Being 'there'

Sometimes you just might wonder why things happened the way they did.

That was one thought I was left with just listening to various people as they talked about their lives and experiences in completely random way with no real script or anything not that I usually do much of that and today I'm reflecting on something happened a few years ago.

I mean the only time I really talked much would of been the first week at my boarding school where Miss Howes asked me to speak about myself to the class, most of which had known each other for at least several months probably because of believing my family life was just so embarrassing with no real "small talk" and in part cos I felt much younger than most of the class.

It was kind of odd to feel able to share something that was actually about rather than of me and that was I had done something for the first time albeit with supervision.

I had managed to make cakes.

Truthfully the way things were at home, you might as well of put up "Keep Out" signs on the kitchen cos that was off limits when it came do doing anything at all like fixing a hot drink, a sandwich or whatever.

I'm not really sure how much it was fear of risks and how my perhaps of been subconsciously dealing with guilt by providing everything but what people might call 'life-skills'  where not things I knew as much as anything else no one had ever really taught me them. They just assumed I'd pick it up and duly noted "Does not".

Equally I was never expected to help out making meals even if you'd though for one thing I rather feel more a part of a family unit and actually it would help me which was  part of the reason why it the person I was staying with had me in the kitchen learning and actually doing with supervision and direct hands on assistance at times preparing vegetables for a cottage pie, sealing the minced meat and such like.

One of things they are helping with is learning to contribute directly and understand what sorts of things society expects you to when you're with people so I can co-operate better whereas to a large extent disengaging had been my norm.

That meal was the more tastier for having made a substantial contribution to its creation by labouring even with my limitations. 

In so  many ways then, that weekend was quite a important one for and the better for being shared with friends.

Jo pulls out the stops

One area I have always struggled with is staying focused or even being a single focused spot as I tend very much to be overwhelmed when it comes to stimulation and sensual input so tend to oscillate  around ideas so the tight circular focus  I might  need  becomes at least more oval shaped.
This at least when it comes to getting things done is never a good thing with me especially when it's been very warm as it was for part of last week with a greater risk of me me running low on spoons and wasting the spoons I have to get things done  by not going with the greater needs first.
I think it speaks volumes for how in the last few years I have come on since I recognized I had certain life skills issues that I needed outside help with, their preparedness to be really firm with me and your support too that for all of that and I felt rough for a chunk of last week, I did stay on top of everything that actually mattered and didn't lash out at people.
I'm just sorry I drifted off to sleep during chat.

Thank you.

The A to Z of Jo staying with you

When you get to see this I will be almost ready to go away for a few days so in the intervening time I have been super busy organizing my transportation, making sure I take what I need and that it is all been properly washed and any outstanding business is taken care off.

 

When it comes to going away things are always different with me compared to most in that in the first instance whoever I stay with assumes some responsibility for me because of the limits on my abilities not just physically but also when it comes to my abilities to exercise responsibility and make quick judgments.

In a good many respects I have the position and all the authority of a teen girl staying with relatives because while I do have a say, the higher level decisions are made for me and I am subject to house rules in a direct way.

This is for a number of reasons such as I struggle with options, often getting confused around implications and consequences to the point of just freezing over, often I require supervision to make sure breaks and get to bed at a reasonable time so I have a no later than bedtime and can be sent to bed if I'm tired.

I do wear uniform when I am with them at all times except if we're going in a place where regular folk congregate such shops and the like.

Also I am scolded and spanked by them should I be dishonest, disobedient or disrespectful to them or anyone else during that period as most adult ways of dealing with this just don't work with me but that does.

To be honest, I find this actually quite a lot better for me not least for it is a less anxious experience, that if I do mess up (and I'm prone to it) at least everything is over and done with and as necessary I'm helped to put things right to other peoples satisfaction where whenever I had been with people before I just messed up and we just got to the point I was dead nervous about going and they'd be left feeling they'd 'have' to take me or I was for a forever kind of punishment.

That it ties in with my little/middle side and its needs helps to keep some inner tensions down between trying impersonate a grown up and in many ways the lack of such a side in me which just added to the difficulties following higher level discussion of the sort you expect of adults.

It is also helping me more deal with my emotions, sorting some of my attitudes out which people just faced with a potential meltdown in adult company didn't deal with.

