New term

For a good while now for reasons connected to my  general health and multiple disabilities,I have been out of the workplace which if you knew me you’d see makes a lot of sense as in a good many respects if you were to try to help me to a job, then actually you’d end up doing the lions share which be hardly economic and with being unwell, I’d be taking a lot of time off too.
The downside of this there isn’t really any organized ‘day care’ to help me use this time, challenge me not just in the intellectual sense but also from the point of just being prepared to give new things a go as well as working on making the most of my limited abilities.
This year I am to work on this and part of it is to deal with two things that are a essential part of of everyday life I do struggle with which at the period most of most people got to grips with, I didn’t in part because in that era there wasn’t much recognition of different ways of learning and also, and connected more with this blog, the problem is my attitude toward challenges.
I have a lot of problems in understanding  basic math, the sort of math you’d expect the average twelve or thirteen year old to do, from long multiplication and division onward problems around  reading for comprehension and expressing myself clearly in text that also spell over into verbal expression that can spell over into me being oppositional.
I am to study anew these subjects using more contemporary study guides and workbooks, the sort children today use at a similar level of development to that I’m left at, making notes and doing unit tests that will be marked.
It began yesterday with a fairly gentle easing in doing a couple of sections in English looking at what is Text, its different forms (fiction, non-fiction), ways of expression feeling and atmosphere and so on using ideas that I don’t recall being formal taught back in the day.
Anyway, I was supposed to had gotten started at half past Nine but by Ten to Ten I was still sat there defiantly looking at the study guide because it looked hard.
That’s the problem in me. You see, over the decades and especially during childhood because of the genuine difficulties from my disabilities, if I didn’t feel like giving something a go even if it maybe something I may need to get to grips with, then I was allowed to either not do it or put next to no effort into trying rather than having to but being given credit for what I did do (and get right).

By Ten to Ten the trusted Adult (who is is allowed to discipline me)  that was  supervising the days work, came over and told me off for refusing to get started as after all, if I had a genuine problem with it, he would help.
He put me over the chair pulling my black gymslip up which was followed a big tug as he pulled my gym knickers right down and proceeded to give me twelve strokes of the leather paddle which really hurt my bottom. For good measure afterward he made me sit with my knickers down to add to the sense of brought on shame which also meant  my bottom hurt even more on the chair.
He proceed to explain this attitude of mine where I say I have a disability that makes doing things hard and then deciding not to even bother with anything requiring perseverance, taking a defiant  attitude toward even trying wasn’t helping me manage it and as an adult middle it was time this was put a stop to.
My disability isn’t an excuse for not trying
This is why he explained is why from now on every single time I do something like that, I will be paddled for it on the bare, no if’s buts or maybes.
After that, I did actually start, feeling very tearful as my bottom throbbed and I got through two units in the study guide and the corresponding sections with tests in the work book getting 85%.
He like most grown ups do understand how my disabilities cause genuine difficulties and gives me credit for that.My attitude gave me no credit because I refused to start and as painful as yesterdays lesson he taught me was he was right.
My disability isn’t an excuse for not trying
My results were quite acceptable and although other units may be harder it doesn’t mean that either I will fail nor it justified taking the attitude it looked too hard for me because I will be judged on what I do right and helped with what I don’t.
Like every other person from now on I am expected to try and give things my best shot
My disability isn’t an excuse for not trying – EVER

Bonds and emotions of a little

It's not that often I talk about emotions least of all what feels to be me  but there are times when I think it makes sense to not least for everything really comes together for me and this whole journey I've been through so far in. One thing is a childhood routed in fear, fear of how other kids could and did ill treat me from 'being sent to Coventry' though bullying, of a homelife where domestic tension to the point of things being thrown and calls to the police being made lead to me being at times even now feeling gripped by crippling anxiety. 

The problems I have with my disabilities as much as admit to using them as an excuse to be lazy and for adults to allow that to happen, compounded it with difficulties in making myself understood, difficulties in understanding others, in having a understood secure sense of place that I had a working knowledge of 'The Rules'. 

The whole thing leads to a "crippling terror of existence" for me so it's hardly surprising that a protective practically Child to Adult relationship is where I find myself in where the physical expression of affection in the way of cuddles and hugs, the love that is shown in overseeing, guiding me anew and the loving hands that have me at my most vulnerable over their lap spanking me feels so good.

