It's about time

Writing anything with quite a number of words in it isn't something I find easy as I find structuring things difficult actually but maybe it's time I tried to rise to the challenge?

 

One of big problems over the years has been around motivation, as in feeling very much inclined toward not doing anything without a grudging muttered insincere “I'll get around to that later, thanks” without finding the time to actually undertake the requested action.

 

I might know I agreed that but I just don't feel like getting around to it, preferring to do nothing but that which just amuses me instead like watching tv or spending hours online (and I mean hours-you should see my internet browser history logs!).

 

Months may pass and that request never gets dealt with no matter how many times the matter is raised. Again.

 

It's just the same when it comes to me wanting or needing to do things that are just about my needs such as keeping my own spaces tidy, getting around to buying things that need to be replaced, organizing things I need that involve others.

 

I just don't feel getting started on them so I don't resulting in me spending the reminder of my time fighting through items, hunting for item that are not so much lost but filed under M for mess or half expecting somebody to have gotten things organized for me as if by magic, getting mouthy when they're not.

 

I'm sure you'd think straight of the bat this reads like an entry from a teen but it's not although it's true much of this probably stems from that period which was very much disturbed with inter-family relationship issues some of which involved threats to call in the Police that left so many behavioural issues unchallenged cos nobody wanted to go there. And I had a stack of cards to play and know how to.

 

So much of this has been rumbling around even with reminders ever since, that having hit a bad spot recently, I felt open to trying to do something about given verbal reasoning is something that I either ignore or shout down and I needed something in which that just wasn't possible.

 

Seeing I'd been doing nothing preparing for the season even though I had plenty of time to do, so I came to the sobering thought that what I was in need of at that point was probably what I needed at the starting point of all this-a spanking.

 

Given I'm on my own, don't (can't) drive and live off the main public transportation network, this was going to have to be self delivered, would require me to not be inhibited in inflicting the swats and so I took out a paddle getting on with inflicting twenty  without flinching. 

 

It wasn't the easiest thing to have to do for me as it really hurt lasting for a few days(naturally I did check for undue soreness etc), feeling tearful afterward, however I have to say I have finally caught up now and am likely to stay on track as it has moved me more toward finally wanting to stop so many of these habits that impact on others apart from stopping me from being responsible.

 

As painful as it is to sit afterwards, it is what I deserved.

 

As for what next year brings, I can't guarantee but I'd like people to take those cards of mine I played to escape being accountable for my actions, rip them up and help me face up to my responsibilities.

 

It's about time.

A cry from the heart

What I love about this is the calm, ordinariness of a structured but not regimented family life where the Mother is clearly taking an interest in her daughter as she plays with her dolly, cradling it. She is wanted, loved and adored by all those around her.

I'd so loved to had been her.

Chilling little style Pt II

Remember early last year where I talked about something in Chilling Little Style? The image and the likeness of the "Joanne" a twelve year girl, a part of the past life in boarding school and more? Why even it is desirable for me to remember where I'm really at.

There was even a bit of challenge around the whole notion of Pinafore Dressing me something I never had happen in my childhood, tying in with taking me back to being that child, not unlike 6 thru 12 years in school as in some schools a traditional pinafore dress is more usual although at least in this part of England you tend to see it more with the tens and under perhaps cos the older girls want to be seen as more sophisticated in separates and donning tights, something I didn't see at my school until you were in your mid teens at least.  How times change,eh?

Usually it's something like this - other styles such as box pleats, buttons etc are available  - worn over a piqued t shirt or blouse sometimes with a tie and more often than not with 'regulation' socks either ankle ones for infants or just under the knee 'long' ones for juniors
I did mention to about having the odd one although they were more adult takes on the Pinafore style and I felt like changing them. That 'Alice Band' is a nice touch too.
Well it has finally happened I am to be finally properly pinafored.

