Jo and the Aunt (fiction)

Halloween is coming up and indeed I'll be away this weekend which creates all manner of blogging challenges but anyway picture the scene.

You didn't get on that well with your Aunt, perhaps she tended to remind you about your manners rather more than you cared to hear, to get into the chair properly so you din't flash your knickers or pull your falling down pereline socks for the seventh hundred time

Seeing it was halloween, you thought to yourself you'd get your own back on the Olde Witch and sneaked up on the 31st with this massive spider and put it right in her front garden knowing she goes all in a faff if she just sees a small garden spider in the bathroom.

She wakes up screaming and phones your Mom who just happened to find your tablet on the very Amazon page that carried a entry for it so she calles you down and orders you to show her the Orders page.

 

Right there in front of her it shows YOU did order it and when asked why you just have to tell the truth lest you get in even more trouble.

Your aunt is called over later on the day to witness you confess that but it wasn't all now was it?

No, while only the three of you are in, you are ordered to  bend over you mothers knee for a spanking, feeling her hand folding the back of your gymslip over your back as she begins to take a hard slipper to your bottom before inviting your aunt to pull your knickers down and spank you some more too.

This Halloween is one you'll never ever forget where you paid a high price for your naughty prank.

Wednesday musings

I don't know about you but with this bug I've been feeling really tired and meh all last week which isn't good but I suppose little else can be honestly expected as I tried to get a few things sorted for next months get together.  

There are times where a return to short dresses and being a "Mummy's helper" with women might be a good role when it comes to just getting me to do be more motivated and do things rather than just being left to my own devices.

 Going by what I'm seeing something like this is really what the responsible adults need to get for me and this is so cute you'd want to take it for a walk, play style which might help in having me have to things to help reliably.

And play at this minute I think is what I'm needing I think as role playing where people go missing isn't very satisfying which is one reason I've usually preferred forum based activity cos at least people can come back to it whenever they can so you don't get the big pauses outside of actual RL meets.

What is a Girl?

I noticed more by accident the other week, something I talked about several years back was being discussed at a site with links back here so thought I'd write something about about it here a few years on.

Being a girl is...being how her feels in you, as it comes out of your own feelings as expressed by you in dress, interests and play.

In so far as being an adult little girl goes, it doesn't matter if you're in a relationship or not, if you have a sexual side in your life or the extent to which you are able to let this side of your life out at home or around your local area.

Being either transgendered or gender fluid/variant and of any and no sexuality does not make a  difference  to being and your ability to let the adult little girl you feel out so long as ...you feel Her in you.

There is no one model you have to confirm to.

You may prefer to dress more like a younger child or 'Baby' , a young child which may be dresses, dungerees or shorts or more Middlish looking Tween or young teen.

You might do more party or school type attire if that's you (I like sitting behind a desk in school attire doing exercises) depending on circumstances such as the ability to spend time with a few others.

You may have a Caregiver in your life. 

It really doesn't matter as little girl you is...You.

Some people do find their younger side may have a different gender presentation to their "Big" which may seem odd (and kinda threw me a few years back to be honest) but actually it's okay.

If that's you then please come presenting as that  Little Girl for the period - a little consistency during play helps - bring something with you and you know we'll share teddies, dollies and play even if your "Big" presents as male.

Those of us who aren't super frilly won't kill you if your presentation  goes out that way.
The only thing we aren't so keen on is people who take being a female, especially a little girl and project an overriding sexual side to it (We appreciate Adults often have a sexual side but that stay's in the bedroom and never at little girl playtime!).

It was my experiences elsewhere with "sissies" who tended to push a very full on sexual side linking femininity with subservience, ritual humiliation, who also by clearly linking being a girl as an insult, insulted our sense of being,  co-opting part of our identity for that whole "humiliated as a girl" thing rather than them being a girl if frankly they rather liked it even in short doses or enjoying their maleness if that was them, that troubled me.

Is there a place for the Adult Age Regressor

Sometimes  back to places at the bequest of a friend can bring some matters back into focus such as the differences between terminology between Age Regression and Age Play cos in some respects we tend not to fit in so well with Age Play groups not that I'm saying anything against individuals at all but sometimes long for places free from those eighteen or under from the drama and need to be super careful about not messaging them least anyone make out you were doing things you shouldn't (even if like me you just wouldn't) and teen spats.

