Bitter-sweet

It is a warm start to what will be a very warm day having woken up early to get a few chores done and then have to wait on the honey bees gathering nectar just where the waste bin is to finish their thing before putting it out.

Last night I was watching a tv show on the BBC presented by Chris Packham, the noted environmentalist around ADHD and its impact from childhood to adult life to the point one Woman recently diagnosed in her late 40's was effectively dependent on her children to keep her on track with appointments, family tasks .

it was interesting to see also how in early childhood especially at school age, the start of negative self images and becoming isolated creeping in.

What people call executive functioning is something I am aware I struggle with although unlike many on that show it is less lots of different idea balloons you're doing a  flip-flopping balancing act with so much as not knowing where to start and fear of "blank paper" that leads to paralysis.

That had quite a bit to do with "And where is your homework?" conversations as a child although later on I did quite well with supported open learning in later years probably cos I could create a framework that ensured I got the hours per week and the exercise completed for marking rather trying to fit in someone else's.

Dyslexia is more my major intellectual disability coupled with acquired brain damage with things like having five word memory recall which messes up dictation, very poor short term memory  coupled  associated issues with calculus and sequencing.

The lack of support at the time meant by the time I'd left formal education I just felt I couldn't really learn anything and lacked any confidence  just just further messed things up (and that's before gender issues come in).

It's taken a lot of work and generally remapping things to get to the point of being able to work with ideas and changed situations.

Oh Miss Manners

As I'm typing this, I'm not feeling great to be honest and perhaps it might be a better thing to rest but I'll get that done in a few minutes as this blog doesn't write itself unfortunately.

I did talk on Monday on the other blog a bit about what bugs me about some folks ideas around how as a girl you *should* look and that so I don't really want to repeat but in essence I'm a modern more free spirited  girl who doesn't see why the question should be "And can I do this as a Girl" or "Is that okay for girls?".

We've all moved on from that gender divided nonsense cos we're just girls, being girls. End of.

I did see last weeks post seemed to generate a lot of reads and yes comments - why doesn't that surprise me? - but that's just a posted routed in reality of a real life experience not a fantasy and I like reality to be routed in just that.

I don't mind writing about such events tastefully but they're not going to be every week  or even every month so I'll  continue to write about other things often around emotions and feelings here I think as I prefer to work "from the heart" and less to expectation.

BFN.

Uniform revision?

Last week was rather different in that the prospect of a day of lessons prior to another event had been raised and to which I had agreed

I have a skirt very much like this although at the moment I was required to get although I was offered a tie  although a n other needed to fasten it form me as the person running things is shall we say "old-fashioned" and doesn't believe in clip on ties plus white school blouse.

That takes me to this, a classic 11 plus look I recall from my own childhood complete with ties as junior and senior school children are expected to wear and fasten their own with only some combined infant/juniors having a common uniform across all ages from rising 5's to 11+ insisting on either white or navy long socks be worn.

Also my knickers were specified - nothing remotely "adult" just old school full knickers to match my navy skirt.

Until a few years ago it wasn't unknown for me to be on the receiving end of the odd bit of discipline in a more everyday context although with covid and that things had dropped off.

At a site I've seen and been talking with people including two I know more around school days and especially discipline and I think something like this girls look may be it and perhaps while I often thought more in terms of thinks like hand spanking, the slipper, ruler and paddle how would I feel about caning coming back and what if I had to hold and present it the person who was to cane me?

I had ever done only experienced the odd very mild physical punishment in actual school during the period where it was being phased out and had never attended any kind of an adult school session in the way some do, booking weekends and being "in role", this school day was something new.

We did some Mathematics (aka Math/maths) covering imperial measurements which is not something being metricated I found easy with all the conversions and different forms, science where we looked at how Lava Lamps work, English comprehension and grammar and observation. which I was better at although truth be told being dyslexic, having less than five word memory retention and put in remedial classes for some subjects I did better on.

Being the poorest in the group in individual tests did mean being bent over the desk for a spanking in front of the class but what was more surprising was apart from the familiar feel of your skirt being raised over my back and folded in, I felt a hand around the waist of my navy knickers and felt them being pulled down in full view of everyone.

I was being bare bottom spanked with brisk firm strokes of the paddle loud sounds of it landing on my skin, gritting ones teeth as I felt each stroke before they decided to pull my knickers up and skirt diwn before returning to my own desk.

It was incredible to experience a punishment that was tailored to add humiliation into the mix so directly particularly as the person concerned hadn't really shown much interest in going beyond over knickers before.

While it remains painful, it was a great experience.