Dynamics in a little /middle relationship

Part and parcel of the entire thing around being a little or middle is centred on the rolling back of post adolescent control (assuming  you got to point developmentally you took that from adults such as parents) on an agreed basis to another trusted adult as if they were the parent of an adult-child called you.
One reason this happens is because in order to let out our child-like feelings to the fullmost extent, it requires the security that someone else will take care of our higher needs in terms of keeping safe, having good  habits and behaviours.
It may be rather like with people such as me actually you didn't quite make it that far anyway so in that context you'd be doing a part of that anyway keeping me safe but in a Caregiver role it builds on it respecting the extent to which I'm not functionally an adult and so by agreement treating more as a child even if you do work on some personal independence.
However that situation is, there is a need, a desire to provide guidance, direction and maintain clear boundaries in much the same way as there between actual children and adults such as parents and others in authority that may cover things such as manners, personal hygiene, obeying and respecting what you are told and so on. Somethings may seem trivial such as elbows on tables others more serious but the point here is to ensure you are in your place following the rules and in much the same way as a parent is, your Caregiver is in theirs, in control, having the final say in your life to teach you what you need to know.
The whole relationship dynamic plays out in the everyday situations between adult-child you and whoever is your Caregiver or disciplinarian as you either forget or purposely push the boundaries.
Their role by agreement is the reinforcement of that role and the enforcement of the rules so that you learn over time by repetition what it is you are expected to do and to keep to them.
This whole process is called disciplining and as little/middles it is we have agreed to, often feeling it is  what it is we need and are by agreement subject to while children are but don't as legal children need to consent to it.

For many of us it will start with scolding, bring very much to the focus what we have done and what it is that is wrong with our attitude or behaviour. That's kept short with me because of my problems understanding what is said to me but does happen.
The next step is the consequence for what we did which is often a spanking, typically over the knee that might by hand or implement such as a hairbrush/paddle but may involve say the cane depending on what both of you have agreed on.
They may be time spent in the corner reflecting on what you did as your now sore bottom hurts.
What is important is reassurance-reassurance that you are a good boy/girl, that you will learn from this, that you are forgiven and loved. Ideally they should be prepared to work you with tackling why you needed disciplining because that's their responsibility in the relationship and some getting a genuine sense satisfaction from reparenting their little.
For me this whole thing is  me placing in the emotional/developmental setting that's appropriate for me - that of a child - and doesn't include any sexual motivations or related adult kinks.
To me it is the place I feel comfortable in where my vulnerabilities will be both respected and protected, not expected to cope with those things I cannot so I am happy to allow trusted adults to have a more openly parental role treating me more as a child they look after and discipline outside of my own Caregiver.

Littleness, regresssion and age-play

As ever on Tumblr there's a battle going on between people over what being a little is and any involvement of those under 18 in it however as ever there is more heat than light being generated by the keyboard warriors with many meme's and posts being put up and commented on.
This one is quite well intentioned in trying to explain the difference between age-playing and what emotionally appropriate behaviour that comes from being in actual state of regression where your responses come from the child within and less than any kind of scripted character you play.

 I do feel they have however got Little Space actually quite wrong because that is the emotional and behavioural environment  that as  a person who has regressed you have got into - you feel and so respond as that child - and not the act of being a little.
To get into it it is true you need to regress or otherwise release that child within an adult body or if you are like me not to have developed into it fully anyway.
There are some who are trying to put in a schism between the ChIRes advocates of littleness by regression and that of Caregiver/littles who are being characterized as a part of of the more 'adult' bsdm side.
For  me the whole point in a CG/l relationship is effectively that while in that headspace the Caregiver is providing the love, nurturing and support that is the equal of a parent or guardian arising from those needs as their little you have.
It is not necessarily sexual although some may enjoy that however meeting any sexual needs may find themselves which might be only in their 'Big' side of life.
They are not so much opposites degrees in which individuals chose to live their lives making informed decisions recognizing as appropriate the issues of informed consent as the bottom line always is that as adults legally only we can consent-minors regardless of any other feelings simply cannot deemed the responsibility of others such as parent(s) or guardians.

Emotions

One of the great things about the Disney movie Inside Out was how it showed the emotions Riley experienced clearly and how that impacted on her attitude and behaviour clearly identifying them
Identifying our emotions is actually quite hard for some of us which does lead into other problem areas such as being able to tell people how we feel and also regulate them as it's as if you have two states, full on or squashed.

