On relationships and life

While I was away this weekend an account of which can be found Here  I found myself thinking about the role of relationships in my life.
Relationships not least family ones have  played a negative part in my upbringing from distancing, not willing to get close to me or to encourage me to get closer, being more overly affectionate as well as a sense of suspicious  between family members that just corroded any meaningful sense of trust and security I ever had.
Living in a world where you always watched your back, where telephone conversations were bugged, people lurked behind doors listening in  and mail read took its toll on me even to the point I was writing or drawing stuff about it in my teens on correspondence and never kept a formal diary in case it was read which it would.
That's one of differences now cos I do but it's more online journalling it may be such as with my main blog an account of a day out or interests related or more about my moods and emotions cos it me understanding them and helps with having some record I can refer to.
One of the things that has altered for me now is how it is I am expected to co-operate and behave with other people and that's been a thing that's talked about here so when I was away I was expected to help with things such as setting the table, washing up and generally helping out.
I am also expected now to help in the kitchen with making whatever we are going to eat even if some tasks may be done for me because I am expected to use my abilities to contribute whatever my disabilities may prevent.
If I do something wrong that I know I shouldn't like trying to cut things on the top of the sink where I'd either mark it or risk injuring myself which I did, then I was spanked there and then for it to ensure I learn from it which I was
What I longed for as an adult little girl is the simple love and affection of a forever mother and father figure who will help me feel loved, wanted and secure so I can grow.
Was that too much to ask?
I think after thinking over how things have been not this weekends time spent with one who does looks after me the answer has to be no because they are actively engaged in making me grow, feeling secure but at same time prepared to discipline me.
It was and is what I truly needed.

Reflections on past incidents

This week I've been reminded of some of the distance I've travelled following the start of this blog and a number of events in my life that were very traumatic for me following my second best friends recent emotional upset following a number of events one of which centred around being filmed without permission in a small group and the other feeling overwhelmed by people demand their services for free just cos she's popular.
Much of that reminding came through recall of the incidents in trying to explain something however imperfectly about what I learned from them that helped me move past that may be of some use or comfort that even thinking about upset me.
Some of my thoughts and my problems around those events were that I never really processed them emotionally so much as attempted to stick them in the (emotional) trash can so they were hanging around and finding myself by accident processing them this week helped in drawing a line under what had happened.
I saw a site that had go in for some really heavyweight verbal abuse and liable at that time have people post on it this week that actually they never had an issue with me and some saying they didn't understand why it had all started in the first place when at the time it had left me feeling very frightened, vulnerable and even wanting to take my life.
I remembered all too well the nervous breakdown from 2006/7 when I had a very important community role with financial and other responsibilities where it was I was being left with essential tasks others with greater abilities  and non of my 'adult' functioning problems while willing left me alone to deal with them and a public who expected way too much.
That was the moment I had to ungrow up and acknowledge a painful truth, that the era of pretend and masking needed to stop because functionally I was at the level and abilities of a child and simply could not cope with the sort of adult responsibilities such roles expected of me.
As  one employed person of said organization whose name I won't mention on the internet said "I really had to shield and protect her (me) from what she was expected to do and cope  with".
I left them with a excellent testimonial thanks to that person for what I had managed to do and started to work on rebuilding the links to my Inner Child and in time letting her out, feeling more at ease of being the chronological adult who is child in all other respects with same needs and interests.
I moved forward in my life by embracing and moving back to the past - my past and being the child I am.

Getting proper started

It's strange. For most of my life - ever since I saw the lovely schoolgirls at school in their very girlish uniform - I wanted to wear a school uniform regularly. And now that I have more of the chance to do it, I don't. At least not often.  I hedge my bets dressing more like the office junior who left secretarial school for the world of work rather than actually regressing and when I do it's usually more the PE kit I put on rather than than regular day school uniform.
I have thought about this a lot lately and I think I have an explanation. I think it's because I lack the confidence to just come out as having this need, fetish, whatever you wanna call it even though I know I have it and even some who were born and raised as girls do even.
It's not that I have an issue with regression or even been seen as child-like - god knows I've acted at times in public very much like the child dressed as grown up - it's the fear of freaking at putting myself in actual girls attire not girl like attire for adults.

Back when I started all this  I was just getting over the nervous breakdown and the realization I wasn't an adult at least functionally and that pretending otherwise really had screwed me up. I was devastated (well, I'm still devastated) and maybe somehow I longed for my feminine junior schoolgirl side even more than usual. So it was great feeling to be wearing something more akin to what we did before I left school but didn't take things where they needed to be.

I think it would help a lot if I had a play partner or a dominant of some sort  who "forces" me to wear my uniform everyday not because they would be making me do anything I didn't really deep down so much as pushing me past that fear of freaking so I realize the appearence of that junior girl I am as much as is possible in my life cos that's really what is best for me.

Things I would of loved Mommy and other female adults in my life to have done for me in childhood include plaiting and putting my hair in bows after washing it from a shoulder length.

Carefree

Really it is that carefree girl that needs to come out, the one that just runs and skips contentedly in her own little world overseen as needed feeling safe, secure and loved.
The way I see things is that's all a part of my recovering from the events of the last two years or so and understanding how it all went wrong so it can be put right.

Facing reality

 

However I may look at it, the events of 2005 were very much where much of this whole realization of who I was and where things had began to unravel at a rate of knots came from.

 

From my early teens (so-called) I had felt pushed in to appearing to be mature not so much in behaviour which was and is still is very much less than but more by taking an interest in adult things that gave people the impression I had that sophistication that when matched by a more preppy look, allowed me to mask the real me.

 

In a lot of ways I was role playing, actually, pretending to be this urbane font of philosophical and political knowledge to the point of studying subjects around it because it seemed to gave me a place the grown up world could accept to the point I joined their organizations and adapted of sorts to their structures.

 

In time that would lead me to being directly involved in current affairs, even taking a central role within one organization so while other aspects of my life were not going so well on the face of it this seemed okay.

 

What started off as a great idea turned very much into a monster very quickly because in all of this, the masking lead me to ignore who I was and the very thing that I was discourage from accepting, that I lacked the one necessary thing to do it: An adult sense of self

 

Chunks of what ended up as a severe nervous breakdown were rooted in areas such as being given roles to perform by people while wanting them to be filled and to be seen as an authority of fulfilling them  but without their own involvement. 

 

Critical meetings were missed due to too many other events and having no proper cover, not only had they not been attended and from that having lost our say, when I did attend I was left to defend why when we said someone was, nobody did.

 

The bigger thing in all this was for all that outward sophistication, I lacked the abilities of a adult to cope emotionally in this environment, not having the resilience, I struggled to read agendas with notes and follow meetings and could not relate to the others as adults simply because I wasn't one. I might as well as been a 13 year old in debating society, looking for the adults to oversee it.

 

It didn't take long before I was on leave because my nerves had gone, I struggled to get through a day even at work without crying and if I did attend a meeting I just froze over like an ice block.

 

That's when it really hit home about being me.

 

I AM A CHILD WHO'S AGE IS JUST OLDER BY THE CALENDAR, THAT'S ALL.

 

This was the point here I had to slowly put away that masked version and learn to live again as the child I am rediscovering play, dressing and acting more like my real younger self, finding out more about others who do similar things.