Thoughts on being away

As you may of noticed I was actually away last week and on the other blog  I did publish an account of that time in something like chronological order which is more the how and the what part of this thing.
It's usually the thing on this blog to look more at what I felt about that time and what if anything I had learnt from that time away cos apart from ouchie content, this blog is about the emotional side of life.

 One thing to talk about is unlearning the Cotton Wool  people misguidedly put you in as a disabled child because they feel you need more protection but the trouble is that leaves you not to learn how to survive and to actually grow which requires a certain amount of resistance not unlike in working out you start off low increasing as you become stronger.

You do need risk and being challenged even accepting your limitations so you learn to work at the almost extent of your abilities, getting the most out of life and actually maturing a little, learning to deal with say climbing over rock, walking carefully sideways to get along ledges is something I had to learn rather than run away from this week.

Same goes with dealing with winds even if needed support, I had to learn to accept and trust that rather than chickening out or screaming my head off when the going got tough, finding courage and inner strength.

I've been there and done that and I dare say I'm not alone in it but I need to be better because such an set of attitudes limits my own enjoyment of life with the actual disabilities I've got so I need to use and develop my abilities too.

I know I made one miscalculation in that week but I lived going out of my comfort zone and did stuff I never managed before which didn't just feel good to me but also impressed others not by droning on about my disabilities but actually using the abilities I have.

Ditto helping out whenever I could doing chores to make a contribution to other peoples enjoyment and getting the feeling of being a net contributor to everyone's enjoyment of our time together rather than just using people to meet my own needs.

I think I'm moving on.

n

Value added edition

I was reminded a few days a ago that what you might just casually assume we'd all go with isn't always so when told of the tale of a disabled person on a community weekend shopping trip who demanded it return in time for her other pre-arranged event when people were asked how long they wished to be out for, expected to be dropped off by the door and even run home while the others were still out.
Fortunately those in charge had some gumption and refused to let her dictate to others how long on a collective outing they all should be. 
Sometimes people may ask well what sorts of ideas do I subscribe to.

I'm easy going, preferring to reach agreement but will not stand for emotional manipulation or the idea that 'special rights' on grounds of gender, disability or sexuality trump anyone elses.
It isn't necessary to agree a person's point of view but to respect that is theirs and so should be heard.
When faced behind following cold logic or humanity in a situation, put humanity first as its stall of values underpin all others.
Also at SN a number of us while looking at the origin of spanking in our lives talked in outline about our own experiences of it in our schooling which with me is directly relevant as it is a run on of that.  

The 2017 review

It is the custom on my blogs to write a review of sorts around how my life has been over the last twelve months or so and Joanne's Dorm is no exception where we gather trends and notable episodes and here they are usually connected to my behaviour, attitude and disciplining.
I think the start point should be that the blog itself has like all of my blogs this year had a bit of a make over because they all go back a good number of years where the layouts were compromised by what blogger offered when it came to its templates so this has been bright more into line now with the others using easier to find Page elements the amount of static information shown  has been kept down and so on because the family of blogs gives you the whole picture while each specializes on key areas.
The second is that the title reflects the wider scope of this blog which is it has more thoughts and reflections by and about me and my life in it so while there is narrative it is more informative and I hope more entertaining.
It isn't a spanking blog but a blog that covers spanking in my life so my life, my emotions and feelings which do feed into situations where spanking is how I'm disciplined is covered rather more than it did.
One thing I have been talking rather more about this year is how my disabilities effect me, the stress and frustrations I feel and how that can and does effect my interactions with others in part because just writing about such things as feeling your needs are ignored in the political debate and how the changes to government social programs affect and influence my responses.
Although this Christmas preparation just gone has had its messy moments like my brother forgetting to pick up our presents from an aunt he'd expressly gone to get, a whole lot of 'cat herding' and his unannounced arrival yesterday that delayed our meal by over an hour (the activity around pans doesn't drop any hints with him!) that had a knock on effect all day, I had managed to avoid snapping and kicking off.
As well I have been engaged a bit more with my health walking weather permitting to improve my breathing, physical fitness, losing some weight  and switching off more enjoying being at one with nature, being in the moment.
Another has been how the support  over the years is helping to change some of my more immature responses to situations to one where I do take more responsibility not just for myself but also for others by doing things for everyone from helping more at littles camp to actively taking a part in preparing and cooking what we are eating.
Moving to being a passive consumer of others contributions to making a contribution.
Much of this is because there was been a gradual shift in the relationship ground rules such as being expected  to contribute, to be engaged with whatever is going on and more over they have shifted to a very much child-like handling model that has me doing chores and being told explicitly what to do.
That same shift also includes being scolded on the spot before being spanked with no exceptions whenever I breach those understandings about my role and conduct with those people I interact with.
It has helped me no end this year to have my bared bottom spanked by hand, slipper and tawse sometimes a few times one after the other to instill better discipline in me as it has help prevent repeats since making me think more about how those things affect others as well as me.
I honestly needed swift consequences and fortunately in 2017 people were prepared to be very firm to help me grow up.

