Spanking therapy?

Been a bit of a busy weekend with Father's Day and what have you and so between the showers outside thoughts drifted to that thing which happens, the sometimes conflicted feelings and just what it is you get out of it beyond reinforcing a rule or lesson.

 

 

 

That was an interesting piece of research as I had noticed personally that there had been times where I felt much better in myself after a spanking whatever may of brought it on and any other part of a corrective process such as putting a situation right.

Obviously consideration has to be taken to ensuring any marks and that do heal up properly to avoid any injuries but it does make me wonder wither or not just being given a spanking if say I'm down in the dumps might not be a bad idea.

 

 Now that kind of order may just make this a "good spanking".

Any thoughts?

A message from Bertie

Another week that saw me redirect mail put through the wrong door in the spirit of Middle girl helpfulness down the sides of house, walking on gravel pathways covered from head to toe in hello kitty attire.

Yes, it's a crazy world I live in,eh? (lol) but couldn't be any other for this girl.

 Given the problems I've had very recently it's been very much a kinda hug your plushie regressive time of it all and so I thought Bertie would like to introduce himself.

"Hello Girls and Boys. My name is Bertie and I've bin living  with Jo fur two year but she never give me a page and I was born in Congleton but they toss me over Congleton edge so I ended up being adopted in Biddulph in  Staffordshire where they used to get black stuff called Coal from so I speaks with quite a strong North Staffordshire accent like she doesn't.

Mind you, she sounds like she's from South Staffordshire most of the time and gets mail from Alberta and Ontario!

I like the Autumn as everything turns the same colours as me but she don't call it that but she like this time of the year too.

The best thing about being a bear is the hugs, honest, as it makes us feel wanted and special.
Bye for now and be good.

Love, Bertie"

On relationships and life

While I was away this weekend an account of which can be found Here  I found myself thinking about the role of relationships in my life.
Relationships not least family ones have  played a negative part in my upbringing from distancing, not willing to get close to me or to encourage me to get closer, being more overly affectionate as well as a sense of suspicious  between family members that just corroded any meaningful sense of trust and security I ever had.
Living in a world where you always watched your back, where telephone conversations were bugged, people lurked behind doors listening in  and mail read took its toll on me even to the point I was writing or drawing stuff about it in my teens on correspondence and never kept a formal diary in case it was read which it would.
That's one of differences now cos I do but it's more online journalling it may be such as with my main blog an account of a day out or interests related or more about my moods and emotions cos it me understanding them and helps with having some record I can refer to.
One of the things that has altered for me now is how it is I am expected to co-operate and behave with other people and that's been a thing that's talked about here so when I was away I was expected to help with things such as setting the table, washing up and generally helping out.
I am also expected now to help in the kitchen with making whatever we are going to eat even if some tasks may be done for me because I am expected to use my abilities to contribute whatever my disabilities may prevent.
If I do something wrong that I know I shouldn't like trying to cut things on the top of the sink where I'd either mark it or risk injuring myself which I did, then I was spanked there and then for it to ensure I learn from it which I was
What I longed for as an adult little girl is the simple love and affection of a forever mother and father figure who will help me feel loved, wanted and secure so I can grow.
Was that too much to ask?
I think after thinking over how things have been not this weekends time spent with one who does looks after me the answer has to be no because they are actively engaged in making me grow, feeling secure but at same time prepared to discipline me.
It was and is what I truly needed.

