January lessons

As I tend to say on Tumblr, I do live the life as it were so for me this middle/little thing isn't just me and a  caregiver pretty much surrounded by  four walls with a computer running, it does involve actually being with  people face to face who are part of 'real' communities.
This last weekend, I was unexpectedly away with friends and for me this began with making travel arrangements by myself involving booking a taxi to our rail station as the local bus services are poor at the weekend and ordering train tickets for that part of the journey, made easier for London Midland's acceptance of PayPal as payment.
I left in good time for my train which was running from a small local platform whose overhead signs weren't working and arrived to meet the person who would be looking after me oblivious to not checking messages which was dealt with on arrival (*cough*).
I was in my recently acquired maroon V neck sweatshirt, wine coloured pleated skirt and white socks, sporting a red and white tie for the entire visit. 
A classroom had been set up for me to study in one anyone familiar with education in the 1970's and 80's would be familiar with whatever side of the Atlantic you were on complete with interactive chalkboard and chalk as everything was going to be taught 'talk and chalk style' the way it used to before workbooks and ICT moved in.
After a warm drink, it was time for some formal studying starting with Math where we looked at expressing numbers as words, multiplication, imperial and decimal fractions, algebra which to be honest isn't my strong point but I didn't do too badly on them although not paying proper attention to one question was corrected.
Afterward, I had English were we looked at Alliterations where I got 11/12 correct although this term isn't one we used at my schools and then had to filling the missing alliterations in a series of sentences to which I got 3/5 on although it was agreed one question didn't really seem to have a alliteration that would make sense . As well I got 9/10 for a sentence that used a lot alliterations.
We looked at words that have the same sound and adjectives which I was a little unstuck on mistaking an adjective for a word used to describe an action rather than a property or quality of the subject.
I had to write a few sentences based on a picture of  a little girl helping in the kitchen as if I were her and what I would be saying so I wrote this:
"Hello Miss Green", "May I help out in the kitchen today please?"
"I'd like to make an apple and raspberry pie today because Miss Andi is coming for tea. "I am not really at kneading flour and things but I like to be a good girl and help out".
I pause, awaiting Miss Green's response because I know she is busy but likes me to help out.  Maybe she will let me today?
I got 11/12 for it.
I did some colouring too before going on to eat a steak pie.

 I was trying to avoid the more stereotypical Disney princess colours here and I think I succeeded. It's also was very neatly coloured by pencil with my name and school form on the bottom right.
After a pause we went on to do some cookery which was what were were to eat for that evening's two course meal as everything was to be prepared from scratch although a few ingredients were ready prepared.
The first course was a Roast Beef Dinner which needed an hour and a half at 180 degrees C (aka 350F).
I peeled the potatoes  in bowl with water, cutting them into small pieces placing afterwards in a saucepan with water before washing topping and tailing the carrots ready to be diced to join the potatoes in the saucepan.
This was because they were to be put on a ring to boil before I them mashed them with some margarine making sure they were all done.
We did slithers of Parsnip, slicing them to go on tray with a bit of fat, put some Yorkshire Puddings in the oven and just before serving, make the gravy.
The other thing was we were going to have a desert so I was going to be involved in making this which also included making the pastry from flour and Stork Margarine in a 2 to 1 ratio so we needed 4oz of flour that was weighed  and 2oz of margarine which was kneaded together (I used a spoon) in a bowl adding water before taking out and putting on board to be rolled to make the bottom and top of the pie case.
Meanwhile fresh apples grown in the garden were cored, peeled and chopped up to go into  saucepan with water to be boiled before adding the drained tinned raspberries which were put on the pie bottom then covered with the top, putting two slits on top ready to go in the oven while we were eating the first cause ready to tuck into.
The pie would be served with single cream.
Miss Green put the things in the oven as my paws aren't much good as is my balance but I did  rather a lot and fairly well even if I'm a bit slow.
While all of this was going on, Auntie Andi arrived so we talked in the front room around various things before eating.
The food turned out rather well with everything cooked properly and much appreciated before we retired to the front room to talk and listen to music before going to bed.
We had a quiet day on Monday before I had to be back home for his gingerness, the oh so fussy Marmalade so we got up a bit later than I'm used to (anyone who's been with me knows I'm an early to bed, early to rise sort) before fixing breakfast and for me carefully packing my stuff ready and as ever putting my ticket in the Hello Kitty flight bag ready for the train conductor to inspect.
Auntie Andi kindly offered me a lift to the rail station as I sped through Staffordshire to the biggest rail station in the North-west Midlands, taking a cab home as the weather was very iffy.

