Regressed thoughts

Once upon a time, would of been around January 2015 I had a Tumblr having been there for a couple of years and found the regressive and caregiver/little communities of the that time, realizing really this is what I'm about and always had a clear need for.

 

It just arises from within me because I have this rather more child-like mind that's always around which is often good cos unlike a person who who may of lost having more of an adult sense of self, to be blunt, I never had it.
So it's not a bad thing at all for me.

The thing is like a good number of us I have the other side of this thing as part of the whole who gets into stompy rants, lashes out and gets into grandstanding displays of defiance.

That's when I started The Woodshed tumblr as I started to realize there was a missing half from the regression and having a need for a caregiver.

I had realized I needed that caregiver and ideally other trusted adults to step back in with firm lecturing to remind me of where I was and how I should be acting.
But that wasn't all.
There are so many times I feet this is how I wanted to be treated.

 

I have still the need to be corrected as a child, not helped by not being corrected sufficiently that I have no still idea of how to behave at times.
It appeared I wasn't alone in that and actually I wanted old fashioned paternalistic spanking because it could break my cycles of defiance and not listening and a warm smarting bottom helped me pay attention and co-operate with them to help me behave.
I'm thankful for this as I'm a lot calmer and more in control of my feelings than I was way back then.

Regressive correction

Tumblr's ownership is changing on Sept 26th but that's not going to alter this blog purpose one bit.

 
Reading is one thing I do like and I have read Juliet at the Chalet School a few times with the reminder of that series together with Enid Blyton's boarding school series for good measure. 

One thing that has always been a bit of an issue is I find I really need corporal punishment running across my life as my own ability to regulate my emotions or have the foresight to see how I am carrying on has an affect not just for me but on others is not good.

 
You might think suggesting quietly I didn't do something would work but I just ignore such 'low voltage' approaches  being poor on picking up clues.

 
On the other hand just raising a voice doesn't really work with me I'd be so over stimulated by that I'd go straight into oppositional behaviour mode, challenging you to the bitter end.

 
You find what tends to work for me is you just take over and give me something that can't be argued with or ignored - a well spanked bottom held down firmly so I have to have endure it to the point I surrender my behaviour and accept your limits.

 
This includes a discrete lifting of my skirt and a firm smack being delivered to my bottom as anyone important comes in to remind me to behave and the consequences that just happen if I don't before I have done anything.

 
To be honest I like people when I'm like this just with prior approval (as all else is technically assault) to feel free to just take me to one side and spank my bottom for me whenever they feel I need it.

Pushing away

As I'm typing this it's raining hard  from what I can make out of the gloom just showing through my bedroom window at this hour so whither or not I get outside remains to be seen although after another day where the politicians singularly failed yet again discussing and voting on trade options after the EU but NOT passing an actual withdraw agreement that EU Rules require before they can start negotiating trade outside of it with us.
It's hardly surprising then that a return to the constants in my life has been around in the last month or so across the board as much as because all that "groan up" stuff I've struggled with motivation. 

I have been spending more time out not just walking although I have been doing that too but also sat in the park, just focusing on what's around such as the various flowers that are starting to emerge from the winter, passing insects and birds and trying to keep my mind more more on what I need to do rather than being diverted toward those things that really I have little control over.
I have been doing a bit more reading, reading more of the kinds of stories I loved in original childhood with mysteries and adventures and connected with it spending a bit more time on a website for people who like that kind of fiction, talking with them.
Being in more of a child-like mindset makes for a big difference not least when as it was at the weekend Mother's day over here cos our relationship is still very much child to parent.
As well I have been around SN as tensions lead to toward issues in my emotions and breakdowns when it comes my behaviour that can be talked through as much as with someone like me spanking or at the very least a reminder of its likelihood really helps with it as I easily get into oppositional conduct striking out.
That sites recent changes seem to have reinvigorated it not just in having a software update but also when it comes to interaction with more discussion as well as 'fun' threads.

Reflections on Ghoulish Party weekend

While on the other blog an account of this weekends activities will be posted Monday because it takes time from arrival back to get it typed up to fit my publishing schedule  I will write a bit around how the week that included it went.