Establishing a mature independent you...

I recently saw this which was originally published by the artist Kittycouch in April that I thought summarized so well what trying to be a mature independently minded person with your own boundaries but also respecting other peoples ideas and ones is about.
I just thought in a week that saw some drama in one Age Regression community and also at the spanking needs site this is something that's needed as everything within it applies and it is I aspire to in handling differences which is  a part of the everyday normal things between people.
We're all a bit different.

Growing up Jo

The complimentary post to This  on the main blog.
One of the things I do struggle with is face to face interaction not least opening up a conversation with people cos I get so super nervous I just freeze over or not have the conversation I had intended in my head.
So it was actually pretty good I managed to start one with my second best friend this weekend talking to her about her life, her studying animation while listening and even making eye contact with is something I've had feedback on before now as I find that...so oppressive ordinarily.
Like I can recall this being brought up in a staff review looking at client interaction several years back in what was generally a excellent review as a potential barrier to communication.
I also found the work I have being doing over the last five weeks or so on putting together a PT routine for me paid of well but with unlike last time being able to get across the from the rail station to a bus interchange without getting out of breath propelling my wheeled suitcase and bags and also while i have difficulty with steps and uneven surfaces I was able to keep up with the group as we walked through woodland and canal tow paths for a good mile or so to where we were eating without breaking out into a deep sweat or struggling at the back.
That for me is really good going. 
The weekend went very well overall like  I mean no one found good reason to spank me which is reassuring cos it never was a role playing or sensual game thing with me and more to the point the people I'm with not least those in 'grown up' capacities to me  truly understand and ensure my my vulnerabilities are never taken advantage of. 
When that gap is what it is sometimes I do feel it was so much more easier when I was in my teens cos at least those very same issues and needs would be protected and moreover nobody would 'assume' I had a developmental level I don't whereas now they do because they are working with adult norms which just don't apply. So in a way I'm very fortunate they meet my needs and respect my limits, saying that to one made me tearful to tell you the truth.
I also did co-operate fully, helping out with preparing the evening meal two other guests consumed on the Friday and baking the sponge cake for the Party without a murmur of discontent even when I had to make another sponge as one of my haves didn't quite take in the oven.
Changing my attitudes around looking after my needs and also contributing, being expected  help out has not been easy given my past but with a lot of encourage to help and the preparedness of people to strictly discipline me over it, I am starting to develop more of a sense of self discipline to help me be more mature in that way even with the oh so real limitations in other respects.
I did great this weekend.

