Deminished roles

You know, there's a part of this that would of raised an eyebrow in the recent past and it isn't this whole idea of a Caregiver or mentor in my life or even that I'm a little which truthfully I've been for decades.
It's that part of my presenting to adults now in this evolving set of relationship is that I'm to dress very much like a girl while being addressed and treated as their child and that is emphasized still by them dressing as adults and using more obviously grown up mannerisms.
It isn't that I don't have a say it's more my role has  changed, there are now conversations that aren't for me and I am not an equal  anymore because they are in effect my parents,  to whom I am to obey and respect as part of this process of helping  me grow up.
This process may be hard going it but it will help me to grow up and be a stronger person.

Coping with change

This was an unexpected randomly thought out blog entry that came crashing to me this afternoon so do bear with any typos or quirkier than usual grammar.

 
So it's hardly a surprise we become accustomed to the idea that everything will remain 'just so' which to be honest is one thing I sure loved when I was younger, the whole certainty with its sense of well-being from repeating that pattern week after week.

 
Every so often though, something comes along and knocks it over. You feel lost if not numb and bewildered too as it seemed to going along so well.
It is okay to feel that way, sad things happen, we hurt and a good number of us are hurting right now. 

 
I can't speak for all of you but things often seem to go in cycles and my last lot of cycles have seen me  do different things, learn and improve on skills that I've struggled with, form new and more helpful friendships and understand more about myself and others too.

 
All those things can and are helping me deal with this because they've given not only ears to listen and understand how I may feel but also the strength to carry on when I just feel like lying there crying (and I know that feeling so well).

 
You know, those we miss so much would never of wanted us to stay like that forever and you might imagine this friendly nudge coming out urging you on, reminding you can start again, even if we find it hard.

 
Personally, I feel it's helpful to think about those things that I have reason to be thankful for over the years from the situations that just appeared from nowhere and to which I had no real plan for. 

 
Just thinking about it, my life has changed quite a lot in the last ten years for the better and much of that isn't down to some super medical recovery on my part but more because I've been working on dealing with more how it's handed out to me, making the most of it smiling even through some of the Meh moments.

 
It is easy to get into a cycle of beating yourself up when things aren't going to plan, thinking we are useless (been there and done it) or feeling guilty over things that maybe we didn't have that much of a say over but I'm going to try to get on with life the best I can from now on.

 
That's a much of lesson from my childhood that I can use today and maybe it's of some use to you.

Medicine for behaviour

What has been prescribed for me and appears to be working....

Jo learns a painful lesson

Over the last few months and off and one over the last couple of years I've been having difficulties around stopping my computer use after usual hours and even then truthfully It hs seemed about three-quarters of the hours I've been awake I've been online just pausing for meal and toilet breaks. Sometimes after stopping at One o clock I'll reasume just a couple of hours later.

On Monday morning last, I got up just after Three A.M. pulled my right arm over the bed and picked up my netbook, turning it on and logged into several sites for four hours continuously to about Seven.

Now my bedtime is about Ten P.M. and I'm usually awake from about Six A.M onward and this should give me time to get plenty of sleep in because with some the disabilities I have, I do get tired quicker than some of you so have a greater need to recoup that energy.

But I didn't so as the day got on I felt more and more tired, falling asleep and also started to get rather cranky making doing my chores which is now part of the ground rules living at home more difficult. It simply had to be reported to my mentor.
Now as I had deliberately broken my sleep with major consequences on my own well being as well as impacting on others I expected some punishment to occur simply because I need to given a consequence I could not forget to help me break this pattern of behaviour as I have had this problem before.
 I had to stand in front of him so when he told me to I was to pull down my knickers right to my ankles before he took me over the chair and I gave him the rear hem of my dress for him to pull up for me.

He gave me a warm hand spanking to start with which smarted before picking up the hairbrush which he gave me 12 strokes with.

My bottom looked quite red in the mirror when I checked shortly afterward that would explain why it was  very painful and still stung a few days later.

I am under agreement to report for a week my use of the computer which also is to terminate at bed time (unless a super major emergency occurred) and only resume after it's time to get up and if I break it, then the spanking will be repeated.

All of this is entirely my own responsibility for both breaking the rule that is about ensuring I am getting enough sleep to enable me to get by the following day and not using responsibly my computer.

Several days on I am keeping to my bedtimes, not cutting them even though this has been hard through what some call “Fear of missing out” when you can't get to sleep because you're pre-occupied with the latest developments, updates and messaging which is very common with teens.

