Uniform revision?

Last week was rather different in that the prospect of a day of lessons prior to another event had been raised and to which I had agreed

I have a skirt very much like this although at the moment I was required to get although I was offered a tie  although a n other needed to fasten it form me as the person running things is shall we say "old-fashioned" and doesn't believe in clip on ties plus white school blouse.

That takes me to this, a classic 11 plus look I recall from my own childhood complete with ties as junior and senior school children are expected to wear and fasten their own with only some combined infant/juniors having a common uniform across all ages from rising 5's to 11+ insisting on either white or navy long socks be worn.

Also my knickers were specified - nothing remotely "adult" just old school full knickers to match my navy skirt.

Until a few years ago it wasn't unknown for me to be on the receiving end of the odd bit of discipline in a more everyday context although with covid and that things had dropped off.

At a site I've seen and been talking with people including two I know more around school days and especially discipline and I think something like this girls look may be it and perhaps while I often thought more in terms of thinks like hand spanking, the slipper, ruler and paddle how would I feel about caning coming back and what if I had to hold and present it the person who was to cane me?

I had ever done only experienced the odd very mild physical punishment in actual school during the period where it was being phased out and had never attended any kind of an adult school session in the way some do, booking weekends and being "in role", this school day was something new.

We did some Mathematics (aka Math/maths) covering imperial measurements which is not something being metricated I found easy with all the conversions and different forms, science where we looked at how Lava Lamps work, English comprehension and grammar and observation. which I was better at although truth be told being dyslexic, having less than five word memory retention and put in remedial classes for some subjects I did better on.

Being the poorest in the group in individual tests did mean being bent over the desk for a spanking in front of the class but what was more surprising was apart from the familiar feel of your skirt being raised over my back and folded in, I felt a hand around the waist of my navy knickers and felt them being pulled down in full view of everyone.

I was being bare bottom spanked with brisk firm strokes of the paddle loud sounds of it landing on my skin, gritting ones teeth as I felt each stroke before they decided to pull my knickers up and skirt diwn before returning to my own desk.

It was incredible to experience a punishment that was tailored to add humiliation into the mix so directly particularly as the person concerned hadn't really shown much interest in going beyond over knickers before.

While it remains painful, it was a great experience.

Checking up

 Yes we're almost into spring and a day off exiting the month so I'm looking at all the orders and pre-orders to check up on anything that hasn't come as I soon forget after just encountering the cycling proficiency mob at the local school going through that rite of pass perhaps you remember too.

Well I didn't- hell girl I was doing well to be standing upright for more than thirty odd seconds without losing my balance - but your BFF did with all that looking, signalling and that as they cycled into school and more while playing.

One thing I noticed hasn't arrived is a Brown skirt I ordered that really is more a school skirt not that brown tends to be that popular a choice these days - plaid seems to have crept in rather more.

After I'm sure the post has been as they do parcels of which I am expecting one I'll have to send a message as they bought postage and tracking but it doesn't appear to have entered the system (they scan items on) and a good ten days has elapsed.

While I want the item if it's lost, a refund would be appreciated.

Jo and the Aunt (fiction)

Halloween is coming up and indeed I'll be away this weekend which creates all manner of blogging challenges but anyway picture the scene.

You didn't get on that well with your Aunt, perhaps she tended to remind you about your manners rather more than you cared to hear, to get into the chair properly so you din't flash your knickers or pull your falling down pereline socks for the seventh hundred time

Seeing it was halloween, you thought to yourself you'd get your own back on the Olde Witch and sneaked up on the 31st with this massive spider and put it right in her front garden knowing she goes all in a faff if she just sees a small garden spider in the bathroom.

She wakes up screaming and phones your Mom who just happened to find your tablet on the very Amazon page that carried a entry for it so she calles you down and orders you to show her the Orders page.

 

Right there in front of her it shows YOU did order it and when asked why you just have to tell the truth lest you get in even more trouble.

Your aunt is called over later on the day to witness you confess that but it wasn't all now was it?

No, while only the three of you are in, you are ordered to  bend over you mothers knee for a spanking, feeling her hand folding the back of your gymslip over your back as she begins to take a hard slipper to your bottom before inviting your aunt to pull your knickers down and spank you some more too.

This Halloween is one you'll never ever forget where you paid a high price for your naughty prank.

Being 'there'

Sometimes you just might wonder why things happened the way they did.

That was one thought I was left with just listening to various people as they talked about their lives and experiences in completely random way with no real script or anything not that I usually do much of that and today I'm reflecting on something happened a few years ago.

I mean the only time I really talked much would of been the first week at my boarding school where Miss Howes asked me to speak about myself to the class, most of which had known each other for at least several months probably because of believing my family life was just so embarrassing with no real "small talk" and in part cos I felt much younger than most of the class.

