The languages of apology I can be taught

As a reader of this blog, you will have realized I'm by no means  perfect having gotten into situations that I shouldn't and a good part of what it is about is helping me change those habits of a lifetime in part by the establishment of clear rules for me to learn to live by rather than just overriding yours and by the consistent disciplining of me so I may never get away with it without administered consequences.

The other side to this is teaching me what to to put things right in real time so I assume appropriate responsibility for my own actions where in the past I've ever shrugged my shoulders or attempted to play a card - usually a disability card to exempt myself from the standards expected of others.

I need people to take me through this so I am as responsible as I am actually capable of disabilities aside so I learn to conform to your standards and expectations.

Middle space

The other night in chat, I felt so what the heck little it was incredible, regressing in terms of  how interacted  with others playing games, making child like jokes and using child like language and spellings as my middle/little mindset came straight out.
Sometimes I struggle with this not least if say people are running with 'adult' agendas or topics  that aren't in any way connected to little life in the way meeting with friends or buying toys might be.
The sort of littles out but sat with a alcoholic drink talking soccer and politics thing in other words.

 That can never be a part of me because deep down I'm that little girl  in her co-ordinates or dress sipping pop, holding on to my plushies or sucking a lollipop in the presence of grown ups who needs her little space respecting while the grown ups look after me. 

Reply first...

I've been a bit busy over the course of the week  with various things not least this weekends studying as I'm better than I was so I had been thinking about how I relate to people.

 I saw this and it seemed to make sense because for a very long time  I've been in effect encourage to listen to reply to a conversation as if I had to have the final say to whatever was said to me no matter who even said it.
At no point would occur to me that I needed more to understand  what it was I was being asked or told to do as the end in itself.
In other words I was to understand what you were saying and just respect that as it was with you as an authority over me but instead I was questioning you all the time feeling the need to reply all the time.
It often left me at odds with people who'd shrug their shoulders  with how I was disrespecting them but they'd never do anything  to cause me to change my behaviour so I didn't.
It's not that I don't think this is just me, I feel it may be a good number of us seem to get this message in rush to answer and be heard but it's us who need to deal with it even if we do have people in our lives who'll discipline us now on as that is just a means to an end.
The point we assume responsibility for our actions.

Industriously studying...

Do you know, just as we get toward the end of the weekend where to be honest it probably was for the best I was indoors with the rain, the sun starts shining incandescently, illuminating everything.

This weekend I was studying as the impact from the electrical storms in my head I get with migraines has gone away looking at all the regular Polygons and how you work out internal and external angles which turned out to be as easy as pie!
In English I did some set work around vocabulary , looking how to use adjectives, nouns, verbs and adverbs to add flavour to your writing so it is more interesting to read and the use of formal and informal words and phrases.
This was pretty difficult because with my disabilities I have a limited vocabulary both for speech and written English, there are ten year olds with wider ones than I, and quite often I can't 'see' other more colourful word choices when I think about what I'm going to say that may help make what I say more interesting and memorable.
I don't like sounding as if my words have just been just superglued together than a few fragments to make a sentence and it may be this exercise can help with that.
I'll have a go at writing another short story before we go away as I won't be getting far this week as the coach company that runs some of our locals buses has stopped trading so something like 40% of local services aren't running including nearly all Saturdays!
The local Council are trying to sort this out but it takes time because you need vehicles and drivers of which there's a shortage so I may use that time typing out a story.

I Guess I'm Different Part II

Well last weeks bit of a post created some interest amongst those that ready my comments at various forums and art based sites where I am publishing some short back to the past regressive stories.