 *Picture source vox.com
Actually although this chart was done for the movie, it is surprisingly helpful for those of who have these problems because you can easily tell where the overlapping of base emotions  lead  as they are clearly labelled so you can better thing through for yourself what you're feeling and communicate it to significant people in your life so they understand what you're feeling being better able to guide you managing the resulting emotions and behaviour you exhibit.
Learning to manage them is important.

Summer LG Camp extras

My main blog entry  Summer LG Camp 2016 covers the major account of my six days  including Summer 2016 LG Camp  that I attended such as activities that I was involved in and so on but this is more the reflections on the experience as I experienced it emotionally.
As an adult little girl who is more on the Middle side for me this whole thing is rather like the Caregiver/little side of things in that it is a space to allow the child-like me out to play and interact as if I was an actual child at a emotional age appropriate level for me, the one impacted significantly by my developmental/learning disabilities that in so many ways I function ordinarary and with no choice at that level.
It's hardly age-play, I mean I didn't choose it, it just the hand I was given and it's a matter of learning to make the most of the only life I have.
I have been interested as much as I'm more around upper UK juniors and first year senior side about things more associated with younger children as for example I've always been drive to spin or rattle things such as whizzing tape reels around or enjoying the sound of winding a cassette back with a pencil or impulsively leaping to a rattle.
While I was away a "Baby Gym" with a pretty patterned mat and mobiles that made noises had been set out and I though, "Right, it's a quiet area" and decided to have a bit of a play with it.
It only took a few minutes and I sensed myself shifting to a younger more tactile headspace playing with it so while I may not identify with AB, some things from it could be in my little space needs that benefit from being met.
The other large side to this that for this whole period I am in a setting where my behaviour and attitudes are under the gaze of adults with authority over me and where I know I will be taken to one side and spanked without exception for any breaches of what I know isn't acceptable.
I do tend to ignore no's blanking them out or get into oppositional behaviour because my emotional side is running at a child's and not even necessary a maturing teen level and spanking is part of the way I'm being managed to put a stop to this to help me mature within my limitations in the way I generally wasn't before.
In that way I'm in the middle/little headspace where Authority has the final say and I am slowly learning, changing my behaviour so much so that I didn't need a spanking just doing what I am expected or am told to do with no back chat.
Connected with that is that they are challenging my low expectations of not just what I can do but of what it is I am to be expected to do from now on to help me grow up a little, taken on a bit more personal responsibility and contribute more to.
In this way they're putting me through growing pains and strict discipline to move me from where I had been parked.
Some of this showed for example in the Games morning where in the past I'd of not taken part in things that I both find difficult with my physical as well as developmental/learning disabilities such as being rubbish at archery, not understanding instructions well, poor co-ordination and lack of strength I'd of gone down the route of oppositional behaviour but I was informed I was to bring my games kit, put it on and be in a team regardless.
In other words I was to adopt a more grown up mature approach which would be overseen to help me with them ensuring I co-operated.
I am so thankful as hard going doing this is, they're putting me through it because I need help to change and be the best I can, not the least I can get away with.

I Guess I'm Different Part II

Well last weeks bit of a post created some interest amongst those that ready my comments at various forums and art based sites where I am publishing some short back to the past regressive stories.

One of things across this blog I've been talking about is what is me.
I'd normally hesitate to use a term like define because it seems to me define often excludes those things I may share with people for saying how I'm not the same as when to me at least what you are includes both.
It's also the case that self realization can lead at the very least to a reframing of what that definition may include if not a wholesale change.
Change is constant but the biggest constant in all of this for me the lack of of an adult sense of self and of place in the presence of others who are adults by age; My relationship to you is defined by me looking toward you for guidance and authority because you are the adult I am not and cannot be.
The answer to the question what is my sense of place is simple: I am a girl and much less a woman.
By the standards of most I'm not 'normal' in that way not least for the role my developmental disabilities play in this that means for me it's not 'age play' so much as 'emotional and developmental age is'. It's the not normalness of me that actually is my strength and what is wonderful about me.
The thing is then we must be honest about these needs and work through ways of meeting them so I'm emotional and developmental age treated approximately for the girl I am for me to make the most of myself and contribute to society rather than ignoring the elephant in the room.

