Summer playtime

As you may of gathered I was going to be away for a few days this weekend which was a part the reason for posts being a tadge rushed.

 
But as ever and increasingly more so, I had do everything like pack everything I was going to take away with me, sort out transportation and remember to take some with me a biscuit  as I'd be travelling across midday with two friends.

This tends to be easier than sorting train connections and the almost inevitable issues these days of cancellations and delays due to weather, industrial action or no driver turning up.

Seasoned readers of certain forums will know, the last few weeks haven't been good with me with family health worries not least dads cancer, diabetes and related complications so a large part of being away was to get away from that and play more.

We've been finishing a few bits of collections off such as my Blue Peter annuals most going back to when I was younger and our television wasn't colour.

There will a more frilled mode of dress going on as you all know really that's me but in a relatively subtle more Little way given the setting - it always makes sense to "Read the room" - and keep within the events expectations.

I not usually much for short sleeves especially dresses as that's one area where body image connected dysphoria is strong in me (not feeling comfortable in your skin is so not funny) but thought this was a good setting with people to try it.

Plus it's so it's so middle/little and that above all was where I wanted, nay needed right noe.

* Picture NOT brought to you Associated Rediffusion but as I has no smart phone and selfie stick (dangerous given my computer usage issues) this is as close as you're gonna get AND see, I is for real.

Introducing Lauren

Yes it's finally here, for Christmas.

Although I don't endorse living your life as a stereotype - I sure haven't lived mine like one! - I have a classic girl fixation with dolls something that's been with me since childhood actually that in that typically confused way was 'permitted' by Mommy when many other things weren't.

I've written about a few of my dolls before but this one is special cos I found it in a store that was scheduled to close down within a few days.

She's a Vanity Fair doll coming with a certificate of authenticity that the designers called Laura but I beg to differ about that name so I went ahead and Christened her Lauren instead as I just love that name after removing all the packaging  with bubble wrap over the joints.

I like her face and hat.

Dollies is really more what girls like me need.

Dolly love

Dolls are a fascination of mine and play a role in my age dysphoric life beyond even that of collecting which is something I did start in my early teens getting a variety of differently dressed and posed ones such as alpine skiing not just wearing frilly dresses and petticoats.

They're generally on bases that support them upright in those poses securely

What is a Girl?

I noticed more by accident the other week, something I talked about several years back was being discussed at a site with links back here so thought I'd write something about about it here a few years on.

Being a girl is...being how her feels in you, as it comes out of your own feelings as expressed by you in dress, interests and play.

In so far as being an adult little girl goes, it doesn't matter if you're in a relationship or not, if you have a sexual side in your life or the extent to which you are able to let this side of your life out at home or around your local area.

Being either transgendered or gender fluid/variant and of any and no sexuality does not make a  difference  to being and your ability to let the adult little girl you feel out so long as ...you feel Her in you.

There is no one model you have to confirm to.

You may prefer to dress more like a younger child or 'Baby' , a young child which may be dresses, dungerees or shorts or more Middlish looking Tween or young teen.

You might do more party or school type attire if that's you (I like sitting behind a desk in school attire doing exercises) depending on circumstances such as the ability to spend time with a few others.

You may have a Caregiver in your life. 

It really doesn't matter as little girl you is...You.

Some people do find their younger side may have a different gender presentation to their "Big" which may seem odd (and kinda threw me a few years back to be honest) but actually it's okay.

If that's you then please come presenting as that  Little Girl for the period - a little consistency during play helps - bring something with you and you know we'll share teddies, dollies and play even if your "Big" presents as male.

Those of us who aren't super frilly won't kill you if your presentation  goes out that way.
The only thing we aren't so keen on is people who take being a female, especially a little girl and project an overriding sexual side to it (We appreciate Adults often have a sexual side but that stay's in the bedroom and never at little girl playtime!).

It was my experiences elsewhere with "sissies" who tended to push a very full on sexual side linking femininity with subservience, ritual humiliation, who also by clearly linking being a girl as an insult, insulted our sense of being,  co-opting part of our identity for that whole "humiliated as a girl" thing rather than them being a girl if frankly they rather liked it even in short doses or enjoying their maleness if that was them, that troubled me.

Play and what we play with

 I'm feeling better this week so I thought I'd write something a little different than usual.

 Something I started noticing several years back when I first started buying my own stuffies and especially dolls was a difference between what some bought them for and what I did before getting involved around the world of littles.
One of things I found odd was what I later called the "collectors mentality" where people bought them in the original packaging and kept them permanently in that state, boxed up at best on shelf or otherwise in a storeroom.
To me they seemed to see them as objects that admittedly they liked  but the bais was clearly on maintaining that collectors item look and monetary value to the point they weren't handled and cherished even if they were intended for children who would play with them.
Personally, I buy my dolls and stuffies to play with although my porcelain ones are because of their delicateness are more handled than played with.
I take them out to sit by, hug whenever I feel the 'need' to hug or carry on in my hand around the house or wherever I am staying. I create stories featuring them which I then play with in real time together freely.
That's for me apart from those 'special dolls' they are my toys which as an adult child I play with in much the same way that I did as a child and as some saw me recently even gently rocking a pram with dollies.
It's what I get from playing with them that matters more to me than that whole collectors thing. 