Thoughts from Summer LG Camp Dorm

Sometimes this blog is more in sequence with its parent middles/littles slice of life one and there times when it's not but this is the Dorm side of Summer Littles Camp 2017, the account of my six days away so is best read in conjunction with it.
One of things around the main event of that period is because we just pay for venue as 'self catering' everything that we need we have to organize and to large extent make ourselves unlike say staying a hotel complex which both keeps the price reasonable and gives total exclusive access to the building and very secluded grounds so we can for that period be ourselves with our partners, caregivers and others as littles very openly.
To that end we have a chore list to which everyone including one Joanne has to keep to unless there are truly mitigating circumstances why you cannot do your stint to help ensure everybody pulls their weight, so for example on two occasions I set up for a dinner and one evening meal although the fall I sustained from the Sports Day activity meant I didn't do the other of two allocated evening meal setting ups and set up for breakfast.
In twenty-seventeen then Jo did not just accept someone covering for her one missed chore, thanking them but made up what she did not do with no fuss or prompting.
Equally when as it was getting toward time for our midday meal during the second arts and crafts session, with people drifting away although I was in pain with my aching back, I stopped behind helping the organizer everything up tidy up.

Having been verbally thanked for helping with that being told I was a good girl for being prepared to do this, I was presented with a stick on badge (pictured) for it.
In a similar vein I helped with the unloading, collecting together when we left  and unloading on return of the many things including sports equipment that made Sports Day possible for the person who looked  after me..
My attitudes and behaviour with them was very good  which can be shown by thinks like helping in making our meal on arrival, washing up, satisfactory setting a table when we arrived and I was tired and in discomfort including making the soft drinks for when they returned with our fish and chips.
I only needed a few brisk hand spankings for inattentiveness without good reason over my underwear just to sharpen me up the odd time which is extremely good as attitude and behaviour goes.
The Jo in twenty-seventeen is different from back in twenty-fourteen, that I think is the thing that is most apparent because that what I turned an deaf ear to whilst expecting to be told to help is becoming more the one who offers or even just does things without being asked.
It is because people have cared enough to reset what they expect from me that is within my abilities as painfully obviously limited as they are to much higher standards and to hold firm to them. It also has a lot to do with their preparedness to take me in my very child-like but adult form and spank me without fail when I fell short, letting myself and them down because it has made big improvement  since they started that and I feel more proud what I am becoming because it.

Being responsible in a crisis

It has been a trying start to the week and I think it matters to me that I talk about this without naming names because there are some lessons in here and it helps with processing it.
It isn't always easy to make friends especially online so the appeal of a ready made circle who when you read about them on page sound very much about what you like and also are about - age regression - is strong.
You are welcomed and shown how to find members so after a while you start to share pictures of cute things or calming 'stimming' moving images although you find some seem to hostile similar people with different group names but you're caught up  enjoying it.

Then yesterday I came to read a page by a leader of the group who calls for all these other groups and some adult kink ones to kill themselves which really worries me so I go the the  group page where the people in charge called moderators answer questions and I find three people in or group have said they are very upset about it.
I find the moderator swears at them for questioning it, condones that remark and goes to accuse anyone who isn't comfortable with that a person into adult kinky stuff and worse.
I start to feel sad, crying hugging my teddy as it's one of the nastiest mean things to say to people who it seems to me are so like us and I am struggling to think what to do.😢
I find the people they not like and leave an anonymous message saying what group I'm from and I saw this so they can find it and ask them to please do something as our group doesn't look or feel a safe place anymore not just for us but anyone. 
I see someone from them contact a register of groups saying what I'd saw and asking them to be put on list of not safe groups and why.
I decided to change my group, blocking the person who baited the other group and left on their page a message saying who I was and why I'd left my group for theirs which hurts but as this upset me so much I think for my own safety I need too.
It troubles me that I was linked by being with our group to what was said so I apologize for it to the group I am now  with and hope they will accept that.
I think the lesson the lesson I have learnt is it can be very easy to be taken in, not seeing the attitudes they have toward others and how that spills over into hurtful, threatening behaviour and that I can act on it to protect myself and others.