For us being Little means being child-like in the mindset of a child even if legally we're adults acting upon those feelings and emotions as if we were that child again all (emotional) age appropriate.

The thing we find is Age play communities tend to go with kink such as BDSM and they seem to see a Little as a Submissive in a power dynamic to a Dominant  whole very much rules the roost often involving submissive gains with props, some of which do inflict pain and frequently a sexual side that is controlling.

Of course it need not be all like that, everyone is an individual, but the online version in particular seems to lack any protective,nurturing sides with empathy more a power trip mutually agreed to.

For us while there are Caregivers, those people are about providing the stability, guidance and love that perhaps we didn't get when we were younger or because of trauma or abuse we find loving ourselves and trusting others so much more the harder even if some situations they may chastise us (by consent).

Age Play communities often don't really want us around and trying to find places that do like over 18 age regressors who may prefer time with legal adults and who may have meetings and the like going on seems so hard at times.

Headspace in littleworld

This week while nursing a bad foot I've been thinking a bit more about Headspace.

What is Headspace?

Headspace to me means the vantage point my mind looks upon everything around of it and relates to it in real time, being a felt, experienced and physical thing I interact with that ties in your sense of you in time and space.

People can have differing senses of head space not least of you're a Middle or Little because you may have, depending on your own development a more adult sense of what you do and how you'd see your role as well as a younger one where in effect you go back to those things and ways of looking at life that you may recall from your childhood.

The way people may move from one to another depends on the individual and their circumstances such as you may have a triggering thing such as a particularly activity that from the second you start to interact with it, you subconsciously move to that side of you.

For example I used to find being in schools often brought out the more Junior side of me so much so if I was left their for long enough on my own I'd 'drop' into being that child or playing with say dolls just does.

It may be also that how you are attired does and with me putting on my school clothes like what I'm wearing right now typing this 'throws the switch'.

I think one thing a good number of us find useful is where we can meet up because it enables us to interactive not just with our own person sense of being a Middle or Little in such a headspace but also with others as if we were over at other folks houses playing which I think is something many of us did as children and it's that kind of feeling we're recreating.

When looking at recreating there is a question to be asked about the extent to which it is or can be complete replication simply because the nature being a child and the 'play' has itself changed over the decades.

The modern child has electronic play devices and quite often access to say a Tablet Computer which may be used to play games on or join sites like Club Penguin or use to write or draw things on. A computer may be part of your Little/Middle headspace.

How much of that we may do when we're together is something that we'll need to work through in the same way thoughtful parents do with their own children and for similar reasons because it is easy-too easy perhaps-to have a situation where we're all huddled together but staring into our own screens so while individually we're having fun the one thing we aren't doing is interacting with each other. That is a genuine concern.

The other area with that and the all pervasive Smartphone is handling Adult related things such as any requirements an individual may have to check emails and the like from 'work' which whatever your personal thoughts on the rights and wrongs of  (and I think it has for some gotten too intrusive in folks free time) such things are part of their working conditions they are expected to comply with when outside work such as at such meets.

I feel it needs to be done in way that doesn't disturb the Middle/Little space of other people attending which may involve say the use of your own private space or a designated area and certainly the associated electrical accessories like chargers need to out of peoples way when sitting or walking about.

For some of us, though this isn't necessarily the biggest threat to that very headspace at all and while I won't speak for everybody one reason I do like being in that Middle/Little space is to be free from adult level intrusions not least those I have functional difficulties with.

When we were younger the Grown Ups, knew it mattered that while the Big World went on around us, it was wrong for that to dominate Our World so some conversations and topics were 'not for young ones ears' because playing talking through our thoughts and ideas mattered more for us.

That's why it does matter to some of us the sense of leaving things like political, religious and 'adult matters' out of where we are playing, talking or even sleeping and it may be sensible to check with any Little or Middle if they wish to be involved in or ideally leave that to as something in another room people may do.

Personally I have no inclination at all to engage in discussion around those areas simply because it's not part of Middle me that comes to meets apart from experiences in other groups that had allowed it lead to enmities between folk whose reason for being together had had nothing to do with these topics.

