Looking back at the last year

As a few entries touched on, I went from a situation in my late teens with very little effective discipline of any kind to the removal of anything short of being made to leave home without having the very attitudes corrected and by late 2014 things were in a mess.

More by chance than anything discussions at various places lead to me finding a Caregiver who accepted and was prepared to work with adult middle me who made it plain they wanted me in school uniform and they were going to discipline me as that schoolgirl.

 They made it a hard rule that My knickers were to come right down for all punishment spankings so my bared bottom was going to pay the price from now on for all infractions, looked at my problems  and we agreed a set of rules to help me change.

And not just a  slipper but a hairbrush, leather and wooden paddles too as I increasingly learned to present my bottom for correction as just an everyday part of my life.

 
It wasn’t long before I felt so at ease with it that talking to other trusted adults who knew me and my problems well, that they took on a disciplinarian role to a middle who they also knew as one who is in school uniform, agreeing to spank me whenever I’m with them.

For good measure measure many of little/middle friends know about this, do know when I’ve been in trouble and are supportive because they know I can be more mature and considerate if I want to be.

It was through the discussions through them that quite against the odds caning something I only had at school came back as an option in more severe infractions with a variety of different canes being available to use when extinguishing a behavior or attitude was required.

Given it worked then I can't see it failing to keep my behaviour and attitudes in decent limits. 

Other things such as the Tawse and Martinet are agreed options too.

It was a long, painful process with some elements such as having more trusted Adults re-enforcing my Caregiver by disciplining me too not even in the original plan but it has started to work.

 
Who knew this was just what I so badly needed from Adult Authority figures who cared enough to step in and prevent me from falling while also working with guidance and support on changing me so I never get to that point again.

Please support spanking me. You know it  makes sense.

Age regression

What does age regression mean to you?
It’s not a phrase I use simply because my Middles with a little side flows from my inner child in real time less than the notion of say taking on a pre-defined role with an script, running more with actual child within emotional responses and  needs as it happens in real time. It’s more space for my Middle with little side to express herself with the ‘play’ being the setting where she comes out.
It also is the case with developmental disabilities and brain damage, even at school, not least high school, I was considerably younger than my years which left me out of sync from my mid teens onward with most of my peers although I could share in say a love of music and some movies at least but with a lot their more grown up interests and sexual references going completely over my head, like they’d be talking about making out and I’d be more interested in having a teddy bears picnic or a tween sleepover.
For me those situations either on line or in playmeets  with some of my friends over here are very therapeutic to me because they’re where I can really let that side of me out without the fear of people poking fun although the community where I live are very tolerant of my child-like ways and being know to have “special needs” does run  to my advantage in that way, allowing a greater degree of self expression than I’d of imagined after leaving high school.
How do you express you inner-kid: online? offline as part of your everyday life?
Online is fun as I am very childlike, cracking lame jokes, getting super excited but thankfully most people are at least tolerant of my childlike ways although I make serious posts on non IK sites but am very open at sites like DDLG World or Girltalk.to.forums about my little side sometimes really regressing in say a IK chat room
In what we call Real Life, as will be apparent later on, my 'big’ and I express ourselves pretty much the same, which can be fun  cos I just can’t help being myself as I use child-like phrases and words instinctively, often have plaything with me (my last works colleagues 'got it’ and were super understanding of me being very much a child to the point of buying childrens gifts at Christmas),  do dress in a more child-like way, often have cute plushies around, and easily move into little/middle headspace when I’m out, playing with thing.
My IK really comes out at Adult Little Girl meets and sleepovers, it’s just like boarding school which I loved having been to one and I’m always dressed as Middle in either playwear or English school uniform which fits me perfectly.
How do you view your innerkid? As an integrated part of you? As being totally separate? .. or maybe you don’t feel you have an innerkid per say just feel littler.
The answer to this is simple  which is to say I don’t have much of adult sense of self through the real world impact of learning, development and intellectual disabilities to the point much of the adult world is beyond my personal comprehension, having no interest or need to. Basically I’m a child with a big age number living more like a child apart from paying taxes and that.
What about discipline? Does it feature in your ageplay needs and to what extent?
I struggle with things around getting things done on time, do put off important things for more fun in the moment activities, badly need structure and am capable of being disrespectful of others because I get more into what I want then and there without considering them. As well, I don’t always judge situations well and my abilities especially in  emotionally stressful situations to keep up with and process verbal reasoning can get so poor that it just ends up jumbled up with me getting more and more frustrated with that person.  Grown up approaches to disciplining me simply aren’t effective because they just can’t go in.
What works better with me is having clear cut rules and rigid boundaries around what I’m expected to do and clear consequences which is what my mentor/caretaker has been working on with me since just before Christmas. The main focus is around working on bring more permanent changes in my behaviour and attitudes rather than just the use of discipline through talking about situations and one on one guidance.
Discipline forms an important part within the maintenance of those rules though, flowing very much as the consequence delivered for breaching them in the way as a child  it would and so my mentor/caretaker does use corporal punishment with me as so an increasing number of trusted 'grown ups’ when I’m in IK situations involving them with permission and appropriate discreteness, often when I’m dressed more as a child too.