I guess I'm different

This is an extra bit to the World of Joanne_chan entry of July 4th 2016 Summer Day Out
If part of the reason for being away for a day was to avoid the stress and life sucking nature of post Brexit political fall out which had left me feeling really quite flat and a bit edgy there were others things too.
One is it provide me an opportunity to see how what I have learnt  since the rule book with me was changed with having people such as my caregiver providing a lot of support, teaching coping mechanisms to deal with stressful situations, understanding more of how my behaviour impacts on others and how spanking me is leading to changed attitudes since that came back into my life.
Without a shadow of a doubt  being on the streets on a Saturday using stores  is a one of the most stressful things for me most of which are related to things such as my poor co-ordination which shows in weaving between crowds, my dyslexia when it comes to reading and finding items in space, my audio processing disorders making out what is said especially with background noises.
Also my learning/developmental disabilities come in  such as not understanding what it is that I'm being told, what it means, feeling lost 'freezing over' at the counter requiring to be prompted and treated more like a child generally.
I am still having some freezing with two assistants asking if I was okay but with their help we got through this. I also felt able enough to deal with questions and attempts to sell me other things by turning them down but politely rather than either just going along with it cos I so wanted to leave the store signing anything or getting very  cross with them.
I found some people who could help me with crossing the road on my own without pelican crossings because I have poor road sense and even with them I get scared in case cars don't stop.
I'm also not good with directions, getting lost easily.
You see I am different. I am a child-like adult who needs to be treated more that way given support to be be as independent I can and still subject to child-like rules and structures.
When you do that, I have a better life than if you pretended I was 'normal' as if I had no more needs than any regular adult.

Daddy's girl

Just been getting things ready to visit a adult who I'll stay with for two and a bit days which involves finding my travel stuff like my washbag and my clothes which are generally what they wish me to be in when in their company as the 'child' they look after.

 Having done quite a bit of that I'm just lying across the bed relaxing a bit before I eat and thinking about about this life of mine .
It's quite a bit different than it was several years back because in so many ways I'm  back to where I was as a competent child whose special needs are being dealt with by Daddy, who is in touch with me across each day making sure I'm alright, not feeling troubled because he cares enough to check.
My daddy talks with me most nights before sleep about the day so I have a proper bedtime routine and when he judges I am feeling tired he makes sends me to bed straight away with  with bedtimes kisses.
I have this emotional intimacy with him as his girl who he cares for in way I've never had  before trusting him to help me make decisions  and equally I show my love for him by taking an interest in his life, health and work.
I love my daddy so much I want to obey him as daddy's girl subject to his loving correction.
The one thing I know for sure is I am truly fortunate to have daddy that loves and protects me as his own.

Resting paw edition

It's been a quiet week for me after Weekends schooling  where I did pretty well with my English and Math studying I had some moving of things to do with changing bits of my stereo and what was to changed was both heavy about 8 kilos, an awkward shape and needed wiring in.
The trouble is I've badly strained both my hands which as anyone who knows me are aware happen to be badly damaged from an industrial injury to the point I'm incapable of work.

Thing is this is 2016, not 1994 so it is no longer just me involved in looking after me so may ways my Caregiver has the final say in ensuring I take care of it, which as anti-inflammatories were stopped because of the problems to my tummy, means I have to rest.
To be more accurate, My caregiver has ordered me rest in order to recover as his little and any willful reckless disregarding will result  in a spanking just like it would for more tween me as I'm to take proper responsibility for my well-being and he is making me do it from now on.
This what being in a Caregiver/little relationship breaks down to: they take loving care of you as their child with them having the final say and you do what your Caregiver says or live with consequences you will be given.

On having a Caregiver

Papa Bear is my main Caregiver.
There is a difference between being a Mentor and a Caregiver because while both have a kind of relationship between them and you and both have some element of teaching new skills and dealing with attitudes that may set you back, the main one is it has a deep  personal emotional level to it regardless of it is a 'fostering', 'live in' or long distance one.
You have this emotional connection to you Caregiver that has some level of intimacy (not necessarily sexual) that allows the use of pet names and terms between you that wouldn't be in the 'professional' ethics of a Mentor.
You are their little girl or boy to care for emotionally either face to face or virtually, spending time being engaged socially an playfully with you very much as a child, you may sit on your lap or have your hair played with or be caressed or hugged.
It just feels...different.
My Papa Bear believes strongly in reinforcing the rules about my attitudes and behaviour where he feels it needed to bring them under control as the Adult in charge of me.