Apart from having the support of my Mentor, I have been reminded by others that this needs to stop and everything that's happened so far in is justified which take us back to end.

I am going to do my darn most to end this cycle of behaviour from now on and the best thing is for everyone to support me in doing this.

I simply have to try harder.

The final say (Ultimate Limits)

Last week I was talking about about the origins of some of my cycles of behaviour, how they trip me up and what perhaps can be done to break them.

One thing I do need need to be up front about is some aspects of this behaviour is centred in modern contexts that when I was in my teens simply would not of been foreseen because modern life itself is different.

It seems I am going need to learn to leave my netbook well away from my sleeping space rather like my cellphone always is, simply because when it's at hand with it's glowing power lead, I lack the ability not to be able to look up from the bed without wanting to 'just go check' something or other when I really need to be sleeping ready for first thing next morning.

That sounds very much like a modern teen/parent battleground rather than someone who at least according to the law is an adult but does show something of the problems around lack of focus and personal responsibility I have and it might be I need to be given a consequence for that one lapse.

At one site I had an interesting exchange with two people about around the limits of behaviour, how it is that you can reach the point where somebody needs to be saying, “You're out of line and this IS stopping”, although you may not like the fact that they did it.

I was openly moved by their recognition that even if you may be legally an adult and perhaps in some kind of relationship too this doesn't end and that they'd still have a need to be kept in line.

The way this mature young person put it came over to me as a timely reminder to finally accept what she does, that you are not without limits on your behaviour-there comes a point when they WILL be applied-and it's for your own good.

Another young person indicated I need to try harder to improve on my behaviour as they themselves do. She didn't have to reach out to me but obviously felt I needed this so it's time I took a step forward.

I shall adopt these teens attitudes toward accepting the authority of others over me from now on.

Helping me learn

Looking back at things, it's possible to see how some of my behaviours started, becoming firmly entrenched.

Take dealing with tasks for instance. Let's be honest and say I have having difficulties in both the understanding of the nature of the task itself I'm asked to produce and any stages that are necessary to do it.

There are a number of way people try to deal with it.

The first is simply called you do it for me which might happen cos you feel sorry for me, I might actually be incapable of it but more often than not it's because you're feeling inpatient with me having to explain things and generally supervising.

You start to raise your voice and in the past you may well of called me names plus if you'd of been a teacher humiliated me in front of the class.

You'd just sooner just get it done to fit your time.

Another way might involved working out what I need to get better at and work on each bit, gradually bringing it together, coaching me. This may take time and a lot of encouragement as I easily get upset and feel like giving up but leaves me with something useful I can do.

Quite often that's what so-called Professionals have tried only to find little active support at home.

As crazy as it may sound I was effectively barred from the kitchen until I was 18 because I didn't know what to do even though I had been taught a bit of basic cookery at school. You'd of thought that would of encouraged but my folks have this way of doing things or rather not doing expecting you to just start things from nowhere with no support, questioning why you should even try.

So it's hardly surprising in time my stock response to seeing something that needed to be done was one of “What's that to do with me” or “I don't know how” if asked to help with looks of exasperation .

And when it came to dealing with criticism about how I might do something I learned not to avoiding it because that was more acceptable than trying cos I wouldn't be supported.

I acted like I didn't exist.

If didn't know what to do in an activity, I'd just deke out missing out on valuable activities although I did feel confident to draw in one and do a craft kit recently while with friends

That's one reason why even being set a exercise to study something and make a short report can be good idea because if you set me the task, provide encourage and guidance to make the effort but punishment for not trying, it can help to change a cycle of behaviour that might be comfortable routine but doesn't help me at all.

I can be trained to try.

Laneside recollections

That's cool. I mean it's sunny of not exactly warm today as I was out walking around locally, taking in the smell of the farms, seeing the lambs in the fields grazing and even watching with amazing a flock of over forty birds take of in a 'W' formation from a field near the woods circling just above me. They were all occupying the field ready for it.
Isn't nature just so awesome?
I just so loved watching it patiently as a child usually as we walked to school along the sidewalks and farmers fields unless we were fortunate to get a lift with one of them taking their daughters to school in his car with mud covered tires.

 That's the tie I had on at Camp, a silk deadringer for the one I had at Junior school where we kinda had to wear it.

 

The photo didn't quite do full justice to the badge - and two schools I attended we did have prefects and house systems -  so here's one of it in its shield design.

Some schools use either rectangular or rounded badges to denote such earned status.

Did I ever say I did on a few occasions I got mentioned in 'Special Mentions'  on Friday weekly assemblies and given a badge to wear on top of my uniform connected with it?