A message from the past

Hi!

Something I am working through is the process of getting more in touch  more  with  my innerchild, her emotions and her past as recalled and expressed in her own emotional aged voice that can get buried in what may be more Big World problems.
I'm having fun engaging in child voiced play through which she expresses herself with other 'innerkids' doing the same just being themselves in their own world and exploring things.
Sometimes it's the past that holds the key to those things that continue to affect how you see things and shape your responses to given situations like the extent you feel you may trust another or feeling anxious socially.
And those things unless you deal with them run on into the present by with people directly involved in your life or wish to have at some future point too.
Getting to a point the past is better understood, the real lessons learnt being able to move on from those all too real road blocks is one of my main aims.
It's also clear from discussion elsewhere sometimes even your encounters as that little (or middle) at this point in your life may bring issues that may leave you sad or hurt emotionally by they feeling abandoned, receiving hurtful comments and the like that you may need to work through.

Spanking needs review

I’ve been busy this week after the difficulties I had last week although as I’m sure you saw I did cope pretty well with them, arguably better than I’ve done in any point of my life, getting those things that are important done first and the primary task of handing in my end of term task will be done on time.
I had been offered the opportunity of leaving off my weekly mentors report given the emotional difficulties but declined because I find the review process helpful in assessing how I’m feeling around my general state of mind and how I feel about myself not least my abilities to regulate better my life. It’s hard for some to understand without my specific difficulties but it takes something like that a structured exercise to get me to reflect on those feelings. I’m not generally good at processing stuff without some input or ‘push’.

I have been asked to consider if it is a set of regular maintenance spankings I am needing  or if is discipline spanking.As it is about 7 month into being mentored it’s worth talking about as I’ve had some experience to judge how my bottom is best spanked to help me.

Maintenance spanking is more a light series of spankings carried out without any infractions being committed usually with something  like the hand or a wooden spoon although some may use a hairbrush but with less force than normal.
The general aim is to keep you  on track and re-connect to your mentor while at some time allowing you to get a sense of emotional release and usually this is weekly although trying to avoid rituals like every Monday may help in maximizing the feeling.
Discipline spanking is more around enforcing obedience or training to say follow rules (some separate out Punishment spanking -punishment as penalty, some don’t)

My thoughts on this run that what I’m needing the majority, around two-thirds of the time is Discipline spanking. What is happening effectively is I’m being trained up to follow the rules that I’ve accepted around maintaining healthy life-style  habits and adopting co-operative ways of behaving in more the way you you’d raise a child because at the emotional and development level, that’s where am at.
So to a very large extent this all happens within a Middles headspace, with me as that child often dressed as one, disciplined as a child, over the knee (very much like the illustration) as a direct consequence for being disobedient in following the rules and that’s where my needs like a good many littles or middles are lie. For us the whole intimacy equates to a feeling of being loved and protected very much on a child-like child to parent model aka being a Caregiver in DD/lg terms.

There’s a smaller need around maintenance spanking maintaining that feeling of protection through acceptance of a junior role, keeping you on the right track and letting out the stresses that as a adult-child having to play a role as an adult you’re ill equipped for build up in you.
Having  my bottom spanked in a consistent, compassionate and fair way  has been the bestest Christmas present this girl ever had so sorting out  how I’m to be continued to be spanked from now on is a great thing to help me grow.

Schools out

Well it's almost over, School Term that is having handed this test in, I'm so looking forward a well deserved break and you what I'd really love to do?
Something like this even though swings and I have a some unfortunate memories being a part of my difficulties falling a very bad fall from one in original childhood, climbing the climbing frame, swinging on a swing, running around in a nice summer dress with a group of girls of the same mindset.
That's the thing I really enjoy the most  outdoor fun and just being out helps me with my recollections of that time but it's more about moving on, getting on life and for me that life may be different but it's the one I like.
I intend to be out more weather permitting, relaxing, taking the day as it comes as that makes sense to me.

So begins another school day...