I am spanked by him as he feels I need it and to be truthful there a good number of times I do and as my papa it his accepted role to raise me as his Little Girl and that includes disciplining me. I accept it because it is a part of his caring for me that he will never allow me to get away with anything that isn't in my best interests.

That care also runs into giving advice on things like when I should go bed, looking after myself when I'm unwell to help me take better care of myself so I become more responsible within my my limitations.

It's a total package.

I have been allowed to getaway with a lot in the recent past which has spoilt me and failed to correct patterns that have made lots of problems for me

On my attitudes

There are plus points to being very much a adult child not least when like for me it is developmentally what you are but it also means I have the same sorts of reactions as a child in certain situations leading to situations that can be trying.
One area of attitudes I do have problems in is regulating my emotions  being impulsive, quick to act and quick to just say things without understanding what is wrong with the way I'm saying it if not the words.
I tend to raise my voice to people who contradict my wants, not paying any attention to them or not  respect any authority so I challenge, make excuses for not going along with it and delay what I am told to do to 'get out of it'
I don't do as I'm told.
I appeal to authority figures but only obey you after making the appeal and then my appeal is demanding and disrespectful of your authority.
Generally I'm not prepared and willing to obey either way and accept your decision with a good attitude.
Some of this has been reinforced through being encourage to stand my ground  against anyone who'd treat me badly because of my disabilities and I'm used to going on the defensive feeling you're picking on me or feeling you should cut me a special deal.

I need you to teach me how I am to treat you and anyone else in my life who has authority over me, setting the standards and reinforcing the boundaries so I learn to instinctively respect them which I don't now.
I need you to scold and correct me so I learn what I was meant to had done when I was younger and be prepared to spank me without fail so I understand the consequences of my failure to recognize your authority over me.

Roadmaps?

It's kind of funny how it is you find the inspiration you need  when and where you may least expect it such as this drawing by TheLatestKate on Tumblr.

Tumblr is a funny place in that all manner of things can be found on there, sometimes original texts or as in this instance art amongst a vast forest of straight reblogging of everyone elses so sometimes you see the same thing several times over not helped by encourage people to reblog things that may not even be their own just because someone got there first.

But actually, to get back the post itself,  when I first started this blog and got on a few sites sites way back when, truly I had no real idea of where everything would lead, never mind the series of connections and roundabouts I'd go through tryin' to figure it what was I was and what it was I wanted and needed.

Some of directions like one I wrote about April last where I found I I always had sissy traits even though I control the exact form that may come out as as really gender re-assignement does nothing for my own sense of gender identity - I don't see myself as a female trapped in a male body.

Sometimes I with my disabilities actually lacked the language to articulate and even look for what it was I was really looking for  even if in some respects it had been staring me in the face from when I first realized on the onset of my teens that actually I didn't feel that,had none of the 'push toward establishing an adolescent self' cos actually developmentally I was and remain very much the child.

 
What I did want was a kind of new forever parent type figure I could relate to as that child, who was going to be the adult I'd relate to AS that child being cared for and where necessary chastised as that child because those were and are my actual needs.

In other words what I was wanting in my life was Caregiver for the middle with a little side me not a plain vanilla type relationship nor one just centred on  full on BDSM.

On restoration

Restoration

Restoring the balance both at home with my parents and with other adults trying to get so a kind of natural order is there is very much what the last fifteen or so months of my life has been about, been given a proper place in those relationships, subject to their adult authority at all times.
When I look back at how things were at the start of this I can see how unsatisfactory the way I interaction at home and with other adults were, doing pretty much what I pleased no matter how they may of felt about or been effected by it.
I had a okay relationship with Mom and poor one with Dad and didn't really feel bonded to other adults at all so things did not run anything like smoothly for a lot of the time.
It wasn't that I was necessarily super obnoxious but I could not truthfully say I was exactly well behaved either having little sense of boundaries and parental and other adult guidance in my life.
It felt that I'd been been left without any guidance but being expected to know what to do when in fact I had no idea about how to behave.
That was when during Christmas 2014 when the external guidance started and as time went by other people followed through with everything changed although it took time.
This was when there now was a set of House Rules and similar rules for other adults brought into my life with very real consequences for any breach of those rule.
These included  being scolded, having my knickers taken down to be spanked or caned without fail and having to carry out any restitution straightaway.

