Restoration post

Hi! It's been a rough old few weeks battling with being poorly here for much of the month to the point of feeling really out of things there are few things to talk about beyond Taylor's new album this week.

Ill health can come in many forms, it may be connected with a childhood condition or disability which it is with me unfortunately for others it's something that develops or occurs later on in their chronological life.

"D" has been a long standing member of our LG group although they do have a slighter older side for more years than I have, contributing to things like bringing and preparing food, helping organize activities with is like cat herding on steroids at times and generally keeping an eye people as people can and do have emotional responses not least those who just haven't had the chance to let the LG side of themselves out for domestic reasons.

An all round "good egg".

Recently she experienced a heart attack - her first - that required hospitalization that has left an impact for her that may well recover in time but also caused much concern to their partner of many years which with being of retirement age too has caused to to consider at least as far attending get togethers that may of been three or more days which involved a lot of travelling too attendance.

Her decision is to pull back from that - not pulling back from being little  - being open for the odd visit and I for one respect that because aspects of this life like travelling hundreds of miles to events takes a lot out of you.

Doing that in a day leave me shattered  and you do need to consider the time you may wish to spend with the rest of your family like grand children which in the bigger scheme of things are more important.

This can happen to all of us, arguably will happen as our bodies age in ways our minds and outlook do not so we ought to be prepared for that, passing the baton on to the next generation.  

May intro

 Monday was a bank holiday in these parts so no skool!

I've been working on a quiz should I get away July to tie in with the theme of the get together.

I say should for a few reasons, one being honestly after everything that happened in late January whole chunks of memory about what I was doing before seem to have gone missing in action so I don't even know I was "down" as in on a list to go as normally you get names and numbers to sort out rooms and that.

It's not that pay if it is I am going is a problem, sufficient to say there's more than enough in the account to write a cheque out without a problem just it's like living with memory loss and never being really sure of anything.

That I imagine will work itself out one way or another.

The other is putting a permanent hiatus on a very messed up Tumblr account with an blog that can't be posted on and very limited functionality on any others such as being unable to like posts from them and redirecting to a fully functional replacement.

I think over the years a habit of their of putting layers of code directly over the top of older ones and missteps by them have left it really messed up.

Love and understandings in middle/little space

Sometimes the Sqynx has an effect that goes beyond their initial context such as an abdl comic where topics arise within a page and some discussion in its comments box  takes part to which I have post a few observations but as I didn't wish to put highly personalized ones in there I thought It'd set them out here instead.
When a person sets out in their little/middle age regressed to build not so much on being emotionally that person playing but in the return of those structures and relating patterns that more mirror those of child to Parent such as a "Caregiver/little" there can be a difference between your sense of needing and wanting it as that little and being ready emotionally for the 'rolling back' when it comes to having that final say and certain of facets such as wearing and using diapers or how you are to to present yourself in their company.
This is something that the Caregiver needs to be aware of, talking through respecting limits even if over time they may change not seeing this as a automatic disrespect issue between little and Caregiver and treated accordingly
This is something in a less structured matter of fact way is talked through  between those adults in my life who assume Caregiver roles and myself all the time so they know my limits and I am clear on what we have agreed on.

When in their company I am very much that little/middle and this is my relating style personified not least when there is any question as to my conduct to the as Caregiver(s) very much their 'child' to whom all this happens not just because it is the authentic me but because they love me so much that they enable that side to present and be acted on by them as that child.

As that 'child' they look after me with all those expectations and rules that I stand attentively  deferring to them as my adult authorities as they scold and spank me as they feel appropriate.

Sometimes it is hard for some to understand that actually that allowing me that space to be and present as little/middle me and this other side are connected but actually they are.

Their scolding and spanking me is a reflection their love for me, that they know I can do better and need to be corrected to move me on, the very same love that allows me to be little me.

My spanked bottom is an  a sign of that that we all should be glad of.