What I learned during Winter Littles Camp 2017

I've been away for a number of days in connection with that all encumbering part of my life that I don't really need to write much more about as the account of the six days away can be found Here.
There are some reflections I do feel the need to talk about about on here one is learning to be grateful for what people freely do for you such as seeing I was struggling at one railway station a couple kindly offered to help carry my luggage and even checked when I got to the end of the stairwell I was all right who I no idea of. I thanked them profusely for caring so much and acting on it.
There's the people who kept an eye on me as I was feeling a little homesick where I stayed, spending time with and the friend who knowing the sort of fiction I like, gave me a cherished book from their collection which they sure didn't have to and to which I didn't expect at all after giving them a dolly I thought they'd love.
Then there is a friend of mine who kindly put me up, offering a cooked meal and a lift to the train coming back completely out of the blue, seeing I was on the right platform for my train to come in. Even when I found I simply could not eat the whole of their home made and cooked meal rather than just saying it was very nice-and it was was absolutely lovely- from nowhere I found myself apologizing to them for not finishing my meal clearly feeling contrite.
These acts of kindness really moved me but whereas in the past I'd of blocked out my emotions I thanked them properly for all those things they did not have to do,that I have no right to expect nor demand expressing my gratitude, revealing my sense of being humbled openly.
Another thing was around making sure I stayed within contact while meeting one person after a rail journey, letting them know it was doing  and when I would be seeing them which as you may recall resulted in a lecture and spanking last time which I did.
As well I was asked to keep it on while they were going out of the house for a short period later on because they may be delayed and I just complied with the request with no back chat which showed I had learned from last times experiences.
While a few people needed a reminder to tidy up and put their plates in the dishwasher while we were away, I did not and indeed that I had was held up as an example for others to follow.
I think the one thing I can take away from this period is while I may have some distance to go and the potential to relapse, the six days did show I was moving on, being responsible and how I'm being helped to change is really helping me.  

Being grown up week

I've been dealing with a few things over the last week, some unexpected, some not but there's a few common things in common to them all.
The main thing has been getting things organized for a couple of days away fairly soon one which was a complete surprise from a friend of mine who is very aware of this whole life of mine to the point of being prepared to spank me where needed so I've had to get the details of that agreed and sort the transportation out as non-driver.
The other is the first of the twice yearly Littles meet ups here in Great Britain over several days where a good number of spend a few days in a rented place having fun in safe secluded environment which was known about but my transportation plans got changed so I've had to stick my Big Girls pants on and co-operate with someone on their timetable so I could get their without running into issues that would put me at appreciable personal risk.
Then as ever on Tumblr a person who I followed for a while switched the Community and tag affinities to one which is more exclusionary so I had message them to see if they were still okay with people in mine following and was informed not so I was required to unfollow them so I did.
The funny thing is at the other account with a different group I have when when I need a more controlled time their they actually added me! Now do you think I can be two totally different persons?
I suspect it just show how much this community label stuff  blinds people to who the person is and the exact nature of what they post.
The thing all of these things have in common is they've required me to act in a more mature way, considering and in some ways giving more priority to their needs and wishes than my own although they are important too.
That I have is a sign of how this life is helping me finally grow up.

New Year reaffirmation

Seeing this is the start of New Year one might begin this first edition of the New Year looking at resolutions which we have talked about at various sites, certainly at SN, not just the more usual things around positions, material things and pay for those that are employed but more around the things we find difficulty with and in a less overtly religious way, our moral and behavioural traits not just in how they leave us but especially the impact on others of when get it wrong.
The following is the emotional age appropriate standard for me as a child/adult hybrid expressed in a way I can understand easier

Now that isn't too tall an order for me get to grips with so keeping to it is one of my most important things this year.
What I really want you all to do is help hold me to all five points of this over the year be it in a chat room, on the threads of a forum or social media and especially face to face.
I want you to be to be fair but very firm with me being prepared to chastise me as and when I deviant from such basic social norms, learning to own the consequences of my actions to help me be as responsible as I can even with my learning and developmental disabilities.
This is what matters the most for me in Twenty-seventeen. 