Of course I didn’t become perfect overnight, but gradually, week by week, the new discipline code began to turn my behaviour and attitude around and as the adults recast as disciplinarians began to feel this wonderful sense of positive empowerment to act because they cared. Every time they took me over their lap I felt that at last I was receiving a way of providing me with the kind of positive guidance that I needed. I felt that they were giving me exactly what I needed, at exactly the right time in my life and I could see that I was absolutely thriving on this old-fashioned form of discipline.

It wasn't that it was all discipline, because it did include face to face discussions about my behaviour and conduct and what my many limitations being allowed for, I could and should be expected to do better together with rewards so it was recognized when I did really well to help me form a sense, a belief, in my ability to do the right thing .

This restoration  went hand in hand with having me dress more as that adult child often in her uniform as a learned to accept and co-operate with adult authority  I resembled their child subject to their adult authority with that uniform signifying my acceptance  of their rules and the spanking that I subject to in it.

Spanking I would say in my experience is an excellent form of discipline for girls who like me are over 18 and live at home or with adults to help learn how to conduct ourselves and adopt good personal habits

Middle bedrooms

A big chunk of the other blog is more around the life of a Middle while this looks at the other aspects of being a middle with a littleside but given the connectedness a post around it is justified.
The bedroom of a Middle I feel should be as close to that of a Tween or younger teen as possible not necessarily tradition in it's furnishings but true to original intent of being her place of rest and sleep, away from the buzz of daytime.
It should be very much an expression of her girlish innocence with cute simple bedding with matching curtains and lightshades with just what she needs to get her beauty sleep in and nothing more being free from techo attractions calling her as she lies in bed.
There will be shelving for her plushies, teddies and dollies that are not in her bed or positioned on her chair as well as her books with a small rack for current comics that she reads by herself with a small angle right.
One thing there will not be is a place for her cellphone or netbook to be resting because you will have her hand them over to you as her Caregiver before she goes to bed and be given then once she is up because you are responsible for her as her privilege.
You may restrict other technology such as audio or tv stuff  preferring her to share with others and view with you to help keep a close shared bond alive rather than have retreat to a inner world avoiding conversation.
There will be a wardrobe with enough space to hang her clothes including her uniform properly on hangers with space for shoes and slippers and draws for her underwear in addition to the cute nightdresses and pj's you'll put her in like the Middle with little side she is.
The overall feel will be light and airy with lots of space to twirl around in and walk along with ease across the whole room.
You will have rules about keep it tidy being prepared to work with her but you will spank her bottom firmly in the room when she fails too without good reason so she learns the importance in doing this and following the rules.

Reflections on past incidents

This week I've been reminded of some of the distance I've travelled following the start of this blog and a number of events in my life that were very traumatic for me following my second best friends recent emotional upset following a number of events one of which centred around being filmed without permission in a small group and the other feeling overwhelmed by people demand their services for free just cos she's popular.
Much of that reminding came through recall of the incidents in trying to explain something however imperfectly about what I learned from them that helped me move past that may be of some use or comfort that even thinking about upset me.
Some of my thoughts and my problems around those events were that I never really processed them emotionally so much as attempted to stick them in the (emotional) trash can so they were hanging around and finding myself by accident processing them this week helped in drawing a line under what had happened.
I saw a site that had go in for some really heavyweight verbal abuse and liable at that time have people post on it this week that actually they never had an issue with me and some saying they didn't understand why it had all started in the first place when at the time it had left me feeling very frightened, vulnerable and even wanting to take my life.
I remembered all too well the nervous breakdown from 2006/7 when I had a very important community role with financial and other responsibilities where it was I was being left with essential tasks others with greater abilities  and non of my 'adult' functioning problems while willing left me alone to deal with them and a public who expected way too much.
That was the moment I had to ungrow up and acknowledge a painful truth, that the era of pretend and masking needed to stop because functionally I was at the level and abilities of a child and simply could not cope with the sort of adult responsibilities such roles expected of me.
As  one employed person of said organization whose name I won't mention on the internet said "I really had to shield and protect her (me) from what she was expected to do and cope  with".
I left them with a excellent testimonial thanks to that person for what I had managed to do and started to work on rebuilding the links to my Inner Child and in time letting her out, feeling more at ease of being the chronological adult who is child in all other respects with same needs and interests.
I moved forward in my life by embracing and moving back to the past - my past and being the child I am.