What I think I have learned from this set of experiences is although I have great difficulties, there are somethings I fairly good at such as written english when I do put my mind more to it, dodgy spelling aside and although there remains some significant weakness in my math abilities which let me down, I am doing better at this than I did  in childhood.
I did better than I honestly expected when it came to cookery even if I do need some help with essential tasks in it and so could not be fully independent which supports the targeting more of my attitude toward looking at abilities and potential that people are helping me with rather than seeing things more from the side of my disabilities which came from my upbringing and has held me back.

Getting with the program

The other side to an upcoming regular blog edition which in the topsy-turvey world actually comes out first!

The first thing to say was this whole period was something of a rush job so I really had get moving sorting up transport single-handledly, checking that nothing had altered as the railway has a lot maintenance work on around the weekends.

A major part of these weekends is to do with supervised study which this time was both English and Math and is taken in a room with chalkboard set up where work to copied is put on, and any formal instructing is done through  through the person taking the lesson interacting with me as their adult school child.

I have to sit at a wooden old style based school desk and matching chair with my exercise books and pen, pencil and erasure on the desk top, only able to leave if I ask to be excused.
Actual school work books are used based on current school curriculum requirements and standards.

In front of the desk is a traditional ratton cane and nearby are a leather strap, a tawse and ruler all of which is in full view of me  and to which for the entire duration of my stay can be used on me. 

I made a number of mistakes starting with not checking my cellphone either before I departed or while travelling to the person I was to met with so before we even began I was hand spanked and lectured over it which probably has a lot to do with just not being used to using cellphones, usually checking just on arrival, replying then. I have to change this from now on.
I did make a few mistakes with the math  not helped by not paying full attention to the instructions which saw me being bent over the desk.

One thing that has changed now is I'm instructed to "assume position" from where I'm sat so I put myself over the desk, presenting my raised bottom to be the given the spanking they have decided to delivered each and every time.

So I am now made to play a complicit part in of each spanking I have earned by offering my bottom up to the pain and discomfort that it will feel.

I was strapped twice and then I just got up without asking permission and so got tawsed.

The other thing is the spankings I got were talked of in my company as were what lead to them as I squirmed with embarrassment having sit there being talked about, having people speaking in support of spanking me for them.

Shame is something I am being caused to feel for my attitudes to move me on which is so much how as a actual child some people did  to make me feel uncomfortable with unacceptable habits and behaviour

Later on I was better when it came the cookery doing a very good job of making mashed potato and carrot by hand, making slivers of parsnip and  a whole fruit pie by hand which is the first time I've ever made a pie never mind a fruit one including the pastry.

The lessons I learned from November, where I was  put into the kitchen to teach me to be responsible  by helping out in the cooking of our evening meal had started to sink in as my relationship has changed with them.

I have to play an active role when I'm with them, I have to contribute to the house by my actions, I have to follow the rules and accept consequences when I do not.

The still smarting bottom I have is because of my attitudes and actions which while much better than they were two years ago still  have some distance to go before they get into line with most peoples.

