Regressive correction

Tumblr's ownership is changing on Sept 26th but that's not going to alter this blog purpose one bit.

 
Reading is one thing I do like and I have read Juliet at the Chalet School a few times with the reminder of that series together with Enid Blyton's boarding school series for good measure. 

One thing that has always been a bit of an issue is I find I really need corporal punishment running across my life as my own ability to regulate my emotions or have the foresight to see how I am carrying on has an affect not just for me but on others is not good.

 
You might think suggesting quietly I didn't do something would work but I just ignore such 'low voltage' approaches  being poor on picking up clues.

 
On the other hand just raising a voice doesn't really work with me I'd be so over stimulated by that I'd go straight into oppositional behaviour mode, challenging you to the bitter end.

 
You find what tends to work for me is you just take over and give me something that can't be argued with or ignored - a well spanked bottom held down firmly so I have to have endure it to the point I surrender my behaviour and accept your limits.

 
This includes a discrete lifting of my skirt and a firm smack being delivered to my bottom as anyone important comes in to remind me to behave and the consequences that just happen if I don't before I have done anything.

 
To be honest I like people when I'm like this just with prior approval (as all else is technically assault) to feel free to just take me to one side and spank my bottom for me whenever they feel I need it.

Attitude audit

Well, I'm going to be off in a couple of days time spending regressed time with others so I have tried super hard this time to get most of these posts written up ready.
Today's is a bit different in that it's about my social skills and attitudes which are more of an issue when I'm naturally with people rather than say on my own and how far I've come on.

Until I heard of the expression "self sabotage" from my second best friend some years back I was never real able to explain how it while I believed in the ideal inevitably I'd end up up just enough to scrap through at best and often set out on line that would result in doing worse than I can by not preparing properly, not making a plan and just allowing myself to be distracted from what it is wanted to do for something more enjoyable or less effort.
Part of this was the belief that because I struggle though my disabilities with things then I could only fail so why even bother especially when few people cared if did try.

This is one I'm pretty good at and do take shoes off or change to slippers when I visit people even though I wasn't raised at home to.

I'm pretty good at this, not being inclined to enter into gossip sharing sessions with people or otherwise dish things up to people.

 More often than not I'll go help somebody struggling but have struggled with the idea of helping as in contributing to something by giving my time and effort but is something that is being worked on.

You may of heard of yo-yo dieting  but I've tended to be yo-you over taking exercise from my mid teens onwards, never looking cool and always wanting to do things involving being still to the exclusion of anything physical.
It may not help having a physical disability but not undertaking exercise of any form make that worse for me. I have been exercising for about forty minutes to an hour in sessions after thinking more about its effects from clothes feeling a bit tight apart from I was struggling with walking even short distances which this does seem to be helping.

 Another not good at although I am currently eating banana's and apples daily preferring chocolate caramel bars.

This is one I have always struggled with generally because of issues in  our family history, what from my point of view I see as their reluctance when young to be actively involved in raising me, issues with them over gender identity, refusing to accept professional opinion when it came to disability diagnosis's, lack of support in my learning to the point of ignoring poor work and calls to attend meetings to discuss and so on.
One affect of this is I had developed a disrespect for adult authority, a switched offness  to any engagement and don't take advice well.

Generally I'm pretty good at being helpful, properly empathize more being left out deliberately by groups for gender or disability reasons

I'm pretty good over personal hygiene such as covering my nose when sneezing and washing my hands before eating and cooking even when after allowing myself to be distracted even if that adds to my being late.

We  should put an X through boy and replace by girl and usually I'm on the edge of talking back usually as a defense mechanism to brush them away lest they hurt me and my feelings which hasn't been helped in the past for seeing other people as having the same exact authority and non OVER me.
It also didn't help that those I was with believed in letting me try to have control OVER them as a way of coping with MY needs.

More often than not I do clean them, mind you with anything to hand such as screwdriver blades etc and always scrub them after handling anything they may of sank into.

 I'm usually pretty good over respecting other peoples space or property as a rule

For a long time I tended to switch from being a wall flower, feeling very awkward socially to doing something that was bound to grab attention even if it either put me in physical danger or  made other people unhappy or worried. I didn't care so long as you couldn't ignore me  and I feel that sense of being ignored rather encouraged it rather than being helped to have a role people could learn to value and perhaps I might value  what I could add too.

I've been generally bad over this tending to be caught up more in the moment being with someone or doing something I feel compelled to continue on with not helped by feeling at times that you should fit more around what I'm doing.