Disability and middle life

While re-reading What Katy Did and typing up a review  I realized there were some bits around that which didn't really fit within the review proper and do touch on the politics of disability which is as you might imagine a somewhat contentious area.
I might as well start somewhere by saying for some people disability is acquired thing through illness or some sort of accident, for others it is from birth or early childhood and for some of us we actually have both. The original double jeopardy!
In fairly simple terms there are two ideas of what disability is  one being the rather traditional Medical Model that sees things as what it is the person lacks, sees medical science as providing the Cure to enable living in the able world. You're a problem to be fixed.
The other is the Social Model that while acknowledging the limitation sees it as the product of a Disabling World, where it's the way things as teaching, physical and attitudinal barriers to access, the narrowness of social norms as what disables you. You might have a condition but it's other people attitudes and actions that disable you.
These two sides have been slugging it out for over thirty years with disabled people, carers and those who try in various ways to help caught in the crossfire by various 'professionals'.
Going back to the novel itself a criticism made is the idea you have to positively angelic, almost saint-like, carrying your disability, compliant with how things are.
I think the thing that one has to remember is that was more the late nineteenth century general take on life - be glad of your lot, it could be worse - rather than specifically around how as a disabled person you should in some way change your whole persona.
I think what comes over is something different which is it is about accepting the changed life you have or have to live rather than to be absorbed, wallowing in self pity, to look at what you can do still and the opportunities that may give, making the most of it.
Some may take issue with term "God's School of Pain" used in the novel either from a non-religious angle or for the idea that our father-mother God would teach or otherwise cause a person to change their approach to life though such a traumatic episode in a persons life, feeling it is most unfair.
There is another idea on this which is more the idea you need to be, even are owed compensations from the remainder of society, being gifted opportunities not otherwise available to make up for your life restrictions.
Life is unfair. It is impossible to truly equalize your life and mine or any other disabled persons just by legislation nor is in our wider interest to pursue a line of "Jody can't walk, so she must have the best of everything anyone has to make up for not being able to" having seen a only too real pecking order between individual disabled people and professionals arguing about worthiness and who really is 'more' disabled to get given extras.
While a good argument can be made for providing support and removing barriers which in the novel wasn't explored such as living downstairs and any active therapy, everyday social norms that with more equalizing support at hand need to prevail.
If you study, then you should be expected to apply the same effort as any other student and for any award to reflect your own skills and ability.
You should be expected  to keep your spaces tidy not just for other people but for your own as it is hard for you to function when you can't find or get to what you need, wasting energy you may be short of. Equally if you do have to spend time recovering, then it you need to make it stimulating and pleasant not just so you feel better but it's nicer for anyone that may come to see you rather than austere with just medicines on display. We used to make or affix bright cheerful covers to the backs of our wheelchairs and decorate the arm rests so they were a reflection of us as it's just an extension that helped us get about.
You need to follow regular social conventions asking for and not demanding as of right things that may be of great benefit to you and to which they may be able supply just cos your disabled and you had bad life.
Being a contributor in society isn't  about money, it's about the social capital you invest, the feeling of being alive, the difference you make even you having and meeting the same sorts of responsibilities your non-disabled peers have even if it's sharing in chores.
As a disabled person you won't get everything you want even if you would benefit from it which may seem unfair but when you think about is just as much true for a good many other people who also would of benefited from similar help or opportunities in their lives.
We all have to adjust to these things and in the final analysis, we all need to see what we have, our opportunities, our talents even in changed circumstances and learn to be grateful (not to be confused with mindlessly cheerful) for what we have as the sure fire route to lose the people who can help is not just being too demanding but bad company too.
For what it is worth I feel while both models of disability  have elements of truth they ought not to be seen as competing  because as a person you are more than just a person who lacks certain abilities and you yourself have to recognize their are limits to what people and groups can do to mitigate that.
The problem with saying I have special needs so you need to treat me differently because I can't help being me is that any society needs commonly accepted standards for all to preserve  social cohesion and granting us special rights over those does undermine that.
It has a lot to with the issues people are helping me with personally because it does lead to you not just disengaging with things you could do but the idea everything is for anyone else but you, that ticks off people so in time people disengage with you.
For us to get along ultimately we have to be prepared to follow and learn your rules not impose our own.

Two steps forward and one step back

This week I messed up pretty badly although across the range I hadn't been doing too badly at all even getting the blogs out on time and the English work I was set on Friday for this weekend done in very good time.

What happened was I woke up one night with my mind whirling ten to the dozen which wouldn't of been so bad other for being a little after three in the morning and having had little really deep sleep before, I grabbed my computer and went online not stopping until a quarter to eight when I went downstairs for breakfast.

I was okay for a bit but by Ten I was starting to feel really off, not really alert and even yawning struggling to find the energy to eat so I had to rest for the reminder of that day. 

This resulted in me getting twelve swats from the hairbrush and quite a lecture on the importance of getting a good nights sleep in which really stung which was really the point behind this as it had been eighteen months or so since I did anything like this and they didn't want me to revert to the bad habits I had back then.

Some people might think just talking about the issues at an intellectual level would work but with me it simply doesn't not least because there's a large time lag between what you may say and the time any of its significance going in and when it does it gets jumbled up badly.