It was kind of odd to feel able to share something that was actually about rather than of me and that was I had done something for the first time albeit with supervision.

I had managed to make cakes.

Truthfully the way things were at home, you might as well of put up "Keep Out" signs on the kitchen cos that was off limits when it came do doing anything at all like fixing a hot drink, a sandwich or whatever.

I'm not really sure how much it was fear of risks and how my perhaps of been subconsciously dealing with guilt by providing everything but what people might call 'life-skills'  where not things I knew as much as anything else no one had ever really taught me them. They just assumed I'd pick it up and duly noted "Does not".

Equally I was never expected to help out making meals even if you'd though for one thing I rather feel more a part of a family unit and actually it would help me which was  part of the reason why it the person I was staying with had me in the kitchen learning and actually doing with supervision and direct hands on assistance at times preparing vegetables for a cottage pie, sealing the minced meat and such like.

One of things they are helping with is learning to contribute directly and understand what sorts of things society expects you to when you're with people so I can co-operate better whereas to a large extent disengaging had been my norm.

That meal was the more tastier for having made a substantial contribution to its creation by labouring even with my limitations. 

In so  many ways then, that weekend was quite a important one for and the better for being shared with friends.

Reflections on Ghoulish Party weekend

While on the other blog an account of this weekends activities will be posted Monday because it takes time from arrival back to get it typed up to fit my publishing schedule  I will write a bit around how the week that included it went.

One of the first things I can honestly say was I actually got myself a workable plan together for both dealing with being away such as making sure I had my blog posts ready and also from the point of view of getting myself personally ready which hasn't always been good.

I managed to get the packing neatly done in good time in such as a way to help spread the load as I was bringing a bit more for the event than I usually did making a check list for the stuff so I could be sure I had it packed.

I also tried to do things in associated groups such as whole day changes being done in batches to lesson the chance of anything not making its way in and as ever sorting out money into that I'd need travelling with plenty of change and that I'd need later on.

I did remember to phone to let the person picking me up I was on my way and to pay attention to anything they were saying regarding any possible delays on their part.

Equally I was pretty helpful tidying up as needed, washing up without needing reminding and helping out in the kitchen.

I often struggle with following what is being said especially when theirs a lot background noise or other conversations going on but  I did manage to understand and use what was said pretty well this time.

As well this year I felt more junior than had before, going more with just being that little/middle. 

I think all over I did pretty good this time.

Away day schooling

It's a bit of a while since I wrote anything around the re-creation of schooling a form of words I'm now a bit more for as "school based role play" for me implies in part I am role playing the child at school and with me this whole whole thing is more like I have that child running 24/7 in me.
Effectively you've created a school with all the things I recall of my education that I just attend.
One of the things I did involved having a math  lesson taught to me by a person being  a teacher doing what was called "chalk and talk" where they would talk away but write important concepts and any questions on the chalkboard for you to do.
For my part I was dressed in a traditional black tunic (Brit speak: "Gymslip") with tie and school socks at a equally traditional wooden desk with a  hole for in, grooves for your pens and a lift up slightly sloped lid that before flat "Go-Pak" stacking school furniture such as tables became popular you had together with matching wooden chairs with an S shape bottom.
Like most I was taught metric units as my home country went metric during this period  although for somethings imperial never went away like road distances and part of this lesson covered an introduction to Imperial weights and measures that I had to sit and write down from the chalkboard including the questions set on each unit.
This covered ounces, pounds, stones, hundred-weights  and tones when it came to Mass, inches, feet, yards, cubits, chains and miles in linear measurement.
I also had set some multiplication and division work too that I had to copy, answering all the questions.
The work from the point of view of presentation, neatness of writing and showing of workings out was examined in addition to marking the answers to questions set and my attitude toward studying.
My work was then written on in red pen.
Overall I hadn't done too badly but I had made a few mistakes down to not being as careful as I should of been as when asked to show how I got the answer where I had made mistakes, I did get it right first time so it wasn't a question of not knowing or comprehending.
Because it was that and nothing to do with my actual learning limitations which are NEVER a reason to, I was instructed to bend over the desk at each unit where this had occurred to be spanked either by hand or for one which was more around not paying sufficient attention to the work, the tawse.

This needless to say did hurt persisting for some time but to be honest, it is what lead to it that really is more the problem: I don't take the care I could to produce work that limitations aside I am actually capable of, that reflect my abilities rather than my disabilities.
In that sense what might in the past of been called "school based role playing" has real benefits in helping to change because it identifies in real-life situations those attitudes and behaviours that need correcting and delivers the lessons that in all honesty people who were less centred around the dis in my disabilities excusing me and more on abilities and training me to use them properly in same way my peers were really should of done.
For me then this bit of the weekend away was really beneficial.