The Dorm End of year review

In the brief history of the Dorm Blog,  it's the usual thing to reflect a little on the year which externally has been eventful not least of so many artists as people who didn't just make memorable movies and records  but also played apart in encouraging me in exploring my gender identity, image and sexuality such as David Bowie and Prince and also helping to open out the mainstream to let those of us who felt left out, a space to be us and increasingly accepted for who we are. If 2016 was the year of Black Lives Matters and North Carolina's institutionalized discrimination of the Transgendered community with public conveniences in other areas we have clearly moved on.

For me this was the year my Middle/little side really stepped up to the point where the division between that and my Big side just merged in which was marked by the parking of original 'Big' blog and scrapping its related Tumblr completely because there wasn't anything that was specifically big and the whole mid 2000's blogging craze that for me just started in 2005 at Friends Reunited with a "Hey! You too can now blog" offer and experiment that got ported over to Blogger lead to a greater exploration of what I learned was Being a Little and "Age Regression" had come full circle.

It was also a year where increasingly I came out about what is "wrong" with me, why that is and how that plays a very important part in what being me means in everyday life rather than glossing over it or trying to say it doesn't define me where what I actual meant was I shouldn't be  treated less favourably for why I'm me  but  the big elephant in the room no one in authority want to own up to is I can only be me with the needs and issues I have not least being an adult child to whom adult expectations simply cannot be met by passing an equalizing Act here and aspiring to something you can never be there.

The simply and painful truth of the matter is my regression such as it is is the outcome of being allowed to function on the basis and understanding of the learning disabled with brain damage child that is living in a body whose chronological age and expectations on the part of the mainstream society is adult instead of very much a child's and are better served by being treated as through I am that child.

Chunks of this are slowly being work through in my relationships with people such as my folks who after trying the equalizing trip beloved of the learned ones who know of things but not had the life, are dealing with me as that learning disabled child, allowing me a choice without confusing me silly with a myriad of options, learning to set the personal limits to that of my actual developmental age where we accept an adult override for me in certain situations so I have a sense of freedom I can use and enjoy that doesn't stress me out nor put me in danger.

I have a caregiver in my life who helps to keep me grounded, helping me with structuring my day which I do struggle with who I can share my middle little life with as their girl loved for child-like person I am, playing and doing my colouring as well as appropriate disciplining for me as with the learning disabilities, very poor short-term memory and auditory processing disorder, it's isn't that I just may not realize what's wrong with what I'm doing, relying on talking through and trying to reason fails as it gets badly jumbled up leaving me in a bad place mentally.

When I have been with friends too increasingly this year  this whole approach of changing the way and the limits to that more appropriate to that of a junior age child who is looked after by them but encourage to do what a child of that age would for herself and those who look after her as part of a "family" is applied.

Part of what is my "Age Regression" does include more Junior  style spanking which was a part of how I was brought up as discipline rather than for any more 'adult' angle and 2016 saw more people being prepared to use that with me whenever I'd messed up.

With me this is always just in a regular domestic setting just as it was when I was officially young not taking place in adult clubs nor scened even, just administered in real time as the adults in charge feel I need it.
 

Whither I'm over a knee which is very child-like or say a desk or table, once I am in position, they pull my dress back, exposing my bottom ready to start the spanking.

Ninty-nine times out of a hundred, I will be spanked on my now bared bottom with hand spanking being common. It sounds strange but actually I feel very safe over a person's lap being spanked.

 More prevalent is the use of impediments such as either a paddle, hand brush or slipper which may start over my knickers but they will be taken down during it.

You may think I'd really hate this but actually I hate the stuff I do when I'm about of control much more because with the exceptions of school and parents of children I played with sometimes, I never grew up with No and was mainly just taken away from situations to avoid scenes so I never really learned social norms.