*Some comments on blog layout*
As you may of noticed if you are viewing this via a traditional laptop computer rather than a smartphone or tablet computer, the layout may look different this is because of two things, one I am unifying the layouts between my little/middle blog, the middles journal "That Boarding School Girl" and this, Joanne's Dorm, for improved legability and ease of finding things such as pages.
The second is technical which is the template width across the board for all three are now set at 1100 px where originally they were set at 860px because way back in the mid 2000's computer monitors had such smaller resolutions that also were square shaped and today most are at least 1366x768px or better widescreen.
It put simply looks less squashed up and cluttered.
The original Blogger 'Classic templates were limited to 860px but I changed the templates to newer ones a year or two ago.

Random reflections

Hmm I'm kind of late with this cos I was feeling muzzy Monday and generally I tend to write this blog in real time from the feelings and emotions as experienced at that moment and I'm only a bit better today so kinda bear with me.
I was watching Tuesday morning the studio ghibi anime movie - anime isn't just like 20 odd minute episodes in a series animation from Japan, it has a full length form too - "The Tale of the Princess Kaguya" when a series of thoughts rather struck me of one is the sad and unpleasant  things are mixed in with the joyful pleasant ones in your one life.
Like you can't pick and chose them from whatever life you lead regardless of whither or not you actively sought  those and so imperfection is actual normal and is best expected in your life however much you may quite rightly strive toward more of the happy enjoyable things for you and those you care about.
Another was that sometimes what it is you what you do attracts attention that negates from what it is you yourself get from it and that people only want you for what they themselves get from you or in effect live through you.
I have seen this sometimes through how people attempt to put  age regression into boxes that either imply it something it just isn't or unwanted attention of a sexual kind. Sometimes more  to do with what being transgendered is with some to show you with friendship if you go their own way with what it means and pull back suggesting you're not meeting their idea of what presenting means.
Because I may not tick some peoples preferred boxes and labels pretty much refusing to go their way preferring to be honest to myself you can feel alone but I'd sooner that than feeling a hollow little faker.
I'm the kind of girl who keeps her own ball up in the air on her terms and nobody elses.

Memory stick musings

I'm just getting on with writing up this blog over the weekend where I have been a bit low in spoons which happens at times with me.
Over the last week or so I've  been thinking a bit about the difference in where I am now and where I was at a good eight to ten years ago which may seem only like yesterday to me given how my brain is wired but actually is a significant amount of time.
For one thing, that was the post breakdown period with me where I hit the buffers trying to play a role I had been encouraged to by a lot of so-called disability experts who today I see as people who fundamentally were trying to deny the major part disabilities play in my life and to a large extent shape by denying the impact and in effect having me do slot into their idea of what a 'successful' disabled person was supposed to be - an achiever showing academic abilities despite disabilities rather than a person who is may well be capable but with significant functioning issues that require constant support.
The other stemming from the same place was they also denied how those limitations mean in terms of mental development, I was functioning several years younger having the overview, language and mindset of a more junior child at high school and several years further on at the same point but being expected to perform at an adult level.
This simply isn't and hasn't in a number of decade hasn't occurred because however good I may be at filling in some gaps, the larger ones remain and to an extent even the fact I do fill the minor gaps leaves me the more vulnerable because people focus on that 'achievement' rather than what I cannot cope with and why I struggle making my way through adult life and situations.
Another of the things around this period was discovering networks sometimes websites sometimes hubs and it was one these that caught my eye Monday when looking through a  memory stick with more of an eye to pictures of my old monitor and its Charmmy Kitty screen saver, I spotted some screen prints done off it from a site I spent quite a bit time on.
Yahoo 360 for the youngsters, was a giant hub where lots of groups had spaces on, you could message and blog and your blogs were interactive, you had a update stream from what your friends were doing  and at the time I was looking around  littles and Tg/'sissy' groups, talking with people, exploring that side of life which I enjoyed until it shut down around July 2009.
That lead to a blog being started *cough* to collate what old posts I originally had on Yahoo 360.
That was a part of my coping mechanism back then as I have been recently explaining a little to people about bringing life back into line with what actually works for me, what meets my actual needs not least the 'little' side of me cos not wishing to sound like a record it's not so much age play as being in an actual age regressed by anyone else's standards headspace without an off button.
One difference between now that period is the likes of Facebook, Tumblr and to a point Fetlife fulfill what we had circa 2007-9 with dedicate sites being more niche affairs and in some respects for me Tumblr fills the Yahoo slot although for more dedicated needs the likes of EE, FA, DDLG World and GT cover more group and have a better focus. Imho, Tumblr if it built in proper Communities support rather than groups who squabble of tag rights and alleged misuse of could easily be a total 2017 Yahoo 360 replacement.
The other is I do feel more stronger in myself to pursue the life that makes more sense and especially to ensure I'm in those settings that respect my real needs  being prepared to engage with me on the level I'm at, helping me to do what I can for myself while while accepting my child-like vulnerabilities prepared to just step in as needed to deal with any situations I land in.
That's come about through the baby steps I took through that period exploring my needs and making appropriate connections to communities where I really belong.
For me then the 00's were where it all came together,

