Ms Jo

Okay, so you've seen the blog title and are wondering around who or what Jo really is so I'll try to explain that to you.
Jo is the account holder of both blogs and on this blog I give expression to the voice of a troubled teen left alone dealing with her past which is in her present, her needs not met by ignorance, misguided professional advice, and borderline emotional neglect.
She has complex emotional needs being insecure in herself, her abilities, the intentions and meanings of others, she has limited understanding through medical conditions of how the world revolving around her operates and how she is to interact with it.
Rather than teaching her by example these things, she is left to fend for herself where more often than not the world assumes she knows, so she messes up, they tut tut and  she retreats inward again into the next forced interaction in a cycle that so unsatisfying.
She doesn't know it's ways at least in part because the were not explained to her, nobody give her a consequence that children had for it and the reassuring love that it was all over she could start all over again.
She just felt the world had no use for her becoming more and more angry, taking it out anyone weaker than herself. She had an inner brat that she was using aided by a pack of cards and was set for a troubled life.
You see the only thing that really met her needs was this but it rare she got anything like it for a host of reasons like she was disabled so they didn't want to make her sad, they thought she was frail, her family was troubled so it wasn't her fault and anyway wasn't asking her kindly to stop it the proper way for such a sensitive young thing?

The trouble was she never paid much attention to that as her ability to work out by reasoning what it wasn't good, her attention span poor and by the time it was really sugar coated for good measure it was useless.

This is the scene I'd of sooner had to face up to at school.

Not some stupid round robin conference of experts and half soaked parents spending weeks or more at it with this weeks pet psychological theory  plus it would be  less expensive!
Half the time I felt they just wanted to explain away what was just old fashioned  lack of discipline and teaching of social norms as in truth most of the time I just didn't feel like working to the best of my ability or doing what I was told nothing more than any other child and I should of been treated the same as them.

Introduction Part 1b

Here we go, live on this blog for the first time ever talking about some things people keep underwraps, some have a big objection to in principal and something some of us feel we still need.

A blog is like a Diary, you make entries in it as you feel it is necessary about things you've done, places you've been and feelings and emotions you experience. 

This has been going on and on for eons from undercover sneaky pasts that are humiliating to covertly buying girls clothes and wearing them as a sissy TGurl but you have so little self confidence to stay true to that as societies pressure comes, the woman at the door, the taxi man, the interfering family who keep everything under warps.

Are you prepared to help keep me the way I am?

A girl like you

Past glimpses

Having hand made dresses and skirts

In the meadow picking Daisy's with care but feeling carefree playing for hours on end with your friends.

Winning your place in the school cheerleader team on merit and enjoying every moment shaking your pom-poms.

Introduction Part 1

In trouble and about to really get it....

Here we go, live on this blog for the first time ever talking about some things people keep underwraps, some have a big objection to in principal and something some of us feel we still need.

Spanking.

Having got the painful part out of the way, let me begin by saying I disagree entirely with abusing children and all punishment should be structured, arise from actual misbehaviour and proportionate, distinguishing between accidents and that you know will happen and are expected to take responsible for.

While it is the fashion to go one about the rights of the child, the child itself is evolving, is lacking a clear sense of right and wrong relying on others to instruct it and the child has the need expressed in the responsibility of adults chiefly parents, to punish all transgressions to cause them to desist from repeating them.

Different techniques do work for different children and so ruling out spanking is to take out a method some children find preferable to dragged out groundings, endless meetings of professionals and so on.

The sigh of "I want it over with now" can be heard and for me it's always been so and indeed the dragging out by well meaning experts cause me more damage to my self esteem than any number of quickly administered spankings ever did. I'd much sooner of had an "expert spanking" on many of an occasion and what is more It would of stopped more quicker than anything.

I so need this to properly sort me out.

It is

Facing reality

 

However I may look at it, the events of 2005 were very much where much of this whole realization of who I was and where things had began to unravel at a rate of knots came from.

 

From my early teens (so-called) I had felt pushed in to appearing to be mature not so much in behaviour which was and is still is very much less than but more by taking an interest in adult things that gave people the impression I had that sophistication that when matched by a more preppy look, allowed me to mask the real me.

 

In a lot of ways I was role playing, actually, pretending to be this urbane font of philosophical and political knowledge to the point of studying subjects around it because it seemed to gave me a place the grown up world could accept to the point I joined their organizations and adapted of sorts to their structures.

 

In time that would lead me to being directly involved in current affairs, even taking a central role within one organization so while other aspects of my life were not going so well on the face of it this seemed okay.

 

What started off as a great idea turned very much into a monster very quickly because in all of this, the masking lead me to ignore who I was and the very thing that I was discourage from accepting, that I lacked the one necessary thing to do it: An adult sense of self

 

Chunks of what ended up as a severe nervous breakdown were rooted in areas such as being given roles to perform by people while wanting them to be filled and to be seen as an authority of fulfilling them  but without their own involvement. 

 

Critical meetings were missed due to too many other events and having no proper cover, not only had they not been attended and from that having lost our say, when I did attend I was left to defend why when we said someone was, nobody did.

 

The bigger thing in all this was for all that outward sophistication, I lacked the abilities of a adult to cope emotionally in this environment, not having the resilience, I struggled to read agendas with notes and follow meetings and could not relate to the others as adults simply because I wasn't one. I might as well as been a 13 year old in debating society, looking for the adults to oversee it.

 

It didn't take long before I was on leave because my nerves had gone, I struggled to get through a day even at work without crying and if I did attend a meeting I just froze over like an ice block.

 

That's when it really hit home about being me.

 

I AM A CHILD WHO'S AGE IS JUST OLDER BY THE CALENDAR, THAT'S ALL.

 

This was the point here I had to slowly put away that masked version and learn to live again as the child I am rediscovering play, dressing and acting more like my real younger self, finding out more about others who do similar things.

Cut out fun

This is what I loved doing back in the 1970's, cutting clothes to dress the girl in taking care to do the tabs that you use to keep the outfits on the body whereas with a physical doll you put them over body.

The interest I showed around putting together looks that reflected my idea of femininity and how rather be dressed was an early indication of the extent to which being a sissy was very much part of me, resembling but not being that girl and that sometimes it was more "girlie" than girl peers at the time.

You can call me a Sissy. It's okay.