New term at the dorm and in trouble!

There's nothing quite like a big case for taking an impromptu rest on now is there although being perched on the end of a table comes a close second if my recollections for being told off for it at school and elsewhere are anything to go by. And yes that's a hockey stick seeing it's Autumn and the school hockey season is upon us.
In the eighties, when hip hop and turntabling become very popular we had a good number of catch phrases such as "Cat Scratch Fever" that made their way on to silver and black stickers we liberally coated our pocketbooks and dorms with although the kind of scratch fever I have presently is different.
Marmalade, the most imposing cheekiest ever pussycat, you see has brought that kind of scratch fever to me with inflamed red spots where his fleas have made a meal out of me and I'm feeling very itchy.
Believe me trying to both not scratch these darn things and not get irritated with people and things because of the discomfort it's leaving me in is hard going so I'm like counting to ten before responding because it's not other peoples fault I'm feeling this way.
I have to try to learn to deal with them better these days.
That wasn't the only thing that happened  this week though.
Rain it has to be said doesn't do much for my bones at all so when it's not okay to be  out then attention naturally turns to indoor matters and may be things that have been put off. The other week I was talking about the mountains of VHS tapes that don't get played as I no longer have a recorder and even the dvd box sets that seemed a good idea at the time that were rocketing skywards in piles and eventually I got around to tidying them up  and removing chunks untouched unplayed for like years and some instances decades. 
"How many times do I have to tell you you have to do something about those high rise tower block piles of cd's, Jo?" Well that would of been on a caption made for me cos I like have to deal with them which between a coffee break and writing this  I am doing cos they're like rabbits, multiplying so I've been tidying them up so they're in sort of order rather than last order used and thinning them out. Later on I have to wait, have my progressed on this checked and then I'm to be bent over, knickers taken down for a paddling for shooting through repeated instructions to do this. Don't feel sorry for me as I do need to learn from this experience.
Until the next time, bye

On relationships and life

While I was away this weekend an account of which can be found Here  I found myself thinking about the role of relationships in my life.
Relationships not least family ones have  played a negative part in my upbringing from distancing, not willing to get close to me or to encourage me to get closer, being more overly affectionate as well as a sense of suspicious  between family members that just corroded any meaningful sense of trust and security I ever had.
Living in a world where you always watched your back, where telephone conversations were bugged, people lurked behind doors listening in  and mail read took its toll on me even to the point I was writing or drawing stuff about it in my teens on correspondence and never kept a formal diary in case it was read which it would.
That's one of differences now cos I do but it's more online journalling it may be such as with my main blog an account of a day out or interests related or more about my moods and emotions cos it me understanding them and helps with having some record I can refer to.
One of the things that has altered for me now is how it is I am expected to co-operate and behave with other people and that's been a thing that's talked about here so when I was away I was expected to help with things such as setting the table, washing up and generally helping out.
I am also expected now to help in the kitchen with making whatever we are going to eat even if some tasks may be done for me because I am expected to use my abilities to contribute whatever my disabilities may prevent.
If I do something wrong that I know I shouldn't like trying to cut things on the top of the sink where I'd either mark it or risk injuring myself which I did, then I was spanked there and then for it to ensure I learn from it which I was
What I longed for as an adult little girl is the simple love and affection of a forever mother and father figure who will help me feel loved, wanted and secure so I can grow.
Was that too much to ask?
I think after thinking over how things have been not this weekends time spent with one who does looks after me the answer has to be no because they are actively engaged in making me grow, feeling secure but at same time prepared to discipline me.
It was and is what I truly needed.

Being grown up week

I've been dealing with a few things over the last week, some unexpected, some not but there's a few common things in common to them all.
The main thing has been getting things organized for a couple of days away fairly soon one which was a complete surprise from a friend of mine who is very aware of this whole life of mine to the point of being prepared to spank me where needed so I've had to get the details of that agreed and sort the transportation out as non-driver.
The other is the first of the twice yearly Littles meet ups here in Great Britain over several days where a good number of spend a few days in a rented place having fun in safe secluded environment which was known about but my transportation plans got changed so I've had to stick my Big Girls pants on and co-operate with someone on their timetable so I could get their without running into issues that would put me at appreciable personal risk.
Then as ever on Tumblr a person who I followed for a while switched the Community and tag affinities to one which is more exclusionary so I had message them to see if they were still okay with people in mine following and was informed not so I was required to unfollow them so I did.
The funny thing is at the other account with a different group I have when when I need a more controlled time their they actually added me! Now do you think I can be two totally different persons?
I suspect it just show how much this community label stuff  blinds people to who the person is and the exact nature of what they post.
The thing all of these things have in common is they've required me to act in a more mature way, considering and in some ways giving more priority to their needs and wishes than my own although they are important too.
That I have is a sign of how this life is helping me finally grow up.