Easter: not as planned

 

Art by @lapincharm

This weekend I should be away for a few days a sort of Easter weekend a week after the event thing recruiting something we'd of loved when officially at least we were younger having got the arrangements made.

Easter as in the official one was okay with Easter Cards and a couple of white chocolate eggs as they do suit me better from the point of view of not feeling sick or getting headaches that always plagued childhood easter and christmas's.

Unfortunately the best laid plans were somewhat messed up by receiving information regarding a child to whom I am a named Aunt to getting in extremely serious potentially liberty depriving offences and being arrested (The exact nature I'd sooner not go into) .

The Grump informes me Tuesday he had no sleep his mind continuing to mull over it thinking about how it all came to be, what if things may of been different,  what did he do "wrong" even to the point of what would might get him off.

Well for one thing professionally I cannot think of a single reason why he should "get off" given the damage to other peoples lives and for another with being on the receiving end of these types of crimes personally I find it deeply traumatic to be mithered about this stuff.

Where is my sounding board dealing with the emotions this is bringing back for me???

Discourse and social media

 

So it's wednesday, no tuesday when I'm typing this out after watching a few you tube videos thinking through some things, while not central to the contents had caught the attention to those who left comments.

There are major issues in the world that are impacting on all of us in different ways supply issues in the shops, not least food shops, the impact of tariffs introduced by the United States, the War in Ukraine, talks about the border of the United States, annexing Canada (Boo, hiss!) and Greenland and so on.

Some say you shouldn't refer however fleeting to such things but art and travelogues seldom can exist outside of the context of the times - tariffs will affect imported records and books in the U.S. and tourism so you can struggle to avoid them.

Perhaps you might remember the brochures for holidays in the then USSR that always had you closely followed by Intourist guides that often were linked to the security services (one reason we were "barred" by Government from going given the grumps ahem "work"). 

No way were you going to allowed to travel independently there!

Most of us draw a distinction between criticizing an administration, ruling party, Prime Minister for those of  us fortunate to have the Westminster System of government or President and that of individual citizens members of forums and the like.

We understand you may not support whatever is going on, may not have voted for those responsible but that doesn't mean where it is relevant we shouldn't be able to express how we feel on the topic, not directing it at you personally.

The originals of the Help! problem

 

Dealing with situations that I am struggling in has always been difficult but seeing a post by a very close friend recently rather brought into focus just what makes them so and this week I'm looking at that.

H.E.L.P!

That means trouble in my language as two things tended to happen when I struggled which I guess we all do at times.

The first was the school I went to had a considerable amount of disabled children, mainly physically and there was a drive very much around independence and self reliant, frequently excessively so that you'd be called out all the time time with statements such as "There's no such thing as can't ", "No One's going to do it for you", "No, don't help them, they've go to figure it out for themselves" directed at anyone who even offer.

It didn't help that it was an era where autism and dyslexia were seen as excuses for non compliance and willfully paying no attention so you got no special support only threats of corporal punishment for not following the norms and being useless at spelling and math.

Because of that any offers tended to given to others they thought HAD needs and you were purposefully shamed.

In time you learned to never be seen to ask for assistance and if you know something was coming up either avoid it or plow on regardless of the fact you were getting nowhere fast.

Thus Help! equalled shame and more.

Now I did hurt my wrist badly recent at a littles get together and we had a baking session so needless to say I was struggling to make pastry the rolling was excruciatingly painful when a organizer had to say "It's okay to ask for help" before I felt able to accept someone helping me complete the task that was necessary.

I can see how all of those bad experiences shaped my reactions even as they get in the way of trying to do more and I need to learn to accept help and understand today I won't be attacked and shamed for it.

Sticking up ears edition

In all the reverberating past presently I'm going through something came to mind that I hadn't shared here.

 Actually for what passes as my formative years, and across two properties we lived in, we had rabbits, you know, pet rabbits, not the sort your butcher may stock. 

They were generally grey rabbits.

Our first property had a fair sized garden so outside of the burrow, they had quite long run and play escaping soldiers in. The amount of times Dad had to go find them doesn't bear thinking about!

Our second properties gardens weren't so good being a Mews development, so the went run in the rear which was a bit better and as far as I can recall they didn't seem to escape so often but I don't if its we'd gotten more wise making it harder for them to escape of if they were more docile.

Rabbits always remind  me of spring and of renewal which at this difficult  time seems an apt thought.

We did get away to a picnic marking the ten years since Lillian left this earth in still troubling circumstances as enjoyed being about in a blue plaid skirt and tights which was probably as well as it got a bit bitter later on.

It also transpired in real life role playing school was a possibility from time to time very much the way you remembered so there may be the odd post around that from time to time on this blog.