Downstairs girl

One first thing to say about this last week has been for a variety of reasons some routines have been different not that I'm kinda ocd over routine although I do benefit from some structure in my life which is why this post has been typed today when otherwise I'd of been busy.

The last few posts have been about interests of mine as I'm not exactly a one dimensional adult little girl by a long shot and things I had and enjoyed from my birthday rather than personal posts so I thought this last one of March would be different.

Birthdays do bring back memories not least around Mom and that's a part of what I'm looking back at this week.

Shared life is often a compromise whither you live as a couple or as individuals who maybe share a property and also this can and usually does cross over to relations with parents, relatives and so on. 

You may sense that some parts of your life not least for a good number of us being  a 'little' come under the heading things you can't share or be otherwise open with although there's nothing remotely shameful in it.

This is particularly so if like me you're also coming at this as being Tg too with a number of inter family issues around my being so following my greater involvement around alg activities I had been wondering more around working through this with Mommy.

We did manage to evolve to a point where it's finally okay to present as alg downstairs at night where just both of us are in (Grumpy has his own space upstairs he resides in then) as I feel fit, and she feels comfortable engaging with me sat in the front room being the same me as before for an hour or so. 

We did starting to bond better, I can openly call her Mommy - indeed even addressed birthday her card as that - which is helping both of us work through this having had our difficulties in the past around gender based issues.

Another issue is  the site Sp@nking Needs,a site for adults who feel the need for and those who did perform said services has ceased to be.

I joined in 2014 as it had a less fet1shly, more thoughtful feel to it that made it a great place to talk about those needs and some of my disciplinary issues that required some treatment which in time they did get.

It's a great pity such great sites seem to be going in an age of social media and ever shifting regulations as it was really safe.

bb

A somethings extra post

After last week's entry I've been sorting a few things out for a charity collection and generally making space for CatMas in late december as one present has already arrived, boxed up and sorted the shelves out a little.

Waves. That sounds rather like me, things just coming over, focusing just on that and sometimes then moving on to something else as you then start thinking "Did I really want this?".

Dolls were a bit of up and down thing with being rather late in getting any having never been bought one and most I had tended to be the porcelain sort with posable bodies in various usually vintage costumes rather than dollies to play with.
 

So I'd get the odd one or two and then "The Imposter" would start in my head saying "You really shouldn't be feeling this way, wanting to play. Just what would people think???"

Before you know it you're almost convinced to give it all up and hand them on which certainly would be better than just binning them.

This is a recent one, a 1978 seven inch Brownies doll in the then current uniform which these days isn't strictly uniform a mix and match from our lists thing so no one six looks the same unlike then.

 

 

Then there's the more role model sort such as this original British Airways Stewardess one from the days countries had "National Carriers" which was presented to staff and can we keep our -ess's please.

 

We're not men thank god and there's nothing demeaning about having a female title, actresses are not just "eye candy"  but highly accomplished performers and Stewardess's perform and important role where knowledge, tact and common sense make a huge difference to air travel.

Return to past little life?

Sunday is in this country Fathers day and usually something reminds me on a daily basis I still have one of them so I have a card and that sorted out which has been a bit of miracle given how the heat of the last few days has affected me.

The whole situation around a certain at one time frequent event, those who are involved around it and those I'd normally see in the last eighteen or so months has been messy, emotional, obtrusive even to the point I had for practical purposes resigned myself to not going or unspoken we'd rather people more like x were around or even drip fed rumours and whispering campaigns suggestion you didn't "make the grade" even if I may of said I'd love to attend.

It appears Cinders may yet be going to the ball albeit on straw mat in small space rather than a grand pumpkin pretty much on somebody else's terms but that doesn't matter at you'll be there, less "cast out".

Something of that sort could of been sorted as one place has one room that is never used for it's purpose just a dumping ground and another is so massive you'd get something like an airbed in with tens of meters spare and indeed people have put in other kind of structures and slept in them.