It is just like this although I was a bit worried about ordering it as the measurements provided didn't seem to make sense and math isn't my strong point so I measured out the length of a top to where I'd put the skirt over and added the skirt length that looks okay to it in order to check the length by. They also appeared to confuse Waist measurements on the chart with reference to Chest (aka Bust) on the accompanying text but as I don't know of any 4 year olds with 28" waists well that just had to be wrong as looking at children's sizing guides showed.
Anyway it is here, and having managed to take a few measurements by myself just to be sure it does actually fit having tried it on.
As I don't have a caregiver to do this for me, I'm going to put myself into it when I'm in the company of my friends, learning to feel good wearing it as the little I am. I feel it's time having written about this as long ago as 2008  as a few of you have read recently to go with my convictions and come out as that properly pinafored schoolgirl sucking her lolipops.

The rights of developmentally disabled adults

The recent controversy over Lego's Discovery Centre's refusal to admit childless developmentally disabled adults on the basis of a adults with no kids not permitted end of policy puts elements of how people legally by virtue of age deemed adult but functionally not adult requiring caregivers are treated very much into play. Few would question the rightness to put the protection of children first but an 'adult' session was not a suitable replacement for those prevented by this as the situation would be too stressful, lack a child-like feel and given the need for carers not work out as many put those most effected and needing such an experience, would be being put to bed as such a session would be underway. Some pointed out those of us who are like this, are vulnerable ourselves, that many carers are vetted in away parents with children attending were not and that some parents use children to sadly get access to abuse others. As well, as the refused were offered  a pre-booked visit escorted at the same times, capacity nor physical safety wasn't an issue either. Society has a need to recognize our needs and how they can be better accommodated within the rules that are rightly about visitor experience while respecting that in so many ways you just can't lump us in with 'adults'. As much as I dislike labels and labelling, perhaps some legal category should exist with an issued card to make it easier for people to grant appropriate exemptions?

Joanne's Uniform Pt3

I have written a bit about the history of my little side, how that connects with how you are recorded as being one gender but feel you actually are of another and how that connects to your life as mapped by gender ridden institutions, so for me my start point on being a little and specifically the schoolgirl side starts from there.

This entry, the third in this series, is part background capsule and part update of the originals from 2011.

I became a schoolgirl exchanging my drab male uniform therefore at an early age even for brief periods while at school thanks to the girls that helped me change uniform but never really got more started on it as in putting together a full uniform until I'd left formal education.

That uniform has a strong emotional resonance to me as something I desperately wanted to own, take care of and have to wear as that girl I felt so while part of my female exploration centred around the more adult big girl, this whole schoolgirl side which had never really gone away also was a part of it. It did rather confuse me at the time having two different ideas of how I was that female and also some on the big girl side seemed to have issues with even feeling this way.

Although the term and indeed concept of 'age-play'  wasn't one I was familiar with at the time (sometimes it seems I'm playing catch up with things like that), in hindsight that's where the concept of being in a past point in time, role playing a child seems to have taken hold.

So it was around a period of major profession related stress that I started off with experimenting with netball skirts and tops, the whole girly sporty thing in part cos girls sports were what I loved to play, when I was able to talk around folks into letting me be on the team and that I wanted to play in traditional girls sports kit.

I just found the whole experienced dressed as such such a great relaxation not least for feeling I was being a part of the denied me that it was not long before I started looking more into the regular daytime schoolgirl look.

One start point into that was more adult dark goth dresses not least the pinafore type which I wore for a period before encountering online communities of adult little girls and what you might call recreational school based role playing sites and establishments looking more at the latter to try and understand more of the whole role and structure of uniform and what those who had gotten more into that got from it.

Encountering them lead me more into looking into full replica uniforms, that's to say the tops, outer garments such as skirts, socks and smalls that were and in some schools still the prescribed 'you have to wear' brands.
Traditionally one would have worn Pelerine long socks with such a uniform and at one point that was rather more what I was thinking of getting.

 Often they had eyelet patterns that used to fascinate me.