 As a former politician arguing for the sake of it was a stock in trade  even when in practical terms it made little difference and caused more issues than it solved.

I'm pretty good over borrowing you know. Like  returns stuff prompt looking after it super carefully

Still a difficult one as I tend to dump and run, never really making time to put things away in any real order and when people move them getting super annoyed with them soon moving to argument not being prepared to back down

I like to drink milk put the people I live with seem to think I prefer tea. I don't as it's just role playing an adult if ask for tea and I like cookies with me milk instead.

If anything my problem is less around taking more than I need to claim it for me so much as being a  poor and at times fussy eater with genuine restrictions on diet too with intolerances and allergies.

As having read this you can see there is much when comes my attitudes and that I do struggle with which is why rather late in the day I'm getting a lot more targeted  help at them as in many respects I really should of learned and moved on from many of these eons ago and why if I'm with you it helps if you try to hold me more to account so I do change and those that have become more second nature to me.

Summer LG Camp extras

My main blog entry  Summer LG Camp 2016 covers the major account of my six days  including Summer 2016 LG Camp  that I attended such as activities that I was involved in and so on but this is more the reflections on the experience as I experienced it emotionally.
As an adult little girl who is more on the Middle side for me this whole thing is rather like the Caregiver/little side of things in that it is a space to allow the child-like me out to play and interact as if I was an actual child at a emotional age appropriate level for me, the one impacted significantly by my developmental/learning disabilities that in so many ways I function ordinarary and with no choice at that level.
It's hardly age-play, I mean I didn't choose it, it just the hand I was given and it's a matter of learning to make the most of the only life I have.
I have been interested as much as I'm more around upper UK juniors and first year senior side about things more associated with younger children as for example I've always been drive to spin or rattle things such as whizzing tape reels around or enjoying the sound of winding a cassette back with a pencil or impulsively leaping to a rattle.
While I was away a "Baby Gym" with a pretty patterned mat and mobiles that made noises had been set out and I though, "Right, it's a quiet area" and decided to have a bit of a play with it.
It only took a few minutes and I sensed myself shifting to a younger more tactile headspace playing with it so while I may not identify with AB, some things from it could be in my little space needs that benefit from being met.
The other large side to this that for this whole period I am in a setting where my behaviour and attitudes are under the gaze of adults with authority over me and where I know I will be taken to one side and spanked without exception for any breaches of what I know isn't acceptable.
I do tend to ignore no's blanking them out or get into oppositional behaviour because my emotional side is running at a child's and not even necessary a maturing teen level and spanking is part of the way I'm being managed to put a stop to this to help me mature within my limitations in the way I generally wasn't before.
In that way I'm in the middle/little headspace where Authority has the final say and I am slowly learning, changing my behaviour so much so that I didn't need a spanking just doing what I am expected or am told to do with no back chat.
Connected with that is that they are challenging my low expectations of not just what I can do but of what it is I am to be expected to do from now on to help me grow up a little, taken on a bit more personal responsibility and contribute more to.
In this way they're putting me through growing pains and strict discipline to move me from where I had been parked.
Some of this showed for example in the Games morning where in the past I'd of not taken part in things that I both find difficult with my physical as well as developmental/learning disabilities such as being rubbish at archery, not understanding instructions well, poor co-ordination and lack of strength I'd of gone down the route of oppositional behaviour but I was informed I was to bring my games kit, put it on and be in a team regardless.
In other words I was to adopt a more grown up mature approach which would be overseen to help me with them ensuring I co-operated.
I am so thankful as hard going doing this is, they're putting me through it because I need help to change and be the best I can, not the least I can get away with.

I Guess I'm Different Part II

Well last weeks bit of a post created some interest amongst those that ready my comments at various forums and art based sites where I am publishing some short back to the past regressive stories.

One of things across this blog I've been talking about is what is me.
I'd normally hesitate to use a term like define because it seems to me define often excludes those things I may share with people for saying how I'm not the same as when to me at least what you are includes both.
It's also the case that self realization can lead at the very least to a reframing of what that definition may include if not a wholesale change.
Change is constant but the biggest constant in all of this for me the lack of of an adult sense of self and of place in the presence of others who are adults by age; My relationship to you is defined by me looking toward you for guidance and authority because you are the adult I am not and cannot be.
The answer to the question what is my sense of place is simple: I am a girl and much less a woman.
By the standards of most I'm not 'normal' in that way not least for the role my developmental disabilities play in this that means for me it's not 'age play' so much as 'emotional and developmental age is'. It's the not normalness of me that actually is my strength and what is wonderful about me.
The thing is then we must be honest about these needs and work through ways of meeting them so I'm emotional and developmental age treated approximately for the girl I am for me to make the most of myself and contribute to society rather than ignoring the elephant in the room.