Jacqueline

In a week where events that have been dominated very much with a national tragedy, the full nature of we are still very much learning of as well as trying to come to terms with emotionally, I need go back in time to what helped and still helps the adult-child me.

 Jacqueline is a dolly I had now for over fifteen years, that I like to handle, feeling the fabrics and generally care for who has a soft dusty complexion and isn't so obviously pretty pretty with her blue eyes.
She has however seen me  through a number of less than pleasant experiences and situations, steady and reliably very much the girl in what was the equivalent in UK terms to Juniors who looked after me she was named after.
While not being particularly fussy her dress has a simple country print and just a hint of lace and a bow which is more where I'm at not being heavily into lace, frills and 'sugary stuff'.
I always found back then getting back to a bit that regular child structure when such awful things happened did help more than just going over and over the events and involved your dollies and teddies.

 

The Misses and Master

After Friday's more heavyweight piece I felt like sharing something else here.

Princess Natasha all in white making her way down the stairway. I had her for several years and is more the decorative sort of doll having a porcelain face

Morse sat on my chair. Although he's Scottish he doesn't drink Whiskey!

Jessica, as she'd just gotten up in the morning before I brushed her hair, living on the side of my chair in the front room from where I usually interact with y'all online.
I doesn't matter they and my other dolls and stuffies are clearly visible to my neighbours across the street as are my Wood's Cat teapots or if they come into the front room.
It's my space and I'm me.

Easter Monday

On the nom here as you'd kind of expect for an Easter Monday having finished one set of my chores off for today, breaking into an egg with aid of a knife. Before now I've just bashed my way into it with a spoon but I felt like, you know, being a bit neater.
I'm feeling better in myself compared to the last ten days or so where I've struggled to feel like logging into certain sites we know and taking part in much of the activity never mind chat so I'd like to thank everyone not least LKM for trying to support me through this period as events have hit harder and deeper than perhaps might of been expected.
I'm just getting a few things together ready to visit a couple of friends tomorrow between finishing off tasks for a few days having been tearing my hair out yesterday when I mislaid a card only to find it between two Wellington boots!
It's crazy ol' World, eh?

Lesson for dolls

As no doubt some are aware a different kind of history has been made today, I thought I would made a different post this morning.

I found this image a while ago of traditional German classroom modelled with dolls that reminded me of the kind of junior education I had. 

For one thing we had to write out and learn by rote your times tables up to 12, that were put up on the chalkboard and our teacher did have a long stick they pointed at it (and threatened you with!). 

Also the desk were wooden with a slope that interestingly many are now saying were better for reading and writing on having removed them for flat stackable tables and chairs.

There were maps on the wall, one showing the extent of the British Empire (as was), something we were proud of and a small class bookcase.

Turning rather more to the dolls I find it is interesting a number are in sailor uniforms, a Edwardian idea and like how the person has added matching satchels. 

Playthings

Just before last weeks adventure, I received this 9 inch original Holly Hobbie doll and as she was small enough to fit in my luggage she went to Camp.

I decided at Camp to call her Annie

Here's the My Blue Nose Friend Peanuts interactive  Tatty Teddy who talks to his friends. Aww.

Elizabeth in Joanne?

This post has be coming to me this morning where I'm poorly laying across my Hello Kitty bed attire and new Duvet in my school uniform, so do bear with me.
Off and on, I've made reference to the books I read during my chronological childhood some of which I owned, some borrowed off friends or via the library of the boarding school I attended.
Indeed you may of spotted a few entries here about books by Enid Blyton that come in that category and how I've gotten new copies not least the second but last entry around St Clare's that with this rotten cold I'm reading, something that is a direct echo of my childhood in times when I read books in my dorm or the sick bay.
I recently got though a most interesting addition again an older edition with original illustrations that has taken me back with some startling observations.
With the final three in one volume of St Clare's (Back to St Clare's) was another three in one book.

