Preparing and stuff

It's a busy time for me with just over a week before I'm away for short while so there's sorting and freshening up things to go as not only is there just so much room in my case plus any 'hand luggage' there is the fact it's damaged pawed wobberly me that's carrying it until I get a friends so I can't take tons of stuff with me either 'just in case' or for a change every few hours for several days with all the co-ordinating that takes.

That means I restrict it to a few things I'm comfortable with that co-ordinate with  common 'base layers' which sounds rather close to uniform which you could say it is.

 Great Britain is a country where very many schools, State and Independent have uniforms that pretty much have to be adhered to the style of which has change for a good number over the years although the current trend is toward more traditional forms such as the pinafore perhaps a backlash from the late 1990's, early 2000's fascination with more casual almost track suitish  'sporty' attire that also influenced Girl Guilding uniforms.

Believe me I'm much happier with that kind of approach as it makes managing and picking out what to wear much much easier.

Another kind of preparing of a less pleasant kind is getting my head together for Thursday when the funeral service for my Aunt will be held as currently there's a three week waiting list for them at least in my district and at least the service is within walking distance.

A family affair

During this week when I'm preparing for going away in a few days time, there are a couple of things on my mind.
One is my Uncle who hasn't been well for a period with Alzheimer's but by December had got the point his partner felt they had little choice other than to place him on a trail basis in a care home simply because he needed round the clock supervision as he's forget if he'd taken tablets, time of day and tellingly couldn't put names to faces.
Indeed on at least a couple of occasions to my knowledge he'd gone missing, going toward a past 'home' with no realization it was no long the one he was at.
My relationship with him as with most males in my family was one of not feeling comfortable around which was no reflection on him personally but due to ahem 'other' experiences in childhood  so until my mid teens I'd pretty much hide from him whenever we were around.
Things are concerning at the moment for him being in Hospital with a major infection which is proving hard to treat and indeed they are unable to get a camera into him to look in his system.
Moreover he just seems to be lying in bed, not saying anything from tiredness not itself being aided by not eating any food for days.
It isn't shall we say looking good at all. 
Thursday February 1st was the day in which my Aunts funeral service was held locally and what she meant to me was written on the other blog. I have been walking and looking at her house not that it was comfortable but simply because I know  I'll never be heading to or entering into it as I remembered it and so I need to say a kind of farewell to that part of my life.
My Aunt's eulogy  read out by the Minister of the chapel she grew up in as a girl was really well put together showing how her Methodist upbringing had shaped how she lived her life, a life it has to be said made difficult by severe Asthma and the care and concern she had for others.
To be with her as I was  often in difficult situations in my messy family situations even past eighteen armed with a teddy and children's books feeling misunderstood  and in need of affection one felt this.
Her home, shared at the time with her parents was in so many was a second home, a refuge where my what now would seen as littles age regressed side was a place where they accepted developmentally disabled me as that caring and dealing with that adult but child was vital and from which older members of the community learned to understand and accept me as I am. They bought me simple child-like gifts such as annuals and selection boxes  finding by valuing me what I had to offer them because love is reflected by love. Always.
Among effects I was gifted a grey and white stuffie which is pretty apt given how I am rather than anything really groan up and that it was the first place I could just be this adult-child being accepted by her and her parents without judgment.

What If I Mess Up in Public?

When you think about the disciplinary process there's usually two ideas, sometimes running in tandem that take centre stage .
The first is the idea of the person, let's call them the disciplinarian for convenience's sake observing a situation around you and taking the decision to discipline you there and then may be with a few minutes to think out exactly what he'll do.
Another might be that they have a regular time set a side in the week where they may review a written record of any infractions you have had including any with other people that have been reported and that they use that time to discipline you, setting up any additional work on your attitudes.
In general I prefer to be taken in hand within minutes of the infraction for a number of reasons such as I do soon get anxious if any kind of response - scolding, spanking or restitution -  is delayed and any connection to what I have done is soon lost or 'distorted through time' with me. This is fine if I'm staying with someone who does spank me and we're some where with some degree of privacy such as a home or place where 'little's meets may be happening where they may be a spare room or quiet spot to administer it. Indeed to be seen to be taken way and to return tearful, rubbing your sore bottom, only adds to the sense of shame even if the spanking has been carried out in private as they know why and what must of happened.
Thing is, sometimes this just isn't going to be possible such as we're in a public park, I'm dressed more vanilla but mess up as there's crowds about (and sometimes crowds have an effect on me) or some public venue such as a mall but even a discrete attempt at smacking me may be observed and bring us to other folks attention.
That's one occasion you as the disciplinarian , you need to step in and say something like "Jo I WILL spank you as soon as we're home (or back at camp) because (state infraction) is disrespectful" and if there's a bit cover around so you won't be seen , a swat delivered  to my bottom as you say that to remind me you're in charge helps even though it's not ideal because any uncertainty about how you feel and what will happen is removed. I know what to expect and why and all you need to do is take me to the place you spank me when we get back to deliver the spanking I need .

So true

Indeed  am a little am for real having been seen in the flesh by a good number of people  and most definitely proud.
Terms or indeed if there was a single term to describe what you might call an adult by age who doesn't feel adult, who shares many of the facets of a child not by acting but just spontaneous responses to everyday situations change and indeed at the start of this quest that began in actual childhood I didn't even know to describe this feeling of being younger than your years existed.
It can take differing presentational forms such adult baby/toddler, little or more of a school boy or girl form or even just on the inside with just regular adult attire on it's just a state of being that once you accept it is you really is the bestest thing.

