where it seems people suggest that groups sit in judgement of others, assessing their contributions, what and why they are truly there, who feel it is quite in order to volunteer a person who has been so unwell they have had to take medication and go bed for physically demanding chores upon just getting up to eat with a struggle some food on the basis they haven't done much?

And it isn't even their place to???

But then if you were to make a point of ensuring they did know so that no one could say "how was I to know, I don't read minds" then all you get is "you know all you talk about is you and your needs" and so it goes.

Something most autistic people get all the time as if it all comes back to us and our being a problem for them and yet at no one point did anyone who had authority ever call you over for a "bit of a chat" and seem happy with you.

So who or what is the problem???

The stuff that comes back

The last week was interesting with all the egg consumed by the end of the weekend where at another site I admitted to a rather anti authority period when the magic of just entering ones teens coincided with the apex of one of the most controversial bands career that just swept you away with that whole two finger up salute to the system, railing against anyone and everything when not spitting a lot

It's not moving from fairly compliant ten and eleven years to feisty, gobby teens isn't unknown just the short term intensity of it as you revolved around different expectations that you didn't feel and have no interest in.

To me it might as well of been like being left in another country to fathom out what the hell I was really meant to be doing and it still feels foreign to me to be honest.

I just lick an ice cream now.
 

Dealing with those times we've messed up

In what has been a cool week I have been think a little about  how we deal with those times we are not being our best and have caused some offence or other.
It would be easy - and I've done it - to just ignore it as if really it didn't matter in the slightest and anyway don't we all make mistakes?
The thing is, it's less about us and rather more about the impact of our actions on others plus in time even that catches up with us when we are not able to get what we normally would of expected because of what we have done.
It's better to try to deal with it instead.

 

It's better to begin by acknowledging the need to express our regret over the behaviour or attitudes we showed and clearly show we accept responsibility alone for the wrong we did.

As good as those two things are they are insufficient because we have hurt others and so we need to it right - restitution - consider what we could do and do it.

People may want to say "It's okay" but actually telling us that isn't helpful because it WAS NOT okay     so they should enable us to make that step perhaps saying "Yes I'd like you to do that".

After doing that we need to tell them we will try not to do that again and ask for their forgiveness.

 It is a sad fact many of us struggle with this and others don't seem willing to help us through it.

Until next week, bye.

What we need today

In a week that has seen much that has a major impact on us such as the political meltdown over "Brexit" in parliament and not least the Christchurch massacre on Friday that cost the lives of 49 innocents at prayer I think outside of our concerns and prayers we need to refocus on what is right in the world.

 SOURCE:ami-lkshake
This is also important if like me you are dealing with having to complete a form that is very negative in how it focuses  in the way you are impacted by your conditions because it leaves you feeling not just tired from doing it, but also with a very negative depressing view of your life.
We need to remember that life goes on, that we are human with the ability to feel and help others who are upset or ill.
We came into this world with an innocent heart that enjoyed the simple pleasures of life and even now those things can help us cope with what life throws at us  in time helping us to heal what is on our minds.
Even when we are are not well, to focus on those things helps our day.

Laziness

 

Today as I write this ready for publication I am taking advantage of LilJennies being away meaning Sunday's Furry Story time isn't happening this week to get on with some work.
One thing I think is worth talking over again is what we call Laziness as it effects us and the people we live and work replete with the struggles  in overcoming it.

It's a good idea to know what it is we are talking about here and the OED definition is "the quality of being unwilling to work or use energy; idleness" which suggests this isn't a physiological thing such that arise from low self-esteem or depression but more an attitude to avoid or do the least work possible.

I think it's important both as the person who is exhibiting the behaviour and also for the one who is helping you with it to know the difference between "can't" and won't".

Some start points for a won't is the belief that it is someone elses responsibility  to undertake a task such as organize an event we wish to participate in or having notice that say a person has left some litter that we shug our shoulders as if to say "I don't do it, why should I clean this up?" when we are capable of doing it and keeping the area tidy is everybody's responsibility.

For some this began and ended by end of childhood and yet we see it go on around us. Still others of us have to truthfully say we are a part of this because we tend to be lazy perhaps because nobody would dare call us out over it.

I know when I was having major issues around this and procrastination things go to the point that I had a mentor who was able to see revisiting this more from the angle of a childhood hang over  and we agreed to resort to spanking without exception me because anything that worked on verbal reasoning got fogged over and totally misunderstood.