One other thing is guilt which I was talking to a few friends in similar situations about this week, which is if you just rely on either trying and usually failing to talk me though what went wrong and agree some actions or decide just to sidestep it as it won't do any good, then over time as bits start to make their way toward where my thought processing brain parts are, I begin to feel very ashamed and guilty to the point it pulls down everything I need to do and even sends me down the path of feeling useless and dreading being with people spiralling to point of avoiding contact.

For me spanking gets your message through better and much quicker enabling me to be 'reset', given some guidance and returned to something like normality which is much less harmful to me than anything else. 

It's enabled me to feel able to be with groups of people knowing if I do mess up, someone will deal with it in a way that works for me, helping me follow everyone else's rules and expectations better. And it has.

Littleness, regresssion and age-play

As ever on Tumblr there's a battle going on between people over what being a little is and any involvement of those under 18 in it however as ever there is more heat than light being generated by the keyboard warriors with many meme's and posts being put up and commented on.
This one is quite well intentioned in trying to explain the difference between age-playing and what emotionally appropriate behaviour that comes from being in actual state of regression where your responses come from the child within and less than any kind of scripted character you play.

 I do feel they have however got Little Space actually quite wrong because that is the emotional and behavioural environment  that as  a person who has regressed you have got into - you feel and so respond as that child - and not the act of being a little.
To get into it it is true you need to regress or otherwise release that child within an adult body or if you are like me not to have developed into it fully anyway.
There are some who are trying to put in a schism between the ChIRes advocates of littleness by regression and that of Caregiver/littles who are being characterized as a part of of the more 'adult' bsdm side.
For  me the whole point in a CG/l relationship is effectively that while in that headspace the Caregiver is providing the love, nurturing and support that is the equal of a parent or guardian arising from those needs as their little you have.
It is not necessarily sexual although some may enjoy that however meeting any sexual needs may find themselves which might be only in their 'Big' side of life.
They are not so much opposites degrees in which individuals chose to live their lives making informed decisions recognizing as appropriate the issues of informed consent as the bottom line always is that as adults legally only we can consent-minors regardless of any other feelings simply cannot deemed the responsibility of others such as parent(s) or guardians.

Emotions

One of the great things about the Disney movie Inside Out was how it showed the emotions Riley experienced clearly and how that impacted on her attitude and behaviour clearly identifying them
Identifying our emotions is actually quite hard for some of us which does lead into other problem areas such as being able to tell people how we feel and also regulate them as it's as if you have two states, full on or squashed.

 *Picture source vox.com
Actually although this chart was done for the movie, it is surprisingly helpful for those of who have these problems because you can easily tell where the overlapping of base emotions  lead  as they are clearly labelled so you can better thing through for yourself what you're feeling and communicate it to significant people in your life so they understand what you're feeling being better able to guide you managing the resulting emotions and behaviour you exhibit.
Learning to manage them is important.

I guess I'm different

This is an extra bit to the World of Joanne_chan entry of July 4th 2016 Summer Day Out
If part of the reason for being away for a day was to avoid the stress and life sucking nature of post Brexit political fall out which had left me feeling really quite flat and a bit edgy there were others things too.
One is it provide me an opportunity to see how what I have learnt  since the rule book with me was changed with having people such as my caregiver providing a lot of support, teaching coping mechanisms to deal with stressful situations, understanding more of how my behaviour impacts on others and how spanking me is leading to changed attitudes since that came back into my life.
Without a shadow of a doubt  being on the streets on a Saturday using stores  is a one of the most stressful things for me most of which are related to things such as my poor co-ordination which shows in weaving between crowds, my dyslexia when it comes to reading and finding items in space, my audio processing disorders making out what is said especially with background noises.
Also my learning/developmental disabilities come in  such as not understanding what it is that I'm being told, what it means, feeling lost 'freezing over' at the counter requiring to be prompted and treated more like a child generally.
I am still having some freezing with two assistants asking if I was okay but with their help we got through this. I also felt able enough to deal with questions and attempts to sell me other things by turning them down but politely rather than either just going along with it cos I so wanted to leave the store signing anything or getting very  cross with them.
I found some people who could help me with crossing the road on my own without pelican crossings because I have poor road sense and even with them I get scared in case cars don't stop.
I'm also not good with directions, getting lost easily.
You see I am different. I am a child-like adult who needs to be treated more that way given support to be be as independent I can and still subject to child-like rules and structures.
When you do that, I have a better life than if you pretended I was 'normal' as if I had no more needs than any regular adult.