One of the first things I can honestly say was I actually got myself a workable plan together for both dealing with being away such as making sure I had my blog posts ready and also from the point of view of getting myself personally ready which hasn't always been good.

I managed to get the packing neatly done in good time in such as a way to help spread the load as I was bringing a bit more for the event than I usually did making a check list for the stuff so I could be sure I had it packed.

I also tried to do things in associated groups such as whole day changes being done in batches to lesson the chance of anything not making its way in and as ever sorting out money into that I'd need travelling with plenty of change and that I'd need later on.

I did remember to phone to let the person picking me up I was on my way and to pay attention to anything they were saying regarding any possible delays on their part.

Equally I was pretty helpful tidying up as needed, washing up without needing reminding and helping out in the kitchen.

I often struggle with following what is being said especially when theirs a lot background noise or other conversations going on but  I did manage to understand and use what was said pretty well this time.

As well this year I felt more junior than had before, going more with just being that little/middle. 

I think all over I did pretty good this time.

Away day schooling

It's a bit of a while since I wrote anything around the re-creation of schooling a form of words I'm now a bit more for as "school based role play" for me implies in part I am role playing the child at school and with me this whole whole thing is more like I have that child running 24/7 in me.
Effectively you've created a school with all the things I recall of my education that I just attend.
One of the things I did involved having a math  lesson taught to me by a person being  a teacher doing what was called "chalk and talk" where they would talk away but write important concepts and any questions on the chalkboard for you to do.
For my part I was dressed in a traditional black tunic (Brit speak: "Gymslip") with tie and school socks at a equally traditional wooden desk with a  hole for in, grooves for your pens and a lift up slightly sloped lid that before flat "Go-Pak" stacking school furniture such as tables became popular you had together with matching wooden chairs with an S shape bottom.
Like most I was taught metric units as my home country went metric during this period  although for somethings imperial never went away like road distances and part of this lesson covered an introduction to Imperial weights and measures that I had to sit and write down from the chalkboard including the questions set on each unit.
This covered ounces, pounds, stones, hundred-weights  and tones when it came to Mass, inches, feet, yards, cubits, chains and miles in linear measurement.
I also had set some multiplication and division work too that I had to copy, answering all the questions.
The work from the point of view of presentation, neatness of writing and showing of workings out was examined in addition to marking the answers to questions set and my attitude toward studying.
My work was then written on in red pen.
Overall I hadn't done too badly but I had made a few mistakes down to not being as careful as I should of been as when asked to show how I got the answer where I had made mistakes, I did get it right first time so it wasn't a question of not knowing or comprehending.
Because it was that and nothing to do with my actual learning limitations which are NEVER a reason to, I was instructed to bend over the desk at each unit where this had occurred to be spanked either by hand or for one which was more around not paying sufficient attention to the work, the tawse.

This needless to say did hurt persisting for some time but to be honest, it is what lead to it that really is more the problem: I don't take the care I could to produce work that limitations aside I am actually capable of, that reflect my abilities rather than my disabilities.
In that sense what might in the past of been called "school based role playing" has real benefits in helping to change because it identifies in real-life situations those attitudes and behaviours that need correcting and delivers the lessons that in all honesty people who were less centred around the dis in my disabilities excusing me and more on abilities and training me to use them properly in same way my peers were really should of done.
For me then this bit of the weekend away was really beneficial.

Dynamics in a little /middle relationship

Part and parcel of the entire thing around being a little or middle is centred on the rolling back of post adolescent control (assuming  you got to point developmentally you took that from adults such as parents) on an agreed basis to another trusted adult as if they were the parent of an adult-child called you.
One reason this happens is because in order to let out our child-like feelings to the fullmost extent, it requires the security that someone else will take care of our higher needs in terms of keeping safe, having good  habits and behaviours.
It may be rather like with people such as me actually you didn't quite make it that far anyway so in that context you'd be doing a part of that anyway keeping me safe but in a Caregiver role it builds on it respecting the extent to which I'm not functionally an adult and so by agreement treating more as a child even if you do work on some personal independence.
However that situation is, there is a need, a desire to provide guidance, direction and maintain clear boundaries in much the same way as there between actual children and adults such as parents and others in authority that may cover things such as manners, personal hygiene, obeying and respecting what you are told and so on. Somethings may seem trivial such as elbows on tables others more serious but the point here is to ensure you are in your place following the rules and in much the same way as a parent is, your Caregiver is in theirs, in control, having the final say in your life to teach you what you need to know.
The whole relationship dynamic plays out in the everyday situations between adult-child you and whoever is your Caregiver or disciplinarian as you either forget or purposely push the boundaries.
Their role by agreement is the reinforcement of that role and the enforcement of the rules so that you learn over time by repetition what it is you are expected to do and to keep to them.
This whole process is called disciplining and as little/middles it is we have agreed to, often feeling it is  what it is we need and are by agreement subject to while children are but don't as legal children need to consent to it.