Disability and middle life

While re-reading What Katy Did and typing up a review  I realized there were some bits around that which didn't really fit within the review proper and do touch on the politics of disability which is as you might imagine a somewhat contentious area.
I might as well start somewhere by saying for some people disability is acquired thing through illness or some sort of accident, for others it is from birth or early childhood and for some of us we actually have both. The original double jeopardy!
In fairly simple terms there are two ideas of what disability is  one being the rather traditional Medical Model that sees things as what it is the person lacks, sees medical science as providing the Cure to enable living in the able world. You're a problem to be fixed.
The other is the Social Model that while acknowledging the limitation sees it as the product of a Disabling World, where it's the way things as teaching, physical and attitudinal barriers to access, the narrowness of social norms as what disables you. You might have a condition but it's other people attitudes and actions that disable you.
These two sides have been slugging it out for over thirty years with disabled people, carers and those who try in various ways to help caught in the crossfire by various 'professionals'.
Going back to the novel itself a criticism made is the idea you have to positively angelic, almost saint-like, carrying your disability, compliant with how things are.
I think the thing that one has to remember is that was more the late nineteenth century general take on life - be glad of your lot, it could be worse - rather than specifically around how as a disabled person you should in some way change your whole persona.
I think what comes over is something different which is it is about accepting the changed life you have or have to live rather than to be absorbed, wallowing in self pity, to look at what you can do still and the opportunities that may give, making the most of it.
Some may take issue with term "God's School of Pain" used in the novel either from a non-religious angle or for the idea that our father-mother God would teach or otherwise cause a person to change their approach to life though such a traumatic episode in a persons life, feeling it is most unfair.
There is another idea on this which is more the idea you need to be, even are owed compensations from the remainder of society, being gifted opportunities not otherwise available to make up for your life restrictions.
Life is unfair. It is impossible to truly equalize your life and mine or any other disabled persons just by legislation nor is in our wider interest to pursue a line of "Jody can't walk, so she must have the best of everything anyone has to make up for not being able to" having seen a only too real pecking order between individual disabled people and professionals arguing about worthiness and who really is 'more' disabled to get given extras.
While a good argument can be made for providing support and removing barriers which in the novel wasn't explored such as living downstairs and any active therapy, everyday social norms that with more equalizing support at hand need to prevail.
If you study, then you should be expected to apply the same effort as any other student and for any award to reflect your own skills and ability.
You should be expected  to keep your spaces tidy not just for other people but for your own as it is hard for you to function when you can't find or get to what you need, wasting energy you may be short of. Equally if you do have to spend time recovering, then it you need to make it stimulating and pleasant not just so you feel better but it's nicer for anyone that may come to see you rather than austere with just medicines on display. We used to make or affix bright cheerful covers to the backs of our wheelchairs and decorate the arm rests so they were a reflection of us as it's just an extension that helped us get about.
You need to follow regular social conventions asking for and not demanding as of right things that may be of great benefit to you and to which they may be able supply just cos your disabled and you had bad life.
Being a contributor in society isn't  about money, it's about the social capital you invest, the feeling of being alive, the difference you make even you having and meeting the same sorts of responsibilities your non-disabled peers have even if it's sharing in chores.
As a disabled person you won't get everything you want even if you would benefit from it which may seem unfair but when you think about is just as much true for a good many other people who also would of benefited from similar help or opportunities in their lives.
We all have to adjust to these things and in the final analysis, we all need to see what we have, our opportunities, our talents even in changed circumstances and learn to be grateful (not to be confused with mindlessly cheerful) for what we have as the sure fire route to lose the people who can help is not just being too demanding but bad company too.
For what it is worth I feel while both models of disability  have elements of truth they ought not to be seen as competing  because as a person you are more than just a person who lacks certain abilities and you yourself have to recognize their are limits to what people and groups can do to mitigate that.
The problem with saying I have special needs so you need to treat me differently because I can't help being me is that any society needs commonly accepted standards for all to preserve  social cohesion and granting us special rights over those does undermine that.
It has a lot to with the issues people are helping me with personally because it does lead to you not just disengaging with things you could do but the idea everything is for anyone else but you, that ticks off people so in time people disengage with you.
For us to get along ultimately we have to be prepared to follow and learn your rules not impose our own.

Being grown up week

I've been dealing with a few things over the last week, some unexpected, some not but there's a few common things in common to them all.
The main thing has been getting things organized for a couple of days away fairly soon one which was a complete surprise from a friend of mine who is very aware of this whole life of mine to the point of being prepared to spank me where needed so I've had to get the details of that agreed and sort the transportation out as non-driver.
The other is the first of the twice yearly Littles meet ups here in Great Britain over several days where a good number of spend a few days in a rented place having fun in safe secluded environment which was known about but my transportation plans got changed so I've had to stick my Big Girls pants on and co-operate with someone on their timetable so I could get their without running into issues that would put me at appreciable personal risk.
Then as ever on Tumblr a person who I followed for a while switched the Community and tag affinities to one which is more exclusionary so I had message them to see if they were still okay with people in mine following and was informed not so I was required to unfollow them so I did.
The funny thing is at the other account with a different group I have when when I need a more controlled time their they actually added me! Now do you think I can be two totally different persons?
I suspect it just show how much this community label stuff  blinds people to who the person is and the exact nature of what they post.
The thing all of these things have in common is they've required me to act in a more mature way, considering and in some ways giving more priority to their needs and wishes than my own although they are important too.
That I have is a sign of how this life is helping me finally grow up.

Presenting me

I have been a bit busy working on a few things connected with the next littles meet up this weekend which Papa Bear is pleased with apart from a bit of post Christmas tidying up.
The last few days have seen me thinking a bit  about a number of interrelated things and it's really those I wish to talk about today.
Take avatars for instance. We generally see them on forums, social media, chat rooms and so on sometimes as I can well remember when I first got online, you be given limited amount of preset ones by the owners and increasing more allowed you to host one of your own subject to size restrictions then some site had image hosting that integrated that with you with resizing and a choice of 'cut outs' so things didn't have to be square shaped.
What was the point of them?
I'm very much a visual kind of person in that if I'm online I look for a familiar 'face' in a thread or forum that I associate that individual with to the point as some people in a music forum know I don't like it if you change them rather like you change your underwear cos it gets very confusing.
One problem I have is different sites have different image size and shape restrictions and small square shaped one need a fairly simple image to be easily recognized while others allow for long and more subtle ones. I like to standardize an avatar across a group of related sites.
For me an avatar is a personal thing: It's an online reflection of an aspect of me I wish to communicate to people as my 10 seconds of introduction and acceptance to you tailored to where we are meeting up so on one site it's very much my nekomimi side you'll first see while others will be tailored very specifically to it (SN followers will no doubt be smiling at this point!).
Here and on related sites it is different: It is very much about "the little girl within", my very child-like but adult regressed self which just is me because in part of what happened to me apart from those disabilities I was born with, how I see me and my life as lived with nothing sexual in it.
I did touch a bit on it on Friday, but while I don't feel significantly older than I did , that side of me in real life as even in online life too has with a lot of help has moved on being a bit more mature, moving more toward what an actual child of my developmental age would do and think even as the gap between that and a fully mature adult is painfully obvious.