I find being disciplined less stressful than wordy verbal scolding, feeling very calm over a knee while it also certainly has helped together with the guidance and love of others in improving my attitudes and behaviour no end. My parents have little idea what this is about but they’re really impressed by how much I’ve improved.
The aftercare is really good and I find afterward its like I’ve been 'reset’, centred anew with no past offences hanging over me although it does hurt.

Reflections on being paddled

To avoid ANY doubt this is going to feature in my life from now on as the Wooden Paddle is an implement one of my disciplinarians has made plain is part of the CP Tools to be used on me seeing how effective it proved in late may.

 It's also very obvious the thing that has to change their behaviour now more than ever before is me as reflecting on mentoring and the role of spanking within it. I also know what a good paddling feels like!!!
I suppose the first thing I would say is not being aware how many swats I was going to get was different, finding myself focused exclusively on the lesson my bottom was being taught, with no possibility of gritting through it. Emotionally, I found myself letting out ows freely, acknowledging my feelings where in most other types of discipline I shut them down which one reason spanking works well with me.  I process it emotionally so much better.
Another thing that came from this was it has been decided I shall be caned which was never a part originally of this in extreme cases for extra deterrence which wasn't a million miles removed from what I had in upper juniors and high school. 
Submitting my younger self to the authority of a grown up felt very comfortable, even in a way protected although from now on I’m to be spanked very much when they feel I require it without exception.
Sometimes people might say “aren’t you embarrassed by it”? My honest answer to that would be no because in most sorts of relationships there are common understandings  if not rules  about how things are done and things happen to those in them if they are not  respected. Often there are consequences such as not being invited to things again, being pushed out of a group, the only real difference here is it’s pretty much a child like consequence to which the offence that caused it is forgiven afterward. I’d rather take a spanking and in time change my behaviour than be just cast out and too many folk cast me out in the past rather than teach me the rules in the first place.
Equally it doesn’t matter to me a sizable chunk of my friends know  I’m held to account and that I am spanked because it’s like during your childhood -it’s a common playground currency – and they accept it’s better to learn from it, deal with situations better and be a bit more mature. With me we know it’s impossible to do fully adult for medical reasons but it’s not quite rocket science to help me act more like a responsible child instead is it?

An unforgetable spanking

Yesterday something happened to me that I never expected. You all know how from this year onwards I’ve been mentored, given love some good guidance about handling situations and myself  and how I am held to account from now on and am spanked  to help my behaviour and attitudes so I not before time act more maturely and that is the odd relapse apart working so well in turning me around.

 Well I was staying with a friend and when we got talking I mentioned about this and how I found it so helpful and it happened this person does spank other people who are happy with it.
I asked them if they’d be prepared to discipline spank me when they felt I was in need of it as one of my problems is trying to deal with me by rapid scolding with lots of words just doesn’t work for me and I sometimes I really get things wrong when I’m with them.

 Much to my surprise they agreed to and knowing me in my little side seldom in anything other than my schoolgirl uniform for a good period of time, I trust them. Well, having had breakfast something happened or rather it didn’t  as one of things is I’m meant to help out when I’m with them and I didn’t get started helping with washing up 

  After making a start on helping with a stern prompt, I was called back by them who was sat on an open armed chair, standing to the side of them as I was to put my arms around them at which point I was told to bend over their knee as they showed me the wooden paddle.

 Having been helped in position, I feel the hand on my back as my skirt is lifted,and their hands gently warming up my bottom as I’m laying there unable to  do anything as my knickers are  adjusted to expose my bottom.

 Without warning I feel the first stroke land, I scream, squirm and sob  as with every stroke I feel the force of the paddle coming down. I do the spanky dance without realizing it, legs dancing off the floor but I am reduced to the powerlessness of a child  having  to take her spanking and the ever hotter feel of my bottom burning as it turns a deep shade of red but it never stops until she’s done with me.