For many of us it will start with scolding, bring very much to the focus what we have done and what it is that is wrong with our attitude or behaviour. That's kept short with me because of my problems understanding what is said to me but does happen.
The next step is the consequence for what we did which is often a spanking, typically over the knee that might by hand or implement such as a hairbrush/paddle but may involve say the cane depending on what both of you have agreed on.
They may be time spent in the corner reflecting on what you did as your now sore bottom hurts.
What is important is reassurance-reassurance that you are a good boy/girl, that you will learn from this, that you are forgiven and loved. Ideally they should be prepared to work you with tackling why you needed disciplining because that's their responsibility in the relationship and some getting a genuine sense satisfaction from reparenting their little.
For me this whole thing is  me placing in the emotional/developmental setting that's appropriate for me - that of a child - and doesn't include any sexual motivations or related adult kinks.
To me it is the place I feel comfortable in where my vulnerabilities will be both respected and protected, not expected to cope with those things I cannot so I am happy to allow trusted adults to have a more openly parental role treating me more as a child they look after and discipline outside of my own Caregiver.

Littleness, regresssion and age-play

As ever on Tumblr there's a battle going on between people over what being a little is and any involvement of those under 18 in it however as ever there is more heat than light being generated by the keyboard warriors with many meme's and posts being put up and commented on.
This one is quite well intentioned in trying to explain the difference between age-playing and what emotionally appropriate behaviour that comes from being in actual state of regression where your responses come from the child within and less than any kind of scripted character you play.

 I do feel they have however got Little Space actually quite wrong because that is the emotional and behavioural environment  that as  a person who has regressed you have got into - you feel and so respond as that child - and not the act of being a little.
To get into it it is true you need to regress or otherwise release that child within an adult body or if you are like me not to have developed into it fully anyway.
There are some who are trying to put in a schism between the ChIRes advocates of littleness by regression and that of Caregiver/littles who are being characterized as a part of of the more 'adult' bsdm side.
For  me the whole point in a CG/l relationship is effectively that while in that headspace the Caregiver is providing the love, nurturing and support that is the equal of a parent or guardian arising from those needs as their little you have.
It is not necessarily sexual although some may enjoy that however meeting any sexual needs may find themselves which might be only in their 'Big' side of life.
They are not so much opposites degrees in which individuals chose to live their lives making informed decisions recognizing as appropriate the issues of informed consent as the bottom line always is that as adults legally only we can consent-minors regardless of any other feelings simply cannot deemed the responsibility of others such as parent(s) or guardians.

