What is a Girl?

I noticed more by accident the other week, something I talked about several years back was being discussed at a site with links back here so thought I'd write something about about it here a few years on.

Being a girl is...being how her feels in you, as it comes out of your own feelings as expressed by you in dress, interests and play.

In so far as being an adult little girl goes, it doesn't matter if you're in a relationship or not, if you have a sexual side in your life or the extent to which you are able to let this side of your life out at home or around your local area.

Being either transgendered or gender fluid/variant and of any and no sexuality does not make a  difference  to being and your ability to let the adult little girl you feel out so long as ...you feel Her in you.

There is no one model you have to confirm to.

You may prefer to dress more like a younger child or 'Baby' , a young child which may be dresses, dungerees or shorts or more Middlish looking Tween or young teen.

You might do more party or school type attire if that's you (I like sitting behind a desk in school attire doing exercises) depending on circumstances such as the ability to spend time with a few others.

You may have a Caregiver in your life. 

It really doesn't matter as little girl you is...You.

Some people do find their younger side may have a different gender presentation to their "Big" which may seem odd (and kinda threw me a few years back to be honest) but actually it's okay.

If that's you then please come presenting as that  Little Girl for the period - a little consistency during play helps - bring something with you and you know we'll share teddies, dollies and play even if your "Big" presents as male.

Those of us who aren't super frilly won't kill you if your presentation  goes out that way.
The only thing we aren't so keen on is people who take being a female, especially a little girl and project an overriding sexual side to it (We appreciate Adults often have a sexual side but that stay's in the bedroom and never at little girl playtime!).

It was my experiences elsewhere with "sissies" who tended to push a very full on sexual side linking femininity with subservience, ritual humiliation, who also by clearly linking being a girl as an insult, insulted our sense of being,  co-opting part of our identity for that whole "humiliated as a girl" thing rather than them being a girl if frankly they rather liked it even in short doses or enjoying their maleness if that was them, that troubled me.

That Boarding School Girl gets a Tumblr!

I have been busy this week and no doubt will be be into the week after with a project that was half realized earlier last week until I decided it wasn't radical enough.

Anyone who knew me especially at Fur Affinity or heck face to face knows just how mixed my feelings are around social media and Tumblr as it applies to me having been through a number of sites in over ten years.
What I don't like about contemporary social media is the tendency for it to be an echo chamber of right on usually left-leaning views that discount many things are actually beyond settled even by academics and other "experts" in those fields.
This often moves into areas where groups disallow alternative views however respectfully expressed because they make others uncomfortable and to placate this sites have rules that also block whole views not merely hateful speech, incitement to commit assaults, terror related acts or harass.
Other issues abound one being Tumblrs change in Terms of Service last year that left swaves of people who wanted to share and discuss topics either removed outright or facing an often inaccurate flagged image like that of a boy scout reading a comic annual full clothed with the account shut into NFSW in seconds as "protection".
Those changes also prevent me from publishing a link to this blog where ironically I can't at 'adult sites' too cos surprise surprise they don't like talking about anything connected to childhood
It's like your too adult for Tumblr but not sufficiently adult for "adult content" spots.
Anyway I did mention changing the avatar at my other Tumblr whose long history I'll spare people but it's enough to say the main difference between that and my more mainstream age regression community is that on outset following on from two successors and a more Sfw Caregiver/little one I had up to January 2016 was talk about and pictures of school uniforms in the context of regression to being a school age child studying and limited talk and tame images connected to spanking which is part behaviour management and part regressive, being a non sexual part of actual childhood I am comfortable with in legally adult life being administered as part of the whole Age Regression package.
One reason to change was Tumblrs rule changes drive a a carthorse right through the latter, wiping tame images, communities and so on and secondly it removed the barrier to having in effect a sfw age regression tumblr that had school uniform talk targeted at over 18's from being a secondary of the main one as all contentious content was banned anyway so provided there was no linkage it would work.
Conceptually it ties in with my That Boarding School Girl blog on Blogger having that bit more maturity about it which had a lot to do with naming it. 
Thus I decided to bit the bullet remaking and rebuilding in places the Tumblr to focus yes on that age regression but free from the hysterics sometimes found in communities with chunks of under 18's, still have the uniform talk but short of the briefest possible mention on the about page nothing around spanking.
Instead I decided to focus more on things around personal development and youth movements from childhood that run through part of my age regression what you might call the Second Chance School to move on within limits.
Again those of you who have met me know how much moving on and "self improvement" always have been and are core things about me so I thought that could belong in their that helps differentiate the mainstream CGLRE on and the non com for over 18's version.
That's what I've been doing and that's fine
Link: That Boarding School Girl

Everything changes

It was a shock to some to realize Hello Kitty wasn't actually a cat but rather a girl and an English one at that but that did not mean she wasn't real or a genuine personality but that kind of thing can run on in everyday relationships too where people may not who we first think we see them as.
Such things don't deserve the cry of "Fake, fake, fake" you find on social media followed by a witch hunt and even if you did see them as they are right first time doesn't mean they like you may change over time especially over politics or identity issues digging around to find contrasting posts.
It's just evolution really.
That's one thing I'll be keeping in mind while I'm away this week at Susan's funeral which I'll be off to later on today.
Another thing is what might of seemed at the time a major issue may over time correct itself to the point you might restore a friendship or resume on a site after a major hiatus which was the case this last week where drama at one site lead to the removal of senior people who in turn set up a newer site a number of us thought safer emotionally which had to simultaneously to a situation that new site was losing money and activity to the point of closure in early June and the original site changing to be more inclusive with many of people we felt uncomfortable with away from the driving seat.
I've made my peace with how the original site is and have picked up from where I left now which I guess is a sign of having a more maturer outlook and being prepared to let past discourse go.
Until next week, bye. 