Six days with Miss

I've just returned from spending six days with friends away for which there will be a post on my main blog about cos that's really more about what we did at the big old property in East Anglia together age playing for want of a better expression.
Well that's the expression my second best friend ever calls it and she's pretty much on the ball when it comes to this stuff because at least the both of us while we're there are in our younger selves character, doing what comes naturally to us.
Since last year though I have a 'go-to' person who isn't a classic Caregiver but more an Aunt type character with some caring, mentoring sides who I spend quite a bit of time with literally under their roof.
You see for me this whole six days started off being with them where from the minute they meet me at the rail station everything changes because the relationship we have is one where they are the Adult Authority Figure who is looking after me as a child having authority over me.
They are to be addressed by me by their Title, they have quite a bit of input into how I am dressed nearly always as a child in their presence (typically school uniform) and they always have the final say with me.
As the Aunt like person they have household rules I am to go along with and am expected to do what I'm told straightaway with no backchat.
Being with them is therefore so much like the whole stopping with actual childhood Aunts and Uncles for vacations and short stays I grew up with which I loved for all that routine.
There is something else in our relationship, which is as their child I am subject to and that is when and wherever I am with them, they do discipline me on the spot often using spanking and other forms of corporal punishment as they feel fit if either say I didn't do something I  am am expected to because I'm capable of it or for being cheeky and the like.
Having been spanked by them I know it's no idol threat and as anyone whose read this blog knows it does really help as painful as it is to keep me in line apart from getting rid of past bad attitudes of which I've a good number unfortunately.
For then this thing outside of the time spent with our friends is very much time with a age-play parental situation in real time which is ideal for me as not only does it help to keep me in Middle Space as a junior it provides the structured very strict parenting I need.
A kind of alternative family.

On character

 

When you scratch the surface, although I may know of the world, fundamentally I'm  an innocent  little girl who just likes to suck lollipops, skip enjoying cute things and having fun than the things older teens and adults generally get up to who deserves to have that respected.

I may get things wrongs and sometimes be naughty but not a bad little girl at heart, far from it.

Spanking needs review

I’ve been busy this week after the difficulties I had last week although as I’m sure you saw I did cope pretty well with them, arguably better than I’ve done in any point of my life, getting those things that are important done first and the primary task of handing in my end of term task will be done on time.
I had been offered the opportunity of leaving off my weekly mentors report given the emotional difficulties but declined because I find the review process helpful in assessing how I’m feeling around my general state of mind and how I feel about myself not least my abilities to regulate better my life. It’s hard for some to understand without my specific difficulties but it takes something like that a structured exercise to get me to reflect on those feelings. I’m not generally good at processing stuff without some input or ‘push’.

I have been asked to consider if it is a set of regular maintenance spankings I am needing  or if is discipline spanking.As it is about 7 month into being mentored it’s worth talking about as I’ve had some experience to judge how my bottom is best spanked to help me.

Maintenance spanking is more a light series of spankings carried out without any infractions being committed usually with something  like the hand or a wooden spoon although some may use a hairbrush but with less force than normal.
The general aim is to keep you  on track and re-connect to your mentor while at some time allowing you to get a sense of emotional release and usually this is weekly although trying to avoid rituals like every Monday may help in maximizing the feeling.
Discipline spanking is more around enforcing obedience or training to say follow rules (some separate out Punishment spanking -punishment as penalty, some don’t)

My thoughts on this run that what I’m needing the majority, around two-thirds of the time is Discipline spanking. What is happening effectively is I’m being trained up to follow the rules that I’ve accepted around maintaining healthy life-style  habits and adopting co-operative ways of behaving in more the way you you’d raise a child because at the emotional and development level, that’s where am at.
So to a very large extent this all happens within a Middles headspace, with me as that child often dressed as one, disciplined as a child, over the knee (very much like the illustration) as a direct consequence for being disobedient in following the rules and that’s where my needs like a good many littles or middles are lie. For us the whole intimacy equates to a feeling of being loved and protected very much on a child-like child to parent model aka being a Caregiver in DD/lg terms.

There’s a smaller need around maintenance spanking maintaining that feeling of protection through acceptance of a junior role, keeping you on the right track and letting out the stresses that as a adult-child having to play a role as an adult you’re ill equipped for build up in you.
Having  my bottom spanked in a consistent, compassionate and fair way  has been the bestest Christmas present this girl ever had so sorting out  how I’m to be continued to be spanked from now on is a great thing to help me grow.