The A to Z of Jo staying with you

When you get to see this I will be almost ready to go away for a few days so in the intervening time I have been super busy organizing my transportation, making sure I take what I need and that it is all been properly washed and any outstanding business is taken care off.

 

When it comes to going away things are always different with me compared to most in that in the first instance whoever I stay with assumes some responsibility for me because of the limits on my abilities not just physically but also when it comes to my abilities to exercise responsibility and make quick judgments.

In a good many respects I have the position and all the authority of a teen girl staying with relatives because while I do have a say, the higher level decisions are made for me and I am subject to house rules in a direct way.

This is for a number of reasons such as I struggle with options, often getting confused around implications and consequences to the point of just freezing over, often I require supervision to make sure breaks and get to bed at a reasonable time so I have a no later than bedtime and can be sent to bed if I'm tired.

I do wear uniform when I am with them at all times except if we're going in a place where regular folk congregate such shops and the like.

Also I am scolded and spanked by them should I be dishonest, disobedient or disrespectful to them or anyone else during that period as most adult ways of dealing with this just don't work with me but that does.

To be honest, I find this actually quite a lot better for me not least for it is a less anxious experience, that if I do mess up (and I'm prone to it) at least everything is over and done with and as necessary I'm helped to put things right to other peoples satisfaction where whenever I had been with people before I just messed up and we just got to the point I was dead nervous about going and they'd be left feeling they'd 'have' to take me or I was for a forever kind of punishment.

That it ties in with my little/middle side and its needs helps to keep some inner tensions down between trying impersonate a grown up and in many ways the lack of such a side in me which just added to the difficulties following higher level discussion of the sort you expect of adults.

It is also helping me more deal with my emotions, sorting some of my attitudes out which people just faced with a potential meltdown in adult company didn't deal with.

Talks

There are a number of things that I'd like to talk about in this weeks edition of which the first is really about the use of profiles on sites which are really a condensed way of communicating important things about you and why you may belong to a site.
One thing I do say on a good number of my profiles is I don't generally do chat simply because with my badly damaged tendons it's very painful and cuts into my ability to do other thing such as eat, dress myself and also help out in the home which truthfully is a expectation anyone should have for me to help me become more responsible.
It annoys me the number times I get  loads of requests to chat from people I haven't friended, who haven't even written  a thing about themselves that just think being a female adult little is a automatic suggestive chat up service or a means of getting something to add to their wanna Male Dominants ego to control. That I have a Caregiver too is listed on the profile but guess what? They can't darn well read!
The funny thing is I did chat to three females, one in a relationship where her partner is her (agreed) dominant, a female dominant who spanks and a young woman who was interested in what being a little and our lifestyle was all about.
The one distinguishing thing about these conversations although each had their own style, was  the respect shown in the conversation toward myself given these were not people I really knew that well and anyway on the internet you know there's stuff you never give out about you.
One rather surprising thing was that they all asked about what I wore, and having explained it was a school type uniform wanted to know what it was, the colours, talking for sometime about it without any implied criticism or having any misunderstandings that are not uncommon elsewhere.
That meant I was to explain its role in my life, that my Caregiver prefers me in it and the shape, cut and colour of each actual bit to it.
The younger one asked about meets so I explained they are generally 18+ and it was good idea to go talk with whoever organized one about their own dos and don'ts, that generally any sexual with people is kept away from  anything that's not so it doesn't cut into the experience of non sexual littles (or those who may be but aren't looking for that there).
That one also came straight out with  the question "What about spanking, Are you spanked?" which took me by surprise so there I was explaining it all, like I am spanked for being naughty by my Caregivers and other adults to some one only just out of her teens who has a younger sister who as it happens is spanked by her folks for much the same reason.
Any sense of 'adulthood' just evaporated at that point as she actual just 'got' what being a little was and actually she loved how it was with me.
The one who was in a more Adult kind of domestic discipline relationship with her partner talk quite about more in detail about the spankings comparing them with her own between a lot jokes and general good humour.
The female dominant talked quite a bit about the uniform I had on, each individual garment by the material, the shape, in the case of my skirt the length together with the pleats and my knee length schoolgirl socks. She also wanted to know about my knickers-the colour, material and shape as well as my general appearance such as build, eye colour and so on.