"You have the right to the consequences for your own actions"

The complimentary post to this one:A weekend away

That was close to the scene I experienced, Sunday but not featuring a broken object but rather a wet floor when I went to pick up a hot drink and spilled a bit of it on the floor.
It wasn't that I don't have problems picking cups up because I do but because I didn't pay sufficient attention to how I was holding it and apart from the mess that I had to clean up, had it of landed on me, then I'd of scolded myself.
That is why I got a relative light hand spanking on the spot over my underwear  to underscore the consequences of my actions, not either a hard one or no spanking at all, just enough to impress on me the importance of being careful with hot drinks.
I am very grateful for being spanked for this.
The other thing about the period I was away was  I had to help out, doing the dishes, setting the table, assisting with gardening and even putting the washing out to dry as I was informed I  have  to "earn my keep".
I cannot just turn up and expect people to do things for me anymore so much as from now on I have to be responsible and take a share of what needs to be done as that is a house rule for me to follow.
This was not something I had much of in the past being ushered away from anything 'domestic' and usually in the kitchen but is to change.

Daddy's girl

Just been getting things ready to visit a adult who I'll stay with for two and a bit days which involves finding my travel stuff like my washbag and my clothes which are generally what they wish me to be in when in their company as the 'child' they look after.

 Having done quite a bit of that I'm just lying across the bed relaxing a bit before I eat and thinking about about this life of mine .
It's quite a bit different than it was several years back because in so many ways I'm  back to where I was as a competent child whose special needs are being dealt with by Daddy, who is in touch with me across each day making sure I'm alright, not feeling troubled because he cares enough to check.
My daddy talks with me most nights before sleep about the day so I have a proper bedtime routine and when he judges I am feeling tired he makes sends me to bed straight away with  with bedtimes kisses.
I have this emotional intimacy with him as his girl who he cares for in way I've never had  before trusting him to help me make decisions  and equally I show my love for him by taking an interest in his life, health and work.
I love my daddy so much I want to obey him as daddy's girl subject to his loving correction.
The one thing I know for sure is I am truly fortunate to have daddy that loves and protects me as his own.

Final study weekend

The weekend brought on more work on my English looking at how different strucures go with different types of written work plus thing are described  and characters compared and contrasted. My Math work involved looking at ratio, portions, units and basic muliplication with division.
 Hmm as you’d prolly guess I was threatened with a spanking if I didn’t at least start on Long Multiplication and Division (no, not the diversion on the A461!) as I was starting to get stroppy which as you guys know is a bit of problem of mine when I didn’t want to do something I need to cos it’s not that stuff isn’t hard, I just don’t wanna try half the time so I make things harder for me and that’s why I’m dealt with very strictly from now on.
This kinda approach may not  everyones cup of tea but undermines what a Caregiver type relationship comes down to, You as the Caregiver are a Parental Authority Figure working with and Enforcing what we’ve agreed to help me as your Middle make the most of my abilities and cracking down on attitudes of mine that self sabotage my becoming more mature is a part of that.
During the weekend I was checked on by BFF so I had direct support across that period from someone who’s in the similar situation as I as we have many conditions in common and sadly the same attitudes, encouraging me to keep going as I did for her. This mutual support is really helping.