A year this week

This week marks the first anniversary of an incident that occurred a year ago, over December 7/8th last year to be exact that had a significant emotional impact on me apart from drawing some lessons from that for a number of reasons I had not been able to openly talk about which is why there mentioned here and not on either 'main' blogs.
I think we are are all familiar with social media and although I don't do things like Facebook and skipped the My Space phase entirely I did do briefly Experience Project and after a few prompts from some Lolita associates, I decided to do Tumblr starting with a a fairly regular sfw cg/l come Littlespace one adding a more 18+ cglish one as cg/l and some regressed discipline based spanking one on totally separate accounts.
This was the period 2015/6 where the whole question of under 18's and Cg/l, the emerging Tumblr Age Regression communities were forming as that side in some folks Cg/l relationships seemed to be what they were looking for and yes, being Tumblr we had bitter discourse (and a fair few threats).
The start point for how the incident occurred stems from a error born of what seemed to be a quick and easy way to deal with how a DMCA takedown lead to the 18+ Cgl-ish account being terminated by Tumblr where I decided to remake it in a more toned down form as a Secondary tumblr on the first one's account.
The short outline of that for non tumblr people is you don't have separate  following lists for each and while people can follow each Tumblr separately, when posting the default is your main and you have to toggle down to your secondary tumble when posting OR reblogging.
At that point my primary account didn't belong to any group or community because all that was to come around mid 2016 and so it was a sfw Cg/l account that provided you minded what you posted such as nothing sexual  on it  then that was it.
To save creating another Tumblr email/password ID I created that new 18+Cgl account as a secondary on the back of the original account in late January 2016 where I was loosely aligned with sfw cg/l.
Part of this discourse that has been the bain of CG/l and Age Regression on Tumblr is the separation between sfw Cg/l (toys, child-like play, cute fashion and meets) and 18+ or especially nsfw Cg/l that may take in sexual acts, bdsm and potentially spanking (although that can be sfw and non sexual) in that some may only want the sfw side of caregiver/little and not welcome interaction from any people more into say bdsm or sexual stuff of a  graphic nature.
Toss in the Minors in DD/lg (and CG/l) on Tumblr controversy and you'd have to be an idiot not to see a problem around adults who may be sexual/kink and minors who are not allowed (rightly) to be sharing that space.
This on Tumblr lead to a separating out of 'pure' sfw and increasingly minor accepting Age Regression from sfw Cg/l, the formation of communities that only accepted that and what some saw then as the demonizing of all Cg/l including the sfw form that moved into prohibiting interaction from sfw Cg/l  and in some the promotion of the idea 'Littlespace' was inherently  kink because some in more 18+ and Nfsw Cg/l used the term.
By the October of 2016 war had broken out between purist Age Regressors and those who used the Caregiver/little setting in a more sfw quasi-parental way  with a alignment of some in DD/lg supporting the purists.
Into that a number of people who had either been on the sfw Cg/l end or had joined Caregiver/little Age Regression (CGL/re) felt that separation hadn't stopped the war nor the business of Kink people getting in what were now minor friendly spaces and created a new community with own lexicon purposely to avoid shared terms with all CG/l communities featuring a CareBear logo.
That started out around the second week of November (the 15th??), I was hovering around the CGL/re community although not in membership but for two weeks they had dual membership where you could belong to them AND another another either CGL/re or the more Purist (and argumentative) CHIldREgression (Chire) and I joined with a person from Chire and in the first day we actually messaged each other rather than being suspicious of each other.
To understand what was to happen we need to go back that second 18+ non sexual Tumblr that was still operating, still reblogged some non sexual  'adult schoolgirl' spanking content with me having to remember to 'toggle' to that account and although I love her to bits I reblogged my BFF's posts cos we have the same sort of regressed non-sexual  CG/l life quite a bit sometimes when I hadn't been well being up around four in the morning.
It was a term of the community I joined November 23rd that you could not interact on that Tumblr with anything DD/lg or CG/L and by that fateful December morning even CGL/re although it was unclear if it applied to the whole account and by extension post anything that would go on such an account or just that individual tumblr.
Things had gone well, I'd masked the following information so nobody could see what accounts I followed although there had been the odd near miss where I forgot to switch account and wiped the post in seconds.
Well it would of been early December 8th UK time when not getting any sleep I fired up the laptop around 4AM starting first with the main Tumblrs posts reblogging and then reblogging anything from the accounts of those who followed my second Tumblr which needless to say included some spanking posts between yawns and had finished by about twenty to six when I noticed the message indicator was on and when I looked at the posts, reviewing them I saw on of the reblogs intended for that second Tumblr had instead gone on the first so I  quickly deleted deleted it thinking nobody would up that time of the morning.
I clicked on the message thinking it might of been my Caregiver with a "And what the heck are you up this time Young Lady expecting a probable trip to LapLand tm with a paddle" when I saw the user name of the Communities Mod who had asked me to leave the Group citing that post to which I replied in the affirmative.
What I didn't count on was a highly misleading blocklist post that implied it was much worse than it was AND this wasn't the only post which was a bare faced lie.
Throughout the day the blocklist and its falsehoods were reblogged, people didn't just unfollow me they blocked me -  near enough a fifth of my followers - and what was worse was I couldn't talk to anybody about what happened and why the account the mod put up about it  who has been accused of falsehoods since was incorrect because blocking prevents messaging.
I started to pace around the house in a distraught agitated state, crying all the time feeling I'd not just really messed this up but I'd let my followers down and people would start messaging me to drive me away. I wanted to end it all.
It was horrible.
It wasn't that I knew I'd made a awful mistake and in hindsight a bigger one in making that Secondary Tumblr, it was the banishment that even went beyond that community and the lack of any kind of forgiveness and restitution, the feeling nobody cared confirmed when I put an anon post about the topic just confirmed it: one mistake and you're dead for life.
I joined another community just before Years End with a couple of things in mind, one being to find someone who was prepared to allow me work to earn my reputation back by my actions as the loss of it weighed heavily on my mind.
I also felt there they had been inconsistent as another community Mod had had quite a bit of nsfw material on theirs but HAD been allowed to move it to totally separate Tumblr and yet for one post in error I had been banished.
The community I joined had a value system that was more around respecting others as you would have others respect you when it came to any interaction that lead to less petty squabbling and 'dobbing in' others with all the anxiety and paranoia that goes with it. It would offer the benefits of belonging but less stressful.
It had easy to understand clear cut rules on posting that I thought I needed so I could learn how to post responsibly, had no issues with terms like Littles and littlespace and recover from the anxiety the whole incident caused.