To me then to the extent one cannot and would not want to restrict what people can talk about not least that of any groan ups/Caregivers present, there's something to be said for holding back it until after little bed time  or perhaps of having that in just one area of a meet you'd make a deliberate point  of entering.
That way it's managed but those of us who are either playing or just resting have our needs respected so we can enjoy ourselves in our younger headspace freely.
For me  part of that freedom comes from the knowledge that groan ups will step in and discipline me if I am getting out of or at risk of injuring myself so I just act on the me within and not be so concerned about what if it goes all pear shaped that I just sit there terrified to do anything cos I don't feel able to put it right.
To conclude being in it to me is the mark of being a middle or little. It is us.

Role playing?

There are times when I do feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall  of one one them is when it is people insist this thing I write about is just a role play that I elect to play some of the time.
Now it isn't that there's anything wrong of itself with role playing someone who is younger although people do argue about how far and in what context it should be if that is what you feel (and clearly there is a need as it is being met commercially).
No, it's that for some of us it is more going back in your headspace so you are responding as if you were that child or for people like me that in reality a chunk of you is always in a child-like mode and that in effect you are an adult sized child.
Now interesting at a mainstream spanking site of all places there was a link placed to an online magazine that used a actual 1936 test for Emotional Age that people such as psychologists did use to assess the emotional maturity of people as distinct from going just by chronological age.
As it happened I did it which involved answering with a Yes or No a series of twenty-five questions based on certain scenarios, a marking scheme and a calculation to convert the marks to assessed Emotional Age.
The result I got from this was shockingly close to how I had assessed in my own head my my emotional age as I know to be very truthful I am 'immature' in certain respects and not able to function at an adult level.
The test score made me 11.3 years old.  I have maintained for a good number of years I was around  10 and not older than 12 simply because I never 'felt' older, able to carry what anyone older could and it was obvious even in childhood that was so.
Now let's go back to that assertion and again consider if I am 'age playing' here or not?
NO-what is going on is the handling by the standards more of my own era of a 'child' in effect -me- by adults who of necessity have to be parental, have to do things and set boundaries, reinforcing them strictly.
That's the goddam truth.

A week in the life of Jo

One thing I tend to talk about at various places is missing spoons because however I wrap the thing up, just living as me physically, mentally and psychologically takes a lot of out me as try to keep up with everybody else.
It's especially bad at times of the year like the one we're going through where it has bee unrelentingly hot, over 28 degrees  for over a week so hot you struggle to get to sleep at night and wake up with damp night clothes sticking to you as the sweat has been absorbed  by them, leaving you feeling clammy.
It's a reason why I needed to leave chat early last night as I was starting to feel too far gone and also dehydrated.
It's been an uphill struggle to get things done as you just lie there first thing feeling tired before you've even done a thing, never mind everyday stuff like fixing food, getting some exercise in to keep myself reasonable fit and loss a bit of weight and even read or colour so the fact I'm at least doing it is a sign of some self discipline being in me now.
I as sure as heck would not of a few years back.
 

Talks

There are a number of things that I'd like to talk about in this weeks edition of which the first is really about the use of profiles on sites which are really a condensed way of communicating important things about you and why you may belong to a site.
One thing I do say on a good number of my profiles is I don't generally do chat simply because with my badly damaged tendons it's very painful and cuts into my ability to do other thing such as eat, dress myself and also help out in the home which truthfully is a expectation anyone should have for me to help me become more responsible.
It annoys me the number times I get  loads of requests to chat from people I haven't friended, who haven't even written  a thing about themselves that just think being a female adult little is a automatic suggestive chat up service or a means of getting something to add to their wanna Male Dominants ego to control. That I have a Caregiver too is listed on the profile but guess what? They can't darn well read!
The funny thing is I did chat to three females, one in a relationship where her partner is her (agreed) dominant, a female dominant who spanks and a young woman who was interested in what being a little and our lifestyle was all about.
The one distinguishing thing about these conversations although each had their own style, was  the respect shown in the conversation toward myself given these were not people I really knew that well and anyway on the internet you know there's stuff you never give out about you.
One rather surprising thing was that they all asked about what I wore, and having explained it was a school type uniform wanted to know what it was, the colours, talking for sometime about it without any implied criticism or having any misunderstandings that are not uncommon elsewhere.
That meant I was to explain its role in my life, that my Caregiver prefers me in it and the shape, cut and colour of each actual bit to it.
The younger one asked about meets so I explained they are generally 18+ and it was good idea to go talk with whoever organized one about their own dos and don'ts, that generally any sexual with people is kept away from  anything that's not so it doesn't cut into the experience of non sexual littles (or those who may be but aren't looking for that there).
That one also came straight out with  the question "What about spanking, Are you spanked?" which took me by surprise so there I was explaining it all, like I am spanked for being naughty by my Caregivers and other adults to some one only just out of her teens who has a younger sister who as it happens is spanked by her folks for much the same reason.
Any sense of 'adulthood' just evaporated at that point as she actual just 'got' what being a little was and actually she loved how it was with me.
The one who was in a more Adult kind of domestic discipline relationship with her partner talk quite about more in detail about the spankings comparing them with her own between a lot jokes and general good humour.
The female dominant talked quite a bit about the uniform I had on, each individual garment by the material, the shape, in the case of my skirt the length together with the pleats and my knee length schoolgirl socks. She also wanted to know about my knickers-the colour, material and shape as well as my general appearance such as build, eye colour and so on.