She really liked the idea of me being in this uniform, what it symbolizes, that whole girl to Adult Authority figure. We talked about spanking techniques, rituals such as baring, the uses of scolding, corner time and what we felt about it. Had I not of gotten a Caregiver and others who spank me she clearly indicated she would of been prepared to take me on, working through the those attitudes and behaviours I struggle with.
For me this whole experience  being able to talk openly about being being an adult little/middle was good. Moreover to talk about the attitude and behaviours I experience and how it is that I'm spanked rather like a child would be without any sense of shame or embarrassment to relative strangers who just accepted it was quite a breakthrough for me.
*There is nothing shameful in being spanked as an legal adult*

Past childhood into new adult-childhood

In some ways this post is a complementary post to this post The return of the original Famous Five  on Monday's  regular blog really because reading is a part of my regression, a getting back to my natural child-like state that puts me in Little Space as such as it is about maintaining my limited ability to read and from that to learn about new things and new words.
Sometimes people argue about  you can't have parts in your Little Space that are not of the era you were brought up in as if they are not emotionally an authentic part of you so that if say you were brought up in say the nineteen fifties, you cannot have plushies or have say books from other eras.
In my regressed world you can add some things into it so say dollies can be complemented by say a Care Bare or Hello Kitty Plushie because it's function and utility to is the same, you play with it, it comforts you as hold and hug it as the inner child you are.
In much the same way to read say the books of Jacqueline Wilson is a part of understanding a part of contemporary childhood with the objects and experiences our age in it, that can aid me understand more of this age I'm travelling through as the hybrid adult-child I am.
The core though is very much routed in era I was brought up in not least the extent to which the stories I read or were read to me reflected the social norms around us even though things were and did change over time and in that context re-writing them so much of the social structure is missing but the dialogue sounds dated even for those of us who lived through the nineteen seventies and eighties just muddles it all up.
One might as well say for arguments sake have " Noddy goes to school" re-written by (insert editors) based on a story by Enid Blyton  as miss out the whole section when in the class room a slipper is hanging by the chalkboard and when a child is naughty, is instructed to fetch it but hesitates, Noddy (trying to be obliging and not realizing what it symbolizes) says "I'll fetch it for you miss!" because that was just how it was like in the first year of Infant school where we got a few spanks in front of the class as we all learned school discipline as a class.
Such things were and are part of the authentic emotional sense of the inner-child me tapping into my experiences and to part of how we were brought up and part of Caregiver to little re-parenting.
Consider this quote:
 
"Big-Ears the goblin was always on the look-out for anything he could take. Sometimes it was an apple off a barrow, or off somebody's tree. Sometimes it was a biscuit from the counter of Mr. Butter the grocer's and sometimes a few flowers from a garden.

He was too clever to be found out, which was a pity, because a good spanking would have done him a lot of good, and might have stopped his bad ways. But nobody ever spanked him or locked him up for a night, so Big-Ears grew worse and worse. "

 It's from the "Hi Feather-tail!" Noddy story in Enid Blyton's Sunshine collection where clearly we are talking about teaching Big-Ears right from wrong from an early age in they way that was the norm then. No 'but they have (insert) syndrome so they can't help it and there is an implicit idea that it's the adults who are to work on managing your behaviour so you learn to however difficult it may be. You learn social limits, not be exempted from them.

It is very relevant because truthfully I had the same traits as Big-Ears, was pretty good at not being found out so my behaviour had gotten worse and worse in my hybrid adult-child life and why it is spanking has been put back into it, to re-parent me in the way we were expected to so so adult-child me learns to conform.

Or take the following exchange from Claudine at St Clare's one of six novels in the St. Clares girls boarding school series Enid wrote:

"If I wasn't in the fourth form I'd give you the hardest spanking you've ever had in your life, Angela. A good spanking would be the best thing you could have."

"Nobody has ever laid a finger on me in my life."
The first person speaking is Carlotta, the wild ex circus girl who is a Prefect and that is Angela's  retort.
 This like the other quote has now been removed from current editions on sale  but it rings very true in that Prefects and Head Girls did have that delegated authority with one threatening me with quite a spanking if I was caught smoking in school.
It also had to be said, it wasn't just them that did, so did teachers.
My work for a period had fell from  mediocre at best level - my school reports are a source of shame -  to that of not paying any attention and failing on several occasions to complete homework with clear warnings so I was kept back one lesson by my Geography Mistress Miss Thomson who took me into a store room and gave me a quite hard spanking because she felt it was what I needed as I was at risk of flunking my upcoming final examination. It was the best thing that happened to me because I actually passed it even though my work was usually poor and my other grades were up.
That was the kind of thing that was not so much the core plot but very much in the background of those stories I loved by Enid Blyton such as the girls boarding school  Malory Towers, St. Claire's series and referenced in the Famous Five.
For being there you got more of a feeling of how each character felt, empathizing with them in their situations that you also knew of that either wholesale deletion of a paragraph or  replacing the word with a say scolding doesn't work because expecting a scolding feels different than say expecting a spanking.
What happens is therefore more believable for being set with the social expectations and sanctions of that very era where pretty much everything else is at odds with Twenty-first century  Britain anyway.
It is in the form of novels, a depiction of the world that in the past I was brought up in so in their attempt to render a depiction of the past in terms that are seen as 'right on' so-called 'politically correct' is in so may ways a tampering with our recollection not just of these texts and how they they were a part of our lives but also of our recollection of the world as it was as that child around seven to thirteen as we lived it.
Grown ups are more than entitled to debate the rights and wrongs of our era (although a return to that era's values and sanctions is helping me no end) but in airbrushing the world we knew, they are not simply disrespecting us who loved reading these books at the time, enjoying re-reading them later in life, they fail to give a basis to explain to newer young readers the difference between now and then, muddling up the past.