 Leather straps such as a Tawse can be used too which is what happened to me in November which I really felt.

For a long long time I avoided being with people because I'd get so worried about messing up without knowing it that people understandably would sooner not have me with them  but ever since how I'm being treated has started to change and I'm being spanked, I am getting better at understanding my place with people and how I am to behave around them.

Like my second best friend spotted in November I was at risk of hurting myself making something and normally I'd just ignore anyone issuing an instruction but since I've been spanked for disobeying instructions, I just did what she said because I learned people have authority over me especially when it comes to keeping me safe.

 
I am learning to do what I've been told and I'm sure she's pleased about that.

 Although it wasn't used this year, ultimately for the most severe infractions I can be caned and is a strong deterrent when I'm getting rather stroppy.

2016 was a year when all of this really started to come together, seeing me changing my attitudes towards others and taking more responsibility for  my own welfare by being put back in a setting I was able to cope with and starting to teach me what in many ways I failed to learn first time around.

Making sure I was given swift, very unpleasant consequences  for my actions  together with work on my attitudes toward making an appropriate contribution to  those things people do for me has been one of the best things to happen to me.

A side benefit of this has been I've felt far more 'little'  not just at home but when I've been out with people just letting that side of me out, not feeling I had to pretend to be an adult nor be so stressed out about how I was behaving I was not able to play in a group for not knowing the social rules and being feeling clueless on putting anything right.

Looking forward into 2017, I can see more time spent at gatherings of littles which is always fun to be able to just be regressed me  with others playing, I know a friend of mine certainly is looking toward some more formal school lesson sessions as well as providing help moving me on toward a level of maturity as a forever a child I can achieve.

I hope some of the super stressful stuff I had on Tumblr across last year starts to clear away as there many similar people but last year inter community strife really took me and a few others out of that headspace ironically we went their for which is a pity so I made a more middly Tumblr and a younger more visual stimulation one with a walled community that my more tween side would normally  rebel against so when anything happens at the middle one, I do have at least a safe young place to recover from as in that situation I need the authority figures keeping me from anything bad.

Losing the copy-cat person at FA, blocking them on me original tumblr and making this Dorm blog to talk more about me, my emotions and spanking in my age regression  has helped give me a voice to express more openly how I feel to the people I care about the most as bottling it up was hurting me badly and stopping me from showing the empathy I have which was always one of my good points to people.

Thank you everyone for reading this.

The circle progresses

 This is being written in the inbetweeness of what will be a busy weekend here not least with UK Mothering Sunday (they have different conventions here for some reason or other) and a birthday which elements leave me feeling like why are we doing this? 

Some of that lies in mess that is my family, always at war with each other over the silliness of things, petty one upmanship and rank disrespect never mind just refuse to speak to folk for months at a time. Indeed often if you'd of said what did I want for a Birthday my honest answer would be a 'Proper family' to belong to and no wonder I feel closer to my age play family. 

It's not that I'm opposed to the idea of working with is, god knows you just have to at times, and not making a bad situation worse by tossing a whole of easy to throw in attitude to the mix it just makes things feel...hollow. 

Mom always say I'm the one that can be counted on to think more about what needs to happen, what would make a difference and just do it so I'm happy to take her for lunch and she understands marking the wedding anniversary in the view of events I grew up around is something I can't cheat on emotionally so won't happen. 

Part of the reason I cope with much of this mess is actually the people who filled the gaps, providing guidance, an understanding ear and much needed help in developing some self-discipline and usually around  this time I'm reminded of how much I have to be grateful for in that way. 

This year unlike years in the past I do feel I am moving in the right direction, becoming a little more mature than I have been which to tell you the truth has been so embarrassing for those years so I'd like to thank every one who's helped me. 

Here's to Moms and the all the people who are helping me as we approach my birthday.

Weekend studying

Another weekend goes and can you imagine what I've been doing over two days in this cold and snowy time?