She really liked the idea of me being in this uniform, what it symbolizes, that whole girl to Adult Authority figure. We talked about spanking techniques, rituals such as baring, the uses of scolding, corner time and what we felt about it. Had I not of gotten a Caregiver and others who spank me she clearly indicated she would of been prepared to take me on, working through the those attitudes and behaviours I struggle with.
For me this whole experience  being able to talk openly about being being an adult little/middle was good. Moreover to talk about the attitude and behaviours I experience and how it is that I'm spanked rather like a child would be without any sense of shame or embarrassment to relative strangers who just accepted it was quite a breakthrough for me.
*There is nothing shameful in being spanked as an legal adult*

Littleness, regresssion and age-play

As ever on Tumblr there's a battle going on between people over what being a little is and any involvement of those under 18 in it however as ever there is more heat than light being generated by the keyboard warriors with many meme's and posts being put up and commented on.
This one is quite well intentioned in trying to explain the difference between age-playing and what emotionally appropriate behaviour that comes from being in actual state of regression where your responses come from the child within and less than any kind of scripted character you play.

 I do feel they have however got Little Space actually quite wrong because that is the emotional and behavioural environment  that as  a person who has regressed you have got into - you feel and so respond as that child - and not the act of being a little.
To get into it it is true you need to regress or otherwise release that child within an adult body or if you are like me not to have developed into it fully anyway.
There are some who are trying to put in a schism between the ChIRes advocates of littleness by regression and that of Caregiver/littles who are being characterized as a part of of the more 'adult' bsdm side.
For  me the whole point in a CG/l relationship is effectively that while in that headspace the Caregiver is providing the love, nurturing and support that is the equal of a parent or guardian arising from those needs as their little you have.
It is not necessarily sexual although some may enjoy that however meeting any sexual needs may find themselves which might be only in their 'Big' side of life.
They are not so much opposites degrees in which individuals chose to live their lives making informed decisions recognizing as appropriate the issues of informed consent as the bottom line always is that as adults legally only we can consent-minors regardless of any other feelings simply cannot deemed the responsibility of others such as parent(s) or guardians.