New Year reaffirmation

Seeing this is the start of New Year one might begin this first edition of the New Year looking at resolutions which we have talked about at various sites, certainly at SN, not just the more usual things around positions, material things and pay for those that are employed but more around the things we find difficulty with and in a less overtly religious way, our moral and behavioural traits not just in how they leave us but especially the impact on others of when get it wrong.
The following is the emotional age appropriate standard for me as a child/adult hybrid expressed in a way I can understand easier

Now that isn't too tall an order for me get to grips with so keeping to it is one of my most important things this year.
What I really want you all to do is help hold me to all five points of this over the year be it in a chat room, on the threads of a forum or social media and especially face to face.
I want you to be to be fair but very firm with me being prepared to chastise me as and when I deviant from such basic social norms, learning to own the consequences of my actions to help me be as responsible as I can even with my learning and developmental disabilities.
This is what matters the most for me in Twenty-seventeen. 

Painted Black

Just when I thought things couldn't sink much lower I am dealing with some personal Tumblr drama that kicked off last Thursday when probably a bit worse for disturbed sleep I accidentally posted one (minor) spanking post on my regular Tumblr which resulted in one community mod shipping a cease and desist from using Community tag and without warning adding me to a blocklist of said community to whom I'd had no problems of belong before.
It's not that I don't disagree that was a breach of rules that I am responsible for so much that it was just a pure accident, the account changer box didn't respond so it was all tagged for as per Tumblr rules and regulations on the wrong account.  The first I realized something was wrong when I saw the message inbox indicate and It was a bit early for my caregiver.
The post was removed within an hour.
The thing I take issue with was not being asked to explain what happened, just presuming it was deliberate and that the message did not say anything about being put on a blocklist and to had been able to worked through a suitable apology to them.  Actually, it isn't that this group can't have *ahem* adult posts it's just they (rightly) go on a separate blog and if that is one the same account then there is a chance of the same thing happening to them. Indeed one person did but they were given the chance to start a fresh new account for the group.
Could I of been offered a period to show this would not occur again and to have taken some agreed steps to prevent such a slip up instead of a very public block listing?
I can't speak for many but for me at least such things do bring a strong sense of shame and mortification, you do realize what you did and how it may effect others, indeed I haven't had much sleep over it and its repercussions being extremely upset over it.
Instead it seems they would sooner leave me in a tormented mental state, pacing the floor, having some really dark thoughts.

Thoughts on the week

My BFF, Lucy, is at her age play parents now, working part time and studying the reminder in a very child-like home setting with strict rules which are enforced.
We keep in touch a lot supporting each other as both have similar so-called real life needs to which we're getting similar support.
She wrote a Treetops story, yesterday, about a regressive school that uses traditional structures and discipline to help those of us who struggle getting life together and to be more grown up and was trying to email me without any success.
It seems I 'd allowed my mails inbox to become so full it was sending any incoming mail back to sender  which is just typical as I fall down on tasks like that so I had to apologize for that.
As well, I had some fun the other night in littles chat and one area is that I have a set "No later than" bedtime which is monitored within my relationship to PB so it's necessary to excuse myself around a suitable time and that if I'm tired then in real time then in effect I'm sent to bed early which is about ensuing I get the sleep I need and I make responsible choices when I'm unwell putting my well-being first. This is something that hasn't been the case in recent past at all as I've had very much a "cannot be missing out" impulsiveness to drive myself beyond  my real limits just for my fun and possibly others.
I'm actually glad I can just come out to them and be straight around why I leave when I do rather than making anything up.
Something else however I did decide not to mention there was a mutual friend of mine and a number of the others had contacted me around one uniform I had worn and also about about spanking me which is something that is a part of my relationship to them having spoken to them about my needs and how they are met such as having a Caregiver figure in my life who does using spanking with rewards and guidance to meet them.
It may seem odd to be able to talk freely to someone about what you are comfortable about  what you're being spanked for and how they might do it but to me it's just a everyday part of life that's not connected with anything really adult such as sex or say bondage and has rather more in common with talking with other children or say a grown up your stopping with who says "What happens to you if you do this" say break a vase or "How are you disciplined at home?" to which you are expected to answer straightaway and truthfully.
That's hardly surprising as in my middle/little form it is just a run on of those exact same situations and I am very glad they are as parent-like figures in my life  giving me the guidance and, when they feel it's appropriate, the spanking I need to help me in being accountable and learning to do more in the home.