 Yes, I had double studying this weekend where I actually had just sit down and work my grey socks off rather than either being distracted by other stuff online or otherwise and actual get started on time as I have from now on...
Is that an offstage Ow you hear? (lol).
So on Saturday in English I was working on backing up points by using quotations and getting to grips with making sense of Shakespeare, being able to read extracts from plays and make out what really is happening to the point of being able to show I understood  what I had read.
Shakespeare isn't like me  just coming out with it even with a bit of diplomatic license, it's often wrapped around long poetic descriptions and anything but direct.
I did manage to get every question right this week as well as drawing neat boxes to make the tables to put some of the answers in.
During the week the Ks 3 Math study and workbook arrived which could mean one thing, that like it or not I had Math to work on  and was required to get myself a Geometry set and traditional exercise book to write my work in on Friday when it had been snowing.
Can you imagine it, a increasing number of exercise books with "Joanne, [Subject] Month/Year and Form: 1EB" written neatly on the front that I am to fill out over the year?
Sunday I had to tackle Math starting on what you'd call basic number work such as how you put numbers in order to express them as Math and in English as well as size before moving on addition, subtraction, multiplication and division featuring patterns, multiplying and dividing  in decimal units which cause my fears to multiply(!) as well how to multiply and divide numbers like 20, 300, 800 which I can't recall being shown not that being truthful I'd of paid that much attention to back in the day.
I'm also working through Multiples, Factors and odd, even, squared and cubed numbers too and it's all starting sink in as although this is hard for me, I did actually manage it, even going back over one calculation three times until I spotted where I was going wrong which was very good for me as I'd of thrown the pencil at you cursing until very recently.
In a way it really underscores where the work on my attitudes and behaviour slots in because it's not that this isn't hard  for me but it is something with support I can grasp but didn't want saying in effect "Too hard, why even try" which is why a very strict line has and is taken with me.
It actually shows that with a no-nonsense approach when it's coupled with support and guidance I am able to do things, that I have abilities I can use and from now on I'm to put a real effort into trying. 

I CAN DO MORE WITH THE RIGHT HELP WHEN I ALLOW OTHERS TO HELP ME
That is what being a responsible disabled adult middle is all about

Also my BFF checked in during the days to see how I was getting on, like actually getting started and I did the same for her which does seem to work well for both of us and she did well too.

Personal growth

It's kind funny how it is change and permanency crop in in differing forms when it is we think about aspects of our lives such as what may matter the most or the direction a hobby or interest may take.
Some people may put a great store on things being the same then, now and even in the future living around patterns from the past and equally we can all think of people who never really seem settled, forever swapping and changing things at whim, sometimes to the consternation of those closest to them.
Sometimes you may feel things changing but hear the siren calls of those who just loved you and what you do begging you not to change, that you and what you do is all that you are and to embark on journey be it personal or in developing your skills would lose you your own qualities while others still may wish to take you down routes you might not feel sure over.
To grow and to adapt either as a person or in your interests to me seems on the face of it a healthy thing as that would imply you are learning and exploring more of what interests and fascinates you.
I know and sometimes it feels at certain sites as if I'm forever on about, I am changing, learning  to do and live with greater expectations of doing things to those I'm been familiar with far a long time which hasn't been easy.
It would of been easy to given the matters that came to a head last year to had done nothing, in effect deciding to have stayed in rut which may have been a dead for end for me but a comfortable one but instead pursued on that was and has been painful at times but has ultimately been more benefit to me. Sometimes it's the courage to change that we need.

Being Middle me

Just getting down to a spot of work here today before lunch and I'm going to write something about one of things we've touched on a couple of times in chat and occasionally elsewhere.

Everybody's lives not least their Middle or Little lives is different and that might be because of things like having a partner (or not) or how it is your middle or little side comes out and how that is balanced with your big side.

Indeed search this blog and you'll find I've written a few pieces around how we do that and the 'real world' challenges in dealing with it not least when it comes to being in the workplace.