Summer LG Camp extras

My main blog entry  Summer LG Camp 2016 covers the major account of my six days  including Summer 2016 LG Camp  that I attended such as activities that I was involved in and so on but this is more the reflections on the experience as I experienced it emotionally.
As an adult little girl who is more on the Middle side for me this whole thing is rather like the Caregiver/little side of things in that it is a space to allow the child-like me out to play and interact as if I was an actual child at a emotional age appropriate level for me, the one impacted significantly by my developmental/learning disabilities that in so many ways I function ordinarary and with no choice at that level.
It's hardly age-play, I mean I didn't choose it, it just the hand I was given and it's a matter of learning to make the most of the only life I have.
I have been interested as much as I'm more around upper UK juniors and first year senior side about things more associated with younger children as for example I've always been drive to spin or rattle things such as whizzing tape reels around or enjoying the sound of winding a cassette back with a pencil or impulsively leaping to a rattle.
While I was away a "Baby Gym" with a pretty patterned mat and mobiles that made noises had been set out and I though, "Right, it's a quiet area" and decided to have a bit of a play with it.
It only took a few minutes and I sensed myself shifting to a younger more tactile headspace playing with it so while I may not identify with AB, some things from it could be in my little space needs that benefit from being met.
The other large side to this that for this whole period I am in a setting where my behaviour and attitudes are under the gaze of adults with authority over me and where I know I will be taken to one side and spanked without exception for any breaches of what I know isn't acceptable.
I do tend to ignore no's blanking them out or get into oppositional behaviour because my emotional side is running at a child's and not even necessary a maturing teen level and spanking is part of the way I'm being managed to put a stop to this to help me mature within my limitations in the way I generally wasn't before.
In that way I'm in the middle/little headspace where Authority has the final say and I am slowly learning, changing my behaviour so much so that I didn't need a spanking just doing what I am expected or am told to do with no back chat.
Connected with that is that they are challenging my low expectations of not just what I can do but of what it is I am to be expected to do from now on to help me grow up a little, taken on a bit more personal responsibility and contribute more to.
In this way they're putting me through growing pains and strict discipline to move me from where I had been parked.
Some of this showed for example in the Games morning where in the past I'd of not taken part in things that I both find difficult with my physical as well as developmental/learning disabilities such as being rubbish at archery, not understanding instructions well, poor co-ordination and lack of strength I'd of gone down the route of oppositional behaviour but I was informed I was to bring my games kit, put it on and be in a team regardless.
In other words I was to adopt a more grown up mature approach which would be overseen to help me with them ensuring I co-operated.
I am so thankful as hard going doing this is, they're putting me through it because I need help to change and be the best I can, not the least I can get away with.

I Guess I'm Different Part II

Well last weeks bit of a post created some interest amongst those that ready my comments at various forums and art based sites where I am publishing some short back to the past regressive stories.

One of things across this blog I've been talking about is what is me.
I'd normally hesitate to use a term like define because it seems to me define often excludes those things I may share with people for saying how I'm not the same as when to me at least what you are includes both.
It's also the case that self realization can lead at the very least to a reframing of what that definition may include if not a wholesale change.
Change is constant but the biggest constant in all of this for me the lack of of an adult sense of self and of place in the presence of others who are adults by age; My relationship to you is defined by me looking toward you for guidance and authority because you are the adult I am not and cannot be.
The answer to the question what is my sense of place is simple: I am a girl and much less a woman.
By the standards of most I'm not 'normal' in that way not least for the role my developmental disabilities play in this that means for me it's not 'age play' so much as 'emotional and developmental age is'. It's the not normalness of me that actually is my strength and what is wonderful about me.
The thing is then we must be honest about these needs and work through ways of meeting them so I'm emotional and developmental age treated approximately for the girl I am for me to make the most of myself and contribute to society rather than ignoring the elephant in the room.

Exploring together

I wasn't too good over the last two days although I got up okay, messaging PB and getting the last mammoth blog entry published with links at all the usual spots to make it easier to people to follow it. Shortly afterward I felt a migraine coming rather quickly so I quickly got my tablets out a jug full of water with glass, closed the curtains and went bed.

 It wouldn't be me in the midst of all that to be thinking of other things, I mean it's so funny but sometimes I'm more together when it comes to thinking ideas up when I'm  like that than any other time.
One is how many times we hear of people who do something a little outside of the mainstream such as follow a dress style and wear it, have aspects of our lives that others may not be so keen on such as your gender identity, sexuality and being a little and so on who struggle to have people they feel they can be open with as friends. And this in age of forums, emails and social media.
Sometimes it may be that the individual has difficulties forming and holding down personal relationships which may not be helped if others are way too quick to judge elementary mistakes but life if you appear not to be able to learn from them can be hard.
Sometimes groups have very much a "My way is the only highway" approach, setting very exacting positions people are at least to go along with if not openly endorse which at times is so ironical being in mind the reason for  existence of some groups is the very excludedness those people felt from others they project themselves.
To  me it seems in order to progress we need to be open to difference, able to tolerate difference and understand  the expression of differing views often leads to more informed thoughts and decisions.
If we find understanding something hard - and it genuinely can be -  we need to be prepared to  work with someone who will explain it and engage with them changing what we are doing if it isn't helping us.
We also need to learn to hold hands more with the people who can helps us explore and grow as people which may include learning more about some of things that unite us but may not be part of other peoples lives.
If you're a little/middle you need to find those spaces you can let this side of you out openly without the distractions of regular adult stuff going on.

