Downstairs girl

One first thing to say about this last week has been for a variety of reasons some routines have been different not that I'm kinda ocd over routine although I do benefit from some structure in my life which is why this post has been typed today when otherwise I'd of been busy.

The last few posts have been about interests of mine as I'm not exactly a one dimensional adult little girl by a long shot and things I had and enjoyed from my birthday rather than personal posts so I thought this last one of March would be different.

Birthdays do bring back memories not least around Mom and that's a part of what I'm looking back at this week.

Shared life is often a compromise whither you live as a couple or as individuals who maybe share a property and also this can and usually does cross over to relations with parents, relatives and so on. 

You may sense that some parts of your life not least for a good number of us being  a 'little' come under the heading things you can't share or be otherwise open with although there's nothing remotely shameful in it.

This is particularly so if like me you're also coming at this as being Tg too with a number of inter family issues around my being so following my greater involvement around alg activities I had been wondering more around working through this with Mommy.

We did manage to evolve to a point where it's finally okay to present as alg downstairs at night where just both of us are in (Grumpy has his own space upstairs he resides in then) as I feel fit, and she feels comfortable engaging with me sat in the front room being the same me as before for an hour or so. 

We did starting to bond better, I can openly call her Mommy - indeed even addressed birthday her card as that - which is helping both of us work through this having had our difficulties in the past around gender based issues.

Another issue is  the site Sp@nking Needs,a site for adults who feel the need for and those who did perform said services has ceased to be.

I joined in 2014 as it had a less fet1shly, more thoughtful feel to it that made it a great place to talk about those needs and some of my disciplinary issues that required some treatment which in time they did get.

It's a great pity such great sites seem to be going in an age of social media and ever shifting regulations as it was really safe.

bb

Personal growth

It's kind funny how it is change and permanency crop in in differing forms when it is we think about aspects of our lives such as what may matter the most or the direction a hobby or interest may take.
Some people may put a great store on things being the same then, now and even in the future living around patterns from the past and equally we can all think of people who never really seem settled, forever swapping and changing things at whim, sometimes to the consternation of those closest to them.
Sometimes you may feel things changing but hear the siren calls of those who just loved you and what you do begging you not to change, that you and what you do is all that you are and to embark on journey be it personal or in developing your skills would lose you your own qualities while others still may wish to take you down routes you might not feel sure over.
To grow and to adapt either as a person or in your interests to me seems on the face of it a healthy thing as that would imply you are learning and exploring more of what interests and fascinates you.
I know and sometimes it feels at certain sites as if I'm forever on about, I am changing, learning  to do and live with greater expectations of doing things to those I'm been familiar with far a long time which hasn't been easy.
It would of been easy to given the matters that came to a head last year to had done nothing, in effect deciding to have stayed in rut which may have been a dead for end for me but a comfortable one but instead pursued on that was and has been painful at times but has ultimately been more benefit to me. Sometimes it's the courage to change that we need.

Being Middle me

Just getting down to a spot of work here today before lunch and I'm going to write something about one of things we've touched on a couple of times in chat and occasionally elsewhere.

Everybody's lives not least their Middle or Little lives is different and that might be because of things like having a partner (or not) or how it is your middle or little side comes out and how that is balanced with your big side.

Indeed search this blog and you'll find I've written a few pieces around how we do that and the 'real world' challenges in dealing with it not least when it comes to being in the workplace.

Perhaps to a greater extent  than a good number of  us and within  'our group', my sense of middleness arises less than 'age playing' or even a relatively straightforward regression in a play situation than living with real life conditions that mean I'm in middle/little headspace most of the time and not by choice although as those of you who know me understand I don't have any time for regrets. 

For all that lead to those conditions, I enjoy being the person I am, limitations and all.

Those limitations are however just that, and without being hypercritical were not things that I've had much help in either dealing with or helping me make the most of  my reduced abilities at necessarily.