I think the lessons I learned was Quick Fixes aren't always a good idea, who my real friends were and you can dust yourself off and restart so long as you do  learn from things.

This life and how it is yours

It is not for the first time that I noticed a schism across the wider community although the fact it is so  centred on Tumblr does not surprise me as ever since I joined originally in July of 2013 so the joy of seeing so many people with things in common has been heavily compromised by the sheer amount of drama between and within communities.
At the heart of it is tags and streams, the one area that makes tumblr different than say this blog because if you're anything like me you fire up your smartphone, chromebook or whatever, select Tumblr and the first thing you'll see is your stream comprising of the Tumblrs you follow, the obligatory rubbish promoted posts Yahoo added and any messages.
Tumblr isn't too fussed of itself about content so long that any blogs that is nsfw or adult are flagged and ideally if a blog is split say 99% sfw and 1% nsfw, you tag the nsfw posts as such.
Within the world of littles there has been developing a storm around two separate but partially connected things.
The first is one some of you will be aware of, under 18's interacting with adult blogs which can be safely regarded those that may feature or reference sexual acts, bondage and so on and that can include the dl of abdl.
There are two sets of concerns,  one is exposure to children of graphic material and by messaging, inappropriate contact by adults by which they are risk of serious harm by predatory adults and usually this potential contact occurs through false ages to which the best response is to report them.
The bigger more contentious question is around what I'll call littles tumblrs and under 18's.
At a more mundane level I'm what I'd call a realist in that provided a tumblr or any other kinda blog can be read without having to log into a service that *may* ask for some age verification then frankly  I know it'll be read by anyone under 18 who even if I block them will get around it by bookmarking it and signing out or reinventing their age if that's what they want. Only if I see someone is clearly under age and following a nsfw or adult blog would I act.
Only adult or nsfw blogs on tumblr are restricted to only being able to read by being logged in the so this blogs Tumblr nemesis is covered although frankly there's nothing on there than what might of been shown in some editions of pre 1988 Beano children's comic that even run a who do you want to whack competition with an image of someone with a cane pointing at a clothed bottom or the then Daily Mirror's Jane  cartoon strip when it comes to the depiction of spanking and nothing sexual.
To me, splitting that off on Tumblr make sense especially as even if you were over 18 and as a little you may not wish to see spanking images with your cornflakes!
Allied to this and in some ways something I find more troubling is the furore around non sexual littles blogs and how some littles communities are treating the people who publish them.
To recap on Tumblr's rules which are relevant so long as nothing that is adult or nsfw is published as general, then whatever is posted isn't by content breaking a rule.
If you publish a littles tumblr that say covers age regression such as plushies, dollies, cartoon characters, child-like attire and lego there is no reason why your  blog should be flagged because although you may be legally adult, there is nothing adult on there. Even mentioning Caregiver little relationships of themselves doesn't alter that.
This is where core of the  tag and labelling war on Tumblr is at.