This was a 1992 edition of first three The Naughtiest Girl stories (Naughtiest girl again, Naughtiest girl is a monitor and Naughtiest girl in the school)

The stories are set in Whyteleafe, a progressive co-ed boarding school that some feel has a striking resemblance to Summerhill school in Suffolk, England.
The main character is Elizabeth who you could say is a very spoilt child used to getting her own way often running with unchallenged ideas so much so she resolves to behave so badly she can't avoid being expelled from the school she never wanted to go to. The secondary character is her best friend, Joan Townsend, who tries to get her to behave which by the time Elizabeth realizes how lonesome she was as a only girl, she gets more onside with the other children and  is less of a problem to the staff.
Here's an earlier cover from one of the separate books:

Now the first think upon quickly skimming the book was I saw my reflection in in how she dressed in the original illustrations, not least the fully pleated skirt, the modern version of which I'm actually wearing. She's around nine or ten years of age so the first thing I am thinking is, *Something* around this age is lodged in me as I'm not a senior. The second  is that smile as she's doing thinks like flirting ink about - it comes to me that around this age I did some similar things with ink and it's her awkwardness is causing this lashing out as oddly enough it did for me.

E.A stood there on the left of this original illustration is the image of that era of my life, meeting together with satchel, sports kit and naturally full uniform.
One interesting aspect of the Whyteleafe school is that the children have meetings where they dole out pocket money (everyone has a certain minimum  because it is pooled and the case for more has to be accepted by the others first) and also they deal with infractions dishing out punishments which the Monitors have the power to as Elizabeth is reminded of when she acted silly.
In practise, in my school head boys and girls also did although it wasn't formally set up - effectively they stepped in and if didn't accept whatever the outcome was, it was reported to the staff.
On one  particular day I did do something really silly like get going calling one girl rotten names and it got a bit out of hand, as does some of Elizabeth's silly things but unlike it being raised at a Meeting I was called to see the Headgirl in private who wanted answers, insisted on an apology to the girl in question and used her hairbrush on me (which was as far as I was concerned better than some poxy letter from the Head to my folks who'd just send me to child welfare person dragging the whole thing out. At least it's all over with in one go.).
Like Elizabeth I got better after that as I learned to fit in better with people, having my rough edges smoothed and even became a year rep, greeting very important people which does help when as now I have to do groan up things.
Having this book has reminded me of the distance I've travelled emotionally, the difficulties I've overcome in the past through learning to be more mature in how I deal with situations. As well, it affirms what Joanne remains deep down - a little girl only just in double digits - and no one least of me should ever forget it.

Tiny dolly support workers

One thing I have always like and still enjoy is rag dolls of which I have a good number that live on my shelves that I use whenever I am feeling very anxious or otherwise stressed, holding, stroking or 'playing' with them both at home and at work where they do understand needs like this that I have in things such as meetings.
They help me stay calm and de-stress in such situations so in way they're little 'support workers' in my life.
It's a part of who I am.

The Little Girl within takes control

 

A couple of years ago, something happened to me in connection with a major public role I was undertaking outside of work which lead me down a route in life that includes this blog and it's mission.

I was responsible for a large organization that was undertaking several important projects to the community that those who made decisions on wanted but had left me to attend the meetings, met the other parties involved attending their workgroup events and so on at the same time as being the head honcho of their own body.

It also was the case I was involved in local political activity for a good two decades with it's own cycles of meetings, events and so on.

It also is true to say I was becoming increasingly frustrated at the sheer amount of time I was spending - often over 20 hours a week over being tied to my computer and mobile phone from the minute I came from work. It even cut into my vacations too being expect to work from hotel rooms!

As much as I complained about this, there was little effective cover meaning the inevitable meeting clashes weren't covered and the one who was meant to got no cover either!

By this point I had become ill, finding the combination of high demands, lack of effective management of commitments to outside bodies and the best word to describe what I went through was 'a nervous breakdown'.

Something came out during my recovery, my inner child rebelled against it's forced to groan up shadow  kicking it's butt, insisting she wanted her time,she wanted to play in her little girl clothes and chill out on the bed in the evenings.

She fought and won those changes because the little girl within had spunk and courage to make the changes that would set me on a path that would make me so much more happier because when it came down to it, I just a child in a grown up body.

Reminiscing of Christmas past

Although this picture is from the late ninteen-fifties, it does capture perfectly the very ideal of what a young girls Christmas was all about from the stack of presents by the tree I grew up with, the dress up costume which I always wanted and a a dolly you'd hug and carry around all day.

Sleepy-byes

This really is sort of way I make any room when I go away on vacation really mine by adding a least a plushie or two and say a flower. I do prefer though to have more books, plushies and playthings in a room as it does feel really to spartan for me, preferring more the feel of a childs bedroom which is me really.
I really don't care that much about having a tv so long as there's a room in the house I can watch tv shows on.

Cut out fun

This is what I loved doing back in the 1970's, cutting clothes to dress the girl in taking care to do the tabs that you use to keep the outfits on the body whereas with a physical doll you put them over body.

The interest I showed around putting together looks that reflected my idea of femininity and how rather be dressed was an early indication of the extent to which being a sissy was very much part of me, resembling but not being that girl and that sometimes it was more "girlie" than girl peers at the time.

You can call me a Sissy. It's okay.