 Eventually and equally without prior notice it stops and I am told to stand up where with no thought, I just put my arms around them thanking them  for spanking me and  agreeing my bottom needed it while I feel at that moment just like a real child punished by an aunt.

 A new bond is formed between  ‘child’ and grown up friend as immediately afterward we just get back to everything cos I’ve been forgiven, this is the past but I know it’ll happen again if I  mess up.

 Everything just felt natural, unforced coming into place and really this was one of the best experiences when it comes to disciplining me in  a way that is effective without confusing me.

Medicine for behaviour

What has been prescribed for me and appears to be working....

New year thoughts

I have a lot of things to think about this year like for example just how I slot my regressed life, having accepted I'll never truly be an adult around the edges of adults when it comes to getting the to understand I can never be them in a world where all to often only full adult needs are seen as those to meet.
I am working on being more upfront with people about my limitations when it comes to people may provide a service such as shops in the way I have with health professionals like doctors because there are things they can do to help and in some areas legally they are kinda meant to because the things that are difficult stem from my disabilities that I can't help.
Another thing dear reader is I NEED you to remind me that IF I don't want the spanking I WILL get for my attitudes and behaviour, then  I AM to change them because they ARE the consequences that arise from them.
That's because Nobody will accept my excuses from now on.

It's about time

Writing anything with quite a number of words in it isn't something I find easy as I find structuring things difficult actually but maybe it's time I tried to rise to the challenge?

 

One of big problems over the years has been around motivation, as in feeling very much inclined toward not doing anything without a grudging muttered insincere “I'll get around to that later, thanks” without finding the time to actually undertake the requested action.

 

I might know I agreed that but I just don't feel like getting around to it, preferring to do nothing but that which just amuses me instead like watching tv or spending hours online (and I mean hours-you should see my internet browser history logs!).

 

Months may pass and that request never gets dealt with no matter how many times the matter is raised. Again.

 

It's just the same when it comes to me wanting or needing to do things that are just about my needs such as keeping my own spaces tidy, getting around to buying things that need to be replaced, organizing things I need that involve others.

 

I just don't feel getting started on them so I don't resulting in me spending the reminder of my time fighting through items, hunting for item that are not so much lost but filed under M for mess or half expecting somebody to have gotten things organized for me as if by magic, getting mouthy when they're not.

 

I'm sure you'd think straight of the bat this reads like an entry from a teen but it's not although it's true much of this probably stems from that period which was very much disturbed with inter-family relationship issues some of which involved threats to call in the Police that left so many behavioural issues unchallenged cos nobody wanted to go there. And I had a stack of cards to play and know how to.

 

So much of this has been rumbling around even with reminders ever since, that having hit a bad spot recently, I felt open to trying to do something about given verbal reasoning is something that I either ignore or shout down and I needed something in which that just wasn't possible.

 

Seeing I'd been doing nothing preparing for the season even though I had plenty of time to do, so I came to the sobering thought that what I was in need of at that point was probably what I needed at the starting point of all this-a spanking.

 

Given I'm on my own, don't (can't) drive and live off the main public transportation network, this was going to have to be self delivered, would require me to not be inhibited in inflicting the swats and so I took out a paddle getting on with inflicting twenty  without flinching. 

 

It wasn't the easiest thing to have to do for me as it really hurt lasting for a few days(naturally I did check for undue soreness etc), feeling tearful afterward, however I have to say I have finally caught up now and am likely to stay on track as it has moved me more toward finally wanting to stop so many of these habits that impact on others apart from stopping me from being responsible.

 

As painful as it is to sit afterwards, it is what I deserved.

 

As for what next year brings, I can't guarantee but I'd like people to take those cards of mine I played to escape being accountable for my actions, rip them up and help me face up to my responsibilities.

 

It's about time.

Traditional Discipline Research Club

Calling cards are a wonderful thing...

Soto could so easily be me as what she so desires is what I want and need

The classroom

A traditional classroom with desks, sloping seat chairs with the teachers desk complete with bell. Tellingly for the era, the wooden paddle is hung next to it in full view of the whole class no doubt as a reminder to every child to behave.

Ready and waiting

Being in little headspace can mean and for some of us does mean we dress more little in pretty clothes with frills and bows while the rooms we may be in also have the sort of decoration you'd associate with a little or junior girl such as plushies and dollies.
Bedrooms are places that we do wait for our Caregivers  to come in give us our spankings so you might (and I have) waited on the bed with my skirt off  ready to be scolded and my knickers taken down for a paddling.
Naturally any Caregiver worth their salt will give you some great aftercare to help you through the emotional side as well as reassurance you are loved