That is one reason why I decided to alter my avatar here: to communicate that change even if  it lacks my beloved Junior Prefects badge.
There were others, some in squared form may of worked better but there was something else, a smiling contentedness in this that is in how I feel that was missing from them while still having something of the era I'm from.
As ever I'll add the last avatar to my list of them on the about page where I talk about their histories and have synchronized a square version with my accounts at GT and IK.

Snowed in Friday musings

Wasn't planning on writing something actually but actually thought I'd type a few words although I may not make quite as many twice weekly editions as I did last year even though I think it'll be a few weeks until I have a 'proper' cycle mapped out.

 There are a few things I am going to be talking about, one is how comments and entries not just on my blog, although as ever so long as they're fit to be printed I'm always happy for people comment on it.
I think there's a difference between talking about something, it might be drawing , an article or a story and what you feel about it and where it is about some technical aspect of it such as missing a small matching bit off a picture or perhaps not the ideal shade of a colour  in picture or a spelling or punctuation mistake in a written piece.
I think we're familiar enough  being set a task at school or college, handing it in  and being graded on it perhaps to the point of a written comment being made the sorts of things I can think of would be "Needs new paragraph", "Should be in red" or even as I had in school "See me" when I didn't really feel like putting much effort into things and things came out of draws *cough*.
Anyway that's fine and dandy for formal learning and yes even I increasing recognize the value of that and being expected to put more thought into things so we go improve in what we're doing but when we do things just for ourselves as shared "For fun" thing is that the right way to go about it?
Rather than leaving a string of comments about technical errors we can easily correct forever marring it, shouldn't we message or email any  points or suggestions that that person can put aright so while they do learn as we need to from our mistakes, our masterpiece isn't left  cluttered up by them?
Second thing is eventually I did get the second Valerie Hastings piece of classic G.O (Girls Only)  fiction in a 1968 hard back edition

 You know all about me and G.O fiction, the stuff I read at school, especially boarding school so I was super pleased about that.
It's really about the strange goings on at Hazelmere, Jill's boarding school where it transpires an arts competition is being used to smuggle out two stolen works of art from a local art collector and the perils for Penny Maxwell of having her Mom on the school's governing body interfering  in the Fourth Forms lessons like the music lessons topics and the Horse Riding plus wanting to fix things for Penny where this will only undermine the sense of fairness seen by the remainder of the form.
I don't think I mentioned for a good while I do have a number of Angela Brazil's masterpieces of the genre in Armada paperbacks, the copies I had living as a child (well we can't truthfully say growing up!)

 I wrote about this several years back , a gripping tale of intrigue, inheritance and the lives of schoolgirls and recently re-read it.
F-f-finally as it's rather cold and snowy up here in the North-west Midlands of England, I am toying with making some slightly older avatars to test out as I do feel I'm maturing just a little more than I did a few years back which is ironic given so  much of it comes from this regressed little/middles life.

I have the right...

Last week I looked at the standards that are appropriate to hybrid middle/adult  me and why this year it's important to build on that progress.

One thing that gets sometimes forgotten about especially on this blog is I do have have rights and needs when it comes to how I wish to express my gender as that person excepting of course that you need to consider where and in what context you do not least for your own protection.

I do have right to express myself if I so wish in a very feminine and somewhat cutesy form even if much of the time I do wear either child-like casual or school-type attire depending on where I am and who I am with.

This is at the far end of 'sugary' with me but it appeals greatly again with some consideration to what sort of context, hitting the younger side of me head on.

This is more the sort of thing you'd associate with me but I really love gingham dresses and they cut of most traditional school type ones does flatter my figure well so I like to wear them when I'm with people who have responsibility for me.
I don't have a major issue with pants, indeed where I'm from it often got very cold and you'd be glad of the coverage but to be honest I generally prefer skirts and dresses with shorts being good for either play or walking as you don't want your flowing dress stuck on the brambles!
Just nobody should define who and what I am except me.