Do we really belong here?

There will be a pause next week I think simply for being away and so not with chromebook and you really cannot type up droves of posts for blogs to cover that period while getting ready to go away with all the packing and the regular weekly activities and that.

There is one topic I keep coming back to which is around age identity and from that what really is appropriate because if you are very much a person to whom sexually or other kink based interests apply (like bdsm) then it's quite straightforward.

You may role play an age in a context, say DD/lg reflecting a point that for you you wish to return to in the context of that and any relationships but you still ultimately see yourself as, and identify with, your age as recorded on your birth certificate.

You are also quite likely to have the adult adeptness to handle adult content sites connected with that.

And that is okay.

I seldom if ever feel adult, although I know the law says I own consequences for actions I commit as one and never identify as an adult (I could have written this in my teen easily).

I struggle with tasks that require adult levels of comprehension and seeing what is coming next so does it make sense at all for me to have a presence on any adult site that has lead to issues around bullying, presumed overt sexual interests and what not?

In the ideal world, I will be blunt and say, No.

The problem comes for me in that a small portion of me, a portion that in childhood featured the threat and delivery of spankings that still runs through that perception of how I see me is a topic that (understandably)

today cannot be mentioned in child safe places (heck references to it often get removed in republished children's literature).

That only leaves adult sites as places I can talk about and with people and then sometimes they won't allow you to reference any however briefly that occurred as a child at that time and we'd all agree mentioning that of actual children in the modern world isn't right (and attracts bad sorts).

And those places are the ones I struggle with, cos beyond this one subject, I really don't belong in scenes that going by any assessment of my emotional intelligence would show I'm too young for.

I'm just wondering if really leaving such spots for good might not be the most sensible thing for someone like myself.

Being 'there'

Sometimes you just might wonder why things happened the way they did.

That was one thought I was left with just listening to various people as they talked about their lives and experiences in completely random way with no real script or anything not that I usually do much of that and today I'm reflecting on something happened a few years ago.

I mean the only time I really talked much would of been the first week at my boarding school where Miss Howes asked me to speak about myself to the class, most of which had known each other for at least several months probably because of believing my family life was just so embarrassing with no real "small talk" and in part cos I felt much younger than most of the class.

It was kind of odd to feel able to share something that was actually about rather than of me and that was I had done something for the first time albeit with supervision.

I had managed to make cakes.

Truthfully the way things were at home, you might as well of put up "Keep Out" signs on the kitchen cos that was off limits when it came do doing anything at all like fixing a hot drink, a sandwich or whatever.

I'm not really sure how much it was fear of risks and how my perhaps of been subconsciously dealing with guilt by providing everything but what people might call 'life-skills'  where not things I knew as much as anything else no one had ever really taught me them. They just assumed I'd pick it up and duly noted "Does not".

Equally I was never expected to help out making meals even if you'd though for one thing I rather feel more a part of a family unit and actually it would help me which was  part of the reason why it the person I was staying with had me in the kitchen learning and actually doing with supervision and direct hands on assistance at times preparing vegetables for a cottage pie, sealing the minced meat and such like.

One of things they are helping with is learning to contribute directly and understand what sorts of things society expects you to when you're with people so I can co-operate better whereas to a large extent disengaging had been my norm.

That meal was the more tastier for having made a substantial contribution to its creation by labouring even with my limitations. 

In so  many ways then, that weekend was quite a important one for and the better for being shared with friends.

Pushing away

As I'm typing this it's raining hard  from what I can make out of the gloom just showing through my bedroom window at this hour so whither or not I get outside remains to be seen although after another day where the politicians singularly failed yet again discussing and voting on trade options after the EU but NOT passing an actual withdraw agreement that EU Rules require before they can start negotiating trade outside of it with us.
It's hardly surprising then that a return to the constants in my life has been around in the last month or so across the board as much as because all that "groan up" stuff I've struggled with motivation. 