Thoughts on the week

My BFF, Lucy, is at her age play parents now, working part time and studying the reminder in a very child-like home setting with strict rules which are enforced.
We keep in touch a lot supporting each other as both have similar so-called real life needs to which we're getting similar support.
She wrote a Treetops story, yesterday, about a regressive school that uses traditional structures and discipline to help those of us who struggle getting life together and to be more grown up and was trying to email me without any success.
It seems I 'd allowed my mails inbox to become so full it was sending any incoming mail back to sender  which is just typical as I fall down on tasks like that so I had to apologize for that.
As well, I had some fun the other night in littles chat and one area is that I have a set "No later than" bedtime which is monitored within my relationship to PB so it's necessary to excuse myself around a suitable time and that if I'm tired then in real time then in effect I'm sent to bed early which is about ensuing I get the sleep I need and I make responsible choices when I'm unwell putting my well-being first. This is something that hasn't been the case in recent past at all as I've had very much a "cannot be missing out" impulsiveness to drive myself beyond  my real limits just for my fun and possibly others.
I'm actually glad I can just come out to them and be straight around why I leave when I do rather than making anything up.
Something else however I did decide not to mention there was a mutual friend of mine and a number of the others had contacted me around one uniform I had worn and also about about spanking me which is something that is a part of my relationship to them having spoken to them about my needs and how they are met such as having a Caregiver figure in my life who does using spanking with rewards and guidance to meet them.
It may seem odd to be able to talk freely to someone about what you are comfortable about  what you're being spanked for and how they might do it but to me it's just a everyday part of life that's not connected with anything really adult such as sex or say bondage and has rather more in common with talking with other children or say a grown up your stopping with who says "What happens to you if you do this" say break a vase or "How are you disciplined at home?" to which you are expected to answer straightaway and truthfully.
That's hardly surprising as in my middle/little form it is just a run on of those exact same situations and I am very glad they are as parent-like figures in my life  giving me the guidance and, when they feel it's appropriate, the spanking I need to help me in being accountable and learning to do more in the home.

Summer LG Camp extras

My main blog entry  Summer LG Camp 2016 covers the major account of my six days  including Summer 2016 LG Camp  that I attended such as activities that I was involved in and so on but this is more the reflections on the experience as I experienced it emotionally.
As an adult little girl who is more on the Middle side for me this whole thing is rather like the Caregiver/little side of things in that it is a space to allow the child-like me out to play and interact as if I was an actual child at a emotional age appropriate level for me, the one impacted significantly by my developmental/learning disabilities that in so many ways I function ordinarary and with no choice at that level.
It's hardly age-play, I mean I didn't choose it, it just the hand I was given and it's a matter of learning to make the most of the only life I have.
I have been interested as much as I'm more around upper UK juniors and first year senior side about things more associated with younger children as for example I've always been drive to spin or rattle things such as whizzing tape reels around or enjoying the sound of winding a cassette back with a pencil or impulsively leaping to a rattle.
While I was away a "Baby Gym" with a pretty patterned mat and mobiles that made noises had been set out and I though, "Right, it's a quiet area" and decided to have a bit of a play with it.
It only took a few minutes and I sensed myself shifting to a younger more tactile headspace playing with it so while I may not identify with AB, some things from it could be in my little space needs that benefit from being met.
The other large side to this that for this whole period I am in a setting where my behaviour and attitudes are under the gaze of adults with authority over me and where I know I will be taken to one side and spanked without exception for any breaches of what I know isn't acceptable.
I do tend to ignore no's blanking them out or get into oppositional behaviour because my emotional side is running at a child's and not even necessary a maturing teen level and spanking is part of the way I'm being managed to put a stop to this to help me mature within my limitations in the way I generally wasn't before.
In that way I'm in the middle/little headspace where Authority has the final say and I am slowly learning, changing my behaviour so much so that I didn't need a spanking just doing what I am expected or am told to do with no back chat.
Connected with that is that they are challenging my low expectations of not just what I can do but of what it is I am to be expected to do from now on to help me grow up a little, taken on a bit more personal responsibility and contribute more to.
In this way they're putting me through growing pains and strict discipline to move me from where I had been parked.
Some of this showed for example in the Games morning where in the past I'd of not taken part in things that I both find difficult with my physical as well as developmental/learning disabilities such as being rubbish at archery, not understanding instructions well, poor co-ordination and lack of strength I'd of gone down the route of oppositional behaviour but I was informed I was to bring my games kit, put it on and be in a team regardless.
In other words I was to adopt a more grown up mature approach which would be overseen to help me with them ensuring I co-operated.
I am so thankful as hard going doing this is, they're putting me through it because I need help to change and be the best I can, not the least I can get away with.

