Breaking out

It's been a busy week and a bit which sadly is why this blog has been on my to-do list as I get back to normal following spending time unexpectedly away and suddenly having to reschedule everything including parcel deliveries and the like up to the last minute.
Although I did find time to post something about this on Tumblr, just, I wasn't able to do much about it here although actually the fact I was prepared to even go through this is connected to what this blog has been talking about since the beginning.
How I've changed.
Time was, you see if you of even suggested something completely went in the face of what I had gotten arranged I'd of been heading very much into a meltdown situation because not only would of triggered anxiety about making those changes, even rapidly making arrangements to travel, quickly sorting out things to pack would of worried me sick.
It's the help I've had from the various adults who are helping me, that has helped me reshape my attitudes toward changed situations so I can make more of the opportunities that are there and in so many ways the things that really meet my needs, not least the need for company and to play openly as the little/middle I am.
That's so much more meets my real unchanging needs than fixed routines and allowing them to hide me away

Happy things

I think Its a good idea to take stock of the things that make us feel happy and loved
Things that make make me happy:
Colouring
Middlespace 
Cream
My Little and Middle Friends
Reading
My Uniform
Anime
Peaches the Panda
The Caregivers and others who look after me
Children's tv 
Dolls and Plushies
Teddy Bears
Music
Play 
Cartoons
Fish Fingers

Reflections on past incidents

This week I've been reminded of some of the distance I've travelled following the start of this blog and a number of events in my life that were very traumatic for me following my second best friends recent emotional upset following a number of events one of which centred around being filmed without permission in a small group and the other feeling overwhelmed by people demand their services for free just cos she's popular.
Much of that reminding came through recall of the incidents in trying to explain something however imperfectly about what I learned from them that helped me move past that may be of some use or comfort that even thinking about upset me.
Some of my thoughts and my problems around those events were that I never really processed them emotionally so much as attempted to stick them in the (emotional) trash can so they were hanging around and finding myself by accident processing them this week helped in drawing a line under what had happened.
I saw a site that had go in for some really heavyweight verbal abuse and liable at that time have people post on it this week that actually they never had an issue with me and some saying they didn't understand why it had all started in the first place when at the time it had left me feeling very frightened, vulnerable and even wanting to take my life.
I remembered all too well the nervous breakdown from 2006/7 when I had a very important community role with financial and other responsibilities where it was I was being left with essential tasks others with greater abilities  and non of my 'adult' functioning problems while willing left me alone to deal with them and a public who expected way too much.
That was the moment I had to ungrow up and acknowledge a painful truth, that the era of pretend and masking needed to stop because functionally I was at the level and abilities of a child and simply could not cope with the sort of adult responsibilities such roles expected of me.
As  one employed person of said organization whose name I won't mention on the internet said "I really had to shield and protect her (me) from what she was expected to do and cope  with".
I left them with a excellent testimonial thanks to that person for what I had managed to do and started to work on rebuilding the links to my Inner Child and in time letting her out, feeling more at ease of being the chronological adult who is child in all other respects with same needs and interests.
I moved forward in my life by embracing and moving back to the past - my past and being the child I am.

Birthday reflections

This day is quite an important one for me that I'll blog the other bits of separately but for me this is the start of another fifty-two weeks in my life and the end of the last period of fifty-two weeks although like many littles and middles I never really leave the sense of being the age in this headspace I am. I never really feel older cos I hit my developmental limits a very long time ago.
It's a messy thing cos of the mess that is my family whose many degrees in messiness often took much of the magic of having a day of your own away never mind the petty-mindedness of the arguments they'd pick  on and around of that day.
Mom always say I’m the one that can be counted on to think more about what needs to happen, what would make a difference for the better and at least try to work with it.
Much happened in that twelve months some of which I have written about here and elsewhere but it's been the biggest period where I had real guidance in my life talking through both my longer term problems with plans and shorter more immediate needs.
It's also been the period where the rules and structures in my life have changed dramatically as there has been a very real rolling back of my post legal childhood authority  and status to approximate tween/early teen level.
Part of that is from the recognition that while it is fine for me to have an input and a say in things, because I do mess up in ways I don't necessarily learn from because my ability to do so is limited allowing me the final say just wasn't working. Someone who is more responsible needs to.
The other part is that in order see to it the rules and structures I agreed to are being kept they need to have the authority to impose them and discipline me for breaches so I learn to follow them and that's that in outline that's much such a big difference to my life this last twelve months.
So on this day I wish to thank those people in my life who have provided that guidance be they friends who stepped in saying what needed to said to help me or those who are more directly involved working through issues,for each and every reprimand and spanking you gave me when I needed it.
You did right by me helping me become more responsible over our last twelve months and here's to the next twelve where you'll help me further cos I know you all care about me and that's why all this happens.