Being a a little means in simple terms:
You 'feel' younger than your chronological years being atypical of your peers
Because of, your interests differ and *may* present more 'like a  child' in terms of attire
You may 'function' as a child
You may not be sexual necessarily although some are.
You may have or feel the need for a 'Caregiver'/Daddy/Mommy even if you do not have one
The above may not have any sexual role with you as a little
You expressly are NOT a pedophile nor is any Caregiver as you have no sexual interest in children.

It depresses me to even have darn well type that because that  is what two Tumblr communities of littles DO NOT accept.
On the one hand we have the Kink people saying all people who say  littles must be sexual because their community uses and in their opinion owns the term and all Caregivers must be sexual or at least  kink centred.
We have another interesting group, a mirror image Chire, who basically say the same and add anyone in Cg/l is automatically kink, they oppose kink and try get your super squeeky clean age regressive tumblr flagged and ban you from reblogging any of their folks Tumblrs.
(Chire apparently means Childlhood Regression and appears to be aimed those who use age regression as coping mechanism for trauma or mental illness )
That's cos they say they alone are the nonsexual age regressive community and anyone in Cg/l  who say they same is flat out lying and littlespace is inherently sexual so they send threats to you and even this morning I was sent a link to a hardcore porn blog by one just to try and 'trigger' me.

That opinion is  news to me as for as long as I've been since  past two paws worth of age I've been clearly and at times embarrassingly obviously to some younger than my peers and for period I've looked up this way way before social media came along the terms littles, caregiver etc were not owned exclusively by the bdsm community (caregiver was the term used for a person aiding usually a younger disabled adult) or any other.
For me this whole thing about being a little is that opportunity, that space to be as I am not having to pretend really grown up I can just express myself in. That space you get into when you do is littlespace and what's in there isn't inherently sexual at all.
Having a caregiver simply means you have someone who helps you when you are in that space and in dealing with any thing you may struggle with providing guidance, reassurance and if agreed as with me, discipline.
For people like me who are into non sexual regression, that's the end stop, so in a lot of respects that person is more Parental with you, treating you with the same care and same paternal instincts that a parent would of a actual child.
Frankly it's a must in my life making it more bearable, meeting my needs not least those of actual disabilities  and yet these people choose to paint a different picture on it.
I know what communities I belong in, I do not need people to define me out of spaces and I belong in Cg/l and the subset Cglre (Caregiver/little regression only) that merely signified it is nonsexual regressive caregiver little. I have no issues with people at all who have a sexual side in their relationships because they keep what is intimate to them, just that in much of same sort of way as if you had an older sibling they were going out with someone  certain stuff would never happen in view of you at home.

That 'in front of  you' I feel is the real and genuine issue on places like Tumblr so it may be as well to have separate blogs for anything that might be seen as 'adult' enabling people to choice  which they follow and can be flagged to help keep under 18's away too. I don't honestly feel there is any need to keep them away from a purely regressive Tumblr but would agree any Tumblr that was 'adult' or nsfw should mainly because of the messaging side as much as I would some concerns over content.
Obviously in so far as meets go, that's with organizers most of which would stick strictly 18 plus not least because of licensing and the risks of sexual contact with minors and any comeback from it.
The idea that Caregiver/little relationships are inherently sexual is just ridiculous.

Littleness, regresssion and age-play

As ever on Tumblr there's a battle going on between people over what being a little is and any involvement of those under 18 in it however as ever there is more heat than light being generated by the keyboard warriors with many meme's and posts being put up and commented on.
This one is quite well intentioned in trying to explain the difference between age-playing and what emotionally appropriate behaviour that comes from being in actual state of regression where your responses come from the child within and less than any kind of scripted character you play.

 I do feel they have however got Little Space actually quite wrong because that is the emotional and behavioural environment  that as  a person who has regressed you have got into - you feel and so respond as that child - and not the act of being a little.
To get into it it is true you need to regress or otherwise release that child within an adult body or if you are like me not to have developed into it fully anyway.
There are some who are trying to put in a schism between the ChIRes advocates of littleness by regression and that of Caregiver/littles who are being characterized as a part of of the more 'adult' bsdm side.
For  me the whole point in a CG/l relationship is effectively that while in that headspace the Caregiver is providing the love, nurturing and support that is the equal of a parent or guardian arising from those needs as their little you have.
It is not necessarily sexual although some may enjoy that however meeting any sexual needs may find themselves which might be only in their 'Big' side of life.
They are not so much opposites degrees in which individuals chose to live their lives making informed decisions recognizing as appropriate the issues of informed consent as the bottom line always is that as adults legally only we can consent-minors regardless of any other feelings simply cannot deemed the responsibility of others such as parent(s) or guardians.

Emotions

One of the great things about the Disney movie Inside Out was how it showed the emotions Riley experienced clearly and how that impacted on her attitude and behaviour clearly identifying them
Identifying our emotions is actually quite hard for some of us which does lead into other problem areas such as being able to tell people how we feel and also regulate them as it's as if you have two states, full on or squashed.