On restoring our faith in ourselves

As unfortunately events in London this Saturday showed only too well it isn't too difficult to disrupt, injury or even take lives in seconds even if thank heavens it only took 480 seconds which is near enough 8 minutes to draw the incident to a safe conclusion although its effects live on for longer not least in our hearts and minds and for a period when it comes to just getting about a major city such as our Capital.
The bigger part of this was touched on in my post of May 24th when I spoke about how such events affect us either as people who were present at such an outrage or as people, often from that area who feel other peoples loss and feel less than secure.
While I can't and maybe we all can't criticize the mass media for talking often at length about such incidents, all too often what we get is extended speculation and sheer impact rather than fact and this easily plays into our insecurities.
I think one of the things we need to bear in mind is what news is: it is the exception, that appeals to sensation and it can play very much on such understandable emotions as fear, anger, disgust and hatred when that is all we see and feel.
It can be a only too real form of mental contagion replacing what we know to be right by a sense of paranoia and in the light of such  recent events we need to arm our minds against ideas not least actually  that we are all interconnected.
One of the things people such as so-called Isis rather like others such as the I.R.A.  like to do is to play a game of dividing us us into groups by our nationality, ethnicity, religion or politics as if our belong any combination of such group somehow means we do not see the others as fellow human beings, not feeling  and caring for and about them.
We are all members of one human race who share the same values of love, compassion and respect for one another that are written in the overwhelming majority of world religions and if you subscribe to one you know that is something that is at the core of our lives.
It is what we owe each other.
We need to replace in our minds that fear which is too easily transmitted, that hate even by love affirming the universe truth which is love conquers hate but also will meet every human need coming from our common humanity and it starts sharing with the person next to us.
We need to arm ourselves too against the demonizing of entire communities, communities that would hold those actions by people claiming to act on them as shameful, devoid of any part of their beliefs and practises.
No one ever kills or injuries civilians especially children with the approval of God or Allah ever, for this is not endorsed in our great religions and anyone who suggests as much is lacking in the understanding of the faith they mistakenly link their wicked  acts to supporting or justified by.
A part of making it possible, however hard it is to come to terms with such awful inhuman acts, is that very support that comes from love when we act on it, and we need as much in love to act on it as it is to be prepared to allow others in to help us through showing us their love in practical ways.
We are not alone and we have a responsibility to help those who may feel alone and lost as best we can recover.

End of term

The sort of conversation I could picture at my school as one who did line up outside certain doors to the sniggers and "what trouble are you in?","What'cha gonna get" remarks other kids gave me although I didn't get into trouble at end of term unlike some.
This blog will be paused for a period after Christmas as I'll be busy helping out my family make Christmas happen and unlike in previous years in 2016 I am expected not to spending my time stuffing myself with chocolate while being online as part of making more more responsible for myself and others within my limits, helping out, doing more.
It also is the case that frankly I could use a break from a certain site too given the drama always going on and how events have effected me so badly so I need to prioritize my own emotional well-being more which this process I'm being put though is about.