Summer LG Camp extras

My main blog entry  Summer LG Camp 2016 covers the major account of my six days  including Summer 2016 LG Camp  that I attended such as activities that I was involved in and so on but this is more the reflections on the experience as I experienced it emotionally.
As an adult little girl who is more on the Middle side for me this whole thing is rather like the Caregiver/little side of things in that it is a space to allow the child-like me out to play and interact as if I was an actual child at a emotional age appropriate level for me, the one impacted significantly by my developmental/learning disabilities that in so many ways I function ordinarary and with no choice at that level.
It's hardly age-play, I mean I didn't choose it, it just the hand I was given and it's a matter of learning to make the most of the only life I have.
I have been interested as much as I'm more around upper UK juniors and first year senior side about things more associated with younger children as for example I've always been drive to spin or rattle things such as whizzing tape reels around or enjoying the sound of winding a cassette back with a pencil or impulsively leaping to a rattle.
While I was away a "Baby Gym" with a pretty patterned mat and mobiles that made noises had been set out and I though, "Right, it's a quiet area" and decided to have a bit of a play with it.
It only took a few minutes and I sensed myself shifting to a younger more tactile headspace playing with it so while I may not identify with AB, some things from it could be in my little space needs that benefit from being met.
The other large side to this that for this whole period I am in a setting where my behaviour and attitudes are under the gaze of adults with authority over me and where I know I will be taken to one side and spanked without exception for any breaches of what I know isn't acceptable.
I do tend to ignore no's blanking them out or get into oppositional behaviour because my emotional side is running at a child's and not even necessary a maturing teen level and spanking is part of the way I'm being managed to put a stop to this to help me mature within my limitations in the way I generally wasn't before.
In that way I'm in the middle/little headspace where Authority has the final say and I am slowly learning, changing my behaviour so much so that I didn't need a spanking just doing what I am expected or am told to do with no back chat.
Connected with that is that they are challenging my low expectations of not just what I can do but of what it is I am to be expected to do from now on to help me grow up a little, taken on a bit more personal responsibility and contribute more to.
In this way they're putting me through growing pains and strict discipline to move me from where I had been parked.
Some of this showed for example in the Games morning where in the past I'd of not taken part in things that I both find difficult with my physical as well as developmental/learning disabilities such as being rubbish at archery, not understanding instructions well, poor co-ordination and lack of strength I'd of gone down the route of oppositional behaviour but I was informed I was to bring my games kit, put it on and be in a team regardless.
In other words I was to adopt a more grown up mature approach which would be overseen to help me with them ensuring I co-operated.
I am so thankful as hard going doing this is, they're putting me through it because I need help to change and be the best I can, not the least I can get away with.

I Guess I'm Different Part II

Well last weeks bit of a post created some interest amongst those that ready my comments at various forums and art based sites where I am publishing some short back to the past regressive stories.

One of things across this blog I've been talking about is what is me.
I'd normally hesitate to use a term like define because it seems to me define often excludes those things I may share with people for saying how I'm not the same as when to me at least what you are includes both.
It's also the case that self realization can lead at the very least to a reframing of what that definition may include if not a wholesale change.
Change is constant but the biggest constant in all of this for me the lack of of an adult sense of self and of place in the presence of others who are adults by age; My relationship to you is defined by me looking toward you for guidance and authority because you are the adult I am not and cannot be.
The answer to the question what is my sense of place is simple: I am a girl and much less a woman.
By the standards of most I'm not 'normal' in that way not least for the role my developmental disabilities play in this that means for me it's not 'age play' so much as 'emotional and developmental age is'. It's the not normalness of me that actually is my strength and what is wonderful about me.
The thing is then we must be honest about these needs and work through ways of meeting them so I'm emotional and developmental age treated approximately for the girl I am for me to make the most of myself and contribute to society rather than ignoring the elephant in the room.

I guess I'm different

This is an extra bit to the World of Joanne_chan entry of July 4th 2016 Summer Day Out
If part of the reason for being away for a day was to avoid the stress and life sucking nature of post Brexit political fall out which had left me feeling really quite flat and a bit edgy there were others things too.
One is it provide me an opportunity to see how what I have learnt  since the rule book with me was changed with having people such as my caregiver providing a lot of support, teaching coping mechanisms to deal with stressful situations, understanding more of how my behaviour impacts on others and how spanking me is leading to changed attitudes since that came back into my life.
Without a shadow of a doubt  being on the streets on a Saturday using stores  is a one of the most stressful things for me most of which are related to things such as my poor co-ordination which shows in weaving between crowds, my dyslexia when it comes to reading and finding items in space, my audio processing disorders making out what is said especially with background noises.
Also my learning/developmental disabilities come in  such as not understanding what it is that I'm being told, what it means, feeling lost 'freezing over' at the counter requiring to be prompted and treated more like a child generally.
I am still having some freezing with two assistants asking if I was okay but with their help we got through this. I also felt able enough to deal with questions and attempts to sell me other things by turning them down but politely rather than either just going along with it cos I so wanted to leave the store signing anything or getting very  cross with them.
I found some people who could help me with crossing the road on my own without pelican crossings because I have poor road sense and even with them I get scared in case cars don't stop.
I'm also not good with directions, getting lost easily.
You see I am different. I am a child-like adult who needs to be treated more that way given support to be be as independent I can and still subject to child-like rules and structures.
When you do that, I have a better life than if you pretended I was 'normal' as if I had no more needs than any regular adult.