The circle progresses

 This is being written in the inbetweeness of what will be a busy weekend here not least with UK Mothering Sunday (they have different conventions here for some reason or other) and a birthday which elements leave me feeling like why are we doing this? 

Some of that lies in mess that is my family, always at war with each other over the silliness of things, petty one upmanship and rank disrespect never mind just refuse to speak to folk for months at a time. Indeed often if you'd of said what did I want for a Birthday my honest answer would be a 'Proper family' to belong to and no wonder I feel closer to my age play family. 

It's not that I'm opposed to the idea of working with is, god knows you just have to at times, and not making a bad situation worse by tossing a whole of easy to throw in attitude to the mix it just makes things feel...hollow. 

Mom always say I'm the one that can be counted on to think more about what needs to happen, what would make a difference and just do it so I'm happy to take her for lunch and she understands marking the wedding anniversary in the view of events I grew up around is something I can't cheat on emotionally so won't happen. 

Part of the reason I cope with much of this mess is actually the people who filled the gaps, providing guidance, an understanding ear and much needed help in developing some self-discipline and usually around  this time I'm reminded of how much I have to be grateful for in that way. 

This year unlike years in the past I do feel I am moving in the right direction, becoming a little more mature than I have been which to tell you the truth has been so embarrassing for those years so I'd like to thank every one who's helped me. 

Here's to Moms and the all the people who are helping me as we approach my birthday.

Corner!

I really asked for it last night in littles chat making a off hue remark when the Grown Up moderating it told me in front of everyone I was to go in the corner for ten minutes, nose to the wall.
It was so embarrassing to be told that way like I'm a child but it was a good reminder to me of the reality of being a middle because you get the same child-like discipline you'd of gotten as a child and the importance of behaving properly.
That's is better for me.

Six days with Miss

I've just returned from spending six days with friends away for which there will be a post on my main blog about cos that's really more about what we did at the big old property in East Anglia together age playing for want of a better expression.
Well that's the expression my second best friend ever calls it and she's pretty much on the ball when it comes to this stuff because at least the both of us while we're there are in our younger selves character, doing what comes naturally to us.
Since last year though I have a 'go-to' person who isn't a classic Caregiver but more an Aunt type character with some caring, mentoring sides who I spend quite a bit of time with literally under their roof.
You see for me this whole six days started off being with them where from the minute they meet me at the rail station everything changes because the relationship we have is one where they are the Adult Authority Figure who is looking after me as a child having authority over me.
They are to be addressed by me by their Title, they have quite a bit of input into how I am dressed nearly always as a child in their presence (typically school uniform) and they always have the final say with me.
As the Aunt like person they have household rules I am to go along with and am expected to do what I'm told straightaway with no backchat.
Being with them is therefore so much like the whole stopping with actual childhood Aunts and Uncles for vacations and short stays I grew up with which I loved for all that routine.
There is something else in our relationship, which is as their child I am subject to and that is when and wherever I am with them, they do discipline me on the spot often using spanking and other forms of corporal punishment as they feel fit if either say I didn't do something I  am am expected to because I'm capable of it or for being cheeky and the like.
Having been spanked by them I know it's no idol threat and as anyone whose read this blog knows it does really help as painful as it is to keep me in line apart from getting rid of past bad attitudes of which I've a good number unfortunately.
For then this thing outside of the time spent with our friends is very much time with a age-play parental situation in real time which is ideal for me as not only does it help to keep me in Middle Space as a junior it provides the structured very strict parenting I need.
A kind of alternative family.