It took several goes to get this burned into my critical faculties - that there were painful consequences  before I started to offer or act first  as a matter of course which has lead the odd lapse aside to considerable improvements in my attitudes and behaviours so for me spanking did help with it.

An area that is associated with is feeling tired that may not be laziness per se but coming more from feeling tired and so not included to want to help because we did not manage our own health issues by taking medication, getting in necessary sleep and maintaining general well being.

I know I've had issues with cutting out sleep for cyber life at night before now so I just lacked energy to do what I needed to do for me and any agreed chores and apart from scoldings I have had lines and spankings for.

Unless you've gone through this, you have no idea how you mess up your own life often for the least important things just for a obsession of that moment you couldn't leave alone.
That's why I think it's well worth revisiting this topic today.

Recovering thoughts

If I appear to be a bit behind or generally washed out it's because for the last week and a bit I have been seriously unwell, the likes of which I haven't been for a long time and in some respects the closest to death itself even so I'm kinda playing catch up even if if I need to rest more.
I'll probably know a bit more after I've been for another blood pressure test as while being treated for the other, they spotted it was high which of itself is nothing new as it's always been that way.
I mean five years ago, we went through a whole battery of tests including 24 hour monitoring and concluded there wasn't much that really could be done and I kind of expect something similar by way of an outcome.
When it comes to the other it's going to just taking things slow as I recover and without a shadow of a doubt spending more of my time in and centred on this littler time for being not just more restful but also engaging in those more positive experiences from then as I learn to adapt.
To be honest, it seems to me the more time flies the more I'm handing back chunks of what passed for adulthood not that I could fully use it and that being presumed to be didn't create more  complications in exchange for being (and being treated as) a child in effect.
Frankly there are times when I'd sooner sign a waiver for society to treat me like that across the board as that's what I can better cope with and is so much less stressful for me and would be more straightforward for most folk too as they'd know what to doing and that much better.

Preparing for Summer and Too Much Yelling Going On

After last weeks messy entry, I was determined to write about something a bit more pleasanter and more about what this blog was really what this blog was for although it can and does sometimes act as a place to vent my emotions.
I've been working on things connected with going away next month such as the quiz I put on, devising the questions, getting the prizes organized as if I do a quiz then good prizes are a must between going out for daily walks.
As well I have been checking over my wardrobe and fixing any last minute replacements as it's easy to ignore that pin prick hole in a t shirt or whole just where you toe pushed through in your shorter more summery socks.
I was thinking a bit about an issue the other day.
Connected with a bit of my past, while rightly we are concerned about physical abuse of children and vulnerable adults, it's not by any means the only form of abuse going and I rather suspect the kind of person why may at one point 'crossed the line' with physical chastisement  is now doing with verbal chastisement.

Because a physical mark isn't left doesn't mean an injury hasn't been caused and this was a pretty good, easy to understand poster making the point which believe me can cause major problems to those prone to sensory overload.
Too much shouting just makes them fearful and critically causes them to switch off so they message for all that shouting isn't communicated effectively. 

Weekly reflection

 

This week as the weather has been  better for getting about so I've managed to get out and actually walk a bit further than normal getting close to what I was capable of several years back so that's been great this week.

It's so great to start to wake up to the dawn chorus now that it's getting a bit bit bright and for longer because it sounds so peaceful and when I'm out walking often I stop and listen out for them spotting them in the trees or just overhead near the fields.

Also the people who look after our Inland Waterway have been at work so I've been over there on my travels talking with them and other people about too.

It's strange but all of this actually leads to me feeling less stressed and from that much less likely to lash out at people when it just all becomes too much emotionally and when it comes to stimulation too which is a great help not just to me but Mom too.

As I'm typing this out today it's her day - what the natives here call "Mothering Sunday" - so I got her a card and present while I was in town late last week while I was out exchanging a gift voucher toward a present for my birthday.

I've also been thinking about my over 18 Tumblr and were I want to take it  so spent sometime while out thinking that through and am working on ensuring it is targeted in and around exactly what I want.

I think I'm doing good now. 

Just as this blog is about to go to press, it's been announced Professor Steven Hawking has died who like me is a quadraplegic.

