My schoolwork

One thing I can well recall from when I went to school was there was often some tension around at least the presentation of any work I did at least as compared to any other child in the form and especially if any of it was going to be graded for National Examinations in my teens.

It's safe to say my work looked nothing like theirs with neatly drawn columns and tidy handwriting.
It's not that I don't have problems in holding a pen (it is sadly worse now due to acquired industrial injuries) and controlling fine movements because I do and they're in my Ataxia and link to two elements of Dyslexia because it is very true. Not being able to spell makes making notes difficult and forgetting what ten words back the teacher said doesn't help.
The real problem was that mainly I was in too much of rush to get it finished and didn't care about how my work looked so long at the time at least I 'knew'  what was there and what it said which often excused rather than being given a bit more help to reach everyone else's level.
A few teachers were a good deal stricter on it, not least my Geography Mistress who wasn't averse to spanking me if I didn't come up to standard without a good reason but most weren't.
After leaving school and getting a job which it had to be said I didn't really slot into, this started to become quite an issue with people I had to make hand written notes out for them not being able to read so I was called into a meeting with a Training Advisor and my Supervisor where they decided I HAD to spend ten to fifteen minutes of each workday at work practising my handwriting and handing it for marking each week and that was it.
My handwriting while suffering from an injury in the  early 1990's that can lead to me being unable to write at all is much better than when I left school and this whole episode is a good example of why being strict with me is honestly the best attitude for you to have toward me.
You need to have higher expectations than some of those in my past had for me and be prepared to make me work toward them.

Meadowland IIII

I knows, I knows, its a bit late but in groan up land things sometimes take longer than they really should and this was one of them.

 One thing I like about me Olympus camera is I can easily control how much either side of the what I make my main subject is in sharp focus and here is a good example of what people call differential focusing.
I like the local Meadowland areas heaps, finding it a great place to relax and find 'inner space' which can help when you're needing to switch off a bit from the stresses and strains and I took this a few days before the Picnic.
I used my 135mm fixed length lens as I find it really separates out the subject at a wide aperature on the OM20 using Fuji's Superior 200 colour print film which was then scanned from the negatives to digital.

Wild flowers have always intrigued me so this cluster just caught my eye, taking ful advantage of the close focusing properties of this lens to fill the frame

 I thought this corner to corner picture of wild meadowland came out rather well, bring out the peacefulness as insects go about their business.
Taken using Tamron 28-70 close focusing zoom in early June and again on Fuji Superia 200 film

Repairing the damage

This entry is really the companion entry to this weeks on my main littles blog a link of which is on the “About” page.

One big problem area in my life is Authority and specifically around male authority figures that like much the rest of my issue goes back to my upbringing.

The first thing to say is although Daddy always tried to provide for everyone's needs and would go out of his way to get you things he had a darker side such as he'd hit you for being unwell if he needed you do something you were no longer capable of, he often throw things across the room when he was angry, sometimes your own things in a childish paddy, was very abusive toward Mommy, screaming and shouting to the point the police were threatened with being called.

He's gotten a very controlling streak in him and also never lets anything go for weeks on end.

It's not an exaggeration to say my upbringing deeply effected me, feeling scared around males, hiding under chairs the second a loud voice came out and was a contributory factor in me adopting disturbed behaviour that alarmed child welfare people although naturally my family didn't tell them what had been going on.

He also has a terminal illness which presently leads to him tired and part of my role is helping him and Mommy out which adds an extra lay emotionally to how I see him and by extension other males.

For a very long time I felt distrustful of males, fearing the emotional and physical pain he dished out would by by them, I had no trust or respect for them, calling them nasty names under my breath.

If any man tried to tell me what to do, I'd give them a strong piece of my mind cos I had no respect for them and any authority they were given which usually led to a battle of wills.

My attitude around him not surprisingly has been very trying been torn between feeling like saying **** *** for how he's left me and a more maturer one centred on meeting current needs.

The one thing that was different when I was with him on this occasion was although nothing takes away from how I feel about past events and some of his current issues he projects toward me, I felt able to respect his authority as a father, contributing an idea while with him rather than wanting to lay one over him because of past events.

Part of this has come about because I've learnt to trust a very important male in my life, my Mentor for a number things such as listening and understanding my needs and wishes in his relationship with me.

I have learned to appreciate that men can love and care for me in a way that's not about baser instincts nor about just domination and control for itself as well as learning to accept his loving authority, that I accept in my life helping me and he has the right to exercise it with and even where needed over me.

Equally, I accept his fatherly disciplining of the adult-child me without question because it comes from his love and his corrections have helped me grow, being more responsible and mature.

This is helped me in replacing much of the negative aggression I felt toward males, especially in positions of authority with a lesson confrontational and more respectful view of the qualities and values males have and how they fit into my life.

It was that I noticed so much on Saturday dealing as I had to not only with Daddy but people like male security guards and the like.

For the first time in my life I felt respect for these men.

Hayley Mills

I'll be off tomorrow so I'm busy getting myself ready because it's both my responsibility and my priority activity today so here's a short post.

I've always like Hayley Mills  as an actress and own some of her films on dvd.