The return of spanking in my life

Something started to happen just before the end of 2014 and really got going the following New Year and that was I had a Caregiver come into my life because to be very honest with you all I was struggling with chunks of my behaviour and attitudes not just to other people although that was bad enough but also they were really messing me up and I couldn’t stop it.

 So we discussed it and eventually worked out what I needed help in doing, what in me had to change and (and this is the big bugbear with that one person) just how all of this was to be enforced having consented to it.
Hidden behind a euphemism or two used elsewhere, it was agreed I am to be spanked for deliberate breaches of the rules we agreed to help my behaviour be they about taking personal responsibility in my domestic life like helping out, getting to bed at my bed time (cos I have one now), not dealing with important matters, bad language (it may surprise you but I can swear!) and not following through any assignments I am set by them.

So the year is been one where my smalls have been lowered and I’ve been spanked quite a bit by hand, hairbrush or paddle for breaches of the rules and, without naming names, other trusted people are doing likewise when I’m with them to help me change.

As an Adult in my life, You are to bend me, pull my knickers down and get on with the job of inflicting pain on my bottom, turning it red, making me tearful to reform my attitudes and behaviour. By doing so you are making me accountable and not before time making me grow up which I badly need.
This has been a major change in my life as outside of school or the odd playmates parents, I seldom got any meaningful discipline at all and that was like eons ago so learning to go over a knee and let my bottom be spanked, well it made me feel very little pretty much the middle in my school uniform.
For the first time in ages I was actually submitting to authority rather than telling it to eff off!!!
There’s no way anyone can say being spanked doesn’t hurt because that’s the entire point of it, it is meant to be unpleasant but I have really have adapted to it and the rituals, finding it comforting while at the same time it has had the necessary effect of deterring me from a good number things that are bad for me like using the internet to past three in the morning which earned me the biggest spanking of my life and -touch wood- has stopped that stone dead as it needed to be.
You see, for me (and everyone’s different), spanking is very good when combined with one on one practical support in helping me grow up, take more care of my own welfare and be responsible that other approaches tried in the past never achieved.

Christmas report

Christmas here was a bit different for a few reasons one being we didn't go out for lunch between some inter family stuff that tested patience to the limits and Mommy and I being very unwell just before and still recovering  so even if we had, it really would of been a waste as we'd not of eaten much.
With that we ate at home between ourselves,with the Turkey being put in over night to cook right through, vegetables done across the morning and the Christmas Pudding zapped in two minutes flat before eating!
As it was 2015 I had to help out getting stuff out, setting the table, clearing the table and with washing up.
I did have a number of presents this year although somethings are in transit as as I wasn't well enough to organize them to just before Christmas which does give me something to look forward toward I guess.

A perennial with me is comic annuals which are a direct run on from the Christmas presents I has as a child featuring special and sometimes Christmas themed cartoon strips from my all time favourite characters such as the no longer running apart from specials, Dandy which had Korky the cat, Desperate Dan of Cow Pie fame and others in it. 

The BIG comic with me as a Child was Britain's Beano a veritable parallel world for those of us who were of official school age  during the 70's thru 90's it's peak period with it's own school and characters in the form of the Bash Street Kids, my heroine Minnie the Minx and Dennis the Menance who like us also got smacked if they were naughty (and they were!).
As time went by some strips like Lord Snooty got retired and others like Bananaman who did have a tv series too joined the old favourites and the questionable practise of featuring in the news real people like pop stars and the like in story-lines crept in.

To say I like Jacqueline Wilson's stories is an understatement outside of the likes of Enid Blyton and co which I was raised on (and as you may know do have a good number of complete series by), she treads the line well between old school story telling but set in the world of todays children (and sadly some of society's issues) producing funny, very readable and thought provoking work.
This is set of short stories, some Christmas related featuring some of her best loved characters like Tracy Beaker and Hetty Feather with quizzes too which is just the sort of thing I like, a more middles take on an annual in a paperback book format.

Mommy bought me  this, Maddie who is a 14 inch soft rag doll who I think is adorable in her pink candy stripped outfit and some grey long school socks which is a very sensible choice for an adult middle like me.

My Auntie brought me a selection box which was a super inspired choice on her part as she not formally known about my Middle side but can tell straight I'm very child-like.

To be honest I'd sooner people either asked ideally or just bought me things more like this because I just so not relate to *adult* likes and that at all so buying for a middle child really is more sensible.

