Reflections on the week

 Well we are back although the journey certainly tried my patience with diversion, road closure and resurfacing signs coupled with incidents doubling the time it took to get home from littles camp.

It's a sign that this thing has actually worked that I was able to zone out, letting it pass over me without going into a meltdown or swearing quite badly, keeping calm even when the car driver was starting to get quite agitated.

The other thing was I was able find a way though the politics of presentation as one or two have some rather trenchant ideas about how littles should dress and unlike them I accept the changes today have a good number of things that are better when it comes to gender roles and how we dress.

So I found ways of being more "girlie" when I felt like it that weren't so stereotypical and stood my ground where an activity simply wasn't going to work for me in a respectful way, doing all I could to help out.

That again used to be a bit problematic mainly because few said exactly what and when they really needed a hand and I'm used to more direct "I could use some help" statements rather than mind reading, bobbing up all the time with offers that would be met by counter offers.

I'd say I did good this time.

We have yet more to say

Hello there peoples we'd like to say a few things this today after making our appearance several years ago when things were different.

 Maisie talking here about the strange creature that lives here too called The Grump.

The grump has that name as it walks about with a loud thud, thud, thud  along the carpets and up the stairs at all hours of the day with really bizarre stories of dreamscapes or tales og things that woked him up.

Trouble is that wakes up everybody else.

Millie Bear here, He also has these odd ideas like he's dead untidy, never cleaning as he does things leaving bits of food here, bits of furry stuff there, testing strips and humongous piles of assorted letters and magazines complaining about giving the house a quick clean every week or possibly once.

It mutters if the slightest comic of owner is left out and yet she spends her time literally on her knees scrubbing the carpet, struggling to get back up removing mud and other thigs he's trod into the carpet

I know she saw this as drawn by TheLatestKate on Tumblr the other day and really that's the thing she know expected to do like don't  give up, don't think cos she struggles with her difficulties she can't try to do thing, putting up  with that Grump figure and just give things the best shot she can.
Do try to help her.

Regards Simba, Maisie and Millie

May study weekend

I don't actually know where to put myself today as the weekends events have left me feeling very different about me (and some of this will go elsewhere), what I can do and really about my life so far in.

As well all know, the one big difference this year with the exception of days when I am truly too unwell to work or away on meets such as Camp, my weekends  are taken up with something deliberately challenging.

Two days of concentrated study where I pretty much have to work on just that, sat at a desk, in uniform with no distractions working from the study guides with just fixed recess periods with no dawdling, back chat or refusing to start being accepted.

Really.

This weekend has seen me work on my English looking at how people who write stories try to draw you into the character, getting you to think you were involved and learning how to compare and contrast different texts on the same subject by style, language, use of humour and summarize any differences effectively.

I had set questions to answer on it and I managed 90%.

Concentration is my main thing, I'm awful at it, often leap frogging from task to task often more around what I find interesting rather than what needs to be done and thinking about how  might get the thing finished.

Some days tend to be better compared to others but that's one of my problems apart from just forgetting tons and tons of things within minutes of been told that.

Perhaps getting back to more of this straightaway rather than leaving it a day or so and plenty of practise at making my own strategies for getting stuff done would help a lot more?

Are we still standing?

It really didn't matter how you got to be you, any background story you might of had and how far along that road you've travelled these years you changed and yet other bits of you remain.

And really that's a-okay as nature is really just the same when you think about it.

If something just isn't fitting in right you can change that but you certainly don't need to change everything or create a whole new persona.

Confidence and true motives

 

While the country adapts to this weeks political changes I'm going with a different  topic altogether.

One thing that causes many of us problems is the lack of confidence in ourselves which may be around active steps we take or just what we draw from other peoples reactions  that may have little really to do with what we've done.

Many of us can recall that advice we got, often from mothers or grans to try to be friendly and be nice around people around us no matter what they may say or do and yet it seems we are ignored or misjudged.

We may think it's about how we ourselves present or somehow we don't cut it in the looks department but is it that?

The more times around the sun I travel, the more I feel this is often with the person themselves, how nothing and nobody ever meets their expectations and our kindness isn't seemingly enough however hard we try.

While not falling into the trap of overvaluing ourselves, perhaps instead we should stop expecting others to notice but just try to be our best selves more for acting right for pure reasons is better standard rather than kickbacks?

