1,300th post

Do you know something? This happens to be1300th post here at The Dorm which is quite a milestone (not a Millstone) in its history.

 Indeed it almost never really got started between pressures from my career and having an early version of a blogging tool that was used for more mainstream "big" posts  and if you really want to know the truth, actually I'd of much sooner just had this one cos it's everything about me.

When I say everything, I mean starting with having this very much childlike (but not childish) little girl side that has never gone away , enjoying the simpler things of life like dolls, teddies, engaging in children's games and interests.

It's taken me to different places, meeting some remarkable people who share the same side mixed in with their more groan up side all trying to balance both sides of themselves and sometimes with having partners too.

It's also the only blog that deals with an important side of my life quite openly, that I am transgendered and how that taps into issues from my own childhood, having an inner girl child and has lead to me presenting as that female both at home and increasingly in the presence of others, something that has helped me an awful lot.

Our community, the alg community, has supported in its own way, me in all of this.
In this blog I do talk from time to time about things such as music, books and anime which have been great interests of mine for a while but in a different way, more from how they tie into my past and the child within me which sometimes by accident has occurred elsewhere as ultimately I can only be me wherever I may post.

To mark the occasion of this 1,300th post we've taken a break as I was editing iD tags for some music files that were messed up before loading in the micro sd card. We all know that stuff often needs sorting.

The countdown before CatMas continues next week.

A message from the Plushies II

Been a bit busy tidying up this week removing magazines that soon build up and the likes and  I thought I'd post about something that is troubling me.

 One group appears to have a "one set of rules for some and another for all else" running through who can be in a private group on a popular messaging site, the way people can know about any group activities - only seeing the information WHEN you've been added to the list so you never know to even register an interest before and not even getting back to your messages.

Ideas for a back up channel if one long running LG site has issues using the same provider are just ignored without comment even though they know the old Yahoo system had ceased working a while back and there is no list on site of Moderators so if anyone has a concern they can raise directly.

 

 Time to just cuddle your plushies while this carry on continues.

Advent edition

Well, it's a brand new Month tomorrow which by coincidence  also marks the start of the great countdown otherwise known as Advent which from childhood always was a magical thing aided by having a calendar.

 
Way back then, they were card based  with you pulling back a flap to uncover various things and at least in our house, nominally religious in character.

 This is a very nomable which is currently atop of a short floor standing bookcase facing the front room window cos I don't care anymore. 

 
A middle lives in this house and does stuff like this apart from colouring her Frozen colouring in most days!

 
Just open a door each day, eat some chocolate and see the days before Christmas go before your very eyes.

Here I'm always back in time, probably cos I never really went forward.

 

That's how I see me in my head in a lot of respects and anyone expecting much else is likely to have a very very long wait.

Future arrivals

I don't know if we'll ever see this outside but there is always something approaching the feel of camaraderie whenever we are together having fun together and yes if you hadn't worked it out I do look rather more like the girl of far left even if I'd happily lose a couple of inches in height.

You see unless you have actually spent time as a little or middle then as much as I'm of fan of online groups and clubs you are missing that face to face interaction with other age regressors being in effect children together playing with the spontaneity that brings, recreating that time and space when that was all that mattered.

Everybody's 'day' is bound to be different, we played with differing things, watch different things on tv and with the exception of "Smartphone culture", the thing is they have more in common with each other than you might think.

 

That means however 'old' in terms of birth certificate age  you might be you're all around the same level which makes sense as childhood and from that childhood revisited is a space a person from a level of social, emotional, physical and intellectual development resides and that is how it is with me.

Being in with others is what I love the most and where god willing we'll be next year when this pandemic can be laid to rest.

VE Day reflections

A warmish bright morning here after the warm sunny VE Day weekend and I got another T Rex cd album to enjoy on headphones or stereo via my Fiio music player, I thought I'd get around to doing today.

There can be little arguing this pandemic is having an effect on relating patterns as people who are more used to being expected to make up their own minds are in in effect are just being told "this is what you will do".