Another day in school before I brake up, this is quite true because  I do have things to study, research and even homework set to be done and am currently sat working on my end of term test assignment in uniform.
You might well be thinking why I might do this given in most respects I don't have to get up for anything much since the last few years when I was found not able to work with the many and overlapping disabilities I have.
The first and obvious thing to at least those who have seem me for real is the way my middle side comes out is that of a school aged girl, the age range as I mentioned a few times and not just on this blog being determined less by picking an age playing role as the all too real limits on my functioning.
Being the way I am means like with a good many actual children, school with it's routines, structures and support is something that makes me feel safe, secure even so being that person having some school work to do helps me feel comfortable with the world.
It's also the case when people set me work, they are really helping me because you're encouraging me to become more self disciplined which is something left entirely to my own devices I do struggle with because you set a task, a work level and a date to have it handed in completed by for marking.
Marking it helps not just by showing how much you value the fact I did it but also in showing me where I could do better that helps me learn how do tasks better.
So for me this whole thing is a very helpful part of my life.

Behaviour

You may read this blog, probably see the header and it’s brief tag line thinking, Jo is just about spanking, might fancy herself as a princess and possibly is a brat.
I’ve written a bit about how how I struggle with everyday tasks, the sort you may take very much for granted such as catching a bus, making myself understood and really understanding what you said, getting myself dressed, coping with shopping and so on.
All of these things stem from actual real life disabilities of which I have several plus some acquired injuries in later life for which I should of received help in finding coping strategies and given I’m not able to work, some sort of appropriate therapeutic day care where work on them and with my actual abilities which I do have, would happen.
I’ve been left to myself instead.
It didn’t help at all that I fell though the cracks in the system for disabled people when I turned eighteen with the authorities just seeing someone who had studied and was ‘normal’ preferring to concentrate on those who used aids to get around most of time or not in academic study rather than the me that couldn’t manage an everyday task like going shopping, handling money and getting confused really easy something that gotten worse following brain damage from an playground accident in my mid teens.
This said what has made things harder for me has been parental attitudes and conflictual approaches that in a relationship for both myself and siblings was one of both had to agree before anything about us ever happened.
I had to fight tooth and nail to get them to attend school meetings about my education and things like parents evenings as they really weren’t that fussed about my work, especially the lack of it, cutting out for whole terms things like History homework cos I didn’t feel like it.
It took a lot of intervention from a no nonsense Geography Mistress who generally sat on me, did spank me a lot to get the point of getting a reasonable exam pass in that subject when my course work was D minus and below and she never got the homework she set.
God, I’d loved to lived with her as she did care to say NO YOU’RE NOT, Jo and get on with the job of disciplining me.
Because they were at odds on so many things, little real 'moulding’ or character training happened,  like for a long time I wasn’t allowed in the kitchen  so had no knowledge of how to fix a coffee or make a meal for myself, something I had to be shown in the workplace by colleagues and as for handling situations where I’d see red and just go down a path of non-cooperation, unable to stop and them being at odds about how and if they should.
Across the board they wrapped me up in sympathetic cotton wool rather than helping me adjust to the outside world, not that you could artificially equalize me but you could help me to manage better.
Most of my more bratty moments come from the stresses and strains in dealing with situations I don’t understand and am clueless in as I’m nearly always in middle space simply cos I don’t have much of an Adult side to speak of and usually am staring out to space waiting for Grown Up to sort it out, helpless like.
There are times when the Middle me is out when faced Adult requirements the only way of expressing them she knows is to just go off sulking or throws a tantrum.
Sometimes that very child-like side can lead to 'over-trust’ and not seeing where what someone suggesting really ends up.
In so many ways to help me cope, middle me needs you to spank my bottom to help regulate my attitudes and behaviours when I can’t.

Adult little girl and being girlie

When you look at some of this stuff around how I behave it's about how I've felt and do feel about me as much is it is about getting completely on the wrong track when it comes to how I see my position amongst people at times being very self centred.

Having the confidence to express how you feel not just in words but also in how you present such as your dress and for it to be respected is very important. As a feminine girl, it matters to me that I express this side of me, being more open about as some have tried to say I can't be a little as an age regressed adult and even bullying me over it.
I can be cute as a girlie in a pure age regressed side with nothing sexual in that space and I have every right to be that person. I am a girlie gurl after all!