The role of this blog

The third Tenth Anniversary special where we're looking back to  why and what this blog is for and about.
When it comes to blogging, people have many different reasons for doing so which is often connected to the purpose of the actual blog and part of last years activity wasn't just about tidying each but also about exactly how each one relates to each other.
I would say the main purpose of this blog is is to talk though trends in how I am feeling and how my interactions are going so I get a clearer picture of what is on my mind and the reason behind sharing this is because other people may be going through similar episodes in their lives and the ways in which it is dealt with.
The  final element of this is to help spread awareness of the needs of people like me who all to often fall through the twilight  gap of being legally adult but having many of the characteristics and issues of typically older children which has its upside -even if I could wave a magic wand and fix it, I'm not so sure I'd want to- and its downsides whose parallels are linked by being developmental more child-like.
Just about the easiest thing to do in terms of popularity would be to push a whole correction to endless cycle infraction, lines and a spanking side as believe you me their are lots of people who'd merry live their own fantasies through you totally missing the point which is it is the last resort when reasoning doesn't work and for me and those who look after me there's nothing remotely kinky in this.
We're just trying to work with my attitudes and behaviours to bring about more permanent changes for the better by one to one guidance, modelling for the most part but with the agreed sanctions if I breach our agreed standards of behaviour expected of me rather than looking for an 'excuse' to spank.
When this blog was first envisaged, it was seen more as a log of incidents before it became apparent more of our time was being spent on weekly reviews and the outcomes such as set exercises or aims and target setting which lead to the a more review and discussion lead approach when it came to to the entries here.

Age regression and age play

Age Regression is when you revert to a younger mindset with its own interests and means of expression that arise from your own past compared to your chronologically  age appropriate ones especially as an adult.
For some people this can be a coping mechanism from trauma or sense in which the current world is 'too much' for them to cope with so moving to one where you are following more a child-like role enjoying play activities while another acting more as a caretaker, guardian or quasi-parent takes on the oversight that most adults most of time assume for themselves, being cared for directly is not uncommon.
This as with me ties very much into not in certain critical respects having developed the adult skills required to handle and assume those roles and responsibilities.
It's less acting a role out as just 'being' that person as it happens and because it can lead to complications working out that balance between the side of you that needs to be big and that inner  kid where their own 'age' and with it, needs, because that side has its own development
What it is that you do during that period and what it is certainly has been at the centre of some controversy from the very beginning  because it takes us to some very awkward points because for much of place especially online the term used for what you do whilst in that headspace is "Age Play" but it has become linked with other things.
It is undeniably the case that some people have used the presentation as someone younger  as a warm up for adult sexual behaviour but that has always been an act put on by and for that purpose alone and that the sexualization of childhood rightly concerns people. It is beyond argument too such a sexual side to it is kink based with 'sexy schoolgirl' as interchangeable as that of 'Office girl sexpot' as a role that they put on.
Age Regression though is never about this, it is about letting that child side out to play as an actual bio child would in itself but that very word 'play' because of the context it has been used in suggests playing a role, which  it isn't but more acting more in accordance with the regressed adult child you feel at the psychological level.
Think of it more as letting the breaks of adult behaviour inhibitors where instead of trying to act grown up because of social pressure and ridicule for being the adult child you are, you 'play' the way that bio-child within feels and if their chronological age was say ten, the kind of life you would a  actual ten your old would playing, reading etc with the social responsibilities that child would too including caretaker roles for another adult to look after situations you need help with in order for you to feel safe. To do that is literally Age Playing, acting in accordance ones mental and developmental age and with me that's painfully apparent because at no point can I relate with you as in an adult to adult context because mentally I'm never there. I'm always looking at and for you to being the 'adult' and yes look after the adult-child me.
In plain speak I have the need to be parented and a parent authority figure to do so.
Just saying that is profoundly shocking for some people and there are others who simply refuse to accept this isn't a game of "I want a daddy to play with me" rather than doing the tax returns that I could just snap my fingers and leave.
Indeed that was at the core of an unpleasant public ridiculing on one adult spanking related site where I was attacked by someone who could not see this before being banned but that whole experience shook me up because in effect an adult humiliated a child wrapped in an adults body for being themselves.
That's why actually understanding this whole thing matters and why I'm talking about on the tenth anniversary of this blog.

On the loss of a dear Aunt

Today's entry was not the planned one but as one increasingly realizes not every eventuality lends itself to such an approach not least anything involving people.
We received a telephone call on Wednesday from Mom's brother in law saying my Aunt who had been unwell for a period moving into a care home about five miles away for about eight months following a fall, showed that she wasn't really safe to be 'at home'  even with some supervision, had died having contracted pneumonia on New Years Day.
That didn't particularly surprise me as I had seen over a two year period when I visited her, a marked deterioration in her condition an her moving from limited informal oversight from family and neighbours to more formal careworkers coming in and a 'careline' being put in although she always looked after her personal hygiene and ate well.
My Aunt was one of the central characters in my life because I often visited her at least once a week if I was 'home' myself as it was a home from home where given the many issues and incidents on my weirdo family history that would break out. I go spending hours with talking about things as she'd try to settle me down from the drama around my home life having left often with a book, some money and my plushies.
She lived with her parents because she needed a some support although she worked for a good number of years at automotive factory locally until taking retirement and so that unit was in my ways an alternate family for me that did accept what we know would see as a more child-like regressive side from my teens and older.
They also spend a lot of time talking to me about pasts, my families pasts, their pasts and how we ended up where we did encouraging me to talk more about what was was on my mind and why it was troubling me.
This was a link I kept up for a very long time so outside of my regular at least once weekly  visits I go with Mom around birthdays and Christmas, chatting along the way with her neighbours and indeed it did get to me this christmas past as it was a ritual I missed from the previous year.
The one thing I know is I'll miss her.