For some of us that isn't a negative because we need and even crave that authority in order to do the right thing cos we can't rely on us doing it right straight off.

Personally I miss being able to be with the person who provides much of the stability and resistance to help me grow within my limits, who has me in uniform and who is prepared to dish out hard spankings to make sure I learn from my mistakes.

Age Regression

What we mean by age regression sadly isn't well understood by the wider public even if in the last ten years or so it has more of an acceptance by health professionals and people engaged more in the world of mental well-being.
I think the first thing we need to say is being in a child-like state of mind doesn't mean we are not cognizant that physically  we are that chronological age recorded by law and therefore governed by law, rules and to a point custom that apply to it.
To put it another way if we're over the age of majority then that does mean those things that are inappropriate  to be engaged in with an actual child still apply even if we see ourselves as being one still.
If as I did I started regressing in my teens elements of the same did come into play too even if then I was under the Minor umbrella cos somethings you may do at say sixteen aren't appropriate to doing around younger kids either. 
It's no more a route into hurting kids than medicine, teaching, or being involved in any activity that may involve working with kids regardless of some of the ignorant comments you may read might suggest because boundaries still apply.
The second thing is there's no magical age of transition from play to 'serious' activity alone with many of things regarding social roles being formed out of economic necessity during the Industrial Revolution and the tendency in agricultural communities for everyone to pitch in doing what they could taking into account age to gather the crops in or work on garments to be sold to raise money.
The discovery of Childhood as we understand it today goes back to what Britishers would call the Victorian era, that's to say from the 1830's onward and the reaction to the previous eras seeing children as mini adults, being dressed as such, having to work and not being able to have time alone from adults to play.
If you look at the common driver of much of the legislation during this era it is to gradually reduce the hours and ages children worked, to provide for education and encourage a separate social life  for children alone through things such as play or crafts.
That space is created and then filled by children themselves.
Similarly for those of working age more free time has been made by law and custom so that even if of necessity we may work (and most of us do) then we too can play, explore or make things.
Age Regression is more a question of going back to that point in our lives as children  and acting on those feelings and interests we had and for a good number of us still have that we feel most comfortable with. 
The only difference is some of those things are more associated with being a child even though we all know adults must be involved as they design toys, test out construction kits or even get paid to play with Lego.
For a good number of us we find going back to more of our past lives therapeutic, putting in a place mentally we feel more comfortable, at one with ourselves being able to BE ourselves and for some work through emotional issues too.

What we need today

In a week that has seen much that has a major impact on us such as the political meltdown over "Brexit" in parliament and not least the Christchurch massacre on Friday that cost the lives of 49 innocents at prayer I think outside of our concerns and prayers we need to refocus on what is right in the world.

 SOURCE:ami-lkshake
This is also important if like me you are dealing with having to complete a form that is very negative in how it focuses  in the way you are impacted by your conditions because it leaves you feeling not just tired from doing it, but also with a very negative depressing view of your life.
We need to remember that life goes on, that we are human with the ability to feel and help others who are upset or ill.
We came into this world with an innocent heart that enjoyed the simple pleasures of life and even now those things can help us cope with what life throws at us  in time helping us to heal what is on our minds.
Even when we are are not well, to focus on those things helps our day.

Play and what we play with

 I'm feeling better this week so I thought I'd write something a little different than usual.

 Something I started noticing several years back when I first started buying my own stuffies and especially dolls was a difference between what some bought them for and what I did before getting involved around the world of littles.
One of things I found odd was what I later called the "collectors mentality" where people bought them in the original packaging and kept them permanently in that state, boxed up at best on shelf or otherwise in a storeroom.
To me they seemed to see them as objects that admittedly they liked  but the bais was clearly on maintaining that collectors item look and monetary value to the point they weren't handled and cherished even if they were intended for children who would play with them.
Personally, I buy my dolls and stuffies to play with although my porcelain ones are because of their delicateness are more handled than played with.
I take them out to sit by, hug whenever I feel the 'need' to hug or carry on in my hand around the house or wherever I am staying. I create stories featuring them which I then play with in real time together freely.
That's for me apart from those 'special dolls' they are my toys which as an adult child I play with in much the same way that I did as a child and as some saw me recently even gently rocking a pram with dollies.
It's what I get from playing with them that matters more to me than that whole collectors thing. 

