Summer LG Camp extras

My main blog entry  Summer LG Camp 2016 covers the major account of my six days  including Summer 2016 LG Camp  that I attended such as activities that I was involved in and so on but this is more the reflections on the experience as I experienced it emotionally.
As an adult little girl who is more on the Middle side for me this whole thing is rather like the Caregiver/little side of things in that it is a space to allow the child-like me out to play and interact as if I was an actual child at a emotional age appropriate level for me, the one impacted significantly by my developmental/learning disabilities that in so many ways I function ordinarary and with no choice at that level.
It's hardly age-play, I mean I didn't choose it, it just the hand I was given and it's a matter of learning to make the most of the only life I have.
I have been interested as much as I'm more around upper UK juniors and first year senior side about things more associated with younger children as for example I've always been drive to spin or rattle things such as whizzing tape reels around or enjoying the sound of winding a cassette back with a pencil or impulsively leaping to a rattle.
While I was away a "Baby Gym" with a pretty patterned mat and mobiles that made noises had been set out and I though, "Right, it's a quiet area" and decided to have a bit of a play with it.
It only took a few minutes and I sensed myself shifting to a younger more tactile headspace playing with it so while I may not identify with AB, some things from it could be in my little space needs that benefit from being met.
The other large side to this that for this whole period I am in a setting where my behaviour and attitudes are under the gaze of adults with authority over me and where I know I will be taken to one side and spanked without exception for any breaches of what I know isn't acceptable.
I do tend to ignore no's blanking them out or get into oppositional behaviour because my emotional side is running at a child's and not even necessary a maturing teen level and spanking is part of the way I'm being managed to put a stop to this to help me mature within my limitations in the way I generally wasn't before.
In that way I'm in the middle/little headspace where Authority has the final say and I am slowly learning, changing my behaviour so much so that I didn't need a spanking just doing what I am expected or am told to do with no back chat.
Connected with that is that they are challenging my low expectations of not just what I can do but of what it is I am to be expected to do from now on to help me grow up a little, taken on a bit more personal responsibility and contribute more to.
In this way they're putting me through growing pains and strict discipline to move me from where I had been parked.
Some of this showed for example in the Games morning where in the past I'd of not taken part in things that I both find difficult with my physical as well as developmental/learning disabilities such as being rubbish at archery, not understanding instructions well, poor co-ordination and lack of strength I'd of gone down the route of oppositional behaviour but I was informed I was to bring my games kit, put it on and be in a team regardless.
In other words I was to adopt a more grown up mature approach which would be overseen to help me with them ensuring I co-operated.
I am so thankful as hard going doing this is, they're putting me through it because I need help to change and be the best I can, not the least I can get away with.

"We interupt this blog with a Newsflash"

Not the why are we waiting  edition but if you hadn't spotted I'm actually away which makes blogging more difficult as I can't go and place five links at various places and many people rely on social media for updates than tried and true systems like RSS and even 'Following'.

There are classes laid on during this period I'll be attending where I'll be doing some work -ones a bit vague but two are arts and crafts based which apart from being fun to do, putting me in a class really takes me into little space, feeling I'm back in school.
One difference from being in school in my day was we didn't have a half of the technology today's schoolboys and girls had not least that you have at hand as it were and some of issues associated with it. We passed notes and made paper airplanes in class.
Do you think I'll whip out my cellphone starting going through texts and missed calls when we're meant to be working?
I rather suspect if I did it would be dealt with cos apart from distracting others, disrespecting those who take time out to take the classes, it doesn't help me to learn to concentrate on the task in hand as I'm easily distracted.
Rules do have a purpose.

The languages of apology I can be taught

As a reader of this blog, you will have realized I'm by no means  perfect having gotten into situations that I shouldn't and a good part of what it is about is helping me change those habits of a lifetime in part by the establishment of clear rules for me to learn to live by rather than just overriding yours and by the consistent disciplining of me so I may never get away with it without administered consequences.

The other side to this is teaching me what to to put things right in real time so I assume appropriate responsibility for my own actions where in the past I've ever shrugged my shoulders or attempted to play a card - usually a disability card to exempt myself from the standards expected of others.