On Middles and Littles

 Seeing this blog is experiencing an increasing number of people reading it and a number of people do tend to ask questions at sites, leave comments  or messages I thought I would devote a new entry around what being a Middle is about.
First off, when we're talking about Middles as with Littles were emphatically not talking about what society at large calls children, those whose age from date of birth makes them a Minor and so both precludes them Adult responsibility and protects them by making illegal and providing recourse from any Adult who takes advantage of them in areas such as employment but more critically from sexual exploitation.
We ARE talking about legal adults who have in common the same sort of headspace as children but are both able to consent to Adult matters and do have under the law and societal custom, legal and social rights and responsibilities so are employed or study, are expected to 'pay their way' and face Adult accountability such as losing a job due to conduct or being sent to prison.
In general terms Littles and Middles notwithstanding what they need to do studying or at work, pursue hobbies and interests that  are routed very much in their own experiences in 'childhood'  coming from their 'Inner Child' often with the same intensity and passion that you'd think it was that' child' playing.
Sometimes you may play, draw or maybe colour by yourself or you may meet with others who share the same sense of being 'forever a child' in that sense be it around peoples own homes or by meeting up at venues which are often discrete as unfortunately sometimes families and employers getting completely the wrong idea either disown you or find some reason to fire you not least in some 'sensitive' posts and that's before we bring in the Tabloid press.
For some it begins and ends with just 'the play' for others it may extend into dressing more like the age of the 'child within' while do so with say dresses that wouldn't be far removed  from that of a young girl at a party or play clothes like dungarees or for some of us school wear (and in the UK at least school wear is very much associated with childhood in the form of formal uniforms).
Definitions isn't a game I play lightly not least as often people disagree over exactly where the lines are and my personal feelings are they do have a crossover point if one accepts that the 'classic' little girl is a year older than UK Infant starting age, that's to say around Six then while Juniors ends at 11 or 12 which is the absolute cut off, in practise at around10 plus the gap widens when it comes to the type of play, increasingly sophisticated interests and language so marking the Middle out from his/her peers and continues on to around 13/14 when they become teens moving into be more 'adult-like' and seen as Older Children which we associate more with high school as move toward further education or employment (We lack an fully accepted term  in the wider world  of 'adult littles' for that 14 1/2 thru 17 headspace with some pushing Middle up to 17).
Getting back that 'child within' then if he or she comes out more in tune with Tweens or young Teens then personally I'd say the were an Adult (cos the law says so) Middle even if for some reason they still had a more classic little side which for I do, not least due to multiple disabilities some which do lead to learning and developmental ones.
That is why I identify as a Middle rather as a Little which doesn't mean I can't join in and play with littles at all it's that simplier there are other interest that aren't normally in there while we do share a need for oversight in our lives.

The return of spanking in my life

Something started to happen just before the end of 2014 and really got going the following New Year and that was I had a Caregiver come into my life because to be very honest with you all I was struggling with chunks of my behaviour and attitudes not just to other people although that was bad enough but also they were really messing me up and I couldn’t stop it.

 So we discussed it and eventually worked out what I needed help in doing, what in me had to change and (and this is the big bugbear with that one person) just how all of this was to be enforced having consented to it.
Hidden behind a euphemism or two used elsewhere, it was agreed I am to be spanked for deliberate breaches of the rules we agreed to help my behaviour be they about taking personal responsibility in my domestic life like helping out, getting to bed at my bed time (cos I have one now), not dealing with important matters, bad language (it may surprise you but I can swear!) and not following through any assignments I am set by them.

So the year is been one where my smalls have been lowered and I’ve been spanked quite a bit by hand, hairbrush or paddle for breaches of the rules and, without naming names, other trusted people are doing likewise when I’m with them to help me change.

As an Adult in my life, You are to bend me, pull my knickers down and get on with the job of inflicting pain on my bottom, turning it red, making me tearful to reform my attitudes and behaviour. By doing so you are making me accountable and not before time making me grow up which I badly need.
This has been a major change in my life as outside of school or the odd playmates parents, I seldom got any meaningful discipline at all and that was like eons ago so learning to go over a knee and let my bottom be spanked, well it made me feel very little pretty much the middle in my school uniform.
For the first time in ages I was actually submitting to authority rather than telling it to eff off!!!
There’s no way anyone can say being spanked doesn’t hurt because that’s the entire point of it, it is meant to be unpleasant but I have really have adapted to it and the rituals, finding it comforting while at the same time it has had the necessary effect of deterring me from a good number things that are bad for me like using the internet to past three in the morning which earned me the biggest spanking of my life and -touch wood- has stopped that stone dead as it needed to be.
You see, for me (and everyone’s different), spanking is very good when combined with one on one practical support in helping me grow up, take more care of my own welfare and be responsible that other approaches tried in the past never achieved.

My schoolwork

One thing I can well recall from when I went to school was there was often some tension around at least the presentation of any work I did at least as compared to any other child in the form and especially if any of it was going to be graded for National Examinations in my teens.