He's been battling Motor Neurone disease since being diagnosed with it at university   being a electric wheelchair user but although he required considerable personal support, he went on to complete a lot of research into the Cosmos to acclaim from his peers and can be credited with helping to popularize science and break down the idea that disabled people cannot contribute to society.

He was an inspiration to me and countless others of our generation.

Coping with the weather part II and stuff

We begin this weeks entry where we left off last week with the challenges of the extreme weather we had and how that effects me.

 The weather took a turn for the worst on Thursday when an awful lot more snow came down and indeed the overnight temperatures went below minus 11 degrees C which is is 'brass monkey weather' was my mate pictured here could tell you.
The snowfall was such that I couldn't get out on foot with ice trapped underneath and many of our roads were subject to restrictions too compounded by issues on the neighbouring motorway network.
I didn't get out until the Saturday but then have had to rest my left leg since for a couple of days as in an attempt to deliver some items in in very icy conditions I strained leg muscles and badly hurt my lower leg bones making it very painful to put any weight on it.
Yesterday was a ahem special day which given the challenges I faced and was able to master seems more deserved than ever although with the weather somethings like cards were a day or two delayed arriving just in the nick of time. 
I've also been working on the 'other' Tumblr removing those who just want to live through the idea of a spanked me rather than people who are more interested around age regression, past childhoods and cute stuff even if from time to time I may get spanked.
By co-incidence my BFF was doing something similar with hers with both of us remarking when it comes to blogging and reblogging images of it it gets really quite tedious so she's posting just the things she likes posting as like me she's more than just a spanked girl.
The thing is there's been less than 2% of posts even relating to spanking on that Tumblr of mine and that for me there's nothing sexual or kink in it but their own accounts very much are and I'd rather people followed because they were interested in me as a person and are prepared to support spanking me where it's necessary to train me to do better.

 That's the thing, we're appreciative of what people are doing to help turn us around as adult but child people with the needs and issues we have using such means because it's make a difference for the good for us but we're not your entertainment.

Tenth anniversary issue - the how and why

Actually in two days time it will be the Tenth Anniversary of this blog and so we may as well start by revisiting what it is about as sometimes people get that wrong because it was established to be about my needs, my issues with my behaviours and attitudes and how I'm getting better now.

It's the beginning of a New Year  that follows on from the last so naturally I'll be in the course of the year writing about how I'm feeling and how my behaviour is shaping up but it's a good start to the year to consider what a important part of my regressed life is about.
It's to match my developmental needs to a way of training me to do more for myself, to learn and apply societal norms as much as they may need to consider and sometimes adjust to better accommodate those things I cannot alter.
This involves being given one on one guidance and tuition on everyday life skills so learn how to do perform tasks and from then on assume greater responsibility for meeting them and where it involves working with people accepting and working with their oversight with them having the final say.
Because of my tendency to be lost in the moment oblivious to risks, to have difficulty in crossing busy roads safely and communication based issues I accept other people have to assume certain responsibilities in caring roles with me.
Part of that is as the adult-child being cared for involves the use of spanking to deliver clear consequences where agreed breaches of attitudes and behaviours occur.
Within that relationship the following general rules apply to the carer in looking after me
1. Give Affection at Least at a Rate of 10 to 1. 
As the adult-child, I have emotional needs such as to feel loved, wanted and cared for and to feel that from you as much as need you to spank me sometimes.
2. Never Spank a Adult-Child in Public. 
The act of disciplining is a private one between you and me that needs no extra public humiliation adding even if some of our friends know I am and I'm okay with that.
3. Never Use Excess Force.
The spanking I need needs itself to be proportional to what I have done, sufficient to deter me from that offence that I knew would bring it.
4. All Spanking Offenses Must Be Made Known in Advance, Carved in Stone, and Fully Understood.
It's important to know which of  those things that I do will result in a spanking, that there is consistency in your handling them and I have shown I understand the consequences of my actions.
If the going is tough, make eye contact with me. Say "Listen to me" "If you do x, I will spank you" and once it is clear I have understood that if I still do, then do it for me.
5. Be Truthful and Consistent, It Could Save a Life.
A relationship where you care and from that discipline me needs me to feel I can trust you and you will treat me in a fair consistent manner because those actions my keep me from dangers I am unaware of be they life threatening or likely to result in injury.