On my attitudes

There are plus points to being very much a adult child not least when like for me it is developmentally what you are but it also means I have the same sorts of reactions as a child in certain situations leading to situations that can be trying.
One area of attitudes I do have problems in is regulating my emotions  being impulsive, quick to act and quick to just say things without understanding what is wrong with the way I'm saying it if not the words.
I tend to raise my voice to people who contradict my wants, not paying any attention to them or not  respect any authority so I challenge, make excuses for not going along with it and delay what I am told to do to 'get out of it'
I don't do as I'm told.
I appeal to authority figures but only obey you after making the appeal and then my appeal is demanding and disrespectful of your authority.
Generally I'm not prepared and willing to obey either way and accept your decision with a good attitude.
Some of this has been reinforced through being encourage to stand my ground  against anyone who'd treat me badly because of my disabilities and I'm used to going on the defensive feeling you're picking on me or feeling you should cut me a special deal.

I need you to teach me how I am to treat you and anyone else in my life who has authority over me, setting the standards and reinforcing the boundaries so I learn to instinctively respect them which I don't now.
I need you to scold and correct me so I learn what I was meant to had done when I was younger and be prepared to spank me without fail so I understand the consequences of my failure to recognize your authority over me.

On restoration

Restoration

Restoring the balance both at home with my parents and with other adults trying to get so a kind of natural order is there is very much what the last fifteen or so months of my life has been about, been given a proper place in those relationships, subject to their adult authority at all times.
When I look back at how things were at the start of this I can see how unsatisfactory the way I interaction at home and with other adults were, doing pretty much what I pleased no matter how they may of felt about or been effected by it.
I had a okay relationship with Mom and poor one with Dad and didn't really feel bonded to other adults at all so things did not run anything like smoothly for a lot of the time.
It wasn't that I was necessarily super obnoxious but I could not truthfully say I was exactly well behaved either having little sense of boundaries and parental and other adult guidance in my life.
It felt that I'd been been left without any guidance but being expected to know what to do when in fact I had no idea about how to behave.
That was when during Christmas 2014 when the external guidance started and as time went by other people followed through with everything changed although it took time.
This was when there now was a set of House Rules and similar rules for other adults brought into my life with very real consequences for any breach of those rule.
These included  being scolded, having my knickers taken down to be spanked or caned without fail and having to carry out any restitution straightaway.

Of course I didn’t become perfect overnight, but gradually, week by week, the new discipline code began to turn my behaviour and attitude around and as the adults recast as disciplinarians began to feel this wonderful sense of positive empowerment to act because they cared. Every time they took me over their lap I felt that at last I was receiving a way of providing me with the kind of positive guidance that I needed. I felt that they were giving me exactly what I needed, at exactly the right time in my life and I could see that I was absolutely thriving on this old-fashioned form of discipline.

It wasn't that it was all discipline, because it did include face to face discussions about my behaviour and conduct and what my many limitations being allowed for, I could and should be expected to do better together with rewards so it was recognized when I did really well to help me form a sense, a belief, in my ability to do the right thing .

This restoration  went hand in hand with having me dress more as that adult child often in her uniform as a learned to accept and co-operate with adult authority  I resembled their child subject to their adult authority with that uniform signifying my acceptance  of their rules and the spanking that I subject to in it.

Spanking I would say in my experience is an excellent form of discipline for girls who like me are over 18 and live at home or with adults to help learn how to conduct ourselves and adopt good personal habits

Looking back at the last year

As a few entries touched on, I went from a situation in my late teens with very little effective discipline of any kind to the removal of anything short of being made to leave home without having the very attitudes corrected and by late 2014 things were in a mess.

More by chance than anything discussions at various places lead to me finding a Caregiver who accepted and was prepared to work with adult middle me who made it plain they wanted me in school uniform and they were going to discipline me as that schoolgirl.

 They made it a hard rule that My knickers were to come right down for all punishment spankings so my bared bottom was going to pay the price from now on for all infractions, looked at my problems  and we agreed a set of rules to help me change.