Alternative presentations

Much of things that cover what passes as little or middles presentation is routed within my main occupation, adult school girl, so tends to based very much being that school girl and obviously her uniform.
It can include what you might call free or play time attire, stuff that's okay for playing, especially out of doors where things may get stained or damp which I have touched on before.

More indoors obviously  but co-ordinates like this are things that do appeal to me  even if I may need a nudge from daddy to get me in them.

I do like bows but aren't really big on frills  so these thigh high stockings  and panties with a understated bow on would work.

Truthfully one issue from the past with me was seeing and wearing maids dresses not out of desire for humiliation but more from wanting to be more the gurl who wishes to be of service and as a sissy has no issues with doing so.

Daddy's girl

Just been getting things ready to visit a adult who I'll stay with for two and a bit days which involves finding my travel stuff like my washbag and my clothes which are generally what they wish me to be in when in their company as the 'child' they look after.

 Having done quite a bit of that I'm just lying across the bed relaxing a bit before I eat and thinking about about this life of mine .
It's quite a bit different than it was several years back because in so many ways I'm  back to where I was as a competent child whose special needs are being dealt with by Daddy, who is in touch with me across each day making sure I'm alright, not feeling troubled because he cares enough to check.
My daddy talks with me most nights before sleep about the day so I have a proper bedtime routine and when he judges I am feeling tired he makes sends me to bed straight away with  with bedtimes kisses.
I have this emotional intimacy with him as his girl who he cares for in way I've never had  before trusting him to help me make decisions  and equally I show my love for him by taking an interest in his life, health and work.
I love my daddy so much I want to obey him as daddy's girl subject to his loving correction.
The one thing I know for sure is I am truly fortunate to have daddy that loves and protects me as his own.

On needs

There is this sadly unmet for many need is just that, it has a powerful emotional component that goes beyond what may need to be done in the direct physical sense (and for me personally there is), it is to loved, cared for, protected and cherished very much as that child.
It won't be many minutes right now for me that  routine will start as he gets up and addresses me as his child using his affectionate nick-name for  me and I have one for him where he will explore how I am feeling, what I need to do reminding me of things he wants me to do which sadly this week means resting cos I'm poorly.
I talk to him about his work, his interests and how he is feeling too because this is a relationship of the two of us that we need to maintain not least to enable him to provide me with that thing I need now and lacked in original childhood - a sense of being cared for, understood and where necessary corrected which he is quite firm over so I learn to take better care of me, making better choices. It is as you rightly say that constant and consistent reminder to be good, make good decisions, that they are always looking out for you that we badly need.
It fills the gap left  and even at the time not even met by parents who had lots of issues between themselves and to whom it has taken a lot of work to patch up the damage and a good number of us still hurting from those formative experiences and making that leap of faith for us is hard to

Resting paw edition

It's been a quiet week for me after Weekends schooling  where I did pretty well with my English and Math studying I had some moving of things to do with changing bits of my stereo and what was to changed was both heavy about 8 kilos, an awkward shape and needed wiring in.
The trouble is I've badly strained both my hands which as anyone who knows me are aware happen to be badly damaged from an industrial injury to the point I'm incapable of work.

Thing is this is 2016, not 1994 so it is no longer just me involved in looking after me so may ways my Caregiver has the final say in ensuring I take care of it, which as anti-inflammatories were stopped because of the problems to my tummy, means I have to rest.
To be more accurate, My caregiver has ordered me rest in order to recover as his little and any willful reckless disregarding will result  in a spanking just like it would for more tween me as I'm to take proper responsibility for my well-being and he is making me do it from now on.
This what being in a Caregiver/little relationship breaks down to: they take loving care of you as their child with them having the final say and you do what your Caregiver says or live with consequences you will be given.