I have been spending more time out not just walking although I have been doing that too but also sat in the park, just focusing on what's around such as the various flowers that are starting to emerge from the winter, passing insects and birds and trying to keep my mind more more on what I need to do rather than being diverted toward those things that really I have little control over.
I have been doing a bit more reading, reading more of the kinds of stories I loved in original childhood with mysteries and adventures and connected with it spending a bit more time on a website for people who like that kind of fiction, talking with them.
Being in more of a child-like mindset makes for a big difference not least when as it was at the weekend Mother's day over here cos our relationship is still very much child to parent.
As well I have been around SN as tensions lead to toward issues in my emotions and breakdowns when it comes my behaviour that can be talked through as much as with someone like me spanking or at the very least a reminder of its likelihood really helps with it as I easily get into oppositional conduct striking out.
That sites recent changes seem to have reinvigorated it not just in having a software update but also when it comes to interaction with more discussion as well as 'fun' threads.

A complicated weekend

You know something in life are 'complicated', they just are and sometimes several of them just come together as one it's much more harder going.

Take Grumpy whose 'Grumpy' day was Sunday for instance and my feelings are very complex because he's a character of extremes, of being capable of being understanding and prepared to do lots of things and yet a person who says hurtful things without thinking, has through his behaviour in the past brought us to point police calls were being threatened  growing up when he'd hurl items across rooms getting really aggressive and yes actually committed ABH on my younger brother cos he come home from work, mom was in bed and because he was expected to make tea but having a severe migraine was in the rest room, came in and got the fists out.
But then, what of that brother himself?
He stole money from me, intimidated and told blatant lies about me exploiting my vulnerabilities as a then disabled child because I wasn't prepared to lie because he was committing fraud against Mom stealing from  her, and not attending classes.
Today he refuses at times to speak to me and as like this Saturday just totally ignored me as if I'm worthless trash to which my folks won't call him out over.
So when think about it, you see what I mean about being complicated and how plays on my anxieties.

Everything changes

It was a shock to some to realize Hello Kitty wasn't actually a cat but rather a girl and an English one at that but that did not mean she wasn't real or a genuine personality but that kind of thing can run on in everyday relationships too where people may not who we first think we see them as.
Such things don't deserve the cry of "Fake, fake, fake" you find on social media followed by a witch hunt and even if you did see them as they are right first time doesn't mean they like you may change over time especially over politics or identity issues digging around to find contrasting posts.
It's just evolution really.
That's one thing I'll be keeping in mind while I'm away this week at Susan's funeral which I'll be off to later on today.
Another thing is what might of seemed at the time a major issue may over time correct itself to the point you might restore a friendship or resume on a site after a major hiatus which was the case this last week where drama at one site lead to the removal of senior people who in turn set up a newer site a number of us thought safer emotionally which had to simultaneously to a situation that new site was losing money and activity to the point of closure in early June and the original site changing to be more inclusive with many of people we felt uncomfortable with away from the driving seat.
I've made my peace with how the original site is and have picked up from where I left now which I guess is a sign of having a more maturer outlook and being prepared to let past discourse go.
Until next week, bye. 

Weekly reflection

 

This week as the weather has been  better for getting about so I've managed to get out and actually walk a bit further than normal getting close to what I was capable of several years back so that's been great this week.

It's so great to start to wake up to the dawn chorus now that it's getting a bit bit bright and for longer because it sounds so peaceful and when I'm out walking often I stop and listen out for them spotting them in the trees or just overhead near the fields.

Also the people who look after our Inland Waterway have been at work so I've been over there on my travels talking with them and other people about too.

It's strange but all of this actually leads to me feeling less stressed and from that much less likely to lash out at people when it just all becomes too much emotionally and when it comes to stimulation too which is a great help not just to me but Mom too.

As I'm typing this out today it's her day - what the natives here call "Mothering Sunday" - so I got her a card and present while I was in town late last week while I was out exchanging a gift voucher toward a present for my birthday.

I've also been thinking about my over 18 Tumblr and were I want to take it  so spent sometime while out thinking that through and am working on ensuring it is targeted in and around exactly what I want.

I think I'm doing good now. 

