The lead makes the colour...

Yeah I know, Tuesday isn't it but the groan ups mess my routine up yesterday that left me super tired  so yesterdays post comes a day later than scheduled and I might of gotten it done before bedtime had it not been for Marmalade playing hide and seek over over half an hour, tearing the lower floor of house apart trying to find him. Grrr.
Anyways, as you know Colouring is a pretty big thing with me and a large portion of us too but one problem I have is gripping and pressing on to pencils due to my disabilities.
It's no lie I can sometimes struggle to write me own name  at a times which makes colouring difficult as with most childrens pencils you need quite an impression to get darker shades and they can break real easy.
At the suggestion of Poppie, I decided to get some more pencils.

 

For one thing my pencils came in 12 colour pack so some of the colours I may need aren't there although I'm pretty good at blending colours to create say Fawn -some packs have different colour shades in them too - and these don't break so easy.

They're also designed  so you don't need to press much on them which is a very real boon for some of us and easier to blend.

Opaques and fashion.

A variation on theme, I do like patterned opaque tights not just from the point of view of being less likely to ladder when you're putting them on but also for the patterns that easily team up with something such as a simple plaid miniskirt too.

The 70 denier ones here are fairly common place in British high schools and an increasing number of Junior ones too a change I observed in school myself

The only thing that I don't do is the heels simply because with my poor walking and balance I couldn't stay upright walking in them.

Monkeying about

Anima the plushie Monkey behind his favourite Island site.
He came from  the Monkey Forest at Trentham, near Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire which as been open for ten years  where my folks bought  him.
You can wonder around  watching the monkeys all day although it's not a good idea to have food on your person although there are eating areas and shops  on site, one a number of great places to visit here in the North-west Midlands.

Yesterday I went to a new hairdressers locally as my one for several years isn't very well and has had to gave up her  job which is both a great shame and a reminder of when it was I had to too.
If like me you do suffer from social anxiety anything like this is stressful but the lady who owns the shop made me super welcome and having understood my disabilities made a great attempt engage with me  so I didn't lose track of what she was saying.
It's really nice when people do things like this.

Words best not said

I do come out swearing usually if I’m super stressed because a whole situation is beyond that emotionally I can cope with and have had issues with swearing as a matter of routine  where with a bit more thought I could put over my emotions better.

I am spanked for this but a part of helping me manage this is dealing with the causes like in some situations you need to step in and take over before I get to that point.

Actually I was a bit late getting up this morning so it was a rush to fix breakfast while his furness was demanding his which is just typical I guess of what can happen when you go to sleep thinking about something.

For some of we'll be returning to some sort of studying or other next month which I'm sure we'll be looking forward  toward which kind reminded me of this perennial problem area.

 That's a funny strip from the American Dennis series but it does set out well, the great putting off feeling, moving toward magical dream solutions with that on the day realization it didn't work and you're left with...No Homework Done.

I'm getting better at structuring  it, making notes what needs to be done by when, starting on say an essay plan with the points to put in and then doing a bit at a time rather than a last minute "Oh my god!" dash for it which believe me, was my system for years and years.

I'm also finding having a person who'll hold me to account over this sort of thing is helping to as I'm not very good at doing it for me.

Having had a near miss involving a car earlier on in the week, it brought a few more buried aspects of my life to the fore.

 
I had been thinking about getting more hands on at one particular site but feel it may not be to the best interests of my emotional well being, not that I wasn't able to do it, quite the opposite actually as I could do it well, but rather it may put me in more triggering situations that have taken me long time to recover from.

I am more feeling that looking after my needs is not only better for me personally - and I do matter - but I can do more of what I feel helps from the sidelines.