Problem solving

Sometimes it can seem as if everyone who seems to achieve seems to be following some guru's guide or other that focuses more on having carefully thought out strategies for dealing with those life skill issues some of struggle with.

I'm a great fan of The Latest Kate's inspirational art and in this she addresses a fundamental truth which is you don't actually need that approach to having it right at the outset.
Many of us find we're programmed more to pick at it a bit at time as we go along and that often gets us to where we want to be.
It all doesn't have all appear before our eyes in one flash of inspiration.

The disabled week

It's two weeks this Friday so today I'm making a second day in the week post which is as well as I have been very busy this week.

One thing I have been doing is working on copying using the dbPoweramp program from Illustrate, a number  of cds to the micro sd cards used by new music player that I hadn't gotten around to so for example I have a complete set of Adele's cds and studio recordings by Genesis stored with a full set of original album art.
I think the bigger thing though is I have been getting more to grips with feeling at one with who I am, not least the way those disabilities make me and my life the way it is given much of the way encouraged when I was younger amounted to throwing a cloak over the myriad of ways everyday life is effected as if it was separate, embarrassing thing.
What passed as coping strategies encouraged amounted to an denial externally for the benefit of those who didn't want anything outside of a brave doing so well for all that girl script for me and internally not taking ownership of how my disabilities had left me and the things I need to do that are different  to manage them as part of living, part of the life skills that never happened.
Things such as reconciling the acceptance of how your life is impacted with the kind of attitude that makes a life even if it involves more support  and oversight being less of a daily chore and more about living.   Something then that's neither about denial or self limiting opportunities, having abilities mixed in that can be used while accepting the disabilities that cannot be ignored.
Much of that is something I've had to do as part of periodic reassessment of my Capability Of Work (WCA 50) for my Employment and Support Allowance income benefit claim answering a barrage of questions although last time they just saw my medical evidence and awarded it at top rate.
I'd like to end this entry by thanking my BFF Lucy for her support and encouragement over this period.
x

Chores for Middles and littles

Today I thought I would give some thought to things a little or middle either in relationship or living with someone even on occasional basis can be encouraged to do for themselves
Own area
Making own bed
Getting clothes out for the next day
Hanging up own clothes neatly after wearing/washing
Making sure worn clothes are available for washing
Keeping own spaces tidy

Helping in the home 
Fixing own breakfast
Setting tables with cutlery, mats, glasses and cold refreshing drink
Clearing away and washing up afterward
Tidying away in other spaces after you
Helping with vacuuming
Feeding pets

Sometimes it can be easy to drift into a pattern where other people may not expect you to do (or be able to do)  these things which doesn't help you either with trying be more responsible and independent and may in a low key nagging way begin to undermine a relationship.
It also is the case that within reason, people shouldn't try to do that too, even if you  as a little or middle have a disability or two regardless of like a  number of folk  you may not of had to do much if any of these things in past yourself.

Exploring together

I wasn't too good over the last two days although I got up okay, messaging PB and getting the last mammoth blog entry published with links at all the usual spots to make it easier to people to follow it. Shortly afterward I felt a migraine coming rather quickly so I quickly got my tablets out a jug full of water with glass, closed the curtains and went bed.

 It wouldn't be me in the midst of all that to be thinking of other things, I mean it's so funny but sometimes I'm more together when it comes to thinking ideas up when I'm  like that than any other time.
One is how many times we hear of people who do something a little outside of the mainstream such as follow a dress style and wear it, have aspects of our lives that others may not be so keen on such as your gender identity, sexuality and being a little and so on who struggle to have people they feel they can be open with as friends. And this in age of forums, emails and social media.
Sometimes it may be that the individual has difficulties forming and holding down personal relationships which may not be helped if others are way too quick to judge elementary mistakes but life if you appear not to be able to learn from them can be hard.
Sometimes groups have very much a "My way is the only highway" approach, setting very exacting positions people are at least to go along with if not openly endorse which at times is so ironical being in mind the reason for  existence of some groups is the very excludedness those people felt from others they project themselves.
To  me it seems in order to progress we need to be open to difference, able to tolerate difference and understand  the expression of differing views often leads to more informed thoughts and decisions.
If we find understanding something hard - and it genuinely can be -  we need to be prepared to  work with someone who will explain it and engage with them changing what we are doing if it isn't helping us.
We also need to learn to hold hands more with the people who can helps us explore and grow as people which may include learning more about some of things that unite us but may not be part of other peoples lives.
If you're a little/middle you need to find those spaces you can let this side of you out openly without the distractions of regular adult stuff going on.