The 2017 review

It is the custom on my blogs to write a review of sorts around how my life has been over the last twelve months or so and Joanne's Dorm is no exception where we gather trends and notable episodes and here they are usually connected to my behaviour, attitude and disciplining.
I think the start point should be that the blog itself has like all of my blogs this year had a bit of a make over because they all go back a good number of years where the layouts were compromised by what blogger offered when it came to its templates so this has been bright more into line now with the others using easier to find Page elements the amount of static information shown  has been kept down and so on because the family of blogs gives you the whole picture while each specializes on key areas.
The second is that the title reflects the wider scope of this blog which is it has more thoughts and reflections by and about me and my life in it so while there is narrative it is more informative and I hope more entertaining.
It isn't a spanking blog but a blog that covers spanking in my life so my life, my emotions and feelings which do feed into situations where spanking is how I'm disciplined is covered rather more than it did.
One thing I have been talking rather more about this year is how my disabilities effect me, the stress and frustrations I feel and how that can and does effect my interactions with others in part because just writing about such things as feeling your needs are ignored in the political debate and how the changes to government social programs affect and influence my responses.
Although this Christmas preparation just gone has had its messy moments like my brother forgetting to pick up our presents from an aunt he'd expressly gone to get, a whole lot of 'cat herding' and his unannounced arrival yesterday that delayed our meal by over an hour (the activity around pans doesn't drop any hints with him!) that had a knock on effect all day, I had managed to avoid snapping and kicking off.
As well I have been engaged a bit more with my health walking weather permitting to improve my breathing, physical fitness, losing some weight  and switching off more enjoying being at one with nature, being in the moment.
Another has been how the support  over the years is helping to change some of my more immature responses to situations to one where I do take more responsibility not just for myself but also for others by doing things for everyone from helping more at littles camp to actively taking a part in preparing and cooking what we are eating.
Moving to being a passive consumer of others contributions to making a contribution.
Much of this is because there was been a gradual shift in the relationship ground rules such as being expected  to contribute, to be engaged with whatever is going on and more over they have shifted to a very much child-like handling model that has me doing chores and being told explicitly what to do.
That same shift also includes being scolded on the spot before being spanked with no exceptions whenever I breach those understandings about my role and conduct with those people I interact with.
It has helped me no end this year to have my bared bottom spanked by hand, slipper and tawse sometimes a few times one after the other to instill better discipline in me as it has help prevent repeats since making me think more about how those things affect others as well as me.
I honestly needed swift consequences and fortunately in 2017 people were prepared to be very firm to help me grow up.

"This is what you need"

When you aren't as able as most, you are more dependent on other people for things or completing them which isn't just an irritant that can cause you to lash out in frustration in itself but also a cause of tension between you.
What isn't said I think needs to be is inevitably it does alter the relating dynamic by virtue they have what you need and can't do that they can use as lever and equally you may feel you have leverage because they're your means of getting something done so it is easy to form an abusive relating pattern.
But it's not just that it's also how that person slots into the role helping you realize the idea you had that can become a point of contention too.
Speaking as a person whose always been disabled, our normal expectation is in discussing it with someone, they work with us to do it the way we wish unless that's not possible in which instance we'd expect them to talk though other suggestions reaching agreement on the way forward.
What can happen though is the person runs with what they feel is what you need, taking control not just of the help but also of the very idea itself imposing their ideas in place of yours  then threatening to walk off leaving with an uncompleted job if you even question such attitude as the one looking for help.
It's as if at that point you just became invisible no longer permitted to have any say about some things in your lives and that easily leads to tensions that others soon pick up on.
I think if you spot this early on you need to bring this up as it can easily cause issues.

End of Summer review

Last post of August here on the Dorm blog so I'm feeling more reflective  which is what most of this blog will be plus things to do with with this last week.