Daddy's girl

Just been getting things ready to visit a adult who I'll stay with for two and a bit days which involves finding my travel stuff like my washbag and my clothes which are generally what they wish me to be in when in their company as the 'child' they look after.

 Having done quite a bit of that I'm just lying across the bed relaxing a bit before I eat and thinking about about this life of mine .
It's quite a bit different than it was several years back because in so many ways I'm  back to where I was as a competent child whose special needs are being dealt with by Daddy, who is in touch with me across each day making sure I'm alright, not feeling troubled because he cares enough to check.
My daddy talks with me most nights before sleep about the day so I have a proper bedtime routine and when he judges I am feeling tired he makes sends me to bed straight away with  with bedtimes kisses.
I have this emotional intimacy with him as his girl who he cares for in way I've never had  before trusting him to help me make decisions  and equally I show my love for him by taking an interest in his life, health and work.
I love my daddy so much I want to obey him as daddy's girl subject to his loving correction.
The one thing I know for sure is I am truly fortunate to have daddy that loves and protects me as his own.

Lessons from the class room for Jo.

I've  written a bit about this Weekends Studying on the main blog which also has the other entries around the start of it from the beginning of this year as it is an important part of what this year is about for me.
It is about two interlinked things: One is dealing with my actual real life weaknesses in English, particularly written and especially Math which stem from by disabilities not least dyslexia and brain damage some of which was caused directly by a playground fall which  caused my head to hit the Asphalt surface head on which left me drifting in and out of consciousness for a good number of hours.
The second is the extent to which all the above while being  a very ready impediment  to learning was affected by attitudes toward coping with my disabilities and even the extent I was to even attempt to do the very things ever other child of my age at that time was expected to do.
Some of those attitudes amounted to authorized not trying  as I wasn't expected to be capable of them so it was felt this didn't matter which of course it did as most employers and many educational institutions require good grades not least because the knowledge behind them is necessary in an advanced economy.
But in many was it went even beyond that to one of just not bothering to try anything new because a 'they' somehow would solve them problem of what to do when it comes to caring for me and having a sense of purpose.
The fact this studying has involved some rather old fashioned ideas  such as being structured (but taking into account my real needs), being expected to work hard, being given the kind of scolding prevalent then and not least being spanked for my attitude toward that when as it was at the start was laid bare in just the same some schools back then would given me regardless of my disabilities.
My disabilities don't justify not trying, in many ways it's more important for me to try than perhaps most because my need to be able to do things is greater and in the pride I feel toward doing well so far, that is the bigger thing here.
To help me grow I need to be stretched, nurtured and disciplined as part of one whole called caring for Jo.

Post Experience Project edition

Yesterday marked many things such as the 90th birthday of Her Majesty, the Queen and sadly was the day the multi-talented musician and actor, Prince died but it also was the day the door shut on what had been a part of my life permanently.
The Experience Project finally shut its doors at 4PM PDT April21st after giving notice but sensing a certain nostalgia, I did get in using a spare account to leave a few brief posts up interacting for the last time with people.
You see I joined it would of been about eight years ago after reading quite a bit from the site sometimes about things about other people I'd encountered before had  and also it had to be said  to find out more about me.
They way it worked was that you found an experience you wished to talk about, be it one affirming some element of you or as I did writing about what I had felt and though comments, messages and further entries you through what it might be you were feeling.

It was by talking around this continual sense of still being a child that Iearned that a good number of others did from different directions, that I'd sooner lay across the sidewalk in a dress marking out and then playing hopscotch.
It wasn't that everything was good there, it was and remains a very mixed experience with me but together with another short lived time on a site I found the Sissy lifestyle was very much odds with me with some sending me coarse messages.
That was the first spot where I began to understand you could be an Adult by chronological age but feeling as a Little Girl enjoying the childhood of a girl the second time around that lead to other places and what has been very much my life ever since.
We talked about different ways of presenting  as that Little Girl and that then lead into talking about the past and schooling, where I discovered the  notion of being that 'adult' in law little schoolgirl involving uniforms, teaching  and having encountered the girl in question, lead to meeting her face to face.
It also was the place I found from somewhere the courage to talk about something else about the past at home and at school, rules and consequences, how they differed and to the extent some of those needs even remained.
I came out as a person who feels the need to be spanked as that schoolgirl, middles child forever to help me behave myself, talking with others who are, talking with people who did spank them around how they did it.  They in turn started very open conversations  with me about how I'd like my bottom spanked and how that would effect my relationships with people would be doing this.
This in time lead to me getting a caregiver figure that used spanking and other techniques to help change my behavior, bring in a clear cut sense of accountability and others coming into my life restoring the accountability and childhood spanking that has helped me so much.
Experience Project as a site was a mixed thing with me but I learned to explore, articulate and stand up for me, my identity and my needs, helping move me on setting up a life that is so much the better for me.