 That one's from The Parent Trap, a favourite of mine from 1961 where she played both Sharon and Susan trying to reunited her parents.

 Apart from her undoubted abilities and good looks, these pictures to me sum up what I love about the pinafore dress look -simple elegance - and the girlish.
It's hardly surprising then I just love pinafore dresses myself!

Reflections on being paddled

To avoid ANY doubt this is going to feature in my life from now on as the Wooden Paddle is an implement one of my disciplinarians has made plain is part of the CP Tools to be used on me seeing how effective it proved in late may.

 It's also very obvious the thing that has to change their behaviour now more than ever before is me as reflecting on mentoring and the role of spanking within it. I also know what a good paddling feels like!!!
I suppose the first thing I would say is not being aware how many swats I was going to get was different, finding myself focused exclusively on the lesson my bottom was being taught, with no possibility of gritting through it. Emotionally, I found myself letting out ows freely, acknowledging my feelings where in most other types of discipline I shut them down which one reason spanking works well with me.  I process it emotionally so much better.
Another thing that came from this was it has been decided I shall be caned which was never a part originally of this in extreme cases for extra deterrence which wasn't a million miles removed from what I had in upper juniors and high school. 
Submitting my younger self to the authority of a grown up felt very comfortable, even in a way protected although from now on I’m to be spanked very much when they feel I require it without exception.
Sometimes people might say “aren’t you embarrassed by it”? My honest answer to that would be no because in most sorts of relationships there are common understandings  if not rules  about how things are done and things happen to those in them if they are not  respected. Often there are consequences such as not being invited to things again, being pushed out of a group, the only real difference here is it’s pretty much a child like consequence to which the offence that caused it is forgiven afterward. I’d rather take a spanking and in time change my behaviour than be just cast out and too many folk cast me out in the past rather than teach me the rules in the first place.
Equally it doesn’t matter to me a sizable chunk of my friends know  I’m held to account and that I am spanked because it’s like during your childhood -it’s a common playground currency – and they accept it’s better to learn from it, deal with situations better and be a bit more mature. With me we know it’s impossible to do fully adult for medical reasons but it’s not quite rocket science to help me act more like a responsible child instead is it?

More on the past

Not a bad start to the week with some sunny weather so the layers have been able to come off but I've been thinking a bit about the past as that's so tied to my present in many ways.

 

We had a uniform to wear to school which I loved wearing so much that unto several years back  I actually still had my original school tie and school was a place I felt very secure in with its rules and routines, more secure than at home.

I did have some very bratty times however of this this is worrying close to how it was as I did throw stuff about, write on the chalkboard  and so on. As was the way at the time, I did end up over a few laps at the time for it which worked well with me.

 When I was at school you were often swung by girls and looking back on it, you learned to trust your friends through that play.

Games were often played in the yard as we only had a tiny field marked out with chalk. You always wiped yourself down with soap and paper towels as our facilities were poor.

Hopscotch was quite popular as was kiss-chase and we'd mark out the playground for it as was skipping which I loved playing up to my mid teens.

An unforgetable spanking

Yesterday something happened to me that I never expected. You all know how from this year onwards I’ve been mentored, given love some good guidance about handling situations and myself  and how I am held to account from now on and am spanked  to help my behaviour and attitudes so I not before time act more maturely and that is the odd relapse apart working so well in turning me around.

 Well I was staying with a friend and when we got talking I mentioned about this and how I found it so helpful and it happened this person does spank other people who are happy with it.
I asked them if they’d be prepared to discipline spank me when they felt I was in need of it as one of my problems is trying to deal with me by rapid scolding with lots of words just doesn’t work for me and I sometimes I really get things wrong when I’m with them.

 Much to my surprise they agreed to and knowing me in my little side seldom in anything other than my schoolgirl uniform for a good period of time, I trust them. Well, having had breakfast something happened or rather it didn’t  as one of things is I’m meant to help out when I’m with them and I didn’t get started helping with washing up 

  After making a start on helping with a stern prompt, I was called back by them who was sat on an open armed chair, standing to the side of them as I was to put my arms around them at which point I was told to bend over their knee as they showed me the wooden paddle.

 Having been helped in position, I feel the hand on my back as my skirt is lifted,and their hands gently warming up my bottom as I’m laying there unable to  do anything as my knickers are  adjusted to expose my bottom.

 Without warning I feel the first stroke land, I scream, squirm and sob  as with every stroke I feel the force of the paddle coming down. I do the spanky dance without realizing it, legs dancing off the floor but I am reduced to the powerlessness of a child  having  to take her spanking and the ever hotter feel of my bottom burning as it turns a deep shade of red but it never stops until she’s done with me.

 Eventually and equally without prior notice it stops and I am told to stand up where with no thought, I just put my arms around them thanking them  for spanking me and  agreeing my bottom needed it while I feel at that moment just like a real child punished by an aunt.

 A new bond is formed between  ‘child’ and grown up friend as immediately afterward we just get back to everything cos I’ve been forgiven, this is the past but I know it’ll happen again if I  mess up.

 Everything just felt natural, unforced coming into place and really this was one of the best experiences when it comes to disciplining me in  a way that is effective without confusing me.