First off I have been taking stock of my large music and video based collection, pruning it of duplicates and of things like box sets that you might only watch once in seven years and for the reminder of the time they just sit around gathering dust.
While its true compared to their older forms such as VHS tape or Eight track tapes they are slimmer it still doesn't a lot before it gets into sizable piles growing ever skyward! There is a limit to just how many of these things you can keep.
In general outside of the one computer incident, my general behaviour and attitudes have been pretty good although between next doors antics and Grumpy's carrying ones there's been enough provocation to set me off going by my past which shows I am maturing.
If I'm getting to the point of risky attitudes and the like, then I need a spanking to pull me back and I'd sooner that happens.
My BFF has been away and will be returning by the time she reads this as she messaged me Sunday during a gap which is nice but I'm glad in a way that she's not messaging me all the time she's away because it's important for her as it is for me to learn to switch off, spend time with those that care for her while they're away and enjoy the time at the places they go.
Of course I miss her, truthfully I can think few people in my life I ever missed not being around to spend time with because she's taught a lot about life, is a person I care for deeply and has taught me things about myself even but in odd sort of way we have grown up together and are growing up as adult middles living the same sort of life.
That way of life leads me to talk about a blog that's generally not listed at middle/little places that goes back to a period where most of my interaction was at forums very much centred at adults interested in music plus the arts and gender identity topics and that was my spot to talk off forum with them.
As time has gone on the dividing line between where those interests stem from and my middle/little side have not so much blurred as it's obvious there's not a totally separate age regressed side of me, just degrees of so much so what's on it would not of been out of place in anything I'd of discussed between the ages of say 12 and 14 so in many ways it's  more a Middles blog.
That's why that blog, daytime office girl crisis has been retitled That Boarding School Girl cos it is in truth her Journal, what I'd of published then and in the same headspace now I do.
It brings to fruition my long cherished aim of the unification of my blogs each with their own focus but from the common middle/little core which know openly acknowledged.

Random reflections

Hmm I'm kind of late with this cos I was feeling muzzy Monday and generally I tend to write this blog in real time from the feelings and emotions as experienced at that moment and I'm only a bit better today so kinda bear with me.
I was watching Tuesday morning the studio ghibi anime movie - anime isn't just like 20 odd minute episodes in a series animation from Japan, it has a full length form too - "The Tale of the Princess Kaguya" when a series of thoughts rather struck me of one is the sad and unpleasant  things are mixed in with the joyful pleasant ones in your one life.
Like you can't pick and chose them from whatever life you lead regardless of whither or not you actively sought  those and so imperfection is actual normal and is best expected in your life however much you may quite rightly strive toward more of the happy enjoyable things for you and those you care about.
Another was that sometimes what it is you what you do attracts attention that negates from what it is you yourself get from it and that people only want you for what they themselves get from you or in effect live through you.
I have seen this sometimes through how people attempt to put  age regression into boxes that either imply it something it just isn't or unwanted attention of a sexual kind. Sometimes more  to do with what being transgendered is with some to show you with friendship if you go their own way with what it means and pull back suggesting you're not meeting their idea of what presenting means.
Because I may not tick some peoples preferred boxes and labels pretty much refusing to go their way preferring to be honest to myself you can feel alone but I'd sooner that than feeling a hollow little faker.
I'm the kind of girl who keeps her own ball up in the air on her terms and nobody elses.

Wednesdays musings

To be honest while the next edition of the main blog is written and ready to go, I'm actually a little behind on writing this one but there is a bit of story to that.
I was feeling a little grouchy yesterday which people at one site may of noticed, nothing big and and bad but low level but out there which may of been connected thinking about some past events plus the Daylight saving Time that over here we've just entered that messes my body clock up.
You see, I'm really more a mornings girl, off out of bed with bounce, getting things done but starting to feel run down by afternoon, happier with my earlier than most legal adults with early fixed bedtimes.
I feel sad when I see dark mornings, setting me off with the wrong sort of attitude- it's hard to explain but it really bothers me - and I think that's what kicked all that off.

 By the end of last nights littles chat I was feeling more playful and fun just in time for bed so at last I end up between the sheets next to Theodore the IInd  on a high ready for a good nights sleep.
I was talk to a person the other day about  where and what this littles/middles life slots in with me which is funny cos it's just been me being me but to me it's my natural relaxed state, laying across a bed, maybe reading clutching a teddy  surrounded by my dolls and that. Carefree.
Until next time, Jo.

Tension

One contributor to how you are feeling and by extension how you may behave  under it's influence is the other things that are going on in your world and an increasing area I find is in the online world.
On social media in particular, groups fragment periodically with the segmented part starting a battle in part to justify to whoever is listening  just why they split off and to blacken the name of the very group not so long ago they were proud to be a member of.
You see people who for medical/disability based reasons unable to withstand endless negative and aggressive discourse actively pouring oil on the fires who fail to see after just saying why the don't like interaction with one group, make accusations often baseless just to enjoy watching the fireworks.
I find this not just troubling from how it has left certain communities feeling just interacting with anyone is just like walking on eggshells but also I find it spills over into me feeling disheartened about being the age regressed person I am and times seeping into feeling on edge with people.
That's one reason sometimes I limit the amount of time I'm on and make a point of doing things more positive like reading an uplifting story instead.

