On being away

Today I'm not actually at home so I have written this entry up in advance as I have been busy from the middle of last week getting ready to go away for what is in effect my summer holiday, one that features my friends too.
I know that compared to a good number of others my many disabilities aside, I am actually privileged to be able to my life more as it best suits me and to have been able working with people to arrive at something that works respecting my very child-like nature, interests and vulnerabilities.
I am treated and looked after as the little girl within I am, helped to do as much as I can for myself and to contribute as her within my abilities in my relationship with others.
For me this period away might as well of been the vacation I always wanted as that child and why it is I love and only wish more were able to enjoy one like it.
Until next week, hugs Jo. x

Being me

I'm in the throes a busy time right now cos if you read the other blog, you'll know I'm not gonna be around for like six whole days cos apart from not taking my Chromebook with - easily the best hundred pound I ever spent - the internet is so flaky just two people using will bring it to a grinding halt apart from being dead slow when it works.
You might just wonder how it is I can run a vast blog empire with one set of  dodgy paws and to be honest even I do at times but it's cos I've learned a lot over the last few years to make the most of my time as a part of whole thing that's been documented from where I was.
It sounds incredibly counter intuitive but in my life we go backward to go forward, we work with the child within in her time so I learn the things that I failed to first time around be that math or just appropriate behaviour.
I have the settings within relationships I actually can handle and make use of  because we now accept I won't be fully adult so have set it at the level it belongs so I feel okay running those parts of my life and getting the guidance I need to help with that which really was what what passes as growing up with me really was meant to be about: Being independent within my limits and accepting I cannot be totally independent.
Handing back some of the areas I just wasn't managing may seem to some hard, even painful, but to be honest it's been a blessing not to get in messes, not to be at the point of having meltdowns as often as I did just to do what I can and enjoy my time as that adult-child in a similar way to an actual child does.

On relationships and life

While I was away this weekend an account of which can be found Here  I found myself thinking about the role of relationships in my life.
Relationships not least family ones have  played a negative part in my upbringing from distancing, not willing to get close to me or to encourage me to get closer, being more overly affectionate as well as a sense of suspicious  between family members that just corroded any meaningful sense of trust and security I ever had.
Living in a world where you always watched your back, where telephone conversations were bugged, people lurked behind doors listening in  and mail read took its toll on me even to the point I was writing or drawing stuff about it in my teens on correspondence and never kept a formal diary in case it was read which it would.
That's one of differences now cos I do but it's more online journalling it may be such as with my main blog an account of a day out or interests related or more about my moods and emotions cos it me understanding them and helps with having some record I can refer to.
One of the things that has altered for me now is how it is I am expected to co-operate and behave with other people and that's been a thing that's talked about here so when I was away I was expected to help with things such as setting the table, washing up and generally helping out.
I am also expected now to help in the kitchen with making whatever we are going to eat even if some tasks may be done for me because I am expected to use my abilities to contribute whatever my disabilities may prevent.
If I do something wrong that I know I shouldn't like trying to cut things on the top of the sink where I'd either mark it or risk injuring myself which I did, then I was spanked there and then for it to ensure I learn from it which I was
What I longed for as an adult little girl is the simple love and affection of a forever mother and father figure who will help me feel loved, wanted and secure so I can grow.
Was that too much to ask?
I think after thinking over how things have been not this weekends time spent with one who does looks after me the answer has to be no because they are actively engaged in making me grow, feeling secure but at same time prepared to discipline me.
It was and is what I truly needed.

Tumblr adventures

First off, after some can we, can't we thoughts, I'll be away from Friday thru Sunday so the next edition may be delayed as the bigger priority will be the middles/little blog which itself might be a day late having to write it upon return.
This has meant part of this week has been about getting things ready for while I will be away, ensuring the blogs are as up to date as possible and also tidying up some of blogosphere that has built up over the years  including rebuilding the tumblr that was formerly  attached to this blog for a number of reasons that include interaction of the kind I never consented to having to dealt with twice daily, people following my other totally sfw one who were actual very nsfw cos they confused them and the ease you mix up your reblogs.
Part of reason to is connected why this blog has changed - for the better - the focus is more on me as a person and what I like and need rather than the narrow context of spanking so rather than tweak a tumblr I thought it was time to just make a clean start and build up an entirely new following from that standpoint.
Another thing I'm super happy about is my BFF has done something similar from a different direction  namely  to create a totally new completely sfw cute blog cos mixing posts between a sometimes nsfw non sexual tumblr and a sfw age regression tumblr either in a community like mine or not is a no especially with minors.  It's also nice just to have a blog that's just cute age regression stuff.
As well my community has tidied up the rules so they are clearer making them easy to understand and added a simple application system so we know who is in it and can find each other.
It does mean we can reblog each others sfw posts easily where both are now tumblr  blogs that are purely sfw age regressed ones.
This is so great! 