And not just a  slipper but a hairbrush, leather and wooden paddles too as I increasingly learned to present my bottom for correction as just an everyday part of my life.

 
It wasn’t long before I felt so at ease with it that talking to other trusted adults who knew me and my problems well, that they took on a disciplinarian role to a middle who they also knew as one who is in school uniform, agreeing to spank me whenever I’m with them.

For good measure measure many of little/middle friends know about this, do know when I’ve been in trouble and are supportive because they know I can be more mature and considerate if I want to be.

It was through the discussions through them that quite against the odds caning something I only had at school came back as an option in more severe infractions with a variety of different canes being available to use when extinguishing a behavior or attitude was required.

Given it worked then I can't see it failing to keep my behaviour and attitudes in decent limits. 

Other things such as the Tawse and Martinet are agreed options too.

It was a long, painful process with some elements such as having more trusted Adults re-enforcing my Caregiver by disciplining me too not even in the original plan but it has started to work.

 
Who knew this was just what I so badly needed from Adult Authority figures who cared enough to step in and prevent me from falling while also working with guidance and support on changing me so I never get to that point again.

Please support spanking me. You know it  makes sense.

Gratitude

“Said you’re bored with your poxy presents did you Miss?” “I spent a lot of my time and money on them and to have such a show of ingratitude from you, Jo, I have no choice but to deal with your attitude here and now.”
Originally published over the Christmas break, as we look back over that period a month back, how many of us really felt appreciative of the presents people bought us and how as ever did we deal with the disappointments.
Did we feel ‘Meh’ as we unwrapped each and every one, even getting into a funk as we opened it up thinking “God, don’t they know I’d never use that?” even feeling insulted by their choice?
I have to be honest and say in the past i have been like that - proper miserable to live with - and actually a good hard spanking  with a simple to understand lecture would of helped set me straight.

Getting along the right way

I'm pleased the week went well, not least for my mentors delight I did really well this week and not even needing to be reminded about my behaviour when with friends which goes to show what with proper guidance I can do.

Although it was embarrassing to have to admit to it, explaining my addiction to the internet felt like a weight was lifted of my shoulders and I was helped to tackle it by having my netbook stored way from me overnight to ensure I do get my sleep.

Like, a lot of these things go back and sometimes into the present around how you see you and how you fit in with it.

You might have been encouraged along a line of thinking that said the World and how it treats You is unfair, which it can be, but you're to man the barricades fighting it, refusing to accept the world as it is in any way shape or form.

You make no attempt to co-operate with it's representatives preferring to make demands for Your rights no matter what effect it may have on others and how they may feel about that list of demands.

Because you're different, well you should have different rules and if you dare question it toss an extra helping of guilt in.

Sure that's an farsided paraphrasing but it's one I'm familiar with knowing people like that and yes I was the same for a very long time but that isn't allowed to cut it anymore with me.

You know, we see the warnings about the dangers of sugary drinks and snacks, corroding your teeth but that rich syrupy My Rights alone stuff does the same to your ability to take your place in the World and your backbone.

It sets you on a collusion course with everyone and every organization you meet where you would have been better encouraged to work with people, accepting yourself and your abilities and that sensible adjustments apart the world just isn't fair. You can't try out for the fire service in a wheelchair although there's no reason you can't for the control room instead.

That's not the same as saying real injustices ought not to be protested, that actual discrimination isn't wrong and people may not handle you quite right requiring something to be said, it's just there are more effective ways of doing it.

As well, most people are decent and fair minded so an appeal on those grounds often is more effective than adopting a confrontational pose.

Following on a bit from last weeks entry it wasn't just the heady rich syrupy My Rights that worked it's way through corroding your backbone and making it hard to slot in the World as it is, there was something else too.

An enabler.

From the least expected place it came along saying you and you alone were special and entitled to demand a better deal than your peers.

You could have different rules in effect because they would refuse to accept the idea you'd be treated the same as others on the basis of either you couldn't help it or your life is hard enough as it is, taking that to any authority figure, another parent, group leader or school jumping up and down screaming about the injustice of it.

Or maybe you'd encounter some group or other that would encourage you in doing just that.

The strange thing was while I thought at the time I was entitled to refuse to be treated like any other kid, when as did happened those people just plowed on treating me the same to the point of also just going ahead and spanking me regardless, I did feel it did me more good and I did manage to behave myself better around them.

Somethings can have a dual purpose which no doubt has a lot to do with their acceptance in domestically delivered discipline.

It often goes through my hair, keeping it straight, knot free and even having a soft massaging feel.