One of things across this blog I've been talking about is what is me.
I'd normally hesitate to use a term like define because it seems to me define often excludes those things I may share with people for saying how I'm not the same as when to me at least what you are includes both.
It's also the case that self realization can lead at the very least to a reframing of what that definition may include if not a wholesale change.
Change is constant but the biggest constant in all of this for me the lack of of an adult sense of self and of place in the presence of others who are adults by age; My relationship to you is defined by me looking toward you for guidance and authority because you are the adult I am not and cannot be.
The answer to the question what is my sense of place is simple: I am a girl and much less a woman.
By the standards of most I'm not 'normal' in that way not least for the role my developmental disabilities play in this that means for me it's not 'age play' so much as 'emotional and developmental age is'. It's the not normalness of me that actually is my strength and what is wonderful about me.
The thing is then we must be honest about these needs and work through ways of meeting them so I'm emotional and developmental age treated approximately for the girl I am for me to make the most of myself and contribute to society rather than ignoring the elephant in the room.

Exploring together

I wasn't too good over the last two days although I got up okay, messaging PB and getting the last mammoth blog entry published with links at all the usual spots to make it easier to people to follow it. Shortly afterward I felt a migraine coming rather quickly so I quickly got my tablets out a jug full of water with glass, closed the curtains and went bed.

 It wouldn't be me in the midst of all that to be thinking of other things, I mean it's so funny but sometimes I'm more together when it comes to thinking ideas up when I'm  like that than any other time.
One is how many times we hear of people who do something a little outside of the mainstream such as follow a dress style and wear it, have aspects of our lives that others may not be so keen on such as your gender identity, sexuality and being a little and so on who struggle to have people they feel they can be open with as friends. And this in age of forums, emails and social media.
Sometimes it may be that the individual has difficulties forming and holding down personal relationships which may not be helped if others are way too quick to judge elementary mistakes but life if you appear not to be able to learn from them can be hard.
Sometimes groups have very much a "My way is the only highway" approach, setting very exacting positions people are at least to go along with if not openly endorse which at times is so ironical being in mind the reason for  existence of some groups is the very excludedness those people felt from others they project themselves.
To  me it seems in order to progress we need to be open to difference, able to tolerate difference and understand  the expression of differing views often leads to more informed thoughts and decisions.
If we find understanding something hard - and it genuinely can be -  we need to be prepared to  work with someone who will explain it and engage with them changing what we are doing if it isn't helping us.
We also need to learn to hold hands more with the people who can helps us explore and grow as people which may include learning more about some of things that unite us but may not be part of other peoples lives.
If you're a little/middle you need to find those spaces you can let this side of you out openly without the distractions of regular adult stuff going on.

I guess I'm different

This is an extra bit to the World of Joanne_chan entry of July 4th 2016 Summer Day Out
If part of the reason for being away for a day was to avoid the stress and life sucking nature of post Brexit political fall out which had left me feeling really quite flat and a bit edgy there were others things too.
One is it provide me an opportunity to see how what I have learnt  since the rule book with me was changed with having people such as my caregiver providing a lot of support, teaching coping mechanisms to deal with stressful situations, understanding more of how my behaviour impacts on others and how spanking me is leading to changed attitudes since that came back into my life.
Without a shadow of a doubt  being on the streets on a Saturday using stores  is a one of the most stressful things for me most of which are related to things such as my poor co-ordination which shows in weaving between crowds, my dyslexia when it comes to reading and finding items in space, my audio processing disorders making out what is said especially with background noises.
Also my learning/developmental disabilities come in  such as not understanding what it is that I'm being told, what it means, feeling lost 'freezing over' at the counter requiring to be prompted and treated more like a child generally.
I am still having some freezing with two assistants asking if I was okay but with their help we got through this. I also felt able enough to deal with questions and attempts to sell me other things by turning them down but politely rather than either just going along with it cos I so wanted to leave the store signing anything or getting very  cross with them.
I found some people who could help me with crossing the road on my own without pelican crossings because I have poor road sense and even with them I get scared in case cars don't stop.
I'm also not good with directions, getting lost easily.
You see I am different. I am a child-like adult who needs to be treated more that way given support to be be as independent I can and still subject to child-like rules and structures.
When you do that, I have a better life than if you pretended I was 'normal' as if I had no more needs than any regular adult.