Memory stick musings

I'm just getting on with writing up this blog over the weekend where I have been a bit low in spoons which happens at times with me.
Over the last week or so I've  been thinking a bit about the difference in where I am now and where I was at a good eight to ten years ago which may seem only like yesterday to me given how my brain is wired but actually is a significant amount of time.
For one thing, that was the post breakdown period with me where I hit the buffers trying to play a role I had been encouraged to by a lot of so-called disability experts who today I see as people who fundamentally were trying to deny the major part disabilities play in my life and to a large extent shape by denying the impact and in effect having me do slot into their idea of what a 'successful' disabled person was supposed to be - an achiever showing academic abilities despite disabilities rather than a person who is may well be capable but with significant functioning issues that require constant support.
The other stemming from the same place was they also denied how those limitations mean in terms of mental development, I was functioning several years younger having the overview, language and mindset of a more junior child at high school and several years further on at the same point but being expected to perform at an adult level.
This simply isn't and hasn't in a number of decade hasn't occurred because however good I may be at filling in some gaps, the larger ones remain and to an extent even the fact I do fill the minor gaps leaves me the more vulnerable because people focus on that 'achievement' rather than what I cannot cope with and why I struggle making my way through adult life and situations.
Another of the things around this period was discovering networks sometimes websites sometimes hubs and it was one these that caught my eye Monday when looking through a  memory stick with more of an eye to pictures of my old monitor and its Charmmy Kitty screen saver, I spotted some screen prints done off it from a site I spent quite a bit time on.
Yahoo 360 for the youngsters, was a giant hub where lots of groups had spaces on, you could message and blog and your blogs were interactive, you had a update stream from what your friends were doing  and at the time I was looking around  littles and Tg/'sissy' groups, talking with people, exploring that side of life which I enjoyed until it shut down around July 2009.
That lead to a blog being started *cough* to collate what old posts I originally had on Yahoo 360.
That was a part of my coping mechanism back then as I have been recently explaining a little to people about bringing life back into line with what actually works for me, what meets my actual needs not least the 'little' side of me cos not wishing to sound like a record it's not so much age play as being in an actual age regressed by anyone else's standards headspace without an off button.
One difference between now that period is the likes of Facebook, Tumblr and to a point Fetlife fulfill what we had circa 2007-9 with dedicate sites being more niche affairs and in some respects for me Tumblr fills the Yahoo slot although for more dedicated needs the likes of EE, FA, DDLG World and GT cover more group and have a better focus. Imho, Tumblr if it built in proper Communities support rather than groups who squabble of tag rights and alleged misuse of could easily be a total 2017 Yahoo 360 replacement.
The other is I do feel more stronger in myself to pursue the life that makes more sense and especially to ensure I'm in those settings that respect my real needs  being prepared to engage with me on the level I'm at, helping me to do what I can for myself while while accepting my child-like vulnerabilities prepared to just step in as needed to deal with any situations I land in.
That's come about through the baby steps I took through that period exploring my needs and making appropriate connections to communities where I really belong.
For me then the 00's were where it all came together,

On friendship

Here we go again seeing white rabbits as we enter a new month and so start with our first one of July.
Talking as one does often lead to my mind thinking about things that may not of been at the centre of attention  but around the edges.

This was one thing that was revolving around my mind the other day cos we all seem to have different ideas of what a friend is or isn't wherever we happen to be.
For me one important part of being a friend to someone is the extent to which I feel emotionally connected to them and with them, that's to say we feel for each other  in ways that go beyond general sympathies.
Another is that you share a lot in common with that person seeing at least some parts of you in them although you are your own person, both the good points and the bad.
You do have differences but you learn to accommodate them because what you have in common counts for more.
You can argue with them because you care passionately about them and their well-being but you respect boundaries, always making up afterward. When you do that your friendship hasn't lessened-it's grown deeper.
The amount of true friends can be counted on one finger rather than the number of followers on Facebook and Tumblr because they're just acquaintances.
You sure would share the last thing you had with them.