Just as this blog is about to go to press, it's been announced Professor Steven Hawking has died who like me is a quadraplegic.

He's been battling Motor Neurone disease since being diagnosed with it at university   being a electric wheelchair user but although he required considerable personal support, he went on to complete a lot of research into the Cosmos to acclaim from his peers and can be credited with helping to popularize science and break down the idea that disabled people cannot contribute to society.

He was an inspiration to me and countless others of our generation.

The M.I.A. Edition

Hello again! I've come from the darkest recesses of the littles blog to talk about something that seems to be endemic on online  communities and that is the curse of the disappeared ones.
They come in a number of forms such as the enthusiastic poster, who sends a good dozen a day from the moment the sign up, the one that encourage you join up but only posts a couple of times or the one that's been on the site for quite a while.
The thing they all have in common is they just leave, no Custer's last stand style rants or kiss-offs with no trace at all. Not even a last past or personal message so you are left wondering had you or anyone offended them or they're actually okay especially when they alter their username to Gone and that.
I think the most important thing for us to realize is as much we enjoy social media and websites, people or even the sites themselves are always in state of flux and the relationships that really  matter with them or those that went to personal ones through emailing or face to face encounters and that we can't restore things to how they were.
Sites do go over time - I can think of five of the top of head I belong to between 2005 and 2009 that are no longer with us - that we may miss but they are either replaced as a good few have for all intrusive social media or that we replace by with real life activities such as munches or play meets.
Sometimes the best response we can make to such situations is to simply move on.

Being grown up week

I've been dealing with a few things over the last week, some unexpected, some not but there's a few common things in common to them all.
The main thing has been getting things organized for a couple of days away fairly soon one which was a complete surprise from a friend of mine who is very aware of this whole life of mine to the point of being prepared to spank me where needed so I've had to get the details of that agreed and sort the transportation out as non-driver.
The other is the first of the twice yearly Littles meet ups here in Great Britain over several days where a good number of spend a few days in a rented place having fun in safe secluded environment which was known about but my transportation plans got changed so I've had to stick my Big Girls pants on and co-operate with someone on their timetable so I could get their without running into issues that would put me at appreciable personal risk.
Then as ever on Tumblr a person who I followed for a while switched the Community and tag affinities to one which is more exclusionary so I had message them to see if they were still okay with people in mine following and was informed not so I was required to unfollow them so I did.
The funny thing is at the other account with a different group I have when when I need a more controlled time their they actually added me! Now do you think I can be two totally different persons?
I suspect it just show how much this community label stuff  blinds people to who the person is and the exact nature of what they post.
The thing all of these things have in common is they've required me to act in a more mature way, considering and in some ways giving more priority to their needs and wishes than my own although they are important too.
That I have is a sign of how this life is helping me finally grow up.

New Year reaffirmation

Seeing this is the start of New Year one might begin this first edition of the New Year looking at resolutions which we have talked about at various sites, certainly at SN, not just the more usual things around positions, material things and pay for those that are employed but more around the things we find difficulty with and in a less overtly religious way, our moral and behavioural traits not just in how they leave us but especially the impact on others of when get it wrong.
The following is the emotional age appropriate standard for me as a child/adult hybrid expressed in a way I can understand easier

Now that isn't too tall an order for me get to grips with so keeping to it is one of my most important things this year.
What I really want you all to do is help hold me to all five points of this over the year be it in a chat room, on the threads of a forum or social media and especially face to face.
I want you to be to be fair but very firm with me being prepared to chastise me as and when I deviant from such basic social norms, learning to own the consequences of my actions to help me be as responsible as I can even with my learning and developmental disabilities.
This is what matters the most for me in Twenty-seventeen. 

Triggered and trying to pick up the pieces.

The week was due to end on something on high and anyone that read the post on Friday  on the other blog may well of been forgiven for thinking that  as I looked at how over the years I had actually developed and as a result of that the blog had reflected those changes in me.
Some of those things included people who were going to have a more parental input in my life to help me better manage it because I was struggling with it providing guidance and oversight and also by consent, spanking me which has worked well.