On the other side, that has been used on me to deliver firm memorable spankings that are changing some long term destructive patterns of behaviour not before time.

New year thoughts

I have a lot of things to think about this year like for example just how I slot my regressed life, having accepted I'll never truly be an adult around the edges of adults when it comes to getting the to understand I can never be them in a world where all to often only full adult needs are seen as those to meet.
I am working on being more upfront with people about my limitations when it comes to people may provide a service such as shops in the way I have with health professionals like doctors because there are things they can do to help and in some areas legally they are kinda meant to because the things that are difficult stem from my disabilities that I can't help.
Another thing dear reader is I NEED you to remind me that IF I don't want the spanking I WILL get for my attitudes and behaviour, then  I AM to change them because they ARE the consequences that arise from them.
That's because Nobody will accept my excuses from now on.

It's about time

Writing anything with quite a number of words in it isn't something I find easy as I find structuring things difficult actually but maybe it's time I tried to rise to the challenge?

 

One of big problems over the years has been around motivation, as in feeling very much inclined toward not doing anything without a grudging muttered insincere “I'll get around to that later, thanks” without finding the time to actually undertake the requested action.

 

I might know I agreed that but I just don't feel like getting around to it, preferring to do nothing but that which just amuses me instead like watching tv or spending hours online (and I mean hours-you should see my internet browser history logs!).

 

Months may pass and that request never gets dealt with no matter how many times the matter is raised. Again.

 

It's just the same when it comes to me wanting or needing to do things that are just about my needs such as keeping my own spaces tidy, getting around to buying things that need to be replaced, organizing things I need that involve others.

 

I just don't feel getting started on them so I don't resulting in me spending the reminder of my time fighting through items, hunting for item that are not so much lost but filed under M for mess or half expecting somebody to have gotten things organized for me as if by magic, getting mouthy when they're not.

 

I'm sure you'd think straight of the bat this reads like an entry from a teen but it's not although it's true much of this probably stems from that period which was very much disturbed with inter-family relationship issues some of which involved threats to call in the Police that left so many behavioural issues unchallenged cos nobody wanted to go there. And I had a stack of cards to play and know how to.

 

So much of this has been rumbling around even with reminders ever since, that having hit a bad spot recently, I felt open to trying to do something about given verbal reasoning is something that I either ignore or shout down and I needed something in which that just wasn't possible.

 

Seeing I'd been doing nothing preparing for the season even though I had plenty of time to do, so I came to the sobering thought that what I was in need of at that point was probably what I needed at the starting point of all this-a spanking.

 

Given I'm on my own, don't (can't) drive and live off the main public transportation network, this was going to have to be self delivered, would require me to not be inhibited in inflicting the swats and so I took out a paddle getting on with inflicting twenty  without flinching. 

 

It wasn't the easiest thing to have to do for me as it really hurt lasting for a few days(naturally I did check for undue soreness etc), feeling tearful afterward, however I have to say I have finally caught up now and am likely to stay on track as it has moved me more toward finally wanting to stop so many of these habits that impact on others apart from stopping me from being responsible.

 

As painful as it is to sit afterwards, it is what I deserved.

 

As for what next year brings, I can't guarantee but I'd like people to take those cards of mine I played to escape being accountable for my actions, rip them up and help me face up to my responsibilities.

 

It's about time.

L is for little

After last months entry I saw this and feel it's time to be more open about certain things.
I AM a little, I AM a submissive even though I get bratty at times that's cos I'm needing someone else to direct me. I DO dress and  speak in a more childlike manner although for me some of this has medical reasons and DO find this dynamic  comforting although for me there's nothing sexual going on.

Sorting me out

 

I don't like tattoos much but this is so much not just the kind of bedroom I just love with it's children's furniture, care bear plushies and posters but also of being in a very young girl gingham dress, braided and bowed as an adult little.

I was never really intended to be a grown up.

Treetops

Treetops school as a concept began on a short lived website of mine around 2012 and took on a life of its own last year with a series of stories featuring people I was in contact with who shared a similar outlook on the no longer existing Tumblr and perhaps with a few changes, will return on this account.

The basic premise of Treetops was it was set in a fictional school in South Staffordshire in a big rambling former hall of which there are fair number and converted into school for Adult Middles with a suitable middle backstory, who were struggling with life and learning be it ‘real’ schools, college or  University or whatever.

