16 going on 9 Jo

I think some indication of the mismatch between age and development socially compared to my peers can be taken by how it was at the age of sixteen I thought it was  okay to draw and  on the chalkboard and pin up childish drawings in our Form centre and write disrespectful remarks comments about teachers on any homework submitted when I felt like doing it while studying advanced subjects.
Academic interest was not matched by any sense of developmental maturity nor of any consistent ideas about wrong and right behaviors. I might well of benefited from being taken down a year or two and placed on their much stricter discipline regimes as much of that behaviour run into adulthood in the workplace.

Regressed replacements XVI

And if that wasn't enough the next day I had to call into the Head Teachers office.

She had me wait several minutes then meekly stand before her palms outstretched as she take a tawse to my hands saying you'll never ever do this again young Miss.
This was the most painful 24 hours of my life and I couldn't stop it.

Pushing the boat out

One of the memorable events of the Diamond Jubilee was the Thames pageant on Sunday last which, notwithstanding the god awful weather, continues pretty much to plan bar the air flypast and here's one image I like from it for anyone that missed the tv and newspaper coverage.
I quite like boats having sailed in my youth and this was a great colourful spectacular two years in the planning showing the man powered boats making their way down the Thames.

Today I've been sorting some stuff out for Goodwill as one side effect of running around and playing  is some of my BG clothes no longer fit as I've lost some weight which may mean more space for my LG stuff as most of that is either stretchy or has elasticated waists so fits even better (yay!)and making space for a new item that Taffy would wholeheartedly approve of (shh).

The classroom

A traditional classroom with desks, sloping seat chairs with the teachers desk complete with bell. Tellingly for the era, the wooden paddle is hung next to it in full view of the whole class no doubt as a reminder to every child to behave.

The return of play

This week something came to me in all this heat being out of doors for a bit of the time.
When was the last time you played in a public space?
I think it would of been about around age 13 and 2/3rds and in the process of reading a book around inner child rediscovery, the topic of when  and how the inner child got put away came up.


Here's a dialogue between mine and it's bigger self that follows the first one I printed a short while back.
Initials: LG - My younger side BG Big Girl/Adult side
BG: Hello again
LG Hi. You came back to see me?
BG: Yes.
LG: Why?
BG: It's been a short while since you and I made a pact. I need to know how you feel about it.
LG: When you said I could come out?
BG:Yes, that is it.
LG:I feel happy now. 
BG:That's good. Do you feel safe?
LG:I feel safer cos I know you will come and  protect me.
BG:I understand. You had a bad time in the past. Is there anything else you'd like to talk about?
LG: I want to run around and play outside. But I can't.
BG: You do? Why not?
LG: Before I got put away Mommy said too old for it.But I want to.
BG: Okay then, I say you go out and have a run around. Lot's of people run and there's no reason for you not to.
LG: You mean I can just run around?
BG: Yes but think about where, that's all. I'll help you with that.

On Sunday I run around a tree lined garden without a care in the world for the first time in ages in an area that was a bit secluded so I wouldn't feel too self consious but with plenty of light and near a sidewalk in case I needed help. It felt great

My schoolgirl side

Like naughtysusi, I'll also write this a bit unconventionally partly cos I like something different and partially cos some of the ideas readers may have simply don't apply to me.

I'm writing this several years on from beginning what may be called becoming a schoolgirl crossdresser although if you were to look far enough back into it, it's been going on right back into my schooldays.

You see, Crossdresser means differing things to differing people and more often than not it's used to identify a person who likes presenting as a gender different from that on their birth certificate but who doesn't feel or wish to be that gender. I'd like to say if that is you, I'm perfectly fine with it and glad you're enjoying the experience.

However in another sense if you are recorded as being one gender but feel you actually are of another then until the point that it is changed, then strictly speaking you are crossdressing.

I became a schoolgirl crossdresser therefore at an early age even for brief periods while at school thanks to the girls that helped me change uniform but never really got more started on it as in putting together a full uniform until I'd left formal education.

That uniform has a strong emotional resonance to me as something I desperately wanted to own, take care of and have to wear as that girl I felt so while part of my exploration centred around the more adult big girl, this whole schoolgirl side which had never really gone away.

So it was around a period of major profession related stress that I started off with experimenting with netball skirts and tops, the whole girly sporty thing in part cos girls sports were what I loved to play, when I was able to talk around folks into letting me be on the team and that I wanted to play in traditional girls sports kit.

I just found the whole experienced dressed as such such a great relaxation not least for feeling I was being a part of the denied me that it was not long before I started looking more into the regular daytime schoolgirl look.

One start point into that was more adult dark goth dresses not least the pinafore type which I wore for a period before encountering online communities of adult little girls and what you might call recreational school based role playing sites and establishments.

Encountering them lead me more into looking into full replica uniforms, that's to say the tops, outer garments such as skirts, socks and smalls that were and in some school still the proscribed have to wear brands.

It also lead to an examination in my mind of what sort of age range the schoolgirl I wished to present as was so seeing I felt more middlish -around the ages of 9-12 than the high school sort this lead me to something like UK Juniors uniform comprising of red sweatshirt, grey pleated skirt, white or grey socks with plain t shirt and regulation school smalls and a blue pleated zip fastening games skirt.

It's in this uniform as a schoolgirl, I've been out with littles/middles enjoying real life interactions being and playing that schoolgirl I always wanted to be finding life much much more enjoyable.

A few days ago spurred on by a local charity, I went through my wardrobe and noticed those early items that lead to being that uniformed schoolgirl, some that don't quite fit, all seldom worn today and they are to go.

As I wrote one an entry or two here at EP, the idea around having actual schoolgirl daytimes dresses has been with me for a long time and as those Goth variants were to go together with a few other things it was time to decide what to do about it.

Because I so wish to wear an actual schoolgirl pinafore as uniform, I decided to get myself two, one grey and one black to replace them with together with a black pleated elasticated skirt.

Everything for this schoolgirl crossdresser is turning full circle, that girl is being out as herself as being dressed as such online, the adult goth transforms to schoolgirl outgrowing that attempt at accommodation of the inner child, shreading that attire.

She has become the schoolgirl increasingly in her pinafore being the little she really is.

Classroom experiment

Education at high school the way I wanted it to be.
Most of science work was completed individually at your own desk, rather than in small groups collaboratively  which may of helped with my shyness and lack of confidence while wearing a traditional pinafore dress is just so me although it is more common in UK high schools today to wear matching separate blouse with either a more senior skirt or trousers.