 It's perfectly true to say emotionally and psychologically, many of us carry some baggage around with although for most it's something they have control over but for some of us it goes much deeper than that.
You might think you have it safely contained where it doesn't cause you any problems however this sort of traumatic events can jolt you back back very much in that moment reliving those raw terrifying emotions, freezing you, leaving you shaking badly.
For me personally I do go 'mute' in stressful situations, I stare out oblivious to what is going on around, I just shut down and curl up. It's a vulnerability I have to live with when I'm so overwhelmed I can't act to look after myself.
That's what makes a triggering episode like the one I had on Thursday really bad bring back painful memories of witnessing verbal abuse and physical violence at home and of inappropriate physical contact outside of it. It goes that much deeper than just something you'd rather never happened.
I supposed in a way it had to happen at a site very much for adults because with my mixture of learning/developmental disabilities I don't really slot into sites well because I do need generally a higher degree of moderation and 'hand holding' than most sites expressly for adults offer but either that sites that do are strictly under 18 or more general ones where some topics would (understandably)  be off limits.What I need more - an more older kid style of site -  but for over 18's doesn't exist.
It just happened that in innocuously questioning a part of the main site entrance,  it opened up discussion things that directly triggered emotions from those experiences that left me shaking in my tummy  just even typing it.
I just feel at the moment typing this I need  to try to get this under some control and a part of that is to take a break from the site in question until I feel ready to log back in seeing posts without all these memories flooding back.
I think the whole topic that lead to this needs to resolved, "put to bed" so the thread and everything in it can just float away or be closed off.
For me at some point when I feeling better than I am presently, I would like to work toward some permanent closure  with the individuals concerned and  not just from a personal point of view  that's obviously a very important for me but also for them to try to work through their feelings on what happened and how it's left things.
To me it is that within my limitations, I do need when I'm better to resolve all of this in a mature way rather than just avoiding people who I did really like and mostly likely never saw where things would end up.

The A to Z of Jo staying with you

When you get to see this I will be almost ready to go away for a few days so in the intervening time I have been super busy organizing my transportation, making sure I take what I need and that it is all been properly washed and any outstanding business is taken care off.

 

When it comes to going away things are always different with me compared to most in that in the first instance whoever I stay with assumes some responsibility for me because of the limits on my abilities not just physically but also when it comes to my abilities to exercise responsibility and make quick judgments.

In a good many respects I have the position and all the authority of a teen girl staying with relatives because while I do have a say, the higher level decisions are made for me and I am subject to house rules in a direct way.

This is for a number of reasons such as I struggle with options, often getting confused around implications and consequences to the point of just freezing over, often I require supervision to make sure breaks and get to bed at a reasonable time so I have a no later than bedtime and can be sent to bed if I'm tired.

I do wear uniform when I am with them at all times except if we're going in a place where regular folk congregate such shops and the like.

Also I am scolded and spanked by them should I be dishonest, disobedient or disrespectful to them or anyone else during that period as most adult ways of dealing with this just don't work with me but that does.

To be honest, I find this actually quite a lot better for me not least for it is a less anxious experience, that if I do mess up (and I'm prone to it) at least everything is over and done with and as necessary I'm helped to put things right to other peoples satisfaction where whenever I had been with people before I just messed up and we just got to the point I was dead nervous about going and they'd be left feeling they'd 'have' to take me or I was for a forever kind of punishment.

That it ties in with my little/middle side and its needs helps to keep some inner tensions down between trying impersonate a grown up and in many ways the lack of such a side in me which just added to the difficulties following higher level discussion of the sort you expect of adults.

It is also helping me more deal with my emotions, sorting some of my attitudes out which people just faced with a potential meltdown in adult company didn't deal with.