Weekend lessons

Well after that weekend off studying and not the previous weekend being able to write you know what happens: Resumption of studying this weekend tackling the outstanding English work taking our time so I don't over do things but equally I am not allowed  to get away with not doing the things I can do.

 This last two weeks has seen me work on symmetry and shapes in Math and punctuation together with how to write interesting sentences so they hold the attention of reader not sounding very samey.
The last week I got 90% in the math unit and 87% for the english which doesn't surprise me as I do struggle thinking of different ways of expressing the same idea and the notion of active sentences is not something I'm familiar with.
My ability or at least how I feel about expressing myself does impact on my poor self confidence, often feeling unsure about if people are following what I'm saying and what if they get all wrong?
Between things, I wrote a short story for and about a group of friends in the way I one would of been 2013 here around a fictitious school and an incident in the day of the life a group of boarding school children.
At least one person was quite impressed with the sentence structure and language used in telling the story so there's a direct practical application of the formal lessons I have been learning this last six months.
The more informal side of this experience deserves some comment.
 It's always been easier to sit around not doing things either expecting an exemption, or because those who might of expected anyone else to  seem to think I shouldn't to the point they never really saw what I could do because they never had me try it.
So for a very long time my default was to do nothing and in so far anything like studying went  if it wasn't going to be easy then plenty of people would just let me do next to nothing even while it may of hard going, I could of done something more.
That's really thing that is changing both with the studying having to do things I find hard, coping with flare ups of some of my conditions which consideration is given to and even being with people where I am expected to help out, contributing in kind that people are helping me turn around those old habits.
Thinking over how I have dealt with my recent paw problems plus my more recent visits staying with people underscores this so much and I'd like to thank everyone who has and is helping me move on cos it's time I did.

Pay attention Jo (yet another study weekend)

This was typed between bit of spare time this weekend where it was bright and sunny although not exactly warm here not that it stops his Gingerness from being out for hours at a time.

"Cheer up, Girls, it can't surely be that bad" is the thought that enters my mind looking at that picture and the desks we sat at one by one until my secondary education were similar for those of us brought up with rote learning and the notion the teacher delivering the lesson to the class.
This weekend I've been studying  with an English practice on an extract from Oscar Wilde's The Picture  of Dorian Gray which was more about how to answer questions long answers where there is not a clue in the question as the what in the extract you need to look at and where necessary quote from.
Not wishing to sound like I'm on repeat, but my reading age is barely in double digits so reading it for the gest of the story was very hard going but I managed 90% in this.
The other part of the study is my favourite subject  -NOT- Math looking at working out Areas, Circumferences, Diameters and Radius using formulas for squares, circles, rectangles and triangles (right angled and others) in addition to learning about Solids and Nets which involves having to use ordinary math.
Although part of the formula wasn't properly explained so I had to work it out for myself, I did actually get 100% on this unit which is pretty amazing.
I'd like to thank Papa Bear for his supporting me, he's a lovely, firm but fair guy who believes in me probably more I've done in the  past to be honest and everyone else who does helping me grow.

Final January study weekend

If you looked around of Friday and nothing seemed to have changed, that's okay cos I didn't make a optional late week entry.