The languages of apology I can be taught

As a reader of this blog, you will have realized I'm by no means  perfect having gotten into situations that I shouldn't and a good part of what it is about is helping me change those habits of a lifetime in part by the establishment of clear rules for me to learn to live by rather than just overriding yours and by the consistent disciplining of me so I may never get away with it without administered consequences.

The other side to this is teaching me what to to put things right in real time so I assume appropriate responsibility for my own actions where in the past I've ever shrugged my shoulders or attempted to play a card - usually a disability card to exempt myself from the standards expected of others.

I need people to take me through this so I am as responsible as I am actually capable of disabilities aside so I learn to conform to your standards and expectations.

I Guess I'm Different Part II

Well last weeks bit of a post created some interest amongst those that ready my comments at various forums and art based sites where I am publishing some short back to the past regressive stories.

One of things across this blog I've been talking about is what is me.
I'd normally hesitate to use a term like define because it seems to me define often excludes those things I may share with people for saying how I'm not the same as when to me at least what you are includes both.
It's also the case that self realization can lead at the very least to a reframing of what that definition may include if not a wholesale change.
Change is constant but the biggest constant in all of this for me the lack of of an adult sense of self and of place in the presence of others who are adults by age; My relationship to you is defined by me looking toward you for guidance and authority because you are the adult I am not and cannot be.
The answer to the question what is my sense of place is simple: I am a girl and much less a woman.
By the standards of most I'm not 'normal' in that way not least for the role my developmental disabilities play in this that means for me it's not 'age play' so much as 'emotional and developmental age is'. It's the not normalness of me that actually is my strength and what is wonderful about me.
The thing is then we must be honest about these needs and work through ways of meeting them so I'm emotional and developmental age treated approximately for the girl I am for me to make the most of myself and contribute to society rather than ignoring the elephant in the room.

"You have the right to the consequences for your own actions"

The complimentary post to this one:A weekend away

That was close to the scene I experienced, Sunday but not featuring a broken object but rather a wet floor when I went to pick up a hot drink and spilled a bit of it on the floor.
It wasn't that I don't have problems picking cups up because I do but because I didn't pay sufficient attention to how I was holding it and apart from the mess that I had to clean up, had it of landed on me, then I'd of scolded myself.
That is why I got a relative light hand spanking on the spot over my underwear  to underscore the consequences of my actions, not either a hard one or no spanking at all, just enough to impress on me the importance of being careful with hot drinks.
I am very grateful for being spanked for this.
The other thing about the period I was away was  I had to help out, doing the dishes, setting the table, assisting with gardening and even putting the washing out to dry as I was informed I  have  to "earn my keep".
I cannot just turn up and expect people to do things for me anymore so much as from now on I have to be responsible and take a share of what needs to be done as that is a house rule for me to follow.
This was not something I had much of in the past being ushered away from anything 'domestic' and usually in the kitchen but is to change.

On having a Caregiver

Papa Bear is my main Caregiver.
There is a difference between being a Mentor and a Caregiver because while both have a kind of relationship between them and you and both have some element of teaching new skills and dealing with attitudes that may set you back, the main one is it has a deep  personal emotional level to it regardless of it is a 'fostering', 'live in' or long distance one.
You have this emotional connection to you Caregiver that has some level of intimacy (not necessarily sexual) that allows the use of pet names and terms between you that wouldn't be in the 'professional' ethics of a Mentor.
You are their little girl or boy to care for emotionally either face to face or virtually, spending time being engaged socially an playfully with you very much as a child, you may sit on your lap or have your hair played with or be caressed or hugged.
It just feels...different.
My Papa Bear believes strongly in reinforcing the rules about my attitudes and behaviour where he feels it needed to bring them under control as the Adult in charge of me.