Roadmaps?

It's kind of funny how it is you find the inspiration you need  when and where you may least expect it such as this drawing by TheLatestKate on Tumblr.

Tumblr is a funny place in that all manner of things can be found on there, sometimes original texts or as in this instance art amongst a vast forest of straight reblogging of everyone elses so sometimes you see the same thing several times over not helped by encourage people to reblog things that may not even be their own just because someone got there first.

But actually, to get back the post itself,  when I first started this blog and got on a few sites sites way back when, truly I had no real idea of where everything would lead, never mind the series of connections and roundabouts I'd go through tryin' to figure it what was I was and what it was I wanted and needed.

Some of directions like one I wrote about April last where I found I I always had sissy traits even though I control the exact form that may come out as as really gender re-assignement does nothing for my own sense of gender identity - I don't see myself as a female trapped in a male body.

Sometimes I with my disabilities actually lacked the language to articulate and even look for what it was I was really looking for  even if in some respects it had been staring me in the face from when I first realized on the onset of my teens that actually I didn't feel that,had none of the 'push toward establishing an adolescent self' cos actually developmentally I was and remain very much the child.

 
What I did want was a kind of new forever parent type figure I could relate to as that child, who was going to be the adult I'd relate to AS that child being cared for and where necessary chastised as that child because those were and are my actual needs.

In other words what I was wanting in my life was Caregiver for the middle with a little side me not a plain vanilla type relationship nor one just centred on  full on BDSM.

Middle bedrooms

A big chunk of the other blog is more around the life of a Middle while this looks at the other aspects of being a middle with a littleside but given the connectedness a post around it is justified.
The bedroom of a Middle I feel should be as close to that of a Tween or younger teen as possible not necessarily tradition in it's furnishings but true to original intent of being her place of rest and sleep, away from the buzz of daytime.
It should be very much an expression of her girlish innocence with cute simple bedding with matching curtains and lightshades with just what she needs to get her beauty sleep in and nothing more being free from techo attractions calling her as she lies in bed.
There will be shelving for her plushies, teddies and dollies that are not in her bed or positioned on her chair as well as her books with a small rack for current comics that she reads by herself with a small angle right.
One thing there will not be is a place for her cellphone or netbook to be resting because you will have her hand them over to you as her Caregiver before she goes to bed and be given then once she is up because you are responsible for her as her privilege.
You may restrict other technology such as audio or tv stuff  preferring her to share with others and view with you to help keep a close shared bond alive rather than have retreat to a inner world avoiding conversation.
There will be a wardrobe with enough space to hang her clothes including her uniform properly on hangers with space for shoes and slippers and draws for her underwear in addition to the cute nightdresses and pj's you'll put her in like the Middle with little side she is.
The overall feel will be light and airy with lots of space to twirl around in and walk along with ease across the whole room.
You will have rules about keep it tidy being prepared to work with her but you will spank her bottom firmly in the room when she fails too without good reason so she learns the importance in doing this and following the rules.