 *Picture source vox.com
Actually although this chart was done for the movie, it is surprisingly helpful for those of who have these problems because you can easily tell where the overlapping of base emotions  lead  as they are clearly labelled so you can better thing through for yourself what you're feeling and communicate it to significant people in your life so they understand what you're feeling being better able to guide you managing the resulting emotions and behaviour you exhibit.
Learning to manage them is important.

Thoughts on the week

My BFF, Lucy, is at her age play parents now, working part time and studying the reminder in a very child-like home setting with strict rules which are enforced.
We keep in touch a lot supporting each other as both have similar so-called real life needs to which we're getting similar support.
She wrote a Treetops story, yesterday, about a regressive school that uses traditional structures and discipline to help those of us who struggle getting life together and to be more grown up and was trying to email me without any success.
It seems I 'd allowed my mails inbox to become so full it was sending any incoming mail back to sender  which is just typical as I fall down on tasks like that so I had to apologize for that.
As well, I had some fun the other night in littles chat and one area is that I have a set "No later than" bedtime which is monitored within my relationship to PB so it's necessary to excuse myself around a suitable time and that if I'm tired then in real time then in effect I'm sent to bed early which is about ensuing I get the sleep I need and I make responsible choices when I'm unwell putting my well-being first. This is something that hasn't been the case in recent past at all as I've had very much a "cannot be missing out" impulsiveness to drive myself beyond  my real limits just for my fun and possibly others.
I'm actually glad I can just come out to them and be straight around why I leave when I do rather than making anything up.
Something else however I did decide not to mention there was a mutual friend of mine and a number of the others had contacted me around one uniform I had worn and also about about spanking me which is something that is a part of my relationship to them having spoken to them about my needs and how they are met such as having a Caregiver figure in my life who does using spanking with rewards and guidance to meet them.
It may seem odd to be able to talk freely to someone about what you are comfortable about  what you're being spanked for and how they might do it but to me it's just a everyday part of life that's not connected with anything really adult such as sex or say bondage and has rather more in common with talking with other children or say a grown up your stopping with who says "What happens to you if you do this" say break a vase or "How are you disciplined at home?" to which you are expected to answer straightaway and truthfully.
That's hardly surprising as in my middle/little form it is just a run on of those exact same situations and I am very glad they are as parent-like figures in my life  giving me the guidance and, when they feel it's appropriate, the spanking I need to help me in being accountable and learning to do more in the home.

Summer LG Camp extras

My main blog entry  Summer LG Camp 2016 covers the major account of my six days  including Summer 2016 LG Camp  that I attended such as activities that I was involved in and so on but this is more the reflections on the experience as I experienced it emotionally.
As an adult little girl who is more on the Middle side for me this whole thing is rather like the Caregiver/little side of things in that it is a space to allow the child-like me out to play and interact as if I was an actual child at a emotional age appropriate level for me, the one impacted significantly by my developmental/learning disabilities that in so many ways I function ordinarary and with no choice at that level.
It's hardly age-play, I mean I didn't choose it, it just the hand I was given and it's a matter of learning to make the most of the only life I have.
I have been interested as much as I'm more around upper UK juniors and first year senior side about things more associated with younger children as for example I've always been drive to spin or rattle things such as whizzing tape reels around or enjoying the sound of winding a cassette back with a pencil or impulsively leaping to a rattle.
While I was away a "Baby Gym" with a pretty patterned mat and mobiles that made noises had been set out and I though, "Right, it's a quiet area" and decided to have a bit of a play with it.
It only took a few minutes and I sensed myself shifting to a younger more tactile headspace playing with it so while I may not identify with AB, some things from it could be in my little space needs that benefit from being met.
The other large side to this that for this whole period I am in a setting where my behaviour and attitudes are under the gaze of adults with authority over me and where I know I will be taken to one side and spanked without exception for any breaches of what I know isn't acceptable.
I do tend to ignore no's blanking them out or get into oppositional behaviour because my emotional side is running at a child's and not even necessary a maturing teen level and spanking is part of the way I'm being managed to put a stop to this to help me mature within my limitations in the way I generally wasn't before.
In that way I'm in the middle/little headspace where Authority has the final say and I am slowly learning, changing my behaviour so much so that I didn't need a spanking just doing what I am expected or am told to do with no back chat.
Connected with that is that they are challenging my low expectations of not just what I can do but of what it is I am to be expected to do from now on to help me grow up a little, taken on a bit more personal responsibility and contribute more to.
In this way they're putting me through growing pains and strict discipline to move me from where I had been parked.
Some of this showed for example in the Games morning where in the past I'd of not taken part in things that I both find difficult with my physical as well as developmental/learning disabilities such as being rubbish at archery, not understanding instructions well, poor co-ordination and lack of strength I'd of gone down the route of oppositional behaviour but I was informed I was to bring my games kit, put it on and be in a team regardless.
In other words I was to adopt a more grown up mature approach which would be overseen to help me with them ensuring I co-operated.
I am so thankful as hard going doing this is, they're putting me through it because I need help to change and be the best I can, not the least I can get away with.