It's safe to say my work looked nothing like theirs with neatly drawn columns and tidy handwriting.
It's not that I don't have problems in holding a pen (it is sadly worse now due to acquired industrial injuries) and controlling fine movements because I do and they're in my Ataxia and link to two elements of Dyslexia because it is very true. Not being able to spell makes making notes difficult and forgetting what ten words back the teacher said doesn't help.
The real problem was that mainly I was in too much of rush to get it finished and didn't care about how my work looked so long at the time at least I 'knew'  what was there and what it said which often excused rather than being given a bit more help to reach everyone else's level.
A few teachers were a good deal stricter on it, not least my Geography Mistress who wasn't averse to spanking me if I didn't come up to standard without a good reason but most weren't.
After leaving school and getting a job which it had to be said I didn't really slot into, this started to become quite an issue with people I had to make hand written notes out for them not being able to read so I was called into a meeting with a Training Advisor and my Supervisor where they decided I HAD to spend ten to fifteen minutes of each workday at work practising my handwriting and handing it for marking each week and that was it.
My handwriting while suffering from an injury in the  early 1990's that can lead to me being unable to write at all is much better than when I left school and this whole episode is a good example of why being strict with me is honestly the best attitude for you to have toward me.
You need to have higher expectations than some of those in my past had for me and be prepared to make me work toward them.

Helping me learn

Looking back at things, it's possible to see how some of my behaviours started, becoming firmly entrenched.

Take dealing with tasks for instance. Let's be honest and say I have having difficulties in both the understanding of the nature of the task itself I'm asked to produce and any stages that are necessary to do it.

There are a number of way people try to deal with it.

The first is simply called you do it for me which might happen cos you feel sorry for me, I might actually be incapable of it but more often than not it's because you're feeling inpatient with me having to explain things and generally supervising.

You start to raise your voice and in the past you may well of called me names plus if you'd of been a teacher humiliated me in front of the class.

You'd just sooner just get it done to fit your time.

Another way might involved working out what I need to get better at and work on each bit, gradually bringing it together, coaching me. This may take time and a lot of encouragement as I easily get upset and feel like giving up but leaves me with something useful I can do.

Quite often that's what so-called Professionals have tried only to find little active support at home.

As crazy as it may sound I was effectively barred from the kitchen until I was 18 because I didn't know what to do even though I had been taught a bit of basic cookery at school. You'd of thought that would of encouraged but my folks have this way of doing things or rather not doing expecting you to just start things from nowhere with no support, questioning why you should even try.

So it's hardly surprising in time my stock response to seeing something that needed to be done was one of “What's that to do with me” or “I don't know how” if asked to help with looks of exasperation .

And when it came to dealing with criticism about how I might do something I learned not to avoiding it because that was more acceptable than trying cos I wouldn't be supported.

I acted like I didn't exist.

If didn't know what to do in an activity, I'd just deke out missing out on valuable activities although I did feel confident to draw in one and do a craft kit recently while with friends

That's one reason why even being set a exercise to study something and make a short report can be good idea because if you set me the task, provide encourage and guidance to make the effort but punishment for not trying, it can help to change a cycle of behaviour that might be comfortable routine but doesn't help me at all.

I can be trained to try.

Year Zero for Jo

So 2014 has been and gone.
New years usually lead to talk of New Year Resolutions and goals and for me this year it's gonna be different 

Because my behaviour and attitudes are causing problems for me and especially to others, this week marks the first in the year where a combination of age-play, caregiver/little relationships and strict corporal punishment are coming into my life.
Something needs to happen with and TO me to move me on as for years I have failed to leaving me neither a fully independent mature adult nor a responsible child leaving me stuck in the worst of all worlds.
This Christmas, I had to buy new paddle for my Mentor  to be used on me from now on to keep me on track.

.
I'm on an accountability program with a Mentor where I have to submit reports connected that that weeks aims.
My stack of cards not least the disability one has been removed from the pack I could play or count on others letting me of for although any physical restrictions on what I may be to do will be respected.
If I fail it's gonna strike my bared ass making it all red, blustered and stinging hard for days as attempt to sit down as a long reminder of my poor behaviour and to help cure me of my motivational issues and there's the possibility of a clothes brush or slipper too.
I'm going to given these:

There is a agreed 'roll back' where He will have authority over me and I shall be junior Jo with him, required to present in my uniform to him, be scolded and have my bottom bared by him just like a child with no real authority.

I am the naughty child and He's the adult who is going to hold me accountable for my bad behavior. I  will have no say in the matter. No control over my punishment  as he will determine it from what we've agreed before. All I can do is accept the painful consequences wishing I had done better.  

 It's intended to be painful, embarrassing and unpleasant for me to teach me right from wrong and that there are consequences for naughty behaviour.

It's all set out in a contract  with all the sanctions and even the possibilities of extra paddling if I get three sanctions in a row although there are rewards in there too as my mentor would sooner reward me if my behaviour justifies it.