It also lead to an examination in my mind of what sort of age range the schoolgirl I wished to present as was so seeing I felt more middlish -around the ages of 9-12 than the high school sort this lead me to something like UK Juniors uniform comprising of red sweatshirt, grey pleated skirt, white or grey socks with plain t shirt and regulation school smalls and a blue pleated zip fastening games skirt.
This is more documented with pictures in the previous Joanne's Uniforms posts.
When it came to deciding what to do about the subject of the socks as this uniform is something I wear most days, I made one concession to current trends which was to get and wear these

They're the more modern replacement so while they're not replica uniform to what my real life peers had at the time they no doubt what I be wearing today in the same setting.

It's in this uniform as a schoolgirl, I've been out with littles/middles enjoying real life interactions being and playing that schoolgirl I always wanted to be finding life much much more enjoyable.

A few days ago spurred on by a local charity, I went through my wardrobe and noticed those early items that lead to being that uniformed schoolgirl, some that don't quite fit, all seldom worn today and they are to go.

As I have written about on few entries here, the idea around having actual schoolgirl daytime dresses has been with me for a long time and as those Goth variants were to go together with a few other things it was time to decide what to do about it.

Because I so wish to wear an actual schoolgirl pinafore as uniform, I decided to get myself two, one grey and one black to replace them with together with a black pleated elasticated skirt.

Looking back on this whole adventure from over a decade ago, you can say I became the schoolgirl increasingly in her pinafore, being the little I really am. The tide has turned.

Spanked girl

To me you see it's perfectly plain,

my age don't stop me being a pain,

with behaviour like being a child again,

getting in trouble time and again.

When the girl acts like a child again,

her bottom is spanked just the same

learning her lessons along the way

is why it just has to be this way.

Rewinding to ones computing past

I'm not feeling that great today to be honest with what feels like a winter cold coming on that I hope clears in just over a weeks time but be that as it may, I was looking a bit at the statistics Google give you about what posts people read, where they're from, any sites they used to find this blog and so on and one thing that struck me was actually some of you do read the older posts. It was that which got me thinking.

I think must of us are aware of how our experience of the Internet has changed over the years, how that's fed into what we use to access it and the different programs we've had connected with our use of computers.

I suspect many of us have what you call a desktop that after some seconds, comes up often with a colourful design.

Well as some of you have been reading posts from 2008, here's one of mine from December that year that tells you quite a few things.

To start with like now in 2008 I also was in love with Miss Kitty so I made it the main image rather than that bland Windows XP Pro  screen.
Also look at the dimensions specifically the aspect ratio, it's 4:3 that tells you I had more traditional CRT monitor the time compared to the near universal 16:9 or 16:10 Widescreen Lcd ones we have today.

Also, it's resolution is 600x800 which is very low by modern standards.
Looking at the toolbar you'll spot firstly Microsoft were highlighting an urgent security issue with that shield with ! mark and Skype was set up on the machine although I didn't use it much.

Like today you'll spot the Avast antivirus program (the blue ball with an A) that I've always used, a program for a separate webcam I no longer use, the Nero 6 Smartstart cd writing program and Yahoo messenger that I suspect a good number of us had back then as we used Yahoo's services like Geocities, messenger and email. I seldom log into Yahoo today with services from Google being that much better overall.

Also you'll spot a trio of Mozilla Foundation programs such as the browser Firefox which was much better at the time when it came to security and features than Internet Exploder 6  (I.E to some), the email program Thunderbird which I used with a lousy Internet Service Providers (I.S.P.) email services until I moved to web based mail exclusively, that organized my mail and allowed me to have coloured backgrounds and text that help my dyslexia and Sunbird, a desktop based calendar to help me with organizing my life which is effectively replaced now  by the Google cloud based Calendar.

I now use Pale Moon a Swedish forked version of Firefox as my main browser on my laptops and the old desktop is gone!

The keenly eyed will also have spotted the installation files for the free cd copying program, dbPoweramp and the shortcut for music player Winamp both of which are installed and much used on my newer laptops. There was no iTunes installed as the machine was incapable of running it although it was very popular back then.

I wonder how many of view still have pictures of your old desktops and can tell the story behind them?