Anyway, this Saturday saw me working at English looking at different styles of writing, formal and informal, the sort of language, sentence structure and introductions, concluding paragraphs and the way you sign letters.
Writing I learned can be about many things thing, such as stories, essays, informing, explaining ,advising and persuading people by argument and how each has their own needs to be effective.
As well, I learned about the importance of planning what you write, setting the topic, the points or when it comes to stories, the plot, seeing it through to a conclusion that leads to the reader understanding fully what you were saying.
It's very tempting to just plow on with an idea very much as it comes to you without really making sure at the end you've fully covered everything that's relevant to it and while it's possible in the age of the text writing program to change things, it's still more time consuming to rework everything compared to just setting down and making a plan.
Structuring matters especially to ending a piece of writing, which has never been my strong point as while I did lean how to write a decent business letter at college a good number of years back, everything we did was very business orientated including how to compose telegrams.
The other area of English I did was around Reading, looking at descriptions and how authors compare and contrast characters answering questions on extracts including quoting to back up the points in my answers.
I got 100% in one test and 70% in the second, which for someone with my disabilities is pretty good going.
On Sunday because I'm better now, I had math work to get on with such as looking at using and calculating Ratios, working out Units and Money (the making sense of that I really struggle with in shops).
That sort of thing can help if you're trying to figure what's the best offer in the shops, what the total cost of things are and how much change should have cos as embarrassing as it is it's all stuff that adds to the other aspects of being out, shopping emotionally that soon takes me into very negative oppositional behaviour.
In addition I have Long Multiplication and Division to work at which I struggle with, being warned of consequences if I flat out refuse to try get to grips with them cos I'm like that at times.
I did the tests on this and I got them all right just using paw, pencil and paper.
My BFF suggested trying a Times Table cd to help me learn my Times Tables as I struggle with them so I got one, copied it and it lives on a portable player so I can both learn and keep them them fresh in my head.
Knowing my times tables helped me especially with long division  which I think was the big problem at school - taking to take me to more advanced work without really grasping the basic things - so I just dug my heels in.
Thanks to everyone not least my BFF for supporting me checking in across the two days.
Lucy, you're a star!

Post 600

I mentioned  a short while back at various places we were approaching the 600th post of this blog which by coincidence was just over a year and a week back and I was thinking about doing something a bit special.
Well other things intervened altering the posts between as well as the frequency a bit for good measure not least being very unwell recently and during that period I thought about some of things and people that matter  the most to me.
The first thing is there's a person who I've only known for a few years and due to distance I only see from time to time who in their own way has been such a inspiration and source of reassurance at times even though they themselves have had their own difficulties some of which we do have in common.
They've encouraged me to be more open about myself, who I am, what interests me with other people, to feel comfortable doing arts stuff like drawing which I've always had hang ups with just for the fun of it and above all just accepts me as I am.
The year has been hard for us both following the death of our (and probably for a good number of you, yours too) close friend where we've both been supporting each other  and both of us have been supported by others which has been a great source of comfort.
You're a star.
Then there are other people such as those that have given me a home from home where I can just relax with my mind free from some of the stuff that gets on top of me here, enjoying a meal and like minded company together.
Which if on it's own is something I'd be thankful for but you go much further than that, you look after me, not in a super fussy way but more an observing the scene and responding way, knowing that if I'm giving signs of been tired (and I tire easy) you'll get me to where I need to be, bed, in  suitably child-like way that leaves me feeling relaxed and very little.
Then there people who help me deal with some of baggage from the past because a number of my responses to situations has tripped me up, not just say from not doing something important but also making it harder for me  fit in cos I do things that can conflict with everyday norms, a good number of which I never really learned and was never expected to take any account of.
Sometimes because of some very bad encounters I had, I'd disengage first to avoid situations that had distressed me rather than mastering them.
Instead you've had higher expectations starting from the outset that I was to at least try to do what everyone else was expected to even if I needed a close eye on me and when I didn't you were prepared to follow through with appropriate child-like discipline to help me change.
A lot of people in a way gave up on me thinking I couldn't be given a second shot at getting this right but they didn't. Rather than feeling I could only mess up, they helped me replace it with a feeling I could get it right and if I messed up once, the by learning the right lesson, I get it right the next time.
For once I started to begin to look forward to social encounters knowing I'd be helped by firm, loving and caring people to handle them so I could enjoy my time with people more (and hopefully they'd feel the same).
And that does wonders for my self confidence.
In so many ways then  these things are the things that matter and have mattered so much to me over the last 100 odd posts here, the gifts that are priceless and to whom I am most thankful for.
**Thank You**

Personal growth

It's kind funny how it is change and permanency crop in in differing forms when it is we think about aspects of our lives such as what may matter the most or the direction a hobby or interest may take.
Some people may put a great store on things being the same then, now and even in the future living around patterns from the past and equally we can all think of people who never really seem settled, forever swapping and changing things at whim, sometimes to the consternation of those closest to them.
Sometimes you may feel things changing but hear the siren calls of those who just loved you and what you do begging you not to change, that you and what you do is all that you are and to embark on journey be it personal or in developing your skills would lose you your own qualities while others still may wish to take you down routes you might not feel sure over.
To grow and to adapt either as a person or in your interests to me seems on the face of it a healthy thing as that would imply you are learning and exploring more of what interests and fascinates you.
I know and sometimes it feels at certain sites as if I'm forever on about, I am changing, learning  to do and live with greater expectations of doing things to those I'm been familiar with far a long time which hasn't been easy.
It would of been easy to given the matters that came to a head last year to had done nothing, in effect deciding to have stayed in rut which may have been a dead for end for me but a comfortable one but instead pursued on that was and has been painful at times but has ultimately been more benefit to me. Sometimes it's the courage to change that we need.