I guess I'm different

This is an extra bit to the World of Joanne_chan entry of July 4th 2016 Summer Day Out
If part of the reason for being away for a day was to avoid the stress and life sucking nature of post Brexit political fall out which had left me feeling really quite flat and a bit edgy there were others things too.
One is it provide me an opportunity to see how what I have learnt  since the rule book with me was changed with having people such as my caregiver providing a lot of support, teaching coping mechanisms to deal with stressful situations, understanding more of how my behaviour impacts on others and how spanking me is leading to changed attitudes since that came back into my life.
Without a shadow of a doubt  being on the streets on a Saturday using stores  is a one of the most stressful things for me most of which are related to things such as my poor co-ordination which shows in weaving between crowds, my dyslexia when it comes to reading and finding items in space, my audio processing disorders making out what is said especially with background noises.
Also my learning/developmental disabilities come in  such as not understanding what it is that I'm being told, what it means, feeling lost 'freezing over' at the counter requiring to be prompted and treated more like a child generally.
I am still having some freezing with two assistants asking if I was okay but with their help we got through this. I also felt able enough to deal with questions and attempts to sell me other things by turning them down but politely rather than either just going along with it cos I so wanted to leave the store signing anything or getting very  cross with them.
I found some people who could help me with crossing the road on my own without pelican crossings because I have poor road sense and even with them I get scared in case cars don't stop.
I'm also not good with directions, getting lost easily.
You see I am different. I am a child-like adult who needs to be treated more that way given support to be be as independent I can and still subject to child-like rules and structures.
When you do that, I have a better life than if you pretended I was 'normal' as if I had no more needs than any regular adult.

Daddy's girl

Just been getting things ready to visit a adult who I'll stay with for two and a bit days which involves finding my travel stuff like my washbag and my clothes which are generally what they wish me to be in when in their company as the 'child' they look after.

 Having done quite a bit of that I'm just lying across the bed relaxing a bit before I eat and thinking about about this life of mine .
It's quite a bit different than it was several years back because in so many ways I'm  back to where I was as a competent child whose special needs are being dealt with by Daddy, who is in touch with me across each day making sure I'm alright, not feeling troubled because he cares enough to check.
My daddy talks with me most nights before sleep about the day so I have a proper bedtime routine and when he judges I am feeling tired he makes sends me to bed straight away with  with bedtimes kisses.
I have this emotional intimacy with him as his girl who he cares for in way I've never had  before trusting him to help me make decisions  and equally I show my love for him by taking an interest in his life, health and work.
I love my daddy so much I want to obey him as daddy's girl subject to his loving correction.
The one thing I know for sure is I am truly fortunate to have daddy that loves and protects me as his own.

On needs

There is this sadly unmet for many need is just that, it has a powerful emotional component that goes beyond what may need to be done in the direct physical sense (and for me personally there is), it is to loved, cared for, protected and cherished very much as that child.
It won't be many minutes right now for me that  routine will start as he gets up and addresses me as his child using his affectionate nick-name for  me and I have one for him where he will explore how I am feeling, what I need to do reminding me of things he wants me to do which sadly this week means resting cos I'm poorly.
I talk to him about his work, his interests and how he is feeling too because this is a relationship of the two of us that we need to maintain not least to enable him to provide me with that thing I need now and lacked in original childhood - a sense of being cared for, understood and where necessary corrected which he is quite firm over so I learn to take better care of me, making better choices. It is as you rightly say that constant and consistent reminder to be good, make good decisions, that they are always looking out for you that we badly need.
It fills the gap left  and even at the time not even met by parents who had lots of issues between themselves and to whom it has taken a lot of work to patch up the damage and a good number of us still hurting from those formative experiences and making that leap of faith for us is hard to

Resting paw edition

It's been a quiet week for me after Weekends schooling  where I did pretty well with my English and Math studying I had some moving of things to do with changing bits of my stereo and what was to changed was both heavy about 8 kilos, an awkward shape and needed wiring in.
The trouble is I've badly strained both my hands which as anyone who knows me are aware happen to be badly damaged from an industrial injury to the point I'm incapable of work.

Thing is this is 2016, not 1994 so it is no longer just me involved in looking after me so may ways my Caregiver has the final say in ensuring I take care of it, which as anti-inflammatories were stopped because of the problems to my tummy, means I have to rest.
To be more accurate, My caregiver has ordered me rest in order to recover as his little and any willful reckless disregarding will result  in a spanking just like it would for more tween me as I'm to take proper responsibility for my well-being and he is making me do it from now on.
This what being in a Caregiver/little relationship breaks down to: they take loving care of you as their child with them having the final say and you do what your Caregiver says or live with consequences you will be given.

Pay attention Jo (yet another study weekend)

This was typed between bit of spare time this weekend where it was bright and sunny although not exactly warm here not that it stops his Gingerness from being out for hours at a time.