You are left working just why anything like that wasn't even offered given the circumstances that led to be being dropped.

It's a pleasant surprise to be back "in".

Contact?

How many littles are there out there?

You often hear it said "there's more than you might think" and certainly there have been places when it was obvious to me some one was even if they didn't realize it or engage quite so openly in expressing it.

I can remember the first time I discovered a works colleague I spent a few years working very closely who shared much of the same traits as I do skipping up and down the corridors like a couple of kids high on candy talking about our favourite cartoons, stuffies and so on even though we were super good workers and we had a caring male supervisor who was a bit more like school teacher to the two of us.

Equally sometimes we go online and find their are people who do share much of what we do who wouldn't see it that way being more an adult hobby or interest even if it may of started as a run on from their own childhood and it has a clear link to their sense of having an inner-child.

Sometimes it seems to me I see more littles away from what I'd call niche sites set up expressly for them in other communities where there is more around being more 'child-like', regression or other kinds of persona or even fursonas talking away about much the same thing as I an many others in our own unique way are doing while certain sites and even events may struggle.

In 2020 it is hard to escape all embracing social media be it all purpose such as Facebook or Tumblr (although I don't regard that a substitute for full on blogging) or adult sites such as Fetlife for making contact with others or even just knowing what's happening in your State or Province as that's where information is being increasingly posted although the public nature of it may not be ideal for anything personal and easily identifiable about you to be posted that may impact on family relationships or your employment.

One thing is for sure the World I encountered online in the early 2000's is very different than today's and places need to adapt to changed times.

VE Day reflections

A warmish bright morning here after the warm sunny VE Day weekend and I got another T Rex cd album to enjoy on headphones or stereo via my Fiio music player, I thought I'd get around to doing today.

There can be little arguing this pandemic is having an effect on relating patterns as people who are more used to being expected to make up their own minds are in in effect are just being told "this is what you will do".

For some of us that isn't a negative because we need and even crave that authority in order to do the right thing cos we can't rely on us doing it right straight off.

Personally I miss being able to be with the person who provides much of the stability and resistance to help me grow within my limits, who has me in uniform and who is prepared to dish out hard spankings to make sure I learn from my mistakes.

Play and what we play with

 I'm feeling better this week so I thought I'd write something a little different than usual.

 Something I started noticing several years back when I first started buying my own stuffies and especially dolls was a difference between what some bought them for and what I did before getting involved around the world of littles.
One of things I found odd was what I later called the "collectors mentality" where people bought them in the original packaging and kept them permanently in that state, boxed up at best on shelf or otherwise in a storeroom.
To me they seemed to see them as objects that admittedly they liked  but the bais was clearly on maintaining that collectors item look and monetary value to the point they weren't handled and cherished even if they were intended for children who would play with them.
Personally, I buy my dolls and stuffies to play with although my porcelain ones are because of their delicateness are more handled than played with.
I take them out to sit by, hug whenever I feel the 'need' to hug or carry on in my hand around the house or wherever I am staying. I create stories featuring them which I then play with in real time together freely.
That's for me apart from those 'special dolls' they are my toys which as an adult child I play with in much the same way that I did as a child and as some saw me recently even gently rocking a pram with dollies.
It's what I get from playing with them that matters more to me than that whole collectors thing. 