This life and how it is yours

It is not for the first time that I noticed a schism across the wider community although the fact it is so  centred on Tumblr does not surprise me as ever since I joined originally in July of 2013 so the joy of seeing so many people with things in common has been heavily compromised by the sheer amount of drama between and within communities.
At the heart of it is tags and streams, the one area that makes tumblr different than say this blog because if you're anything like me you fire up your smartphone, chromebook or whatever, select Tumblr and the first thing you'll see is your stream comprising of the Tumblrs you follow, the obligatory rubbish promoted posts Yahoo added and any messages.
Tumblr isn't too fussed of itself about content so long that any blogs that is nsfw or adult are flagged and ideally if a blog is split say 99% sfw and 1% nsfw, you tag the nsfw posts as such.
Within the world of littles there has been developing a storm around two separate but partially connected things.
The first is one some of you will be aware of, under 18's interacting with adult blogs which can be safely regarded those that may feature or reference sexual acts, bondage and so on and that can include the dl of abdl.
There are two sets of concerns,  one is exposure to children of graphic material and by messaging, inappropriate contact by adults by which they are risk of serious harm by predatory adults and usually this potential contact occurs through false ages to which the best response is to report them.
The bigger more contentious question is around what I'll call littles tumblrs and under 18's.
At a more mundane level I'm what I'd call a realist in that provided a tumblr or any other kinda blog can be read without having to log into a service that *may* ask for some age verification then frankly  I know it'll be read by anyone under 18 who even if I block them will get around it by bookmarking it and signing out or reinventing their age if that's what they want. Only if I see someone is clearly under age and following a nsfw or adult blog would I act.
Only adult or nsfw blogs on tumblr are restricted to only being able to read by being logged in the so this blogs Tumblr nemesis is covered although frankly there's nothing on there than what might of been shown in some editions of pre 1988 Beano children's comic that even run a who do you want to whack competition with an image of someone with a cane pointing at a clothed bottom or the then Daily Mirror's Jane  cartoon strip when it comes to the depiction of spanking and nothing sexual.
To me, splitting that off on Tumblr make sense especially as even if you were over 18 and as a little you may not wish to see spanking images with your cornflakes!
Allied to this and in some ways something I find more troubling is the furore around non sexual littles blogs and how some littles communities are treating the people who publish them.
To recap on Tumblr's rules which are relevant so long as nothing that is adult or nsfw is published as general, then whatever is posted isn't by content breaking a rule.
If you publish a littles tumblr that say covers age regression such as plushies, dollies, cartoon characters, child-like attire and lego there is no reason why your  blog should be flagged because although you may be legally adult, there is nothing adult on there. Even mentioning Caregiver little relationships of themselves doesn't alter that.
This is where core of the  tag and labelling war on Tumblr is at.

Being a a little means in simple terms:
You 'feel' younger than your chronological years being atypical of your peers
Because of, your interests differ and *may* present more 'like a  child' in terms of attire
You may 'function' as a child
You may not be sexual necessarily although some are.
You may have or feel the need for a 'Caregiver'/Daddy/Mommy even if you do not have one
The above may not have any sexual role with you as a little
You expressly are NOT a pedophile nor is any Caregiver as you have no sexual interest in children.

It depresses me to even have darn well type that because that  is what two Tumblr communities of littles DO NOT accept.
On the one hand we have the Kink people saying all people who say  littles must be sexual because their community uses and in their opinion owns the term and all Caregivers must be sexual or at least  kink centred.
We have another interesting group, a mirror image Chire, who basically say the same and add anyone in Cg/l is automatically kink, they oppose kink and try get your super squeeky clean age regressive tumblr flagged and ban you from reblogging any of their folks Tumblrs.
(Chire apparently means Childlhood Regression and appears to be aimed those who use age regression as coping mechanism for trauma or mental illness )
That's cos they say they alone are the nonsexual age regressive community and anyone in Cg/l  who say they same is flat out lying and littlespace is inherently sexual so they send threats to you and even this morning I was sent a link to a hardcore porn blog by one just to try and 'trigger' me.