Being Middle me

Just getting down to a spot of work here today before lunch and I'm going to write something about one of things we've touched on a couple of times in chat and occasionally elsewhere.

Everybody's lives not least their Middle or Little lives is different and that might be because of things like having a partner (or not) or how it is your middle or little side comes out and how that is balanced with your big side.

Indeed search this blog and you'll find I've written a few pieces around how we do that and the 'real world' challenges in dealing with it not least when it comes to being in the workplace.

Perhaps to a greater extent  than a good number of  us and within  'our group', my sense of middleness arises less than 'age playing' or even a relatively straightforward regression in a play situation than living with real life conditions that mean I'm in middle/little headspace most of the time and not by choice although as those of you who know me understand I don't have any time for regrets. 

For all that lead to those conditions, I enjoy being the person I am, limitations and all.

Those limitations are however just that, and without being hypercritical were not things that I've had much help in either dealing with or helping me make the most of  my reduced abilities at necessarily.

That does lead to area of my live that does differ than many although I can see some crossovers in the more mainstream ddlg world which is I have person who works with me on the things I have difficulty with such as staying focused on  a task, getting started on and working through the things I need to get done rather than just going with what's fun, dealing with stressful situations and some behavioural tracts amongst other things.

They recognize and work with me as that Middle with little side providing more the kind of loving care, support and structured environment that also is quite strict to help me be more productive and adopt better habits as that Middle.

In a very real way then, being and presenting as the adult schoolgirl I am ties in with this sense of having a caretaker/daddy-like figure in my life with me as that 'child'.

While he'd be the first to say the improvements in my life since his involvement in it come from my preparedness to work with him, to accept his authority (by agreement) working through it and accepting any discipline that may be needed at times, it's that support and guidance he's shown me that helped me turn a few corners so far to the point as I explained on Tuesday I did really well with my Homework (another thing that helps me focus on sticking to agreements, following schedules and working hard) which was a first for me given I've always sucked big time in the past with it.

 And that working with who I am, a Middle, in a more Middles setting can help me so much in those situations I can't help avoid having to deal with the big world by helping me to be more responsible and learning more self discipline, not that removes all the problems but helps me feel more able to deal with things and be a bit more independent.

For me then Middles life and the ddlg dynamic go beyond pure lifestyle not that there's anything wrong with that but are an important part of helping me make the most of my life being fulfilled, able to take a bit more care of myself and handling responsibility better.

It may not qualify for the strict criteria around the term 'Therapy'  but for me this life is therapeutic. 

Going forward

Not long before next weeks big event here so here's the post before the last which in some ways at least is connected .

 I recently saw this motivational piece of art a few weeks back and I feel it's kind of apt really not least with me, working with one person to assist me and having a bit to do with others who are working on things that hold us back be it unhelpful attitudes, perhaps learning the 'wrong' lessons from our past experiences or struggling with organizing life.
 Sometimes it's easy to go with easy, to think that the only things to do are just fun things and rely perhaps more than is good for you on others, ignoring the things that others may have gotten their heads around.
But it's never a all or nothing situation as being 'on the move' puts you ahead of those who aren't and as hard as the last two months have been for me making changes, living with rather more accountability than I'm used to, I am making progress which makes it all worthwhile, not least feeling calm enough to do things that have bad memories for me.
Thanks.

Away edition

Making hay when the sun shines isn't literally where I am right now as it's not that season although there's a working farm near us actually but is rather more a part of a way of life with my difficulties I subscribe to.
To me as difficult as things are, what matters is the experiences you have, the memories you make using the times you are better because they sustain you through the patches that are not so good.
You also learn to master your abilities and develop new skills which is why time away is so important for me beyond just company and no doubt I'll be having fun, doing different stuff today.