On the loss of a dear Aunt

Today's entry was not the planned one but as one increasingly realizes not every eventuality lends itself to such an approach not least anything involving people.
We received a telephone call on Wednesday from Mom's brother in law saying my Aunt who had been unwell for a period moving into a care home about five miles away for about eight months following a fall, showed that she wasn't really safe to be 'at home'  even with some supervision, had died having contracted pneumonia on New Years Day.
That didn't particularly surprise me as I had seen over a two year period when I visited her, a marked deterioration in her condition an her moving from limited informal oversight from family and neighbours to more formal careworkers coming in and a 'careline' being put in although she always looked after her personal hygiene and ate well.
My Aunt was one of the central characters in my life because I often visited her at least once a week if I was 'home' myself as it was a home from home where given the many issues and incidents on my weirdo family history that would break out. I go spending hours with talking about things as she'd try to settle me down from the drama around my home life having left often with a book, some money and my plushies.
She lived with her parents because she needed a some support although she worked for a good number of years at automotive factory locally until taking retirement and so that unit was in my ways an alternate family for me that did accept what we know would see as a more child-like regressive side from my teens and older.
They also spend a lot of time talking to me about pasts, my families pasts, their pasts and how we ended up where we did encouraging me to talk more about what was was on my mind and why it was troubling me.
This was a link I kept up for a very long time so outside of my regular at least once weekly  visits I go with Mom around birthdays and Christmas, chatting along the way with her neighbours and indeed it did get to me this christmas past as it was a ritual I missed from the previous year.
The one thing I know is I'll miss her.

Christmas Edition

It's usual on this blog to write something around Christmas here because it for one thing it's a major childhood memory, it's almost as big on my age regressed side having that Christmas Eve anxiety at night thinking what I may be having and finally its two whole different days. A heady mixture, what?
I'm home with Mom and Grumpy and I can smell the Turkey cooking ready for Lunch with the turkey from Waitrose, Pigs in blankets made from independent butchers own bacon and sausages, fresh veg from de market in town as we visit our neighbours and having just opened my presents.

Fun that was a direct re-run from my actual childhood came from this annual with adventures from Dennis the Menace, Minnie the Mix and the Bash Street Kids plus a special annual of the Dandy featuring such favourites as Korky the kat, Desperate Dan and Beryl the Peril.

I had some money from Mom, one brother that were put toward some compact discs and a HMV voucher.

One you'll be hearing more about next year without a shadow of a doubt is this six super audio cd set of Beethoven's Symphonies, a sacd set of Sibelius Symphonies and Chopin Preludes sacd.
As well I had a scarf and blu rays of Back To The Future  together with the Karate Kid which were two of my favourite movies from the 80's as I slowly replace a few by the better looking blu ray versions.
I hope you had a super day with your gifts and toys but also with company too.
*Written on the Chromebook on Christmas Day!

Happy things

I think Its a good idea to take stock of the things that make us feel happy and loved
Things that make make me happy:
Colouring
Middlespace 
Cream
My Little and Middle Friends
Reading
My Uniform
Anime
Peaches the Panda
The Caregivers and others who look after me
Children's tv 
Dolls and Plushies
Teddy Bears
Music
Play 
Cartoons
Fish Fingers

The return of the school girl

Hi.
This is the first entry of September because I took a few days of from blogging cos I was going to be away for a few days so needed to use my time differently.
The first thing was packing cos I had a new once piece travel case as the handle on my old travel attache case broke which took some getting used to was it has a short compartment at the front for things like my tickets and timetables, a middle compartment for things I need immediately on arrival and a generous core for other things with a total weight capacity of 2.5 kg together with wheels to drag it around.
That meant I only that had my hello kitty hand luggage carrying bag which I kept Katie Kitten in as she helps me deal with social anxiety, cellphone, outbound ticket ready for inspection and hello kitty purse.
As we had had heavy showers up here, I did have my Peter Storm waterproof jacket with me too.
Given I didn't need to be out early I caught a later local bus to join the service calling at the North-west Midlands leading rail hub to travel down my friends.
I had a few damp moments between connections but despite warnings about signalling issues on the train, that went very smoothly with the train being on time so having come in at the station in this part of South Staffordshire, I was met and walked to the parking lot just beyond the station before a short car journey to their home.
Upon arrival I changed to my middle uniform a black tunic with a zip having my hello kitty slipper socks on over my white 3/4 white socks with bows.
Over the period I did a lot of colouring  taking my new pencils as well as my Frozen colouring with me to work on as well Lucy one of my dollies to play with which probably says a about why I spend my time with and at littles meets here in the UK.
It's to be in (for me) middle headspace, just enjoying things more associated with actual middles without the sophistication's or concerns of groan ups during that period, just some point where I'm focussed on small things  and not like being preoccupied with news or adult interests.