Looking back at the last year

As a few entries touched on, I went from a situation in my late teens with very little effective discipline of any kind to the removal of anything short of being made to leave home without having the very attitudes corrected and by late 2014 things were in a mess.

More by chance than anything discussions at various places lead to me finding a Caregiver who accepted and was prepared to work with adult middle me who made it plain they wanted me in school uniform and they were going to discipline me as that schoolgirl.

 They made it a hard rule that My knickers were to come right down for all punishment spankings so my bared bottom was going to pay the price from now on for all infractions, looked at my problems  and we agreed a set of rules to help me change.

And not just a  slipper but a hairbrush, leather and wooden paddles too as I increasingly learned to present my bottom for correction as just an everyday part of my life.

 
It wasn’t long before I felt so at ease with it that talking to other trusted adults who knew me and my problems well, that they took on a disciplinarian role to a middle who they also knew as one who is in school uniform, agreeing to spank me whenever I’m with them.

For good measure measure many of little/middle friends know about this, do know when I’ve been in trouble and are supportive because they know I can be more mature and considerate if I want to be.

It was through the discussions through them that quite against the odds caning something I only had at school came back as an option in more severe infractions with a variety of different canes being available to use when extinguishing a behavior or attitude was required.

Given it worked then I can't see it failing to keep my behaviour and attitudes in decent limits. 

Other things such as the Tawse and Martinet are agreed options too.

It was a long, painful process with some elements such as having more trusted Adults re-enforcing my Caregiver by disciplining me too not even in the original plan but it has started to work.

 
Who knew this was just what I so badly needed from Adult Authority figures who cared enough to step in and prevent me from falling while also working with guidance and support on changing me so I never get to that point again.

Please support spanking me. You know it  makes sense.

Happy Christmas.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS

Santa is very mooch for real!

There will be a 'paws' for Christmas and then I'll resume posting folks.

Post 600

I mentioned  a short while back at various places we were approaching the 600th post of this blog which by coincidence was just over a year and a week back and I was thinking about doing something a bit special.
Well other things intervened altering the posts between as well as the frequency a bit for good measure not least being very unwell recently and during that period I thought about some of things and people that matter  the most to me.
The first thing is there's a person who I've only known for a few years and due to distance I only see from time to time who in their own way has been such a inspiration and source of reassurance at times even though they themselves have had their own difficulties some of which we do have in common.
They've encouraged me to be more open about myself, who I am, what interests me with other people, to feel comfortable doing arts stuff like drawing which I've always had hang ups with just for the fun of it and above all just accepts me as I am.
The year has been hard for us both following the death of our (and probably for a good number of you, yours too) close friend where we've both been supporting each other  and both of us have been supported by others which has been a great source of comfort.
You're a star.
Then there are other people such as those that have given me a home from home where I can just relax with my mind free from some of the stuff that gets on top of me here, enjoying a meal and like minded company together.
Which if on it's own is something I'd be thankful for but you go much further than that, you look after me, not in a super fussy way but more an observing the scene and responding way, knowing that if I'm giving signs of been tired (and I tire easy) you'll get me to where I need to be, bed, in  suitably child-like way that leaves me feeling relaxed and very little.
Then there people who help me deal with some of baggage from the past because a number of my responses to situations has tripped me up, not just say from not doing something important but also making it harder for me  fit in cos I do things that can conflict with everyday norms, a good number of which I never really learned and was never expected to take any account of.
Sometimes because of some very bad encounters I had, I'd disengage first to avoid situations that had distressed me rather than mastering them.
Instead you've had higher expectations starting from the outset that I was to at least try to do what everyone else was expected to even if I needed a close eye on me and when I didn't you were prepared to follow through with appropriate child-like discipline to help me change.
A lot of people in a way gave up on me thinking I couldn't be given a second shot at getting this right but they didn't. Rather than feeling I could only mess up, they helped me replace it with a feeling I could get it right and if I messed up once, the by learning the right lesson, I get it right the next time.
For once I started to begin to look forward to social encounters knowing I'd be helped by firm, loving and caring people to handle them so I could enjoy my time with people more (and hopefully they'd feel the same).
And that does wonders for my self confidence.
In so many ways then  these things are the things that matter and have mattered so much to me over the last 100 odd posts here, the gifts that are priceless and to whom I am most thankful for.
**Thank You**