Unexpected gifts

Monday, it had to be said was different not least for being my birthday the bulk of which is written about elsewhere really but in a number of ways, one totally unpredictably this does seem on reflection to have felt different.
Generally birthdays and me are not particularly grown up affairs both from the way in which I approach them with a very child-like sense of anticipation and excitement, the sort that keeps you awake   and also from the point that what I get in the way of presents is also more child-like to the point this year of including a girls  colouring book. We go out but it feels more like taking a child out for its birthday treat minus the balloons and pink icing cake, overseen by parents cos we're not nor never have been exactly equals.
The initiated know the issues within the immediate family, not least my treated as not a relativeness by my younger brother and indeed when he came at a time totally of his choosing and for a matter of minutes although he was last here only  just under three months ago being totally ignored as usual.
The other thing was my older brother came, who hadn't been since November last so if you work that out meant both we'd not seen him for Christmas AND his Christmas gifts (and his to us) hadn't been exchanged!
Well, he'd been invited to lunch and was supposed to have arrived around Eleven but had turned up at half Ten instead with just myself in the house thinking "crumbs what are going to talk about" as unfortunately he's the type of male that talks work and technical stuff that frankly bores the pants off me.
Anyway he comes in and it's obvious from the get go he wants to talk and I really mean talk as if it's been bottled up inside of him for like ages so I sit opposite him, listening more or less three parts to every one contribution, remembering to keep some eye contact.
It's obvious he's the adult here from how he addresses me, more like a teen in the room in many ways reminiscent of how things were when he lived with us as he had authority over me (and my younger brother) when they were not in and he leaps into a conversation that was in part quite a revelation and actually a conversation about in the wider sense, discipline.
He opens the topic with an apology for mentioning it  but starts an ensconced discussion of my brothers attitude to both people in general, to being a part of a family and to how I am treated, parts of which I am familiar with what he at length eloquently described as his  childish lack of maturity-going to sulks for several weeks, refusing to help when people need it, preferring to make kits all weekend instead, looking for arguments with anybody who doesn't just meet his wants and so on. He says it's because he's not grown up.
He pauses, talking to me about what I think about that and how I would deal with such  situations as if he actually cares about my attitudes and behaviour almost like sticking a thermometer in to take a reading as he resumes.
Then he drops a bombshell that part explained part of a visit late last year by my younger brother and his partner where redacting the substance, my younger brother had really lambasted her on a well known social media site and this had gone back and forth with increasing anger and bitterness in full public view with him mentioned.
He asks me what I think of this, he tells me how upset and angry about it he was that he intervened insisting they stopped and removed it all before telephoning each scolding them especially my younger brother, making him apologize not just to him but to his partner making it plain the consequences if either of them do it again.

He repeats that bit three times to me.
I say in quirky humorous way "That's very Big Brother" and he just laughs as he realizes something.
He's reconnected to a more tween-like me as an authority figure who isn't afraid to discipline having set out what he expects and most people do.
The most unexpected gift of all turns out to be the return of him and his fair minded firmness in my life, the one who would say NO to Jo and did spank me growing up.
This is one awesome present.

Cussing

Sometimes topics come up worthy of exploration and one is connected with swearing which is fairly common.
It's easy to make the argument against casual everyday use of cuss words, that they do cause offence, are  inappropriate in front of children tend to lead to lazy, poor styles of communication that are neither professional nor fit for use in polite society.
In my life it's an automatic spanking offence after one sharp warning.
The question arises though lets say you are being scolded or spanked and you go something like "s**t!" or use the 'f' word should that result in extra spanking because you did as your caregiver/mentor/disciplinarian was doing that?
My views are no because you are just uttering them as part of your method of handling the  situation you are in and they are involuntary responses rather like if you were tidying up and something were to land on you. Most of us would even under our breathe as it were.
I feel it's a different matter if it was at the point of being summoned or part of a long back chatting though the session liberally coated with cuss words where you are clearly and purposely disrespecting them.