This year is not going to be the same as last year or the years before because I am to be  spanked just like a naughty child in a firm  consistent parental style he recognizes I need.
It will be a hard unpleasant year where I will have to adapt to the same sorts of rules and expectations as everyone else, I will have to learn to change the behaviour that will earn me my spanking because it is ME that has to change, not you or the rest of society.

I Understand. There Will be NO GOING BACK. You WILL spank my bottom whenever You feel the need to from now on.
It's why far from feeling sorry for me wanting to spare me this, you need to be encouraging and supporting me to change to be as responsible as you and reminding me I have choices that bring me consequences.

A slight matter of correction II

Spanking for me was last mentioned briefly in my Mid teens when I did say I preferred over it all other ways of disciplining me as they messed my head up more.
In the great  passing of time minus any really planned ways, much of stuff around personal conduct and rules short of say burning the house down was not really discussed so much as just drifted apart.

This would of been okay if for the fact that I was and do live at home and connected very much with what has in many ways left me very much developmentally an adult-child who while not being totally destructive or in any way abusive, not only lacks some ‘life skills’ but am disrespectful at times, lacking in self discipline so not doing important stuff sorting out bills and isn’t expected because of previous habits and parental attitudes to help in the home that also may help if I was to live more independently. I struggle very much without rules and guidelines being in place.

In many respects I have more in common with the very mid teen of that entry who can get a handful and the odd time in the recent past the only way Mom could stop me tailspinning if we were out was a discrete firm smack on my bottom.

If one was to have imagined a 12 to 14 year old me from back then, then the girl in this picture would of been it with longish smooth face and slim frame.

 I wrote a few entries back on the main blog in December 2014 about how my little sides presentation was changing from its early form including school uniform and how from now on that side would involve the wearing of a pinafore dress and 'proper’ blouse more like upper junior and junior high.

It’s also the case that wearing it indicates being subject to rules and unless there’s a good reason not to, then I am to wear my uniform because I am to be receiving individual guidance to change my attitudes around getting things done, keeping my space tidy, respecting my parents and doing the sorts of things a teen is expected to at home such as chores now.

Also like the child in the picture and a good number of teens I will be held to account much more for when I let myself and my folks down and this will include having my bottom spanked for infractions from now on.

Looking very much how with that drifting apart of old agreement of sorts and the problems the absence of any replacements and the difficulties I have in dealing with verbal chastisement, losing track of what’s said and being more and more stressed so in many ways it fails to curb my behaviour, I have agreed to be spanked because I can cope with that much better and it is works better in changing my attitudes and behaviour although it hurts.

Having to take my punishment with my knickers taken down, feeling every painful stroke, in tears is very much what I need.

I’m a long way from being good  functioning as an 'legal’ adult struggling with everyday tasks and social norms and have made my peace with it and this guidance with the non cp and cp punishment is its outcome.

In 2015, then, Joanne, an adult little school girl  will have childhood rules and having her bottom spanked restored to help her be more mature. I understand it isn’t everyone's idea but I feel it is the best way to help me make these overdue changes that will improve my life by being more mature and co-operative while providing the support I need.

Being dressed as a middle

Sometimes I wonder what would really happen if everybody knew I dressed like a little girl.
Would they look at you with two heads, may be refuse to speak to you or otherwise be spoken of in whispers or is it that actually they're ok really with it?
I'm inclined to think most of the time it's a "I'm okay, you're okay" standoff where everybody just holds back on verbalizing how they feel so it's just little game society plays especially after one group of people outed me only to find everyone I knew just wasn't bothered wanting me in roles that involved interacting with others who just may of heard something.
While the experience wasn't good and sure, those people shouldn't of done what did, in one way they did me a favour- they forced my little adult little girl out into the open as they saw how I dressed including pictures.
Today I no longer deny this side of me at all

Was there something I was meant to do?

 

A feeling I'm very familiar with as I easily get sidetracked away from what it is meant to  be looking up or doing into something else and find I've run out of time which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't that others are relying  on me and I flunked it.

Idealism vs Reality

Of course it was really meant to be just like this.
A studious Jo, sat with the required books to write her essays and other homework on  with a clock and absolutely no distractions at all.
Just getting on with what practically every school girl is expected to so you'd get at least a C grade for effort and getting the basics right.
Do you really think that happened i real life?
*See the May 23rds entry!