So it was a welcomed surprise to be working sat at a traditional school desk and chair in uniform  doing my colouring, something that mentally took me back in time, feeling very much that child in class in view of groan ups. It's a feeling I feel very comfortable with, bring back many memories  from my past.
This is so much me.
We had a lovely chicken roast and home made plum pudding for our evening meal enjoying a sing song and quiz in the evening until it was time for me to sleep on the couch in front of the fire which I quite like anyway.  It's the feline in me!
I had a good nights sleep after about twenty minutes ready for the next day.
I got up sometime around 7:30 which is actually a bit later than normal for me, had a wash and got dressed in good time for everyone to be up drink and talk.
As is my want I did play at being a cat making the appropriate movements with my paws and meowing between colouring.
We had a cooked breakfast that was much appreciated before I left to join my train on the way home.
After Auntie Andi had dropped me off at the station, I caught the 13:20 that calls at our rail hub and as I was feeling tired I got a taxi off the rank straight home to cut out the waiting in very good time, directing my driver who was from Mid-Cheshire.
Thanks to Jennifer and Susan (no other name or Gah!) for their cooking and hospitality and Auntie Andi for giving me  a lift back to the rail station,

Meadowland III

After the last  more heavy weight entry I thought I'd write something a bit different today.

To me, as much as we talk about the active, doing things, like the places we travel to, the things we undertake there are times when you need something that's more reflective, enabling you to think through the stock of experiences you'd had.
They may not be just those of the last few days or weeks even but from way back in time because those past events have helped shape us and do influence to a point how we see both ourselves and the things that are currently happening in our lives.
So time spent away from the immediate hear and now, albeit online activity or face to face in favour of time in a secluded pleasant place well away where we are able to let our mental guard down and just think at length free from interruptions is beneficial.
Standing, watching local meadowland is one thing I find that helps and it sums it up in that at first glance it doesn't look that busy but when you really get to focus in, you see a lot of small connected things happening.
I think learning to discern things, identifying patterns is very desirable in itself.
*Photo by me.

Charlie

As you might recall, something unexpected was given to me at Christmas (and I'm still overdue one present!) but it needed shall we say a bit of work to give it some life.

That's right the Grafix build your own teddy bear  that needed some groan up assistance with it  as I don't do sowing and so on with my amazingly bad hand to eye co-ordination.
Well at least he's alive is Charlie Bear having been named, having his birth certificate filled out and quite huggable too.
Tis a good life to be a teddy bear of a little.
Before I forget, I'd like to thank some new acquaintances  from one site some littles, others people who've been helping littles in their lives who are reading this blog.

Littles dress patterns

I'm in great frame of mind right now so I thought I'd post this set of dress patterns from May 1950 looking a Mother and Daughter dresses and especially the aprons.

Third from the left just feels so me had I'd of been around back then.

One reason I'm feeling so great is a person whose name I shall not say said at a place you'd least expect it - paraphasing as something to the effect 'this blog is the one that really gets what it means to be a little'.
Yes, this one girl publication of many out there is apparently is it!
I'd like to think it's cos it authentic coming direct from 'the little girl within', it doesn't push any one form of being a little and encourages you to be the little you are, as you come to it.
To the person who said that, I am most moved, really I am.

Spring edition 2014

Spring has sprung here not that I exactly appreciate resetting all the clocks in the house as well as the one on the 13 year old S-Vhs video recorder by hand as  ever since they turned off  the old analogue tv, it no longer automatically resets itself.
However one thing I love is walking through the woods nearby where the birds have formed their nests, raising their young, seeing them flying calling out to each other from one end of the wood to the other. Then there's the squirrels climbing up the trees, traversing the branches before moving along to another and repeating the cycle which in a way the Seasons are all a part of.

