Memory stick musings

I'm just getting on with writing up this blog over the weekend where I have been a bit low in spoons which happens at times with me.
Over the last week or so I've  been thinking a bit about the difference in where I am now and where I was at a good eight to ten years ago which may seem only like yesterday to me given how my brain is wired but actually is a significant amount of time.
For one thing, that was the post breakdown period with me where I hit the buffers trying to play a role I had been encouraged to by a lot of so-called disability experts who today I see as people who fundamentally were trying to deny the major part disabilities play in my life and to a large extent shape by denying the impact and in effect having me do slot into their idea of what a 'successful' disabled person was supposed to be - an achiever showing academic abilities despite disabilities rather than a person who is may well be capable but with significant functioning issues that require constant support.
The other stemming from the same place was they also denied how those limitations mean in terms of mental development, I was functioning several years younger having the overview, language and mindset of a more junior child at high school and several years further on at the same point but being expected to perform at an adult level.
This simply isn't and hasn't in a number of decade hasn't occurred because however good I may be at filling in some gaps, the larger ones remain and to an extent even the fact I do fill the minor gaps leaves me the more vulnerable because people focus on that 'achievement' rather than what I cannot cope with and why I struggle making my way through adult life and situations.
Another of the things around this period was discovering networks sometimes websites sometimes hubs and it was one these that caught my eye Monday when looking through a  memory stick with more of an eye to pictures of my old monitor and its Charmmy Kitty screen saver, I spotted some screen prints done off it from a site I spent quite a bit time on.
Yahoo 360 for the youngsters, was a giant hub where lots of groups had spaces on, you could message and blog and your blogs were interactive, you had a update stream from what your friends were doing  and at the time I was looking around  littles and Tg/'sissy' groups, talking with people, exploring that side of life which I enjoyed until it shut down around July 2009.
That lead to a blog being started *cough* to collate what old posts I originally had on Yahoo 360.
That was a part of my coping mechanism back then as I have been recently explaining a little to people about bringing life back into line with what actually works for me, what meets my actual needs not least the 'little' side of me cos not wishing to sound like a record it's not so much age play as being in an actual age regressed by anyone else's standards headspace without an off button.
One difference between now that period is the likes of Facebook, Tumblr and to a point Fetlife fulfill what we had circa 2007-9 with dedicate sites being more niche affairs and in some respects for me Tumblr fills the Yahoo slot although for more dedicated needs the likes of EE, FA, DDLG World and GT cover more group and have a better focus. Imho, Tumblr if it built in proper Communities support rather than groups who squabble of tag rights and alleged misuse of could easily be a total 2017 Yahoo 360 replacement.
The other is I do feel more stronger in myself to pursue the life that makes more sense and especially to ensure I'm in those settings that respect my real needs  being prepared to engage with me on the level I'm at, helping me to do what I can for myself while while accepting my child-like vulnerabilities prepared to just step in as needed to deal with any situations I land in.
That's come about through the baby steps I took through that period exploring my needs and making appropriate connections to communities where I really belong.
For me then the 00's were where it all came together,

Feeling good

Post Easter entry after being 'on the nom' , posting off that form after going for a bit of walk today and seeing someone said they were looking at good or positive stories given how things are in  the world right now.

You might wonder about this image but the initiated do know, while it's not something I'd wear all the the time, I have been know to wear short frilly skirts and t shirts which is super brave by my standards even been know to hide in sweaters in the midday sun before now so like I'm a bit braver than you'd think (or for that matter I'd necessarily credit myself with).
That has a lot to do with not feeling for a long time comfortable in my own skin or comfortable about how my disabilities effect my life and how other peoples attempts to 'normalize' me really messed my head up, not helping in creating a mindset very of being somebody else's version of me rather learning how to handling just being myself better.
Learning to open up about this part of my past is helping me not just identify what went wrong and deal properly with the emotions but to move on having actually learned the lessons rather than being stuck in that past.
Dealing with that form brought a lot of things about me to a head because the nature of it is really quite negative  so I would sooner now work with what I can do even with help, even if by necessity I'm treated as the adult-child I am, so I have the experiences that don't just build better, more positive memories from social interactions but also help move me on to contribute more to the lives of others.