The return of the school girl

Hi.
This is the first entry of September because I took a few days of from blogging cos I was going to be away for a few days so needed to use my time differently.
The first thing was packing cos I had a new once piece travel case as the handle on my old travel attache case broke which took some getting used to was it has a short compartment at the front for things like my tickets and timetables, a middle compartment for things I need immediately on arrival and a generous core for other things with a total weight capacity of 2.5 kg together with wheels to drag it around.
That meant I only that had my hello kitty hand luggage carrying bag which I kept Katie Kitten in as she helps me deal with social anxiety, cellphone, outbound ticket ready for inspection and hello kitty purse.
As we had had heavy showers up here, I did have my Peter Storm waterproof jacket with me too.
Given I didn't need to be out early I caught a later local bus to join the service calling at the North-west Midlands leading rail hub to travel down my friends.
I had a few damp moments between connections but despite warnings about signalling issues on the train, that went very smoothly with the train being on time so having come in at the station in this part of South Staffordshire, I was met and walked to the parking lot just beyond the station before a short car journey to their home.
Upon arrival I changed to my middle uniform a black tunic with a zip having my hello kitty slipper socks on over my white 3/4 white socks with bows.
Over the period I did a lot of colouring  taking my new pencils as well as my Frozen colouring with me to work on as well Lucy one of my dollies to play with which probably says a about why I spend my time with and at littles meets here in the UK.
It's to be in (for me) middle headspace, just enjoying things more associated with actual middles without the sophistication's or concerns of groan ups during that period, just some point where I'm focussed on small things  and not like being preoccupied with news or adult interests.

So it was a welcomed surprise to be working sat at a traditional school desk and chair in uniform  doing my colouring, something that mentally took me back in time, feeling very much that child in class in view of groan ups. It's a feeling I feel very comfortable with, bring back many memories  from my past.
This is so much me.
We had a lovely chicken roast and home made plum pudding for our evening meal enjoying a sing song and quiz in the evening until it was time for me to sleep on the couch in front of the fire which I quite like anyway.  It's the feline in me!
I had a good nights sleep after about twenty minutes ready for the next day.
I got up sometime around 7:30 which is actually a bit later than normal for me, had a wash and got dressed in good time for everyone to be up drink and talk.
As is my want I did play at being a cat making the appropriate movements with my paws and meowing between colouring.
We had a cooked breakfast that was much appreciated before I left to join my train on the way home.
After Auntie Andi had dropped me off at the station, I caught the 13:20 that calls at our rail hub and as I was feeling tired I got a taxi off the rank straight home to cut out the waiting in very good time, directing my driver who was from Mid-Cheshire.
Thanks to Jennifer and Susan (no other name or Gah!) for their cooking and hospitality and Auntie Andi for giving me  a lift back to the rail station,

The lead makes the colour...

Yeah I know, Tuesday isn't it but the groan ups mess my routine up yesterday that left me super tired  so yesterdays post comes a day later than scheduled and I might of gotten it done before bedtime had it not been for Marmalade playing hide and seek over over half an hour, tearing the lower floor of house apart trying to find him. Grrr.
Anyways, as you know Colouring is a pretty big thing with me and a large portion of us too but one problem I have is gripping and pressing on to pencils due to my disabilities.
It's no lie I can sometimes struggle to write me own name  at a times which makes colouring difficult as with most childrens pencils you need quite an impression to get darker shades and they can break real easy.
At the suggestion of Poppie, I decided to get some more pencils.

 

For one thing my pencils came in 12 colour pack so some of the colours I may need aren't there although I'm pretty good at blending colours to create say Fawn -some packs have different colour shades in them too - and these don't break so easy.