Real Middle Thursday

Okay today is NOT Friday, that is true but there's reasons for why I'm posting this entry today one is that for the last few days I've been very much in Middle/Little space sometimes doing things like interactive 'play' with others, adding bits to imaginary adventures, playing more with dolls and plushies using my imagination to create stories in which they act out roles or just cuddling up for an hour or during the day in addition to sleeping with my Teddy, Theo.
Sometimes it can perverse but spending time around say websites around little life sometimes can take you out of it either because you get locked into more into the search than the exploration of personal little space or sometimes more grown up issues may seep into it pushing your way from that whole feel you came looking for.
There can be times when such things may not be helped when people who have differences that they feel the need to express, don't take that directly to those who need to hear them so bringing others down.
That's way I try to limit some of the time I spend online concentrating more on recreating that feeling that I find so beneficial to my life so my middle time is more 'real', real to me as experienced by me.
There is only so much you can do with a second hand experience as good as looking at others experiences and techniques can be and that takes me to the final reason for why this is being posted today.
That's because I'm going to a friends where I can be very much my Middle self having a real middle experience that'll add to my memory of them, something that you just can't get in virtual life.

A message from the past

Hi!

Something I am working through is the process of getting more in touch  more  with  my innerchild, her emotions and her past as recalled and expressed in her own emotional aged voice that can get buried in what may be more Big World problems.
I'm having fun engaging in child voiced play through which she expresses herself with other 'innerkids' doing the same just being themselves in their own world and exploring things.
Sometimes it's the past that holds the key to those things that continue to affect how you see things and shape your responses to given situations like the extent you feel you may trust another or feeling anxious socially.
And those things unless you deal with them run on into the present by with people directly involved in your life or wish to have at some future point too.
Getting to a point the past is better understood, the real lessons learnt being able to move on from those all too real road blocks is one of my main aims.
It's also clear from discussion elsewhere sometimes even your encounters as that little (or middle) at this point in your life may bring issues that may leave you sad or hurt emotionally by they feeling abandoned, receiving hurtful comments and the like that you may need to work through.

Spanking needs review

I’ve been busy this week after the difficulties I had last week although as I’m sure you saw I did cope pretty well with them, arguably better than I’ve done in any point of my life, getting those things that are important done first and the primary task of handing in my end of term task will be done on time.
I had been offered the opportunity of leaving off my weekly mentors report given the emotional difficulties but declined because I find the review process helpful in assessing how I’m feeling around my general state of mind and how I feel about myself not least my abilities to regulate better my life. It’s hard for some to understand without my specific difficulties but it takes something like that a structured exercise to get me to reflect on those feelings. I’m not generally good at processing stuff without some input or ‘push’.

I have been asked to consider if it is a set of regular maintenance spankings I am needing  or if is discipline spanking.As it is about 7 month into being mentored it’s worth talking about as I’ve had some experience to judge how my bottom is best spanked to help me.

Maintenance spanking is more a light series of spankings carried out without any infractions being committed usually with something  like the hand or a wooden spoon although some may use a hairbrush but with less force than normal.
The general aim is to keep you  on track and re-connect to your mentor while at some time allowing you to get a sense of emotional release and usually this is weekly although trying to avoid rituals like every Monday may help in maximizing the feeling.
Discipline spanking is more around enforcing obedience or training to say follow rules (some separate out Punishment spanking -punishment as penalty, some don’t)

My thoughts on this run that what I’m needing the majority, around two-thirds of the time is Discipline spanking. What is happening effectively is I’m being trained up to follow the rules that I’ve accepted around maintaining healthy life-style  habits and adopting co-operative ways of behaving in more the way you you’d raise a child because at the emotional and development level, that’s where am at.
So to a very large extent this all happens within a Middles headspace, with me as that child often dressed as one, disciplined as a child, over the knee (very much like the illustration) as a direct consequence for being disobedient in following the rules and that’s where my needs like a good many littles or middles are lie. For us the whole intimacy equates to a feeling of being loved and protected very much on a child-like child to parent model aka being a Caregiver in DD/lg terms.

There’s a smaller need around maintenance spanking maintaining that feeling of protection through acceptance of a junior role, keeping you on the right track and letting out the stresses that as a adult-child having to play a role as an adult you’re ill equipped for build up in you.
Having  my bottom spanked in a consistent, compassionate and fair way  has been the bestest Christmas present this girl ever had so sorting out  how I’m to be continued to be spanked from now on is a great thing to help me grow.