Part of the reason they were struggling was that the had very much for real a ‘Middle headspace’  that was their normal one so not only did they not relate to other adults as adults, from the inside they were not, being children of around 12 upward who simply could not cope with adult expectations and critically needed the structure of traditional girls school.

Treetops was a place that offered them a second chance because it respected their being adult middles, allowing them to express themselves while at the same by effectively putting them back in school, it provided the very structured life they needed as well the chance to improve on their formal education.

Every Treetops adult Middle ‘child’ has to wear a full per-determined school uniform with only a few exemptions that they are given as needed, there is a house system which every girl is assigned, and Prefects to encourage the girls to exercise responsibility for themselves and to ensure other girls do the same.

Treetops provided them with personal support and guidance that went beyond academic education, covering social and life skills as many had struggled with these that to get by around the Adult World they needed  to grasp.

Treetops also understood something fundamental about most adult middles, which is often they struggle with behavioral norms, don’t get subtle hints and more ‘grown up’ ways of disciplining them so they agreed to be given strict corporal punishment instead which often works better at making long term changes for the better to their attitudes and behaviour in their work and personal relationships.

This would start from slapping of legs and hands, through spanking to  having the cane with many finding it not only helped with learning appropriate attitudes but with being in an appropriate sense of place being held to account in suitably child-like way. Treetops middles truly appreciated this even if some big wigs in the Adult World had issues with it, because it works for them.

In some ways them it was more a cross between an enlightened, progressive Reform School and Malory Towers, which as far as the girls were concerned was the bestest place to be.

Sleep and a Middle

The more Junior me sleeps in sensible girlish night attire like PJ's with stuffies and a teddy bear I hug if I wake up all scared from a nightmare cos along with the other more child-like sides of me I do have things like that.
I find a fixed bedroom routine can help in getting me to sleep nut when grown ups try to get me on theirs cos it may fit in better with their ideas, it never works out right.
It just underscores why little space and being able to live in it matters so much to me.

Regessive replacements III

Equally replace magazines and newspapers by  something really more appropriate

Like this

Or this that also might help teach me Curtsey

Or these with traditional childhood stories and even horse adventures.

Regressive replacements

And while your at it, why not replace some interests and hobbies for something more suitable?

Like giving me dolls so rather than reading glossy fashion magazines, I play with dollies, dressing them?
Or card games for the child I'm regressing to?

 

So I play snap  instead with you.

And a plushie to carry with me too?

Discipline with love

Pix credit: David Adams.

I have lots of problems in my life but a good many go back to how I was raised or rather not raised that have caused me lots of issues some more around how others set their own rules and how they wanted me to relate to them that was at variance with others so I saw myself as at least an absolute equal to you although you were said to be an authority figure or able to get away with challenging you for authority.

It's really time I think to start again

When people talk about disciplining, they tend to think it should be a frequent occurrence to spank but if you do it right it shouldn't be that necessary because if you did it to me, I would associate the discomfort with what I did and avoid it.

It's not necessary to go really into 'hard spanking' being so harsh it hard caused me to lose my spirit but it needs to be sufficient to cause my to cry genuinely from from the pain you applied to my bottom.

If you would have me learn to yield  to your loving authority, there's every chance I'd learn to submit to the other forms authority that will confront me in my life such as teachers, school principal, police, neighbours and employers. 

I need you to uphold your authority and constantly so when I challenge you, you win decisively and I always lose.

This isn't happening right now.

I want you to take that rod of correction and use it sparingly but with love whenever I am challenging you with no good reason so I learn my proper relationship between you and other authority in my life and me.

This would really help me.

All my love, Jo.

Hold it!

There are times when I feel waves of emotions often negative ones just for want of a better expression travelling through me like a tidal wave and while they are not helped by frustrations when some sequenced action just fails in a unexpected way.
Sometimes I don't notice I feel that way toward something or more typically someone until I've let out that emotion usually in the forms of words that at best jar with people and sometimes are stronger than I really wanted to say which unless you may know me, you may form a less than good impression of me than how I really am faults and all.
I sometimes wish people would help me more with this.

The twilight zone

In a lot of ways because what had happened, the failure to really engage with me emotionally to fulfill my needs including installing a sense of right and wrong or even any tangable sense of independence, I always long to go back to my past.
My past is where a good number of problems lie not least this twilight zone  when I'm not really adult but people find it hard to cope with my impulsive childishness, feeling in many ways abandoned to fate rather than being enabled to resume that journey that stopped in my early teens. I actually want somebody to spank me.