"Cheer up, Girls, it can't surely be that bad" is the thought that enters my mind looking at that picture and the desks we sat at one by one until my secondary education were similar for those of us brought up with rote learning and the notion the teacher delivering the lesson to the class.
This weekend I've been studying  with an English practice on an extract from Oscar Wilde's The Picture  of Dorian Gray which was more about how to answer questions long answers where there is not a clue in the question as the what in the extract you need to look at and where necessary quote from.
Not wishing to sound like I'm on repeat, but my reading age is barely in double digits so reading it for the gest of the story was very hard going but I managed 90% in this.
The other part of the study is my favourite subject  -NOT- Math looking at working out Areas, Circumferences, Diameters and Radius using formulas for squares, circles, rectangles and triangles (right angled and others) in addition to learning about Solids and Nets which involves having to use ordinary math.
Although part of the formula wasn't properly explained so I had to work it out for myself, I did actually get 100% on this unit which is pretty amazing.
I'd like to thank Papa Bear for his supporting me, he's a lovely, firm but fair guy who believes in me probably more I've done in the  past to be honest and everyone else who does helping me grow.

On having a Caregiver

Papa Bear is my main Caregiver.
There is a difference between being a Mentor and a Caregiver because while both have a kind of relationship between them and you and both have some element of teaching new skills and dealing with attitudes that may set you back, the main one is it has a deep  personal emotional level to it regardless of it is a 'fostering', 'live in' or long distance one.
You have this emotional connection to you Caregiver that has some level of intimacy (not necessarily sexual) that allows the use of pet names and terms between you that wouldn't be in the 'professional' ethics of a Mentor.
You are their little girl or boy to care for emotionally either face to face or virtually, spending time being engaged socially an playfully with you very much as a child, you may sit on your lap or have your hair played with or be caressed or hugged.
It just feels...different.
My Papa Bear believes strongly in reinforcing the rules about my attitudes and behaviour where he feels it needed to bring them under control as the Adult in charge of me.

I am spanked by him as he feels I need it and to be truthful there a good number of times I do and as my papa it his accepted role to raise me as his Little Girl and that includes disciplining me. I accept it because it is a part of his caring for me that he will never allow me to get away with anything that isn't in my best interests.

That care also runs into giving advice on things like when I should go bed, looking after myself when I'm unwell to help me take better care of myself so I become more responsible within my my limitations.

It's a total package.

I have been allowed to getaway with a lot in the recent past which has spoilt me and failed to correct patterns that have made lots of problems for me

Lessons from the class room for Jo.

I've  written a bit about this Weekends Studying on the main blog which also has the other entries around the start of it from the beginning of this year as it is an important part of what this year is about for me.
It is about two interlinked things: One is dealing with my actual real life weaknesses in English, particularly written and especially Math which stem from by disabilities not least dyslexia and brain damage some of which was caused directly by a playground fall which  caused my head to hit the Asphalt surface head on which left me drifting in and out of consciousness for a good number of hours.
The second is the extent to which all the above while being  a very ready impediment  to learning was affected by attitudes toward coping with my disabilities and even the extent I was to even attempt to do the very things ever other child of my age at that time was expected to do.
Some of those attitudes amounted to authorized not trying  as I wasn't expected to be capable of them so it was felt this didn't matter which of course it did as most employers and many educational institutions require good grades not least because the knowledge behind them is necessary in an advanced economy.
But in many was it went even beyond that to one of just not bothering to try anything new because a 'they' somehow would solve them problem of what to do when it comes to caring for me and having a sense of purpose.
The fact this studying has involved some rather old fashioned ideas  such as being structured (but taking into account my real needs), being expected to work hard, being given the kind of scolding prevalent then and not least being spanked for my attitude toward that when as it was at the start was laid bare in just the same some schools back then would given me regardless of my disabilities.
My disabilities don't justify not trying, in many ways it's more important for me to try than perhaps most because my need to be able to do things is greater and in the pride I feel toward doing well so far, that is the bigger thing here.
To help me grow I need to be stretched, nurtured and disciplined as part of one whole called caring for Jo.

On my attitudes

There are plus points to being very much a adult child not least when like for me it is developmentally what you are but it also means I have the same sorts of reactions as a child in certain situations leading to situations that can be trying.
One area of attitudes I do have problems in is regulating my emotions  being impulsive, quick to act and quick to just say things without understanding what is wrong with the way I'm saying it if not the words.
I tend to raise my voice to people who contradict my wants, not paying any attention to them or not  respect any authority so I challenge, make excuses for not going along with it and delay what I am told to do to 'get out of it'
I don't do as I'm told.
I appeal to authority figures but only obey you after making the appeal and then my appeal is demanding and disrespectful of your authority.
Generally I'm not prepared and willing to obey either way and accept your decision with a good attitude.
Some of this has been reinforced through being encourage to stand my ground  against anyone who'd treat me badly because of my disabilities and I'm used to going on the defensive feeling you're picking on me or feeling you should cut me a special deal.

I need you to teach me how I am to treat you and anyone else in my life who has authority over me, setting the standards and reinforcing the boundaries so I learn to instinctively respect them which I don't now.
I need you to scold and correct me so I learn what I was meant to had done when I was younger and be prepared to spank me without fail so I understand the consequences of my failure to recognize your authority over me.