One thing you find certainly here both along the highways, parks and some folks private gardens are daffodils, usually commercially cultivated  ones out in full bloom and there was a reason why I selected that commercial image apart from its' technical quality.

Spring is a time of renewal, of rebirth which you see when the bulbs having been planted previous years germinate, throwing out the flowers in all their glory which is well depicted.

There's a girl in that picture, maybe one whose thrown off the more austere winter attire to something that feels so much more fresh and vibrant as she engages with new life being herself.

Coming down the stairs last night the symbolism just struck me.

Revitalized girl

Ha! that got you thinking, eh?

Well between the rain dampening my bones and the return of the gale force winds thoughts went back to creature comforts.

Part of the treatment for girls like me includes wearing shorter skirts outside of schooling as they do take away most the elements of appearing grown up, do look quite and can aid disciplining.

Well kinda connected I guess is this

Okay they're flat ballet pump styled but let's be honest here with the effects of my cerebral palsy on walking as fanciful as heels might be, the one big problem I have is being able to walk maintaining my balance and I wobble badly in heels (maybe I need crutches?) so practicality wins out.

One the other hand they are feminine, do possess a bow and are sufficiently school like to wear with my uniform.

Christmas 2013

For me Christmas started with waking up rather early in anticipation following the previous nights chat and actually being sat with Mommy for a brief period in the front room still in uniform watching a church service!
Having woken up I got dressed and fixed some breakfast before the start of present exchanging that I'll return to shortly and the inevitable nya's from my cat who really, really doesn't like having his routines turned upside down by human festivities.
By around 11:30 my younger brother and partner had arrived shortly followed by my older brother and male he lives with so I get my outstanding card giving sorted having decided after lunch would be better to deal with presents.
We went to the local Gastropub, the one The head girl of Lower 6th and First Former met me within spitting distance of for a meal cos Mom didn't feel like catering for everyone, something I quite agree with as she deserves a break from that having pre-booked both table and meal options. I declined a starter, finished off a Turkey platter with  vegetables  plus cranberry sauce  and a delightful Lemon Bell sweet with cream. Service was excellent with the only real negative being the boring boy toy talk at the table.
Getting back to presents, I presented mine upon our return which for the males of species was kinda easy to arrange as much as prefer carefully selecting something for an individual as they're kind of boring and with my brothers had gotten together to buy Mommy a new tv for her bedroom as her old one was, well old, and needed an external digital tv box to enable it receive anything.
I'm delighted to say a couple of ikky boy things of the wrong size and gender aside, most of my gifts were little and even distinctly LG for once.

Mommy excelled herself  this year with this Hello Kitty  face cloth and hand towel set which will be ideal for Camp.

Also she bought me a new and very girlie  pair of pull on fur lined slippers and some cute socks.  By the way that bell's kinda old and loud!
She also bought me one of three specialty cds  I had -a Gold cd of Crosby Stills and Nash (1977 aka "Boat Album") - the others are by Hall and Oates and the Doobie Bros
Inside the pile of parcels were the 2014 Beano, Dandy and Jacqueline Wilson annuals  plus a special 75th anniversary Christmas Beano special with reprints from the past in it including some stories I recall first time around!

Hurrah for Minnie The Minx and the Bash Street Kids!

Did you know there is a place in the Wolverhampton area where you can get a Desperate Dan Pie that is massive?

My copy has a poster included.Also included was Diamond, a new hardback novel by Jacqueline Wilson continuing the Hetty Feather story. I like her books loads.

There were copious quantities of chocolates too.
I had a new torch that doesn't use old type bulbs (It has nine L.E.D. things) from my Younger brother that is a good deal brighter from my old one useful for Camp and other occasions.
A pair of the wrong socks can easily be turned around into a pair of socks suitable for a school girl soon enough - done this morning actually - so while I'd rather that kinda stuff didn't happen, there's no point obsessing over it as you can deal with and anyway not everyone is fortunate to receive presents at all. Talking of which I also did get some more 'regulation' lingerie.
I went to have my nap just before evening meal as I was starting to feel flatlined - an unfortunate side effect of being pawley and then had a Beef salad and a home made Trifle.
Here endeth  my Christmas report, typed fully uniformed and advise the next scheduled edition will be within the last day or two of December.