That opinion is  news to me as for as long as I've been since  past two paws worth of age I've been clearly and at times embarrassingly obviously to some younger than my peers and for period I've looked up this way way before social media came along the terms littles, caregiver etc were not owned exclusively by the bdsm community (caregiver was the term used for a person aiding usually a younger disabled adult) or any other.
For me this whole thing about being a little is that opportunity, that space to be as I am not having to pretend really grown up I can just express myself in. That space you get into when you do is littlespace and what's in there isn't inherently sexual at all.
Having a caregiver simply means you have someone who helps you when you are in that space and in dealing with any thing you may struggle with providing guidance, reassurance and if agreed as with me, discipline.
For people like me who are into non sexual regression, that's the end stop, so in a lot of respects that person is more Parental with you, treating you with the same care and same paternal instincts that a parent would of a actual child.
Frankly it's a must in my life making it more bearable, meeting my needs not least those of actual disabilities  and yet these people choose to paint a different picture on it.
I know what communities I belong in, I do not need people to define me out of spaces and I belong in Cg/l and the subset Cglre (Caregiver/little regression only) that merely signified it is nonsexual regressive caregiver little. I have no issues with people at all who have a sexual side in their relationships because they keep what is intimate to them, just that in much of same sort of way as if you had an older sibling they were going out with someone  certain stuff would never happen in view of you at home.

That 'in front of  you' I feel is the real and genuine issue on places like Tumblr so it may be as well to have separate blogs for anything that might be seen as 'adult' enabling people to choice  which they follow and can be flagged to help keep under 18's away too. I don't honestly feel there is any need to keep them away from a purely regressive Tumblr but would agree any Tumblr that was 'adult' or nsfw should mainly because of the messaging side as much as I would some concerns over content.
Obviously in so far as meets go, that's with organizers most of which would stick strictly 18 plus not least because of licensing and the risks of sexual contact with minors and any comeback from it.
The idea that Caregiver/little relationships are inherently sexual is just ridiculous.

Light and Shade

Sometimes you might think this life may be either all matter of fact or really a rather austere, feeling like you're on the edge of your seat at all times and it's true much of what you on blogs on Tumblr and that seems to have that kind of  trope running through it.
Well it's not for all of us and certainly not in mine as there's much sweetness and light  that starts from our morning exchanges with heaps of wit and humour like when I say I'm exploring the kitchen on all fours and  my Caregiver just says "Hmm better be careful of your bottom, it's such a appealing target like that!" playfully hinting of a smack or two with no malice or anything. With us even something that reference spanking can be fun cos we knew when things are being for laughs between us and when it's serious.
So in certain ways it almost mirrors the kinds of childhood experiences most of us had and how that made it easier as we got older to discern more subtler emotional means in how the people around us interact.
Authority figures played with us even if had a more serious role like showing how to do something or being the class teacher because they saw that helped us relate to them as much as we learned to pay attention following their rules.
Even if I did do something to which He (or anyone else for that matter) had little alternative than to go give me a spanking, it doesn't matter how red my bottom may of become, afterwards it's all over with and I'll be laughing and playing with them as if nothing had happened.
That's cos as far as any adult authority figures  go I'm just a good girl who  makes mistakes for which I'm corrected to help me learn from them and so there's no reason we can't go back to having fun in our relationship one that's taken care off which is how at at boarding school going from sore bottom to giggling in a quarter of an hour.

Tales I read from the past

This was an original paperback book from my childhood which being in the early 70's as a bit gaudy from an aesthetic point of view and probably more  with a nod and a wink to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and rather like that it has a more tale.
More accurately it has moral tales because it is a series of 30 short tales of children being naughty though I venture to suggest in 2009 someone has given them a condition or syndrome rather than using the other 'n' word.

The original hard back illustration by Eileen Soper.
In it children see character acting up, just as a child you would with the consequences unfolding and some sort of punishment being metered  at the end because it was written for more six to eight year olds to help show what was and was not acceptable behaviour.
It can be seen as a replacement for the old stodgy Victorian morality tales for being funny and engaging more with a child's imagination.  
A key feature is that the a strong sense of just punishment is included that children strongly identify with.
The fact I've kept it so long is an indication of the extent to which I feel it is relevant to me and the failure to learn to behave in a mature way.