Post Experience Project edition

Yesterday marked many things such as the 90th birthday of Her Majesty, the Queen and sadly was the day the multi-talented musician and actor, Prince died but it also was the day the door shut on what had been a part of my life permanently.
The Experience Project finally shut its doors at 4PM PDT April21st after giving notice but sensing a certain nostalgia, I did get in using a spare account to leave a few brief posts up interacting for the last time with people.
You see I joined it would of been about eight years ago after reading quite a bit from the site sometimes about things about other people I'd encountered before had  and also it had to be said  to find out more about me.
They way it worked was that you found an experience you wished to talk about, be it one affirming some element of you or as I did writing about what I had felt and though comments, messages and further entries you through what it might be you were feeling.

It was by talking around this continual sense of still being a child that Iearned that a good number of others did from different directions, that I'd sooner lay across the sidewalk in a dress marking out and then playing hopscotch.
It wasn't that everything was good there, it was and remains a very mixed experience with me but together with another short lived time on a site I found the Sissy lifestyle was very much odds with me with some sending me coarse messages.
That was the first spot where I began to understand you could be an Adult by chronological age but feeling as a Little Girl enjoying the childhood of a girl the second time around that lead to other places and what has been very much my life ever since.
We talked about different ways of presenting  as that Little Girl and that then lead into talking about the past and schooling, where I discovered the  notion of being that 'adult' in law little schoolgirl involving uniforms, teaching  and having encountered the girl in question, lead to meeting her face to face.
It also was the place I found from somewhere the courage to talk about something else about the past at home and at school, rules and consequences, how they differed and to the extent some of those needs even remained.
I came out as a person who feels the need to be spanked as that schoolgirl, middles child forever to help me behave myself, talking with others who are, talking with people who did spank them around how they did it.  They in turn started very open conversations  with me about how I'd like my bottom spanked and how that would effect my relationships with people would be doing this.
This in time lead to me getting a caregiver figure that used spanking and other techniques to help change my behavior, bring in a clear cut sense of accountability and others coming into my life restoring the accountability and childhood spanking that has helped me so much.
Experience Project as a site was a mixed thing with me but I learned to explore, articulate and stand up for me, my identity and my needs, helping move me on setting up a life that is so much the better for me.

Roadmaps?

It's kind of funny how it is you find the inspiration you need  when and where you may least expect it such as this drawing by TheLatestKate on Tumblr.

Tumblr is a funny place in that all manner of things can be found on there, sometimes original texts or as in this instance art amongst a vast forest of straight reblogging of everyone elses so sometimes you see the same thing several times over not helped by encourage people to reblog things that may not even be their own just because someone got there first.

But actually, to get back the post itself,  when I first started this blog and got on a few sites sites way back when, truly I had no real idea of where everything would lead, never mind the series of connections and roundabouts I'd go through tryin' to figure it what was I was and what it was I wanted and needed.

Some of directions like one I wrote about April last where I found I I always had sissy traits even though I control the exact form that may come out as as really gender re-assignement does nothing for my own sense of gender identity - I don't see myself as a female trapped in a male body.

Sometimes I with my disabilities actually lacked the language to articulate and even look for what it was I was really looking for  even if in some respects it had been staring me in the face from when I first realized on the onset of my teens that actually I didn't feel that,had none of the 'push toward establishing an adolescent self' cos actually developmentally I was and remain very much the child.

 
What I did want was a kind of new forever parent type figure I could relate to as that child, who was going to be the adult I'd relate to AS that child being cared for and where necessary chastised as that child because those were and are my actual needs.

In other words what I was wanting in my life was Caregiver for the middle with a little side me not a plain vanilla type relationship nor one just centred on  full on BDSM.

Weekly review

This week was important for me for a number of reasons one of which was a lovely little does a couple of AB related comics and the storyline featured something that was a painful Core Memory  for me.
You see when I was little, I had a lot of difficulty speaking and very poor language skills which unfortunately made me a target for people to take advantage of knowing I'd be without the means of defending myself by doing things themselves and blaming me.
This included for some reason my younger brother and one of things he'd do was he'd start a toy war saying his toy was better smarter and was going to defeat mine, getting so carried away in that either he'd launch a fight  or damage something saying it was all my fault.
It wasn't that I was an angel but I did as now know when and what fights to pick and those weren't them and so either I'd get scolded or lose out on something even though it wasn't my fault. This was one of several things that left me feeling less than safe at home.
My older brother if he was around could see right through this and deal with it, as he did when my folks were out as he did spank me a few times but as he was a Mini-Dad to me and I knew he did genuinely care I accepted it. We get on very well now no doubt helped by him reinforcing boundaries between me and authority figures.
The other thing is following the issues at one forum I talked about last week in various places, the moderation people who were removed set up a new site which is really cute even though a few bits are understandably being worked on  given they made the site up in four whole days.
The site is unapologetically covering the whole of CG/l with separate sub forums for various bits so if say BDSM isn't your thing then you don't have to read anything about it.
I rather like it
Link:
 DD/lg World
Tomorrow I have some math work to start on OR Else!