The languages of apology I can be taught

As a reader of this blog, you will have realized I'm by no means  perfect having gotten into situations that I shouldn't and a good part of what it is about is helping me change those habits of a lifetime in part by the establishment of clear rules for me to learn to live by rather than just overriding yours and by the consistent disciplining of me so I may never get away with it without administered consequences.

The other side to this is teaching me what to to put things right in real time so I assume appropriate responsibility for my own actions where in the past I've ever shrugged my shoulders or attempted to play a card - usually a disability card to exempt myself from the standards expected of others.

I need people to take me through this so I am as responsible as I am actually capable of disabilities aside so I learn to conform to your standards and expectations.

Disability and discipline

There is one subject that I'd like to talk about on this blog which I do have views on.

 

While good arguments can be made for punishing people for things they could do but didn't especially if they had negative consequences for others, I do feel it is wrong to punish somebody for something that they had little or no control over such as stammering, being unable to write neatly, forgetting because of memory problems and so on.
This was something I did see occasionally in school and quite often in the workplace where it was just presumed everybody there had no disabilities and from that there were no excuses period for not being able or struggling with a task.
What as individual you needed was either support in the the task or or some extra tuition to master a task on a one to one basis which was something I had to fight tooth and nail for even at the risk of alienating some colleagues who though this help for me was somehow a threat or  unfairness to them.
Not  work reviews that seemed to be every other week sapping your confidence or any chastisement that if we'd of just refused to do right would of been justified and disability shouldn't prevent you for getting it.

On character

 

When you scratch the surface, although I may know of the world, fundamentally I'm  an innocent  little girl who just likes to suck lollipops, skip enjoying cute things and having fun than the things older teens and adults generally get up to who deserves to have that respected.

I may get things wrongs and sometimes be naughty but not a bad little girl at heart, far from it.

Attitude in the home to be worked on

I was talking with my Caregiver this week and he started to talk about something that kind of shocked me, like he asked what do I do around the house. Actually that's so off of the radar with me I'm like thinking whaddya mean but in a way that underscore one of big problems in my life which is actually I'm not really being responsible for it.
He's saying to me this has to change but at least a part of the problem is that other people seem so reluctant to move out of  doing something they see as their role not least with my folks feeling in some ways guilty for the disabilities I have.
It's easy to find excuses for excusing me but outside of you doing things that actually most people are expected to the other side of this  that it encourages me to feel other people should just do this for me too.
He's agreed a change I'm to work toward around this: Chores and I have to do them.
Chores
Own area
Making own bed
Getting clothes out for the next day
Hanging up own clothes neatly after wearing/washing
Making sure worn clothes are available for washing
Keeping own spaces tidy
Helping in the home 
Fixing own breakfast
Setting tables with cutlery, mats, glasses and cold refreshing drink
Clearing away and washing up afterward
Tidying away in other spaces after you
Helping with vacuuming
Feeding pets

In our regular communication around me and how I'm being helped, I have to talk with total honesty about how much of this I am doing.
I felt rather like this:

 It says a lot that my reaction is just like a teen, rather pouty as if you're gonna make me, huh?
Well, if I don't I'm going to get a spanking as this is going to be  part of my agreement which is probably what I need although the biggest irony in all this is teen me need this why back then.

The rights of developmentally disabled adults

The recent controversy over Lego's Discovery Centre's refusal to admit childless developmentally disabled adults on the basis of a adults with no kids not permitted end of policy puts elements of how people legally by virtue of age deemed adult but functionally not adult requiring caregivers are treated very much into play. Few would question the rightness to put the protection of children first but an 'adult' session was not a suitable replacement for those prevented by this as the situation would be too stressful, lack a child-like feel and given the need for carers not work out as many put those most effected and needing such an experience, would be being put to bed as such a session would be underway. Some pointed out those of us who are like this, are vulnerable ourselves, that many carers are vetted in away parents with children attending were not and that some parents use children to sadly get access to abuse others. As well, as the refused were offered  a pre-booked visit escorted at the same times, capacity nor physical safety wasn't an issue either. Society has a need to recognize our needs and how they can be better accommodated within the rules that are rightly about visitor experience while respecting that in so many ways you just can't lump us in with 'adults'. As much as I dislike labels and labelling, perhaps some legal category should exist with an issued card to make it easier for people to grant appropriate exemptions?