Being your complete self

This upcoming week, I'll be off on an adventure and so need to get myself prepared for it in the next few days so I'll have a little less spare time for blogging and that although I'm looking forward to it.
Looking around the internet as you do, I saw this captioned image  - as you'll know I don't generally do captions - but in a way it gets to the heart of the matter. 
We'd all agree she's physically a grown up by appearance but what of the things she does, the things that make her happy? Sat here, I'm thinking she could easily of been like me in my late teens and twenties, looking sophisticated but wanting to play games, running around clutching her teddy.
And that's really the thing, this idea that everything you do once your chronological age gets past 14 if you're lucky something funny happens to how you're expected to behave, like everything is meant to purposeful, serious and unless you're a parent or grandparent and get the chance to relive your childhood with children you can't be seen do anything that's not.
You're a groan up!
Really it's so silly and actually detrimental to our own well-being emotionally (something that is increasingly being recognized by experts in the field)  that we need to say no to it.
Be responsible where it matters but don't jettison what makes you happy in the process.

The needs of littles

I'll begin this entry by first of all thanking the current 18 followers of my Tumblr which isn't a replacement for my blog just a place where random posts that wouldn't of necessarily fitted in here go and a place where between us there's an exchange of ideas and points of view around being a little or perhaps more accurately for me , a middle where we're not bashing each other.
As one unfortunate side of  being me is I have migraines frequently, this is being typed in advance as I sense one come on and I'll polish it after being out of commission for a few days.
That takes me to the start of this piece which is that many littles, me included, need a sense of routine around our lives in order to feel secure emotionally being neither lost in world that might appear to be quite random or worrying be that the worry of not knowing what'll happen next or the worry of strange situations and people.
Actually most people do have set routines that they feel the need to complete usually around say eating routines such as getting up and having a round of toast and coffee not thanking you for changing it, but can deal with re-ordering events reasonably well which if you've ever been stuck in an airline terminal for hours you'll understand. It's just rather more intense for a good number of us. The world is out of control and we can't stand it! For me such things as colouring, school work, playing and so on all help to keep me calm.
Routine does almost invariable lead us into structure and while it's generally agreed most folks need some structure -changing the day structure around as people who work night shifts do creates issues - generally speaking for most adults they can create their own structures, for a number of us we're lost without one being in place, knowing such things as who is doing what, what are we exactly to do and who is in charge that for some of us is critical because we respond better for being in situations where effectively we're told we're now going to do this now rather than being relied upon to somehow read the unspoken signs.
It's hardly surprising therefore that for a number of us we miss greatly the structure of school to the point whereby we may role play it and that's indicative of  a need I feel.
Positive reinforcement comes in to as I suspect for a whole host of reasons: a number of  us have issues around self esteem, feeling less than confident in our abilities needing that  encouragement, that we're fine, what we're doing is okay turning out fine and as people we're good. Fortunately I get a lot of that in the workplace that helps when I'm battling with insecurities and can see if I was in relationship I'd need 'grooming' taking you back to that "That's a good girl stage".
To me these are among some of needs we have and are critical to be meet for our well-being  for me personally coming to terms with them has been a great help rather than just denying their existence.

The day before the edition

For me with just one day to go this is so apt a playful Tomboy can become that refined pretty young lady even if chunks  of how I'm wired mean I can't do everything you expect and I still require your love  and support.

Sleepy-byes

This really is sort of way I make any room when I go away on vacation really mine by adding a least a plushie or two and say a flower. I do prefer though to have more books, plushies and playthings in a room as it does feel really to spartan for me, preferring more the feel of a childs bedroom which is me really.
I really don't care that much about having a tv so long as there's a room in the house I can watch tv shows on.