On having a Caregiver

Papa Bear is my main Caregiver.
There is a difference between being a Mentor and a Caregiver because while both have a kind of relationship between them and you and both have some element of teaching new skills and dealing with attitudes that may set you back, the main one is it has a deep  personal emotional level to it regardless of it is a 'fostering', 'live in' or long distance one.
You have this emotional connection to you Caregiver that has some level of intimacy (not necessarily sexual) that allows the use of pet names and terms between you that wouldn't be in the 'professional' ethics of a Mentor.
You are their little girl or boy to care for emotionally either face to face or virtually, spending time being engaged socially an playfully with you very much as a child, you may sit on your lap or have your hair played with or be caressed or hugged.
It just feels...different.
My Papa Bear believes strongly in reinforcing the rules about my attitudes and behaviour where he feels it needed to bring them under control as the Adult in charge of me.

I am spanked by him as he feels I need it and to be truthful there a good number of times I do and as my papa it his accepted role to raise me as his Little Girl and that includes disciplining me. I accept it because it is a part of his caring for me that he will never allow me to get away with anything that isn't in my best interests.

That care also runs into giving advice on things like when I should go bed, looking after myself when I'm unwell to help me take better care of myself so I become more responsible within my my limitations.

It's a total package.

I have been allowed to getaway with a lot in the recent past which has spoilt me and failed to correct patterns that have made lots of problems for me

On my attitudes

There are plus points to being very much a adult child not least when like for me it is developmentally what you are but it also means I have the same sorts of reactions as a child in certain situations leading to situations that can be trying.
One area of attitudes I do have problems in is regulating my emotions  being impulsive, quick to act and quick to just say things without understanding what is wrong with the way I'm saying it if not the words.
I tend to raise my voice to people who contradict my wants, not paying any attention to them or not  respect any authority so I challenge, make excuses for not going along with it and delay what I am told to do to 'get out of it'
I don't do as I'm told.
I appeal to authority figures but only obey you after making the appeal and then my appeal is demanding and disrespectful of your authority.
Generally I'm not prepared and willing to obey either way and accept your decision with a good attitude.
Some of this has been reinforced through being encourage to stand my ground  against anyone who'd treat me badly because of my disabilities and I'm used to going on the defensive feeling you're picking on me or feeling you should cut me a special deal.

I need you to teach me how I am to treat you and anyone else in my life who has authority over me, setting the standards and reinforcing the boundaries so I learn to instinctively respect them which I don't now.
I need you to scold and correct me so I learn what I was meant to had done when I was younger and be prepared to spank me without fail so I understand the consequences of my failure to recognize your authority over me.

Post Experience Project edition

Yesterday marked many things such as the 90th birthday of Her Majesty, the Queen and sadly was the day the multi-talented musician and actor, Prince died but it also was the day the door shut on what had been a part of my life permanently.
The Experience Project finally shut its doors at 4PM PDT April21st after giving notice but sensing a certain nostalgia, I did get in using a spare account to leave a few brief posts up interacting for the last time with people.
You see I joined it would of been about eight years ago after reading quite a bit from the site sometimes about things about other people I'd encountered before had  and also it had to be said  to find out more about me.
They way it worked was that you found an experience you wished to talk about, be it one affirming some element of you or as I did writing about what I had felt and though comments, messages and further entries you through what it might be you were feeling.

It was by talking around this continual sense of still being a child that Iearned that a good number of others did from different directions, that I'd sooner lay across the sidewalk in a dress marking out and then playing hopscotch.
It wasn't that everything was good there, it was and remains a very mixed experience with me but together with another short lived time on a site I found the Sissy lifestyle was very much odds with me with some sending me coarse messages.
That was the first spot where I began to understand you could be an Adult by chronological age but feeling as a Little Girl enjoying the childhood of a girl the second time around that lead to other places and what has been very much my life ever since.
We talked about different ways of presenting  as that Little Girl and that then lead into talking about the past and schooling, where I discovered the  notion of being that 'adult' in law little schoolgirl involving uniforms, teaching  and having encountered the girl in question, lead to meeting her face to face.
It also was the place I found from somewhere the courage to talk about something else about the past at home and at school, rules and consequences, how they differed and to the extent some of those needs even remained.
I came out as a person who feels the need to be spanked as that schoolgirl, middles child forever to help me behave myself, talking with others who are, talking with people who did spank them around how they did it.  They in turn started very open conversations  with me about how I'd like my bottom spanked and how that would effect my relationships with people would be doing this.
This in time lead to me getting a caregiver figure that used spanking and other techniques to help change my behavior, bring in a clear cut sense of accountability and others coming into my life restoring the accountability and childhood spanking that has helped me so much.
Experience Project as a site was a mixed thing with me but I learned to explore, articulate and stand up for me, my identity and my needs, helping move me on setting up a life that is so much the better for me.