I am spanked by him as he feels I need it and to be truthful there a good number of times I do and as my papa it his accepted role to raise me as his Little Girl and that includes disciplining me. I accept it because it is a part of his caring for me that he will never allow me to get away with anything that isn't in my best interests.

That care also runs into giving advice on things like when I should go bed, looking after myself when I'm unwell to help me take better care of myself so I become more responsible within my my limitations.

It's a total package.

I have been allowed to getaway with a lot in the recent past which has spoilt me and failed to correct patterns that have made lots of problems for me

Lessons from the class room for Jo.

I've  written a bit about this Weekends Studying on the main blog which also has the other entries around the start of it from the beginning of this year as it is an important part of what this year is about for me.
It is about two interlinked things: One is dealing with my actual real life weaknesses in English, particularly written and especially Math which stem from by disabilities not least dyslexia and brain damage some of which was caused directly by a playground fall which  caused my head to hit the Asphalt surface head on which left me drifting in and out of consciousness for a good number of hours.
The second is the extent to which all the above while being  a very ready impediment  to learning was affected by attitudes toward coping with my disabilities and even the extent I was to even attempt to do the very things ever other child of my age at that time was expected to do.
Some of those attitudes amounted to authorized not trying  as I wasn't expected to be capable of them so it was felt this didn't matter which of course it did as most employers and many educational institutions require good grades not least because the knowledge behind them is necessary in an advanced economy.
But in many was it went even beyond that to one of just not bothering to try anything new because a 'they' somehow would solve them problem of what to do when it comes to caring for me and having a sense of purpose.
The fact this studying has involved some rather old fashioned ideas  such as being structured (but taking into account my real needs), being expected to work hard, being given the kind of scolding prevalent then and not least being spanked for my attitude toward that when as it was at the start was laid bare in just the same some schools back then would given me regardless of my disabilities.
My disabilities don't justify not trying, in many ways it's more important for me to try than perhaps most because my need to be able to do things is greater and in the pride I feel toward doing well so far, that is the bigger thing here.
To help me grow I need to be stretched, nurtured and disciplined as part of one whole called caring for Jo.

Post Experience Project edition

Yesterday marked many things such as the 90th birthday of Her Majesty, the Queen and sadly was the day the multi-talented musician and actor, Prince died but it also was the day the door shut on what had been a part of my life permanently.
The Experience Project finally shut its doors at 4PM PDT April21st after giving notice but sensing a certain nostalgia, I did get in using a spare account to leave a few brief posts up interacting for the last time with people.
You see I joined it would of been about eight years ago after reading quite a bit from the site sometimes about things about other people I'd encountered before had  and also it had to be said  to find out more about me.
They way it worked was that you found an experience you wished to talk about, be it one affirming some element of you or as I did writing about what I had felt and though comments, messages and further entries you through what it might be you were feeling.

It was by talking around this continual sense of still being a child that Iearned that a good number of others did from different directions, that I'd sooner lay across the sidewalk in a dress marking out and then playing hopscotch.
It wasn't that everything was good there, it was and remains a very mixed experience with me but together with another short lived time on a site I found the Sissy lifestyle was very much odds with me with some sending me coarse messages.
That was the first spot where I began to understand you could be an Adult by chronological age but feeling as a Little Girl enjoying the childhood of a girl the second time around that lead to other places and what has been very much my life ever since.
We talked about different ways of presenting  as that Little Girl and that then lead into talking about the past and schooling, where I discovered the  notion of being that 'adult' in law little schoolgirl involving uniforms, teaching  and having encountered the girl in question, lead to meeting her face to face.
It also was the place I found from somewhere the courage to talk about something else about the past at home and at school, rules and consequences, how they differed and to the extent some of those needs even remained.
I came out as a person who feels the need to be spanked as that schoolgirl, middles child forever to help me behave myself, talking with others who are, talking with people who did spank them around how they did it.  They in turn started very open conversations  with me about how I'd like my bottom spanked and how that would effect my relationships with people would be doing this.
This in time lead to me getting a caregiver figure that used spanking and other techniques to help change my behavior, bring in a clear cut sense of accountability and others coming into my life restoring the accountability and childhood spanking that has helped me so much.
Experience Project as a site was a mixed thing with me but I learned to explore, articulate and stand up for me, my identity and my needs, helping move me on setting up a life that is so much the better for me.

Roadmaps?

It's kind of funny how it is you find the inspiration you need  when and where you may least expect it such as this drawing by TheLatestKate on Tumblr.

Tumblr is a funny place in that all manner of things can be found on there, sometimes original texts or as in this instance art amongst a vast forest of straight reblogging of everyone elses so sometimes you see the same thing several times over not helped by encourage people to reblog things that may not even be their own just because someone got there first.