Reflections on past incidents

This week I've been reminded of some of the distance I've travelled following the start of this blog and a number of events in my life that were very traumatic for me following my second best friends recent emotional upset following a number of events one of which centred around being filmed without permission in a small group and the other feeling overwhelmed by people demand their services for free just cos she's popular.
Much of that reminding came through recall of the incidents in trying to explain something however imperfectly about what I learned from them that helped me move past that may be of some use or comfort that even thinking about upset me.
Some of my thoughts and my problems around those events were that I never really processed them emotionally so much as attempted to stick them in the (emotional) trash can so they were hanging around and finding myself by accident processing them this week helped in drawing a line under what had happened.
I saw a site that had go in for some really heavyweight verbal abuse and liable at that time have people post on it this week that actually they never had an issue with me and some saying they didn't understand why it had all started in the first place when at the time it had left me feeling very frightened, vulnerable and even wanting to take my life.
I remembered all too well the nervous breakdown from 2006/7 when I had a very important community role with financial and other responsibilities where it was I was being left with essential tasks others with greater abilities  and non of my 'adult' functioning problems while willing left me alone to deal with them and a public who expected way too much.
That was the moment I had to ungrow up and acknowledge a painful truth, that the era of pretend and masking needed to stop because functionally I was at the level and abilities of a child and simply could not cope with the sort of adult responsibilities such roles expected of me.
As  one employed person of said organization whose name I won't mention on the internet said "I really had to shield and protect her (me) from what she was expected to do and cope  with".
I left them with a excellent testimonial thanks to that person for what I had managed to do and started to work on rebuilding the links to my Inner Child and in time letting her out, feeling more at ease of being the chronological adult who is child in all other respects with same needs and interests.
I moved forward in my life by embracing and moving back to the past - my past and being the child I am.

Birthday reflections

This day is quite an important one for me that I'll blog the other bits of separately but for me this is the start of another fifty-two weeks in my life and the end of the last period of fifty-two weeks although like many littles and middles I never really leave the sense of being the age in this headspace I am. I never really feel older cos I hit my developmental limits a very long time ago.
It's a messy thing cos of the mess that is my family whose many degrees in messiness often took much of the magic of having a day of your own away never mind the petty-mindedness of the arguments they'd pick  on and around of that day.
Mom always say I’m the one that can be counted on to think more about what needs to happen, what would make a difference for the better and at least try to work with it.
Much happened in that twelve months some of which I have written about here and elsewhere but it's been the biggest period where I had real guidance in my life talking through both my longer term problems with plans and shorter more immediate needs.
It's also been the period where the rules and structures in my life have changed dramatically as there has been a very real rolling back of my post legal childhood authority  and status to approximate tween/early teen level.
Part of that is from the recognition that while it is fine for me to have an input and a say in things, because I do mess up in ways I don't necessarily learn from because my ability to do so is limited allowing me the final say just wasn't working. Someone who is more responsible needs to.
The other part is that in order see to it the rules and structures I agreed to are being kept they need to have the authority to impose them and discipline me for breaches so I learn to follow them and that's that in outline that's much such a big difference to my life this last twelve months.
So on this day I wish to thank those people in my life who have provided that guidance be they friends who stepped in saying what needed to said to help me or those who are more directly involved working through issues,for each and every reprimand and spanking you gave me when I needed it.
You did right by me helping me become more responsible over our last twelve months and here's to the next twelve where you'll help me further cos I know you all care about me and that's why all this happens.

Six days with Miss

I've just returned from spending six days with friends away for which there will be a post on my main blog about cos that's really more about what we did at the big old property in East Anglia together age playing for want of a better expression.
Well that's the expression my second best friend ever calls it and she's pretty much on the ball when it comes to this stuff because at least the both of us while we're there are in our younger selves character, doing what comes naturally to us.
Since last year though I have a 'go-to' person who isn't a classic Caregiver but more an Aunt type character with some caring, mentoring sides who I spend quite a bit of time with literally under their roof.
You see for me this whole six days started off being with them where from the minute they meet me at the rail station everything changes because the relationship we have is one where they are the Adult Authority Figure who is looking after me as a child having authority over me.
They are to be addressed by me by their Title, they have quite a bit of input into how I am dressed nearly always as a child in their presence (typically school uniform) and they always have the final say with me.
As the Aunt like person they have household rules I am to go along with and am expected to do what I'm told straightaway with no backchat.
Being with them is therefore so much like the whole stopping with actual childhood Aunts and Uncles for vacations and short stays I grew up with which I loved for all that routine.
There is something else in our relationship, which is as their child I am subject to and that is when and wherever I am with them, they do discipline me on the spot often using spanking and other forms of corporal punishment as they feel fit if either say I didn't do something I  am am expected to because I'm capable of it or for being cheeky and the like.
Having been spanked by them I know it's no idol threat and as anyone whose read this blog knows it does really help as painful as it is to keep me in line apart from getting rid of past bad attitudes of which I've a good number unfortunately.
For then this thing outside of the time spent with our friends is very much time with a age-play parental situation in real time which is ideal for me as not only does it help to keep me in Middle Space as a junior it provides the structured very strict parenting I need.
A kind of alternative family.