That does lead to area of my live that does differ than many although I can see some crossovers in the more mainstream ddlg world which is I have person who works with me on the things I have difficulty with such as staying focused on  a task, getting started on and working through the things I need to get done rather than just going with what's fun, dealing with stressful situations and some behavioural tracts amongst other things.

They recognize and work with me as that Middle with little side providing more the kind of loving care, support and structured environment that also is quite strict to help me be more productive and adopt better habits as that Middle.

In a very real way then, being and presenting as the adult schoolgirl I am ties in with this sense of having a caretaker/daddy-like figure in my life with me as that 'child'.

While he'd be the first to say the improvements in my life since his involvement in it come from my preparedness to work with him, to accept his authority (by agreement) working through it and accepting any discipline that may be needed at times, it's that support and guidance he's shown me that helped me turn a few corners so far to the point as I explained on Tuesday I did really well with my Homework (another thing that helps me focus on sticking to agreements, following schedules and working hard) which was a first for me given I've always sucked big time in the past with it.

 And that working with who I am, a Middle, in a more Middles setting can help me so much in those situations I can't help avoid having to deal with the big world by helping me to be more responsible and learning more self discipline, not that removes all the problems but helps me feel more able to deal with things and be a bit more independent.

For me then Middles life and the ddlg dynamic go beyond pure lifestyle not that there's anything wrong with that but are an important part of helping me make the most of my life being fulfilled, able to take a bit more care of myself and handling responsibility better.

It may not qualify for the strict criteria around the term 'Therapy'  but for me this life is therapeutic. 

Coping with change

This was an unexpected randomly thought out blog entry that came crashing to me this afternoon so do bear with any typos or quirkier than usual grammar.

 
So it's hardly a surprise we become accustomed to the idea that everything will remain 'just so' which to be honest is one thing I sure loved when I was younger, the whole certainty with its sense of well-being from repeating that pattern week after week.

 
Every so often though, something comes along and knocks it over. You feel lost if not numb and bewildered too as it seemed to going along so well.
It is okay to feel that way, sad things happen, we hurt and a good number of us are hurting right now. 

 
I can't speak for all of you but things often seem to go in cycles and my last lot of cycles have seen me  do different things, learn and improve on skills that I've struggled with, form new and more helpful friendships and understand more about myself and others too.

 
All those things can and are helping me deal with this because they've given not only ears to listen and understand how I may feel but also the strength to carry on when I just feel like lying there crying (and I know that feeling so well).

 
You know, those we miss so much would never of wanted us to stay like that forever and you might imagine this friendly nudge coming out urging you on, reminding you can start again, even if we find it hard.

 
Personally, I feel it's helpful to think about those things that I have reason to be thankful for over the years from the situations that just appeared from nowhere and to which I had no real plan for. 

 
Just thinking about it, my life has changed quite a lot in the last ten years for the better and much of that isn't down to some super medical recovery on my part but more because I've been working on dealing with more how it's handed out to me, making the most of it smiling even through some of the Meh moments.

 
It is easy to get into a cycle of beating yourself up when things aren't going to plan, thinking we are useless (been there and done it) or feeling guilty over things that maybe we didn't have that much of a say over but I'm going to try to get on with life the best I can from now on.

 
That's a much of lesson from my childhood that I can use today and maybe it's of some use to you.

Progress four years on

The week sees me looking back a bit to four and a bit years ago where I was experimenting and I had help with people pushing some of my boundaries to find rather me of the real me between the bits that I'll be honest can be lazy and disrespectful and just being a mindless people pleaser, losing sight of really who you are.

I found circumstance and situation appropriateness permitting Wearing shorter skirts really suited me and indeed I could alter it to a slightly more grown up look, gaining more inner confidence to let myself out.

Sometimes it feels I've been hiding for like eons in the potato sack, desperately avoiding being noticed.

Although light pollution is a thing here being in a city area, I do enjoy watching the night sky, spotting planets and following comets.