Roadmaps?

It's kind of funny how it is you find the inspiration you need  when and where you may least expect it such as this drawing by TheLatestKate on Tumblr.

Tumblr is a funny place in that all manner of things can be found on there, sometimes original texts or as in this instance art amongst a vast forest of straight reblogging of everyone elses so sometimes you see the same thing several times over not helped by encourage people to reblog things that may not even be their own just because someone got there first.

But actually, to get back the post itself,  when I first started this blog and got on a few sites sites way back when, truly I had no real idea of where everything would lead, never mind the series of connections and roundabouts I'd go through tryin' to figure it what was I was and what it was I wanted and needed.

Some of directions like one I wrote about April last where I found I I always had sissy traits even though I control the exact form that may come out as as really gender re-assignement does nothing for my own sense of gender identity - I don't see myself as a female trapped in a male body.

Sometimes I with my disabilities actually lacked the language to articulate and even look for what it was I was really looking for  even if in some respects it had been staring me in the face from when I first realized on the onset of my teens that actually I didn't feel that,had none of the 'push toward establishing an adolescent self' cos actually developmentally I was and remain very much the child.

 
What I did want was a kind of new forever parent type figure I could relate to as that child, who was going to be the adult I'd relate to AS that child being cared for and where necessary chastised as that child because those were and are my actual needs.

In other words what I was wanting in my life was Caregiver for the middle with a little side me not a plain vanilla type relationship nor one just centred on  full on BDSM.

I have needs

I like to have my hair patted, I like to be hugged and gently stroked when I am feeling in need of your affection and reassurance by my Caregiver and others because it is a need I have, to be loved and feel loved.
I have the right to have my needs met.

On restoration

Restoration

Restoring the balance both at home with my parents and with other adults trying to get so a kind of natural order is there is very much what the last fifteen or so months of my life has been about, been given a proper place in those relationships, subject to their adult authority at all times.
When I look back at how things were at the start of this I can see how unsatisfactory the way I interaction at home and with other adults were, doing pretty much what I pleased no matter how they may of felt about or been effected by it.
I had a okay relationship with Mom and poor one with Dad and didn't really feel bonded to other adults at all so things did not run anything like smoothly for a lot of the time.
It wasn't that I was necessarily super obnoxious but I could not truthfully say I was exactly well behaved either having little sense of boundaries and parental and other adult guidance in my life.
It felt that I'd been been left without any guidance but being expected to know what to do when in fact I had no idea about how to behave.
That was when during Christmas 2014 when the external guidance started and as time went by other people followed through with everything changed although it took time.
This was when there now was a set of House Rules and similar rules for other adults brought into my life with very real consequences for any breach of those rule.
These included  being scolded, having my knickers taken down to be spanked or caned without fail and having to carry out any restitution straightaway.

Of course I didn’t become perfect overnight, but gradually, week by week, the new discipline code began to turn my behaviour and attitude around and as the adults recast as disciplinarians began to feel this wonderful sense of positive empowerment to act because they cared. Every time they took me over their lap I felt that at last I was receiving a way of providing me with the kind of positive guidance that I needed. I felt that they were giving me exactly what I needed, at exactly the right time in my life and I could see that I was absolutely thriving on this old-fashioned form of discipline.

It wasn't that it was all discipline, because it did include face to face discussions about my behaviour and conduct and what my many limitations being allowed for, I could and should be expected to do better together with rewards so it was recognized when I did really well to help me form a sense, a belief, in my ability to do the right thing .

This restoration  went hand in hand with having me dress more as that adult child often in her uniform as a learned to accept and co-operate with adult authority  I resembled their child subject to their adult authority with that uniform signifying my acceptance  of their rules and the spanking that I subject to in it.

Spanking I would say in my experience is an excellent form of discipline for girls who like me are over 18 and live at home or with adults to help learn how to conduct ourselves and adopt good personal habits