Perhaps to a greater extent  than a good number of  us and within  'our group', my sense of middleness arises less than 'age playing' or even a relatively straightforward regression in a play situation than living with real life conditions that mean I'm in middle/little headspace most of the time and not by choice although as those of you who know me understand I don't have any time for regrets. 

For all that lead to those conditions, I enjoy being the person I am, limitations and all.

Those limitations are however just that, and without being hypercritical were not things that I've had much help in either dealing with or helping me make the most of  my reduced abilities at necessarily.

That does lead to area of my live that does differ than many although I can see some crossovers in the more mainstream ddlg world which is I have person who works with me on the things I have difficulty with such as staying focused on  a task, getting started on and working through the things I need to get done rather than just going with what's fun, dealing with stressful situations and some behavioural tracts amongst other things.

They recognize and work with me as that Middle with little side providing more the kind of loving care, support and structured environment that also is quite strict to help me be more productive and adopt better habits as that Middle.

In a very real way then, being and presenting as the adult schoolgirl I am ties in with this sense of having a caretaker/daddy-like figure in my life with me as that 'child'.

While he'd be the first to say the improvements in my life since his involvement in it come from my preparedness to work with him, to accept his authority (by agreement) working through it and accepting any discipline that may be needed at times, it's that support and guidance he's shown me that helped me turn a few corners so far to the point as I explained on Tuesday I did really well with my Homework (another thing that helps me focus on sticking to agreements, following schedules and working hard) which was a first for me given I've always sucked big time in the past with it.

 And that working with who I am, a Middle, in a more Middles setting can help me so much in those situations I can't help avoid having to deal with the big world by helping me to be more responsible and learning more self discipline, not that removes all the problems but helps me feel more able to deal with things and be a bit more independent.

For me then Middles life and the ddlg dynamic go beyond pure lifestyle not that there's anything wrong with that but are an important part of helping me make the most of my life being fulfilled, able to take a bit more care of myself and handling responsibility better.

It may not qualify for the strict criteria around the term 'Therapy'  but for me this life is therapeutic. 

"I want to be a betterer girl"

I do wish I felt better today and will be resting after doing this but I woke up also with a bit of an idea for a post.

Sammy write something a few days back about her emotions and how she feels about herself the other day that struck a chord with me.
When we think of 'naughty' what we usually are thinking of is the girl (or for that matter boy) who is mean to others.
It may be that you set out to upset someone by saying unkind things about them and the things that matter to them, you pull their hair, pour paint all over their art or ruin their toys.
That might come from feeling insecure in the presence of someone who either is popular or who has something we feel ought to be ours and needs to denied the pleasure from them.
Most of us can relate to this either as one who did this the odd time or were on the receiving end of it and personally I get it both ways although it is many years since I last did anything naughty in that sense.
Sometimes arising from that childlike sense of wonder and excitement  we can more  thoughtless, we dash and maybe collide hurting each other when it would be more sensible walk slowly instead, we attempt to do something that sounds like fun but oblivious to risks involved for ourselves and others and so on.
On the the other hand there are other things that may have continued from an early age, such as not appreciating what others may do for us, feeling very much World must conform to and supply our immediate needs with a pout and a stomp.
You may feel the best way of getting what you want is shouting over anybody who has the audacity to question or just fail to give total support.
Although starting something can be daunting just putting things off because we'd sooner not or prefer to do more enjoyable or possibly have a lazy streak even doesn't help us and may not help those we are are close to like partners, work colleagues or friends who rely on us especially when we agreed to do them.
In effect sometimes we self sabotage things.
It's no secret to some of you I share some of these traits which I'm getting quite a bit of support in overcoming because they hold me back when I could be that much more effective and responsible.
There's nothing wrong in wanting to be a betterer girl if you're prepared to accept some growing pains and maybe your present issues aside you've the maturity to see it.
If that's you, go for it.