I need people to take me through this so I am as responsible as I am actually capable of disabilities aside so I learn to conform to your standards and expectations.

Middle space

The other night in chat, I felt so what the heck little it was incredible, regressing in terms of  how interacted  with others playing games, making child like jokes and using child like language and spellings as my middle/little mindset came straight out.
Sometimes I struggle with this not least if say people are running with 'adult' agendas or topics  that aren't in any way connected to little life in the way meeting with friends or buying toys might be.
The sort of littles out but sat with a alcoholic drink talking soccer and politics thing in other words.

 That can never be a part of me because deep down I'm that little girl  in her co-ordinates or dress sipping pop, holding on to my plushies or sucking a lollipop in the presence of grown ups who needs her little space respecting while the grown ups look after me. 

Reply first...

I've been a bit busy over the course of the week  with various things not least this weekends studying as I'm better than I was so I had been thinking about how I relate to people.

 I saw this and it seemed to make sense because for a very long time  I've been in effect encourage to listen to reply to a conversation as if I had to have the final say to whatever was said to me no matter who even said it.
At no point would occur to me that I needed more to understand  what it was I was being asked or told to do as the end in itself.
In other words I was to understand what you were saying and just respect that as it was with you as an authority over me but instead I was questioning you all the time feeling the need to reply all the time.
It often left me at odds with people who'd shrug their shoulders  with how I was disrespecting them but they'd never do anything  to cause me to change my behaviour so I didn't.
It's not that I don't think this is just me, I feel it may be a good number of us seem to get this message in rush to answer and be heard but it's us who need to deal with it even if we do have people in our lives who'll discipline us now on as that is just a means to an end.
The point we assume responsibility for our actions.

Industriously studying...

Do you know, just as we get toward the end of the weekend where to be honest it probably was for the best I was indoors with the rain, the sun starts shining incandescently, illuminating everything.

This weekend I was studying as the impact from the electrical storms in my head I get with migraines has gone away looking at all the regular Polygons and how you work out internal and external angles which turned out to be as easy as pie!
In English I did some set work around vocabulary , looking how to use adjectives, nouns, verbs and adverbs to add flavour to your writing so it is more interesting to read and the use of formal and informal words and phrases.
This was pretty difficult because with my disabilities I have a limited vocabulary both for speech and written English, there are ten year olds with wider ones than I, and quite often I can't 'see' other more colourful word choices when I think about what I'm going to say that may help make what I say more interesting and memorable.
I don't like sounding as if my words have just been just superglued together than a few fragments to make a sentence and it may be this exercise can help with that.
I'll have a go at writing another short story before we go away as I won't be getting far this week as the coach company that runs some of our locals buses has stopped trading so something like 40% of local services aren't running including nearly all Saturdays!
The local Council are trying to sort this out but it takes time because you need vehicles and drivers of which there's a shortage so I may use that time typing out a story.

I Guess I'm Different Part II

Well last weeks bit of a post created some interest amongst those that ready my comments at various forums and art based sites where I am publishing some short back to the past regressive stories.

One of things across this blog I've been talking about is what is me.
I'd normally hesitate to use a term like define because it seems to me define often excludes those things I may share with people for saying how I'm not the same as when to me at least what you are includes both.
It's also the case that self realization can lead at the very least to a reframing of what that definition may include if not a wholesale change.
Change is constant but the biggest constant in all of this for me the lack of of an adult sense of self and of place in the presence of others who are adults by age; My relationship to you is defined by me looking toward you for guidance and authority because you are the adult I am not and cannot be.
The answer to the question what is my sense of place is simple: I am a girl and much less a woman.
By the standards of most I'm not 'normal' in that way not least for the role my developmental disabilities play in this that means for me it's not 'age play' so much as 'emotional and developmental age is'. It's the not normalness of me that actually is my strength and what is wonderful about me.
The thing is then we must be honest about these needs and work through ways of meeting them so I'm emotional and developmental age treated approximately for the girl I am for me to make the most of myself and contribute to society rather than ignoring the elephant in the room.