But actually, to get back the post itself,  when I first started this blog and got on a few sites sites way back when, truly I had no real idea of where everything would lead, never mind the series of connections and roundabouts I'd go through tryin' to figure it what was I was and what it was I wanted and needed.

Some of directions like one I wrote about April last where I found I I always had sissy traits even though I control the exact form that may come out as as really gender re-assignement does nothing for my own sense of gender identity - I don't see myself as a female trapped in a male body.

Sometimes I with my disabilities actually lacked the language to articulate and even look for what it was I was really looking for  even if in some respects it had been staring me in the face from when I first realized on the onset of my teens that actually I didn't feel that,had none of the 'push toward establishing an adolescent self' cos actually developmentally I was and remain very much the child.

 
What I did want was a kind of new forever parent type figure I could relate to as that child, who was going to be the adult I'd relate to AS that child being cared for and where necessary chastised as that child because those were and are my actual needs.

In other words what I was wanting in my life was Caregiver for the middle with a little side me not a plain vanilla type relationship nor one just centred on  full on BDSM.

On restoration

Restoration

Restoring the balance both at home with my parents and with other adults trying to get so a kind of natural order is there is very much what the last fifteen or so months of my life has been about, been given a proper place in those relationships, subject to their adult authority at all times.
When I look back at how things were at the start of this I can see how unsatisfactory the way I interaction at home and with other adults were, doing pretty much what I pleased no matter how they may of felt about or been effected by it.
I had a okay relationship with Mom and poor one with Dad and didn't really feel bonded to other adults at all so things did not run anything like smoothly for a lot of the time.
It wasn't that I was necessarily super obnoxious but I could not truthfully say I was exactly well behaved either having little sense of boundaries and parental and other adult guidance in my life.
It felt that I'd been been left without any guidance but being expected to know what to do when in fact I had no idea about how to behave.
That was when during Christmas 2014 when the external guidance started and as time went by other people followed through with everything changed although it took time.
This was when there now was a set of House Rules and similar rules for other adults brought into my life with very real consequences for any breach of those rule.
These included  being scolded, having my knickers taken down to be spanked or caned without fail and having to carry out any restitution straightaway.

Of course I didn’t become perfect overnight, but gradually, week by week, the new discipline code began to turn my behaviour and attitude around and as the adults recast as disciplinarians began to feel this wonderful sense of positive empowerment to act because they cared. Every time they took me over their lap I felt that at last I was receiving a way of providing me with the kind of positive guidance that I needed. I felt that they were giving me exactly what I needed, at exactly the right time in my life and I could see that I was absolutely thriving on this old-fashioned form of discipline.

It wasn't that it was all discipline, because it did include face to face discussions about my behaviour and conduct and what my many limitations being allowed for, I could and should be expected to do better together with rewards so it was recognized when I did really well to help me form a sense, a belief, in my ability to do the right thing .

This restoration  went hand in hand with having me dress more as that adult child often in her uniform as a learned to accept and co-operate with adult authority  I resembled their child subject to their adult authority with that uniform signifying my acceptance  of their rules and the spanking that I subject to in it.

Spanking I would say in my experience is an excellent form of discipline for girls who like me are over 18 and live at home or with adults to help learn how to conduct ourselves and adopt good personal habits

Middle bedrooms

A big chunk of the other blog is more around the life of a Middle while this looks at the other aspects of being a middle with a littleside but given the connectedness a post around it is justified.
The bedroom of a Middle I feel should be as close to that of a Tween or younger teen as possible not necessarily tradition in it's furnishings but true to original intent of being her place of rest and sleep, away from the buzz of daytime.
It should be very much an expression of her girlish innocence with cute simple bedding with matching curtains and lightshades with just what she needs to get her beauty sleep in and nothing more being free from techo attractions calling her as she lies in bed.
There will be shelving for her plushies, teddies and dollies that are not in her bed or positioned on her chair as well as her books with a small rack for current comics that she reads by herself with a small angle right.
One thing there will not be is a place for her cellphone or netbook to be resting because you will have her hand them over to you as her Caregiver before she goes to bed and be given then once she is up because you are responsible for her as her privilege.
You may restrict other technology such as audio or tv stuff  preferring her to share with others and view with you to help keep a close shared bond alive rather than have retreat to a inner world avoiding conversation.
There will be a wardrobe with enough space to hang her clothes including her uniform properly on hangers with space for shoes and slippers and draws for her underwear in addition to the cute nightdresses and pj's you'll put her in like the Middle with little side she is.
The overall feel will be light and airy with lots of space to twirl around in and walk along with ease across the whole room.
You will have rules about keep it tidy being prepared to work with her but you will spank her bottom firmly in the room when she fails too without good reason so she learns the importance in doing this and following the rules.