They're also designed  so you don't need to press much on them which is a very real boon for some of us and easier to blend.

A message from the past

Hi!

Something I am working through is the process of getting more in touch  more  with  my innerchild, her emotions and her past as recalled and expressed in her own emotional aged voice that can get buried in what may be more Big World problems.
I'm having fun engaging in child voiced play through which she expresses herself with other 'innerkids' doing the same just being themselves in their own world and exploring things.
Sometimes it's the past that holds the key to those things that continue to affect how you see things and shape your responses to given situations like the extent you feel you may trust another or feeling anxious socially.
And those things unless you deal with them run on into the present by with people directly involved in your life or wish to have at some future point too.
Getting to a point the past is better understood, the real lessons learnt being able to move on from those all too real road blocks is one of my main aims.
It's also clear from discussion elsewhere sometimes even your encounters as that little (or middle) at this point in your life may bring issues that may leave you sad or hurt emotionally by they feeling abandoned, receiving hurtful comments and the like that you may need to work through.

"I want to be a betterer girl"

I do wish I felt better today and will be resting after doing this but I woke up also with a bit of an idea for a post.

Sammy write something a few days back about her emotions and how she feels about herself the other day that struck a chord with me.
When we think of 'naughty' what we usually are thinking of is the girl (or for that matter boy) who is mean to others.
It may be that you set out to upset someone by saying unkind things about them and the things that matter to them, you pull their hair, pour paint all over their art or ruin their toys.
That might come from feeling insecure in the presence of someone who either is popular or who has something we feel ought to be ours and needs to denied the pleasure from them.
Most of us can relate to this either as one who did this the odd time or were on the receiving end of it and personally I get it both ways although it is many years since I last did anything naughty in that sense.
Sometimes arising from that childlike sense of wonder and excitement  we can more  thoughtless, we dash and maybe collide hurting each other when it would be more sensible walk slowly instead, we attempt to do something that sounds like fun but oblivious to risks involved for ourselves and others and so on.
On the the other hand there are other things that may have continued from an early age, such as not appreciating what others may do for us, feeling very much World must conform to and supply our immediate needs with a pout and a stomp.
You may feel the best way of getting what you want is shouting over anybody who has the audacity to question or just fail to give total support.
Although starting something can be daunting just putting things off because we'd sooner not or prefer to do more enjoyable or possibly have a lazy streak even doesn't help us and may not help those we are are close to like partners, work colleagues or friends who rely on us especially when we agreed to do them.
In effect sometimes we self sabotage things.
It's no secret to some of you I share some of these traits which I'm getting quite a bit of support in overcoming because they hold me back when I could be that much more effective and responsible.
There's nothing wrong in wanting to be a betterer girl if you're prepared to accept some growing pains and maybe your present issues aside you've the maturity to see it.
If that's you, go for it.

Bonds

There's a couple of posts in mind before I next go off for a couple of days one of which may be a bit more technical but anyway here's the first.

Well, I can remember doing this, carefully wrapping each strand of wool around the circle almost in a trance before making the final turn followed by fastening off and cutting both at Grans and also in school as they were rather into art and crafts. 
Talking with some of you on Tuesday's chat kind of reminded me about these things and some ideas around how we learn about each others personality, interests and needs of which the act of playing together I feel is important be it a word based imagination in chat or face to face where we may play with things as that's where it happens.
Sharing is super important cos it makes what people have go further and it help to build bonds between people cos we share and play together so it's nice to bring something with you when we do get together so we all can do that.

Up, awake and socializing

It's true I have a somewhat relaxed approach when it comes to some daily routines compared to others and this might be connected with being more child-like.

This could of easily of been a weekend on a school vacation just casually lounging having gotten up fixing a quick breakfast socializing and I did read in my teens while doing this although my folks were really fussy-strict about getting fully dressed when you were awake  and never wearing your pj's when you're up.
I am sometimes unthinking when it comes where I rest my feet and that so sometimes I feel I could use a bit of "Feet off the table" grown up authority.