Being Middle me

Just getting down to a spot of work here today before lunch and I'm going to write something about one of things we've touched on a couple of times in chat and occasionally elsewhere.

Everybody's lives not least their Middle or Little lives is different and that might be because of things like having a partner (or not) or how it is your middle or little side comes out and how that is balanced with your big side.

Indeed search this blog and you'll find I've written a few pieces around how we do that and the 'real world' challenges in dealing with it not least when it comes to being in the workplace.

Perhaps to a greater extent  than a good number of  us and within  'our group', my sense of middleness arises less than 'age playing' or even a relatively straightforward regression in a play situation than living with real life conditions that mean I'm in middle/little headspace most of the time and not by choice although as those of you who know me understand I don't have any time for regrets. 

For all that lead to those conditions, I enjoy being the person I am, limitations and all.

Those limitations are however just that, and without being hypercritical were not things that I've had much help in either dealing with or helping me make the most of  my reduced abilities at necessarily.

That does lead to area of my live that does differ than many although I can see some crossovers in the more mainstream ddlg world which is I have person who works with me on the things I have difficulty with such as staying focused on  a task, getting started on and working through the things I need to get done rather than just going with what's fun, dealing with stressful situations and some behavioural tracts amongst other things.

They recognize and work with me as that Middle with little side providing more the kind of loving care, support and structured environment that also is quite strict to help me be more productive and adopt better habits as that Middle.

In a very real way then, being and presenting as the adult schoolgirl I am ties in with this sense of having a caretaker/daddy-like figure in my life with me as that 'child'.

While he'd be the first to say the improvements in my life since his involvement in it come from my preparedness to work with him, to accept his authority (by agreement) working through it and accepting any discipline that may be needed at times, it's that support and guidance he's shown me that helped me turn a few corners so far to the point as I explained on Tuesday I did really well with my Homework (another thing that helps me focus on sticking to agreements, following schedules and working hard) which was a first for me given I've always sucked big time in the past with it.

 And that working with who I am, a Middle, in a more Middles setting can help me so much in those situations I can't help avoid having to deal with the big world by helping me to be more responsible and learning more self discipline, not that removes all the problems but helps me feel more able to deal with things and be a bit more independent.

For me then Middles life and the ddlg dynamic go beyond pure lifestyle not that there's anything wrong with that but are an important part of helping me make the most of my life being fulfilled, able to take a bit more care of myself and handling responsibility better.

It may not qualify for the strict criteria around the term 'Therapy'  but for me this life is therapeutic. 

A kind of return to school days

One aspect of how a kind of return to school days comes out is through a kind of costume based situation in which I dress as a adult school girl which helps me find my real sense of place, fully letting middle me out feeling very much whole and complete.
It’s a place that’s increasingly accepted by my Caregiver, other trusted Adults who share responsibility of me and after a while my natural parents who are at one with it.
As my previous rather long post about behaviour  explained fairly well, I find it very hard to live without set rules and guidelines, messing up pretty badly when left entirely to my devices.
In general, when it comes to being an adult I’m not much good at that and many of the reasons are routed in things that cannot be changed and after much soul searching over the years, I’ve made my peace with it.
I struggle with dealing things like bills, banking and dealing with organizations whose correspondence I struggle to make sense of.
That’s where people like my Caregiver and other  trusted  adults come in and for me that includes cp and non cp discipline working in tandem with the love and guidance that now feature in my life.
Yes I am and had the catch phrase in  previous blog life  as “Spanked Girl” cos that’s very much what I am and a cropped version of the image below become my avatar cos it encapsulated  me: A ‘middle’ ‘adult little girl’ who wears her pinafore dress and is subject to spanking when my attitudes and behaviour fall short.

Things usually progress from spanked over my underwear to having it lowered to really drive the message home with me.

It’s very very effective with me, doesn’t mess my head up nearly as much as any other forms of discipline and has the merit of being over with, slate wiped clean at the end.
Thereafter I resume as me doing all the things middle me loves to do, still in the loving, protected and disciplining hands of those who are caring for me.